After Alex Died

After Alex Died

Dakota Madison

Copyright © 2013 by Dakota Madison

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the author.

This is a work of FICTION.

Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author's offbeat imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual persons living, dead or previously dated by the author, is entirely coincidental.

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“
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Norman Cousins

Finding a Job

“You look like shit,” my roommate, Kelli, said as she threw her gigantic suitcase on her bed.

I knew I looked bad but I didn’t care. I was in major crisis mode.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” She flopped down on my bed next to me and tucked a few strands of her sun-kissed blonde hair behind her ears.

“Not really.” I sighed.

“The beach was amazing,” she continued. “Thanks for asking.”

“I can
see that.” After a week in Cabo Kelli had a perfect tan that I wanted to slap right off her.

She jumped from my bed and started unpacking her massive suitcase. She had more clothes in that suitcase for her week’s stay in
Cabo than I had in my entire wardrobe.

“And how was the
hellhole?” It wasn’t really a question. She just wanted to rub in the fact that I had spent my Spring Break in my shit-hole of a hometown while she had been at a beach resort with her wealthy parents.

“My mom sold the house,” I said. I wasn’t sure why I was actually opening up to my roommate. Probably because I didn’t
have anyone else to talk to and she just happened to be there. “My mom announced that since my brother and dad were both gone and I’m away at school, there was no reason for her to have such a big place. She downsized and bought a one bedroom condo.”

“That’s harsh. I guess that was her way of saying you’re out of the nest. No more flying back home for you
, little bird.”

“I guess.”

“So what are you going to do for the summer?”

Kelli had a way of zeroing in on a person’s most vulnerable area and striking at it. She was going to make a wonderful lawyer.

I rubbed my temples. “I have no idea.”

“My parents are letting me use their condo in Maui for the summer,” she said as she put her swim suits in a dresser drawer. Then she turned to face me, “I already invited Cassie and Keegan to stay with me and there are only three bedrooms.”

As if I would ever expect Kelli to invite me to stay with her. We weren’t exactly friends just because we lived together.

I ruminated in silence for a few minutes while Kelli continued to unpack.

“Hey, you know what?” Kelli rummaged through her backpack. “I saw this flyer. I was going to give it to Keegan’s sister. She’s an education major.”

She tossed the flyer at me:
College Students Wanted: English majors, Education majors, Communication majors wanted to serve as group leaders for our summer college preparation program for high school students from low-income, first-generation-in-college backgrounds. Great pay! All meals and housing provided.

They had me at
housing provided
. I grabbed a sticky pad and jotted down the information then handed the flyer back to Kelli.

“Don’t say I never gave you anything,” Kellie emphasized as she grabbed the paper from my hand.

Counselor Orientation

Two Months Later

As I lugged my suitcase across campus, I noticed how quiet it was—almost desolate. Most of the students had already left for break and the summer term didn’t start for another week. The only sound I could hear was a squirrel gnawing on an acorn. I would have said the solitude was peaceful but I hadn’t felt at peace in a long time. My state of perpetual anxiety and depression didn’t allow for many other feelings to occupy the space between my ears.

Another girl was heading in my direction with a suitcase, so I made the assumption we were headed to the same place.
When I started walking near her she turned to me and gave me a slight smile. We were about the same height but she outweighed me by about 20 pounds, all curves in all the right places. Her beautiful olive complexion was nearly flawless and her raven black hair was long and straight. What impressed me the most about her though, was the way she carried herself. She definitely had a don’t-mess-with-me way about her.

“I’m Sofia,” she stated as she glanced at me.

“Dee Dee,” I replied.

She raised an eyebrow. “Short for something?”

“Everyone calls me Dee Dee.”

“Fair enough.”

We walked in silence the rest of the way to Beacon Hall. All of the participants in the summer college-prep program would be staying in one of the older freshman dorms, and from what I understood from my hiring interview, as Summer Counselors we would be chaperoning the teens on their weekly trips as well as serving as their tutors, mentors and resident hall advisors for the duration of the six-week program.

Several other people who looked close to our age joined Sofia and I as we entered the lobby of the dorm. We were a
ll lugging suitcases and other miscellaneous gear, so it was quite a feat for everyone to squeeze into the lobby through the small front doors.

