After Alex Died (10 page)

“Stop,” I whispered.

“Stop what?” he asked, even though I had a feeling he knew exactly what I meant.

“What you’re doing with your finger,” I replied.

He stopped moving his finger but he didn’t remove it from my skin. His eyes connected with mine. “Don’t you like it?”

I liked it too much and that was the problem. I didn’t want to like it at all. “It’s not appropriate,” I said instead.

“No one’s watching.”

I glanced around the bus and saw that the kids and other counselors were all busy
, engaged in their own conversations. He was right. No one was paying any attention to us.

His eyes caught mine and his gaze was so intense, I felt like he was looking right through me. “What are you afraid of?” he asked.

“Liking you,” I admitted.

His eyes softened. “What’s so bad about that?”

I wanted to say:
Because I need someone to hate
.
I need someone to be angry at
.
I need someone to blame for my brother’s death
. But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I knew it was because they weren’t really true anymore.

“Nothing,” I sighed.

He raised an eyebrow. “Does that mean you
could
like me, maybe, sometime in the future?”

“Maybe, sometime in the future,” I agreed.
Way in the future
.

A small grin formed in the corner of his mouth. “I’ll take that. It gives me hope. I officially have something to look fo
rward to.”

“If that’s all you have to look forward to, I feel very sorry for you.”

“Are you putting me down or are you putting yourself down?” he asked.

“Maybe a little of both.”

“I learned a very hard lesson that words have consequences. You need to think about what you say because once you put your words out there, you can’t take them back.”

“I’m sorry if I offended you,” I offered.

He looked at me with so much kindness, I wondered how he could ever have been a bully.

“I was talking about putting yourself down. Don’t do that. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“Oh, yeah, right. Guys have been falling all over themselves trying to date me. I hardly have time for anything else.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

We both stared at each other and the energy between us was palpable. I thought he might kiss me.

But it wasn’t the time or place and we both knew it. We just looked at each other. I noticed that he had a small scar over his left eyebrow. I wanted to reach out and run my finger along its jagged edge. It was an imperfection on someone I had always imagined to be perfect.

“How did you get that scar?” I asked.

He swallowed and his body grew tense. It was obviously a topic that made him uncomfortable.

“I didn’t mean to pry,” I said quickly.

“We’re almost back to campus,” he stated, clearly wanting to change the subject.

“Okay, I’ll make some announcements about the schedule for tomorrow.”

I could see him rubbing at the scar above his eye. Whatever had caused it, the scar was clearly more than a physical one. I realized there was a lot more to Cameron Connelly than I had ever imagined.

***

I spent most of Sunday doing laundry and reading about Ellis Island for our trip the following weekend. I had great-grandparents who were immigrants from Italy, but I had never given much thought to what they went through to come to the United States and my dad never talked about it. We actually didn’t talk at all since Alex died. As much as I wanted to learn more about my heritage, I didn’t want to talk to my dad even more. He’d started dating a woman just a few years older than me. Her name was Anya and she was from some country that had been part of the Soviet Union. I couldn’t remember which one nor did I care. It didn’t seem to bother Anya that my dad’s divorce from my mother wasn’t even finalized yet.

I was a little surprised that I didn’t hear anything from Ca
meron at all on Sunday. I knew he and Antonio were coaching a volleyball tournament amongst the kids. Sofia went to visit her mother in Jersey City for the day. My mother was visiting the Florida Keys for three weeks with an old friend from high school. That left me with my Ellis Island stories.

No one even bothered to knock on my door to get pizza for dinner, which kind of surprised me. I wondered what Cameron was doing and that surprised me even more. Was he with Ant
onio? Had they decided to go to Subway, which was Antonio and Sofia’s favorite fast food place? Why hadn’t they invited me? Maybe he had gone somewhere with Renee and Rachel. That didn’t seem likely but even the thought of it made my stomach clench. Was I actually getting jealous? It didn’t make sense. Cameron and I weren’t a couple. We weren’t anything. I thought maybe the interaction between us on the bus ride home from Waterloo Village meant something, although I wasn’t sure what. Maybe it really didn’t mean anything at all.

