After Alex Died (13 page)

I didn’t know what to say. Was there anything to say? “I’m sorry,” was all that would come out.

She nodded.

“Does Antonio know?” As soon as I asked the question, I realized I may have crossed a line. I wasn’t even sure they were serious enough to have a discussion like that. And it really wasn’t any of my business.

A tear drop slid down her face and she quickly brushed it away. “I’m not sure any guy will ever want to marry me if I can’t have kids.”

“I think if a guy loves you, he’ll be okay with it.”

She brushed another tear drop from her cheek. “Do you really think so?”

“Isn’t that what love is supposed to be about? Accepting the other person, even with all their faults?”

“And you accept Cameron?” she asked. “Faults and all?”

I gulped. How had the conversation turned so quickly to me and Cameron? “I thought we were talking about you?”

“You know you’re going to have to forgive Cameron if you want this thing between you to work. But even more important, you have to forgive Alex and you have to forgive yourself.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I had never thought about forgiving
Alex, or myself for that matter.

“Have you forgiven yourself?” I asked.

“Not really,” she admitted. “It’s not that easy.”

Somehow it felt like she was preaching to the choir.

We both sat in the silence of our own thoughts for a few moments until there was a soft knock on the door and Cameron entered.

“The coast is clear,” he said. “Dr. Jones took the girls down to the lobby to meet their parents.”

Sofia and I both rose from our beds.

Cameron was looking at Sofia, concern in his eyes. “Is ever
ything okay?” he asked.

“Girl stuff,” she said dismissively as she hopped from the bed. “I’d better see what Antonio is up to. You can’t leave the boy alone for too long. He comes up with all kinds of crazy schemes.”

When the door closed behind Sofia, Cameron lay down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked.

I exhaled. “I’m not sure.”

He turned to face me. “What’s going on?”

“Sofia and I were talking about forgiveness.”

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, like he was bracing himself for the worst, expecting me to say something to hurt him. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek and he exhaled.

We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment.

“I don’t have many expectations for my life anymore,” he said. “There aren’t many things I want or hope for. But your forgiveness tops the list of things I still want.”

“I know. But I think it’s more complicated than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sofia told me that I had to forgive Alex and also forgive m
yself. I feel like they’re all connected somehow.”

Cameron moved up so that his head and upper back were leaning on the pillows. “I feel like you’re so far away.” He patted his chest. “You can lie here.”

“I’m like five inches from you,” I protested.

“That’s five inches too far.”

I harrumphed then made my way up to him. He embraced me and pulled me close. As I lay my head on his chest, I could feel his heart beating beneath me. I was starting to enjoy the sound. It was comforting, feeling his aliveness.

He placed a kiss on my forehead. “Tell me why you need to forgive yourself,” he whispered.

“I feel like I should have done more for Alex. He was my only sibling and my best friend. How could I not know he was in that much pain? I should have been able to save him.”

“When people kill themselves, it’s their choice, their decision. You did the best you could. He obviously didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want you to save him.”

I could feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks. “I miss him so much.”

“What else?” Cameron asked.

The question caught me off guard. “What do you mean?”

“What else?” he repeated.

I repeated the question to myself.
What else
?
What else
?

“I guess I’m angry at him for leaving,” I admitted. “Som
etimes I feel like he took the easy way out. I’m mad that he didn’t see all the good he had inside and all of his potential. I feel like he threw it all away.”

Cameron reached over to the nightstand on the other side of the bed and grabbed a small box of tissues. He placed the box on the bed next to me then took one of the tissues from the box and gently wiped the tears from my face.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. Crying is good for the soul. It’s cathartic. And I know what you’re thinking: that’s a big word for a dumb jock.”

“That’s not what I was thinking and I don’t think you’re dumb. You were kind of a stereo-typical jock, though. Not so much anymore.”

“Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to be a jock when you don’t play sports anymore.”

I looked into his eyes. They were warm and open. “Do you miss it?”

He nodded. “A lot more than I ever thought I would when I was playing.”

“Do you think you’ll ever play again?”

He shook his head. “No. I didn’t like the person I was when I played ball. I definitely won’t play competitive sports again. Maybe I’ll take up golf when I’m old
, but that’s about it.”

“I can just imagine you wearing those white golf pants and a lime green polo shirt.” I laughed.

“And don’t forget the white golf shoes to match.”

We both smiled and stared at each other for a moment. Then he gave me a soft kiss. “It’s getting late,” he whispered. “Maybe we’d better try to get some sleep.”

As soon as he mentioned
sleep
, I could feel myself getting drowsy. I rested my head on Cameron’s chest and he nestled me close. Just as I drifted off to sleep, I thought I heard Cameron whisper that he loved me but it also could have been a dream.