It was just after
9 a.m., the time at which we had been told to meet, and there were 10 of us assembled; five guys and five girls. I recognized two of the girls from my Shakespeare class. They were English majors like me but I didn’t know their names. They were a year ahead of me and were in a sorority. Sorority girls didn’t associate much with non-Greeks like me and especially non-Greeks who looked like me: hair dyed multiple colors, tattoos on both wrists and heavy dark eye makeup. My mom liked to say that my drastic change in appearance during my senior year of high school was about me putting up a wall; not only to keep other people out but to keep my emotions in. She was probably right on both counts.

I scanned the rest of the group, which was a mass of u
nknown faces, until I hit upon a face that was forever burned in my memory. Cameron Connelly. He was one of three people who I hoped to never see again for the rest of my time on Earth.

Cameron looked different than I remembered him. He was still tall and muscular with messy blond hair and sea
-green eyes, but he looked older and harder than the carefree basketball player everyone in our high school had adored.

I was overcome with a plethora of emotions: fear, dread, a
nger, hatred and every other negative emotion I had been harboring for the last two years. The feelings were so strong, I couldn’t breathe. I tried to relax but the harder I tried, the more tense I became and I nearly passed out. Luckily Sofia grabbed my arm before I fell to the floor.

“Are you okay?” Concern covered her face.

I tried to speak but the words got stuck in my dry throat. I just shook my head.

“Are you hot? Do you need some fresh air?”

What I needed was to get away from Cameron Connelly—forever.

Before I had a chance to respond, Sofia led me toward the front doors and pulled me outside.

“Take a deep breath,” she ordered. I got the feeling she had younger siblings who she mothered. She had that way about her.

I inhaled a deep breath of humid New Jersey air. New Jersey wasn’t known for having the finest air quality and the summers could be hot and sticky. This summer was already proving to be no exception.

Sofia narrowed her eyes. “What’s going on?”

I felt like she could see right through me into the deepest r
ecesses of my soul. She was the first person who had ever looked beyond my so-called
daunting
appearance and dark clothes (my cloak of gloom as my mother called it) to truly see me at all.

“Nothing,” I replied
, even though I had the distinct feeling that Sofia wasn’t about to let it slide. I was right.

“Come on. Do I look stupid to you? I’m from Newark. I’ve not only been around the block a few times
. I’ve been up and down it, too. Now, I’m going to ask one more time and this time you’re going to give me a real answer. Got it?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it. I don’t think you’re going to have any trouble handling the high school kids, that’s for sure.”

That got Sofia to smile. I already figured out that she didn’t smile much but when she did, it was genuine.

“Seriously, what’s got you so freaked out?” she asked, her tone soften
ing.

“There’s a guy in the group, Cameron Connelly. Let’s just say we have a history.
From high school. He’s not someone I ever wanted to see again.”

She nodded as if she understood but I was sure she didn’t. No one understood and that was part of the problem. The misery that shrouded me was far worse than she probably imagined.

“Well, let’s make sure he stays away from you then, okay?”

I nodded and gave Sofia a feeble attempt at a smile. I couldn’t remember what it was like to actually truly smile
. It had been so long since I’d done it.

“Let’s get back in there before they start without us,” Sofia offered.

I nodded and we both headed back into the crowded lobby.

***

An overweight dorm manager handed each of the counselors a room key and we were each assigned a floor to co-monitor. The dorm only had five floors, so we were each paired with another counselor. In the chaos of the room assignments and everyone grabbing their stuff and trying to cram into the elevators, I didn’t see who was assigned to the third floor with me. I only knew it wasn’t Sofia because she got the fourth floor.

I dragged my bag into my room and threw it on the bed. The room was larger than the dorm I was used to sharing with Kellie. It was more like a studio apartment. I figured it must have been a room used by a resident advisor during the school year. The spaciousness of the room made me feel a little exposed and vulnerable. I had become accustomed to and enjoyed the feeling of being in more
confined spaces. I liked the feeling of being entombed, maybe because it made me feel closer to Alex.

We were scheduled for our first group meeting at 10
a.m. across the quad in the Meriman Building. During the school year a lot of Liberal Arts classes were held there and I had taken most of the English classes in the building, so I was already familiar with it.

I didn’t see any reason to get changed and my hair was a
lready a frizzy mess from all of the suitcase lugging in the humidity. There was not too much I could do with it other than pull it back into a ponytail, which was my default style most of the time anyway.

I removed a framed photo of Alex from my suitcase and placed it on the shelf over my desk. I never had many decorations for my room but I always had a photo of Alex. It was taken the summer before his freshman year of high school. The summer when our family was still a family and we were all still happy. The
summer before everything changed and broke our family beyond repair.