As I looked in the mirror I
suddenly felt disgusted with my hair. The cotton candy colors felt old and worn. I felt different, like I didn’t want to be so closed anymore. We had gotten our first paychecks and since I didn’t have to pay for room and board for the summer, I had a little bit of extra spending money that I normally didn’t have during the school year. I made a decision to use part of it to dye my hair back to a more normal color. My natural color was chestnut brown. It had been over a year since it was anything resembling a natural color and before that, my senior year of high school, I had dyed it black.

I headed towards the small shopping area that was closest to the end of campus where we were living. It was dusk and the campus was quiet. There wasn’t even the rustle of the renegade squirrel anywhere. I couldn’t decide if it was peaceful or eerie
, probably because my mind was still too filled with crap for me to experience true peace.

When I got to the hair salon, only one customer was seated in the back of the place. It looked like she was just getting her bangs trimmed.

“Do you have time for a color?” I asked the older woman standing at the reception area.

She glanced down at her watch. “Yeah, I should have enough time. We don’t close until seven.”

The woman, who looked around my mother’s age; late forties, inspected my hair and asked, “Who did this to you?”

“One of the girls I went to high school with was studying to be a hair dresser and I let her practice on me.”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Did she ever get her license?”

I shrugged. “I have no idea. She decided to move to LA to work on movie sets or something like that.”

“The only movies I could see her working on are horror films.”

I cringed. Was my hair really that bad?

“My name’s Dottie. Let’s go back to my booth and see if we can work some magic.”

Forty-five minutes later, magic had been worked. My hair was a light brown that really brought out my green eyes and it was in a shoulder length bob that actually made me look stylish
but still approachable.

“You’re a real beauty, honey,” Dottie said as we both exa
mined my new style in the mirror.

“You really think so?” I asked.

“You’ll have those college guys falling all over themselves to date you.”

I had to laugh. “That’s exactly what I told this guy would never happen.”

“And what guy is that?”

I shook my head. “Just some guy I work with.”

“I bet he’ll ask you out the minute he sees your new hair style.”

“It’s not like that,” I assured her.

“Honey, unless he’s gay, it’s always like that.”

Week Three

Monday morning came too quickly. It took me a while to recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I looked so different without the crazy colored hair. I actually felt a little nervous about seeing Cameron. What if he didn’t like my new style? And why did I care so much?

I spotted Sofia and Antonio at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. I had a banana and some yogurt on my plate
as I had decided to take the advice of my peers and Dr. Jones and try to eat something substantial in the morning.

My friends’ jaws both dropped when I sat down.

Antonio whistled. “Girl, you look fine.”

I smiled a true and actual smile. It felt a little foreign but good.

“Who are you and what did you do with Dee Dee?” Sofia joked. “I need to go visit my mother more often. Look at what you decided to do. Has Cameron seen you yet?”

I shook my head.

“That boy is going to lose it. I’m telling you. He’s already falling for you, this will completely do him in.”

“Whatever,” I said. “I don’t think he’s falling for me.”

Antonio snorted. “Yeah, right. He doesn’t even know which way is up anymore.”

“Speak of the devil,” Sofia said as she gestured toward the buffet.

Cameron was holding his tray and scanning the cafeteria. He looked confused until his eyes landed on mine. His jaw dropped and he didn’t take his eyes off of me as he headed for our table.

He placed his tray next to mine and took the seat next to me.

“You look amazing,” he said as he took me in.

“Thanks,” I murmured
, suddenly uncomfortable. I felt like I was on display. Sofia and Antonio were both still staring at me and Cameron hadn’t taken his eyes off me.

“Okay, that’s enough,” I said. “I’m still just Dee
Dee, even if I look a little different on the outside.”

“If you looked just a little different, we wouldn’t be gawking,” Sofia scoffed as she tossed a raisin at me.

“Watch where you throw your dried fruit,” I said as I
grabbed the raisin.

“At least I didn’t throw a prune at you.
Or even worse, a date.”

“Do they even serve prunes and dates? Aren’t those for old people?”

“If they did, one would be headed in your direction.”

We all laughed. For the first time in a long time it felt good to have friends.