***

Our tour through the American Museum of Natural History was much more somber than I anticipated. Without Grace and Savannah, it was like a dark cloud had descended over the group. Maybe they felt a little guilty that two of them got sent home for what was probably more likely a group affair. I had a suspicion they were probably also afraid the other shoe might drop and they’d be sent packing too. Anyway, they were all on their best behavior and even though teens were notorious for having short memories, and even shorter attention spans, I had a feeling that seeing Grace and Savannah crying as they left, suitcases in hand, would be etched in their memories for a long time.

My favorite part of our very long day was the Journey to the Stars space show at the Hayden Planetarium. Not only because it gave us all a chance to sit and relax
, but also because it was dark and Cameron and I could finally touch each other.

While we were touring the exhibits, Cameron and I were on our best behavior. Not only because of what happened the previous evening with Grace and Savannah being dismissed from the program
, but also because Dr. Jones seemed to be on high alert for any other wrongdoing that might take place.

When we were seated together in the darkness of the plan
etarium, however, all bets were off. Cameron took my hand in his and rested our entwined hands on his leg. It was such a simple gesture but I immediately felt closer to him than I had all day. I preferred it when there was no distance between us; I always felt the compulsion to close the distance and be near enough to feel his presence—and his warmth.

Funny
, I thought. Thinking of Cameron Connelly as
warm
or even a presence I craved to be near was such a conflicting feeling to what I
should
have felt.

Wasn’t it?

Shouldn’t I want to be as far away from
the bully
as possible? Only Cameron no longer fit the bill, at least not in my mind. Cameron was moving quickly from
tormentor
to
redeemer
and I wasn’t even sure how it had happened.

When Cameron slid down in his chair, I slide down in mine. I had a feeling his motivation for the slouch in the seat was to kiss me and I wasn’t wrong. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my cheek.

“I couldn’t resist,” he whispered in my ear. “Don’t get mad.”

I quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching us and when I saw everyone was preoccupied with the show, I replied, “I’m not mad.”

“Good,” he murmured as he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my lips. “I couldn’t resist that either.”

I smiled as I rested my head on his muscular shoulder.
At my touch the muscles in his entire body seemed to relax and he let out a breath. It felt nice that we could just be together, there in the darkness of the planetarium, just a guy and a girl, holding hands and enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t want the moment to end.

Week Four

“Why has no one said anything about going out on Friday night?” I asked as I set my tray down at the lunch table.

Sofia and Antonio looked up from their lunches and stared at me with blank expressions.

I eyed them suspiciously. “What’s going on?”

They both shrugged.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

They both bit their lips like they were trying not to tell me whatever it was they were hiding.

“Spill,” I demanded.

“Cameron will kill us if we do,” Antonio said and Sofia i
mmediately elbowed him for it.

“Just shut up about it,” Sofia barked. “She’s not even su
pposed to know there’s something she doesn’t know.”

I looked back and forth between
them. “You know the two of you are perfect for each other.”

Sofia rolled her eyes but Antonio pulled her close and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You know Dee
Dee is right. We are perfect for each other.”

She
gave a half smile and Antonio placed a wet one on her lips.

I heard the sound of a tray placed next to mine and I glanced over to see Cameron sitting down next to me. He handed me a single white rose and an envelope. I gave him a puzzled look.

“What is this?” I asked holding up the envelope.

“Why don’t you open it and find out?”

I sliced the seal off the envelope with my index finger and opened it. It was an invitation that read:
Cameron Connelly requests the presence of Dee Dee DeMarco this Friday at 7p.m. for an evening of dining and conversation. Please RSVP to Cameron no later than Thursday so he can make reservations for the date
.

I smelled the delicate rose. “Nice touch.”

“I figured I’d have to do something special so you’d agree to go out with me. I remembered hearing something about Mason sending you a candy gram the first time he asked you out. That’s not easy to compete with.”

“Candy grams are nice but I like flowers better.”

“So noted.”

“I would love to go out with you Friday,” I said. “Consider that my RSVP.”

I saw a big grin cross Cameron’s face. “You won’t be disappointed.”

I didn’t know how I possibly could be.

***

Friday night came too quickly. I felt like I was looking forward to it so intensely that I somehow made time speed up.

I looked at myself in the mirror for what felt like the twent
ieth time and I still looked the same. I felt like a little girl trying to be all grown up.

“I just don’t know about this outfit,” I said. I was wearing a little black dress that Sofia loaned me and because she had so many more curve
s than I did, it felt a little too loose-fitting. I felt like a kid playing dress up in her mom’s clothes.

“Here, try this,” Sofia said. She turned me toward her and placed a hot pink scarf around my waist like a belt. Then she spun me back around toward the mirror.

“See, much better, right?” she asked.

I examined the modified outfit in the mirror. “
It is better,” I said without much conviction. It was better but I still felt like an imposter. The restaurant was supposed to be quite a posh place, exclusive and quite expensive. I didn’t feel like I belonged in a place like that.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” I gave Sofia a plea
ding look.

