Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (21 page)
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Authors: Sam Vaknin
Tags: #abuse, #abuser, #ptsd, #recovery, #stress, #torture, #trauma, #victim
Partial NPD
"I do think it's uncommon for
girls to develop these patterns, as they are usually trained to be
self-effacing. I certainly was! However, I have a lot of the very
same underlying patterns that full-blown, obnoxiously egotistical
NP's have, but I am not egotistical because I didn't develop the
pattern of inflated Ego and grandiosity. All the rest of it is
there, though: fragile Ego, lack of a centre or self,
super-sensitive to criticism and rejections, pathological,
obsessive envy, comparisons and competitive attitudes toward
others, a belief that everyone in the world is either superior or
inferior to me, and so on.
Sometimes I kind of wish I had
developed the inflated Ego of a complete NP, because then I would
at least be able to hide from all the pain I feel. But at the same
time, I'm glad I didn't, because those people have a much lower
chance of recovery – how can they recover if they don't acknowledge
anything is wrong? Whereas it's pretty clear to me I have problems,
and I've spent my life working on them and trying to change myself
and heal."
Narcissist-Non Narcissist and
Narcissist-Inverted Narcissist Couples
"Can a N and a non-N ever
maintain a long lasting marriage? It would seem that a non-N would
have too much self-esteem to lend himself to a lifetime of catering
and pandering to an N's unending need for unearned adoration and
glory. I, as a non-N… got tired of these people and their
unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a relatively short
period of time and abandoned them as soon as I realised what I was
dealing with to preserve my own sanity."
"It depends on the
non-narcissist, really. Narcissism is a RIGID, systemic pattern of
responses. It is so all-pervasive and all-encompassing that it is a
PERSONALITY disorder. If the non-narcissist is codependent, for
instance, then the narcissist is a perfect match for him and the
union will last…"
"You have to pimp for the
narcissist, intellectually, and sexually. If your narcissist is
somatic, you are much better off lining up the sex partners than
leaving it to him. Intellectual pimping is more varied. You can
think of wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea, in
the most delicate of packages and watch the narcissist cogitate
their way to 'their' brilliant discovery whilst you bask in the
glow of their perfection and success… The point of this entire
exercise is to assure YOUR supply, which is the narcissist himself,
not to punish yourself by giving away a great idea or abase
yourself because, of course, YOU are not worthy of having such a
great idea on your own – but who knows, it may seem that way to the
inverted narcissist. It really depends on how self-aware the
inverted is."
"The only rejection you need to
fear is the possibility of losing the narcissist and if one is
doing everything else right, this is very unlikely to happen! So by
'emotionally independent' I am talking about being self-assured,
doing your own thing, having a life, feeling strong and good about
yourself, getting emotional sustenance from other people. I mean,
let's face it, a drug is a drug is a habit. Habits just are, and
what they ARE NOT are the be all and end all of love, commitment
and serene symmetrical, balanced emotional perfection that is the
ideal of the romanticised 'love-for-a-lifetime' all-American
relationship dream."
"(I am) terribly turned on by
narcissists. The most exciting moments of my life in every venue
have been with narcissists. It is as if living and loving with
normal people is a grey thing by comparison, not fuelled by
sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a junkie, now, that I no longer
permit myself the giddy pleasure of the RUSH I used to know when I
was deeply and hopelessly involved with an N. I am like a
lotus-eater. And I always felt guilty about this and also sorry
that I ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist
lover."
"I am exactly this way and I feel
exactly as you do, that the world is a sepia motion picture but
when I am intimately involved with a narcissist, it breaks out into
three-dimensional Technicolor and I can see and feel in ways that
are not available to me otherwise. In my case I developed this
(inverted narcissism) as a result of being the favourite of my
father who so completely absorbed me into his personality that I
was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I am stuck in
this personality matrix of needing to be engulfed, adored by and
completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I
worship, defend, regulate and procure Narcissistic Supply for my
narcissist. It is like the mould and the moulded."
"In my case, I realise that while
I can't stop loving my current narcissist, it isn't necessary for
me to avoid as long as I can understand. In my way of looking at
it, he is deserving of love, and since I can give him love without
it hurting me, then as long as he needs it, he shall have
it."
"My personal theory is that
dogmatic religious culture is a retarding influence on the growth
and maturation of those heavily involved – more and more autonomy
(and hence personal responsibility) seems to be blithely sacrificed
to the group mind/spirit. It is as though the church members become
one personality and that personality is narcissistic and the
individual just folds under the weight of that kind of group
pressure – particularly if you are a child."