***

The week progressed at a snail’s pace. The kids were already starting to get tired and we hadn’t even made it past the half way mark. I knew if we could get through this week, the kids would be looking forward to our big overnight trips to New York and Washington, DC.

Sofia grabbed me after classes let out on Wednesday. “I have a surprise,” she said as she pulled me toward her car.

“I’m not too keen on surprises,” I replied.

“It’s a good one, I promise.”

***

“What are we doing at the mall,” I complained as Sofia pulled her Honda into the parking lot.

“We’re getting you some new clothes.
Ones with some color. Now that your hair and makeup are toned down a bit, I thought we could work on your wardrobe. Besides, don’t you want something pretty to wear when we go out on Friday night?”

“Who said anything about going out on Friday night?”

Sofia frowned. “You mean he hasn’t asked you out yet?”

“If by he, you mean Cameron, the answer is no.”

She shook her head. “He’s nervous.”

I scoffed.
“Yeah, right. What does Cameron Connelly have to be nervous about? When we were in high school, he went out with nearly the entire cheerleading squad.”

“Haven’t you changed a lot since high school?”

That was an understatement. “Of course. Everything changed after Alex died.”

“My point exactly.
Didn’t you listen to Cameron when he gave his speech? Everything changed for him, too.”

“So you’re telling me he’s nervous about asking me out?” It sounded so ridiculous coming out of my mouth.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Now let’s find you a killer outfit for a night of dancing and fun.”

***

Two hours and a hundred dollars later, I had three new outfits. Two pairs of skinny jeans and v-neck T-shirts (one coral and one sapphire) and a little white summer dress.

“You’re definitely wearing that cute dress on Friday night. Cameron is just going to flip when he sees you in it.”

“Okay, whatever you say.”

“We need to rebuild you confidence,” Sofia stated.

“Rebuilding implies that I once had confidence, which I don’t think is the case.”

“Girl,
you’ve got a lot going on.” She scanned up and down my body. “You just need to use it.”

“I will try,” I promised.

She eyed me. “Not
try, just do.”

***

I put on my new skinny jeans and coral v-neck and looked at myself in the mirror. It had been so long since I’d worn anything but black, I had forgotten how certain colors looked with my light skin tone and light brown hair. The coral was definitely complementary
and brought out a little sparkle in my eyes that I hadn’t noticed before.

I heard a soft knock on my door. It was so soft, I wondered if I had actually heard it. But then it persisted.

When I answered it, I was surprised to see Cameron.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Sure.” I stepped aside so he could enter.

He put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. It was a gesture I was getting used to seeing when he seemed nervous.

“So, I was wondering what you were doing Friday night?”

I wanted to say: besides going to Bogey’s with you but I r
efrained. His voice seemed so fragile, I didn’t want to make him feel any more uncomfortable.

I looked up at him and stared into his rich
green eyes. He swallowed then said, “Do you want to go to Bogey’s?”

“Are you asking me on a date?” I probed coyly.

He still looked so nervous and I thought he might break into a sweat at any moment. He nodded.

“Okay,” I replied.

“Okay?” he repeated, as if he didn’t believe me.

“Yes, I’ll go with you.”

A small grin replaced his pained expression. “I’ll come by at eight o’clock, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.”

He turned to leave then turned back toward me. “I really like that outfit. It’s a good color on you.”

He turned to leave then turned back again. Now I was the one who was grinning.

“One more thing,” he said as he leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. “Now I can go.”

I was completely stunned. I was going on a date with Came
ron Connelly. Cameron Connelly had just kissed me. Granted, it was a peck on the forehead, but it was still a kiss. The world felt like it had turned completely upside down, or at least on its side. If you would have asked me a year ago, or even a month ago, who was one of the least likely people I would ever date, Cameron Connelly would have topped the list.

I glanced over at my photo of Alex. I wondered what he would think of me going out with Cameron. Would he unde
rstand? Would he consider it a betrayal? Would he want me to be happy?

Did the prospect of a relationship with Cameron make me happy? I wasn’t sure what I thought about it but I knew I felt something. And it was good to feel something other than numb or depressed. For the first time, in a long time, I was actually thinking about the future instead of the past.