Mom and Dad had surprised us with a long weekend trip to the Jersey Shore. Alex and I loved to swim and splash each other in the ocean waves. We loved hanging out at the boardwalk and eating foot-long hotdogs and steak fries dipped in both ketchup and mustard. Some of my best memories were from summer vacations spent at The Shore.

I wiped at a stray tear that had escaped down my cheek. You’d think after nearly two years I wouldn’t cry over Alex, but I still missed him so much.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare myself for my new job. This was the first real job I ever had. Sure, I’d done my share of babysitting, lawn mowing and car washing around the neighborhood but I never actually had a job that required income tax paperwork and an actual paycheck. My parents didn’t want me to work when I was in high school. They wanted me to concentrate on getting good grades and padding my resume with extra-curricular activities that would impress a college scholarship board. It paid off because I got a full schola
rship to a fairly impressive school. The only expenses I had were books and incidentals.

As I exhaled, I opened my dorm room door and hoped I would also be opening a door to a new chapter
in my life, or at least a chance at a new state of mind. As I was fiddling with the door lock, I heard the door of the other resident advisor room down the hallway slam shut.

I immediately froze when I saw Cameron Connelly staring at me. We both looked at each other, speechless.

Two years’ worth of every horrible thing I had wanted to say to Cameron flashed through my mind. I had fantasized about running into him somewhere, like in a supermarket or coffee shop, and telling him off. I always pictured myself screaming and waving an angry finger at him. But now that I was actually face-to-face with him, all the words I had committed to memory completely eluded me. I was struck completely speechless.

I could feel the air between us fill with awkward tension but neither one of us moved. We just kept staring at each other.

“We’d better get to Meriman Hall.” Cameron’s voice was so soft it was barely audible, which surprised me. He had always been such an outspoken asshole in high school who never had any trouble speaking his mind and being heard. 

I didn’t respond. I just turned
my back on him and walked away.

***

The Summer Counselors were scheduled to meet in Room 226. By the time I got there, most of the other counselors were already seated. I saw Sofia give me a quick wave, so I took a seat next to her.

“You okay?” she asked. She seemed to have an uncanny abi
lity to sense my mood even though I thought I was hiding it well.

“I’ve been better.”

She nodded.

A few seconds later Cameron made his way into the room. He scanned the small space but only two seats remained. One was next to me and the other was right in the front center of the room. His eyes bounced back and forth between the two seats as
though he was weighing his options.

“That’s the guy, isn’t it?” Sofia whispered to me.

I nodded.

“He’d better not sit his ass next to you or I’m
gonna tell him a thing or two. He’d better take that seat right up front.” It felt kind of nice to have someone be protective of me for a change. After Alex died neither one of my parents seemed to give a shit about me anymore. It was like the best parts of both of them had died with my brother.

After one final gla
nce in our direction, Cameron made his way over to the seat in the front of the room and awkwardly squeezed into it. The seats were the kind with the small desks attached to the front of them. As a former star basketball player, Cameron was tall, easily 6-feet 4-inches, and muscular. His long legs barely fit under the desk.

“He kind of looks
like he’s full of himself,” Sophia whispered. “I hate guys like that.”

“Me, too,” I agreed.

***

Dr. Elvira Jones was the administrator in charge of the Co
llege Bound Program. She was all of about five feet tall in heels but she had a booming voice and a personality to go with it. She wore a shiny golden dress, which might have looked odd on anyone else, but it seemed to perfectly accentuate her coffee-colored skin. If I had to guess I would have said Dr. Jones was in her mid-thirties, not because she looked that much older than a college student, but because it must have taken a good portion of her twenties to earn a doctoral degree.

“I want to welcome you all to the College Bound Program. I’ve been the Director of the program for ten years and I consi
der it my baby. And because it’s my baby, you all need to take care of it and treat it well.

“The high school students will all be here on Saturday, which is move
-in day. I expect you all to help your group members move into their rooms. We’ll have a group dinner at 6 p.m. and a welcome party at 8 p.m. You’ll all be the chaperones for the welcome party.

“A few rules.
These are high school students. No alcohol. No drugs. No inappropriate language. All movies must be G, PG or PG-13. You are all to serve as role models for these students. I hope I don’t need to explain what that means.”

Dr. Jones eyed Cameron. I wasn’t sure it was because he happened to be in the front row or if she could tell he was going to be trouble.