"If I displayed behaviour that
made my XXX look good to others, I was insipidly overvalued. When I
dared be something other than who she wanted me to be, the
sarcastic criticism and total devaluation was unbelievable. So, I
learned to be all things to all people. I get a heavenly high from
surrendering my power to a narcissist, to catering to them, in
having them overvalue and need me, and it is the only time that I
truly feel alive…"
"We have very little choice in
all of this. We are as vacant and warped as the narcissist. XXX is
wont to say, 'I don't HAVE a personality disorder, I AM a
personality disorder.' It defines who we are and how we will
respond. You will always and ONLY have real feelings when you are
with a narcissist. It is your love map, it is the programming
within your psyche. Does it need to control your behaviour? Not
necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you the
opportunity to forecast the effect of an action before you take it.
So, loveless black and white may be the very healthiest thing for
you for the foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes
with narcissists as being cyclic. You will likely need to cut loose
for a while when your child is older.
DO NOT feel ashamed please!
Should a physically handicapped person feel ashamed of their
handicap? No and neither should we. The trouble with us is that we
are fooled into thinking that these relationships are 'guilty
pleasures'. They feel so very good for a time but they are more
akin to addiction satisfaction rather than being the 'right match'
or an 'appropriate relationship'. I am still very conflicted myself
about this. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a
caged very dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near
narcissists, the animal smells its own kind and it wants out. I
very carefully 'micro-manage' my life. This means that I daily do
fairly regular reality checks and keep a very tight reign on my
self and my behaviours. I am also obsessive-compulsive."
"I feel as though I'm constantly
on an emotional roller coaster. I may wake up in a good mood, but
if my N partner does or says something, which is hurtful to me, my
mood changes immediately. I now feel sad, empty, afraid. All I want
to do at this point is anything that will make him say something
NICE to me.
Once he does, I'm back on top of
the world. This pattern of mood changes, or whatever you may call
them, can take place several times a day. Each and every day. I've
gotten to the point where I'm not sure that I can trust myself to
feel any one way, because I know that I have no control over
myself. He has the control. It's scary, yet I've sort of come to
depend on him determining how I am going to feel."
"When I was first involved with
my cerebral narcissist I was like this but after awhile I just
learned to become more emotionally distant (the ups and downs were
just too much) and find emotional gratification with other people,
mostly girl friends and one of two male friends. I make a point of
saying … that the invert must be or become emotionally and
financially independent (if you don't do this he will eat you up
and when he has finished with you and you are nothing but a husk,
you will be expelled from his life in one big vomit). It is really
important for you to start to take responsibility for your own
emotional wellness without regard to how he treats you. Remember
that the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a two-year old!
Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your
relationship – he simply is not capable of anything that
sophisticated."
Also Read
Codependence,
Counterdependence and Dependent Personality Disorder
The Compulsive Acts of a
Narcissist
Narcissistic Personality
Disorder at a Glance
Narcissists, Inverted
Narcissists and Schizoids
Self Defeating and Self
Destructive Behaviours
Narcissists, Narcissistic
Supply and Sources of Supply
Pathological Narcissism -
A Dysfunction or a Blessing?
Torture
Abuse
Trauma
In Fiction and
Poetry
Nothing is
Happening at Home
Mother tells me not to say anything at school
about what is happening at home. Nothing is happening at home. Come
morning, I wake up from my restless sleep and either I wetted my
bed or I didn't. If I did, mother silently packs off my soaked
pajamas and the damp sheets, casting a harsh glance at the black
stain that seeps into the bed's upholstery. The house already reeks
and she opens the shutters and lays the linen on the window panes,
half out and the dry half in.
I get dressed and brush my teeth. I stare at
my feet that are the shape of irons and conceal them, standing on
one naked foot and then another, enthralled by their curvaceous
obesity. The white paste and my saliva swirl in my mouth and drip
on my undershirt in odoriferous stripes. I have bad breath but I
don't know it yet. Nir will tell me and then I will. I frown and
pull the polluted garment away, as though I could undress
horizontally instead of vertically, hands stretched upwards. It
turns dark for a moment and scary so I scream. And this is how I
earn today's first slap. Mother dumps the soiled underthings in the
gaping laundry pale. Her eyes are desperate. I am not a successful
kid. I am ugly and immature and I have an eggplant nose
("berengena" in Ladino). I rub my hurting cheek and put on the sky
blue school uniform shirt and trousers. I don't know how to tie my
shoelaces. Instead of slender butterflies I get knotted
caterpillars, bound larva, repulsive insects with two plastic
tipped antennas. My mother is taking care of my small sister. I
wait patiently. She sighs and places the baby on the bed. She steps
towards me and I recoil because I don't know how mad I made her. I
am not sure what it's going to be this time. Sometimes she just
groans and ties the laces with one incisive motion but at other
times she pinches me real hard and we are both mum and my blood
streams down to her nip until the place acquires shades of black,
and blue and deep purple. She doesn't have to tell me to roll down
my sleeves. I do it. The dirty laundry of this family stays at
home. Our secrets are ours and no one else's. Sometimes I imagine
us like a fortress and the enemy would kill to learn all kinds of
things about us but we are not going to let it, no way. We will
protect each other and we will hold them back.