***

I couldn’t believe I was actually nervous while I was getting ready. My stomach was doing some major flip-flops. I told myself to breath and relax but my mind was racing. I hadn’t been on a date since high school—before Alex died. I
’d had a boyfriend, Mason Tucker, most of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year. He was my first (and only). After Alex died, I completely shut down and we drifted apart. I couldn’t blame him for wanting someone else. Who wants to spend their senior year dating a depressed recluse? He ended up dating Melissa McGee, who had been my best friend for the first three years of high school. I guess she felt bad about ‘stealing’ Mason from me because once they started dating, we were no longer friends.

I hadn’t even considered dating until Cameron pushed his way into my life. And now here I stood looking at myself in my new white dress hoping that I wouldn’t make a complete fool of myself on my first real
date in almost two years.

This time, when I heard the soft knock, I knew it was prob
ably Cameron. When I opened the door, my breath caught at the sight of him. He looked gorgeous, like the Cameron I remembered from high school. The one all the girls went crazy over. He wore black jeans that fit snuggly in all the right places and he had on a black buttoned-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His normally messy hair was a bit shorter and styled. He had gone all out in dressing up for the date. Best of all, his eyes were sparkling with a hint of excitement and they lit up even more as he looked at me.

“You look amazing,” he commented as his eyes ran down the length of me. “I love that dress.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” I replied.   

We stood there taking each other in for several moments. I could feel the energy between us building and I immediately tensed. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to feel as much as I felt for
Cameron. The intensity of the building emotions was a bit overwhelming.

“Is everything okay?” he asked. I couldn’t believe how a
ttuned to me he seemed to be.

I nodded.

“It’s okay if you changed your mind.” All the confidence he had when he entered my room seemed to be draining from his body.

“Changed my mind about what?” I asked.

He swallowed. “About going out with me.” His voice sounded like it was getting smaller.

It pained me to see the anguish on his face. “That’s not it. I didn’t change my mind.”

He gave me a soft half smile. “Good.” He leaned down and gave me a light kiss on the cheek, which sent a small wave a shivers through me.

“Sofia and Antonio said they would meet us at the club. We’d better get going.”

After I locked my door Cameron took my hand in his. He felt warm and I could feel that warmth move through my body.

The walk to Bogey’s was quiet
, as we both seemed to be absorbed in our own thoughts. The night air was crisp. It had cooled a bit, which was a relief from the sticky, hot and humid day.

“I hope you’re ready to dance,” he said as we got closer to the club.

“I have to admit that I don’t get out very much. When you saw me here a few weeks ago, that was the first time I’d been to a club.”

“Ever?”
He seemed surprised.

“Yeah, ever.”

He shook his head. “I thought freshman were supposed to party like crazy. First time on your own, away from mom and dad and all that.”

“I didn’t exactly have the most normal freshman year of co
llege. I was dealing with a lot.”

Cameron got quiet again. I noticed that he held my hand tighter, like he didn’t want me to pull away from him. Then he said, “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I hope one day I’ll earn your forgiveness.”

I stopped. I tried to pull my hand from his but he was grasping it too tightly. “Is that what this is about? You want my forgiveness? I knew Cameron Connelly asking me out was a little too good to be true.”

He shook his head as he grabbed my other hand. Now he had both of my hands in his. “Look at me, Dee
Dee.”

I glanced up at him and his expression was serious. “I do want your forgiveness. Sometimes I feel like I need it. But that is not what this is about.
At all.”

He brought my right hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. “I’m here because I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time. In high school you were such a perfect girl. You were smart and beautiful. I never thought I was good enough for you.”

I actually let out a laugh. “You thought you weren’t good enough for me? How is that even possible? You were one of the most popular guys in school.”

“You were in all
Honors classes. You dated Mason Tucker, the class president and the most likely to succeed. I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with a dumb jock like me.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Every girl in our high school wanted to date you. You dated half of our class. I just assumed I was in the less desirable half.”

Now he’s the one that laughed. “No, you were definitely in the desirable half. I’d put you in the beyond-my-reach category.”