She shook her head. “First of all, this is a special date for you and Cameron. I think he wants to fly solo tonight and have you all to himself. And second, I already have a date. Antonio is taking me to his favorite restaurant, Subway.”

Subway actually sounded good. It sounded like a place where I could relax and wear jeans and not feel like a kid in grown up clothes.

“You look great,” Sofia assured me. “Cameron will feel like the luckiest guy in the world when he’s with you tonight. He’ll probably be the envy of every guy in the place.”

I let out a cynical laugh. “Okay, whatever you say.”

“You know I only speak the truth,” she insisted.

I gave her a hug. “Thanks for everything.”

“That’s what friends are for,” she reminded me. “And thanks for your advice about not being afraid to tell Antonio about what happened to me.
”

“What did he say?”

“Well, at first he wanted to kill the guy who knocked me up.”

“That sounds just like Antonio.”

“After I got him off of that crazy idea he said he wasn’t sure he wanted kids any way. He said if it happened sometime in the future, he’d be okay with it but if it didn’t he’d be fine with that too. I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I might find a guy who didn’t care about having kids. I guess I just assumed everyone wanted them at some point.”

We gave each other another hug.

When Cameron came to the door, he looked stunning in his fitted black suit. He was holding a small bouquet of white roses.

I smiled. “Let me guess.
The rest of the dozen?”

He nodded. “I didn’t want that flower I gave you yesterday to get lonely.”

I had to give him credit for creativity. I kissed his cheek. “Thank you for the flowers. They are lovely.”

“Would it be a cliché for me to say they’re not as lovely as you?”

“A terrible one,” I answered.

“Okay, then I won’t.”

We both laughed.

***

The restaurant surpassed my expectations. Posh wasn’t even classy enough to describe the place. It was the height of class, sophistication and elegance, from the enormous chandelier in the grand entry way to the fountains and ornate decor. The other patrons were wearing gowns and tuxedos, like they had tickets to the symphony or opera immediately following dinner. Even in my best clothes, I felt completely and totally underdressed and out of place.

We were seated on the second floor balcony next to a small fountain. Listening to the fountain calmed my nerves a bit and the broad smile on Cameron’s face immediately put me at ease.

“This place is amazing,” he said as the host seated us and handed us menus. I noticed he discretely removed the wine menu from the table. Cameron probably could have passed for twenty-one but I knew I looked about twelve, so there was no way I was getting served anything but soda.

I almost choked when I glanced at the prices on the menu then I realized I was just looking at the appetizers. Cameron really was trying his hardest to impress me. Our meal was easily going to cost half a week’s pay.

“The steaks here are supposed to be excellent,” Cameron suggested.

“Is that what you’re having?” I asked.

“I think so.”

There were suddenly too many choices and I wasn’t sure what to get. I intentionally didn’t eat anything all day so I’d be hungry
for dinner but now that we were here, I was nervous and my stomach didn’t feel that hungry anymore.

We both put down our menus and Cameron took my hands in his. “I really wanted our first real date to be special,” he said.

“This is beyond special. It’s almost too much.”

“The food is supposed to be amazing. And being here with you is worth any price.”

He hadn’t lied. The food was amazing, maybe the best I’d ever had. I had lobster and Cameron had prime rib. We exchanged bites of each other’s dishes and I wasn’t sure which was better. I didn’t think it would be possible to ever have more delicious food again in my life.

When we got back to my room Cameron kissed me goo
dnight at my door.

“Aren’t you going to come in?” I asked. There was a hint of disappointment in my voice. “It’s not that late.”

“I was just waiting for you to ask,” he admitted.

“So, you’re taking this gentleman-on-a-date thing all the way, huh?” I teased.

“I try never to make assumptions about anyone or anything. Assumptions usually lead to disappointment.”

I unlocked my door then took his hand in mine and led him into my room. As soon as the door closed behind us, he pulled me close and devoured me with his kisses.

“I’ve been waiting to do that all night,” he admitted when we stopped for a breath.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward my bed. Then we both stared at each other for a long moment.

“I never told you how beautiful you look tonight. I love that dress on you.”

“I was hoping you’d love it off of me, too,” I teased.

I removed the scarf belt and threw it on the chair next to the bed. “I need your help to unzip this,” I said as I turned my back toward Cameron.

“Are you sure about this,” he whispered into my ear.

“Very sure,” I promised him.

He slowly unzipped my dress and I removed the straps from my shoulders and let it
glide to the floor. Then I turned to face him.

He swallowed as he took me in. “You were right. I love the dress off of you even more.”

“What about this?” I unsnapped my bra and let it fall to the floor. Then I stepped out of my underwear. I was completely naked and vulnerable standing in front of him.

“Do you like what you see?” I asked. I could feel the unce
rtainty in my voice. I knew Cameron had been with a lot of girls and I wondered how I compared.

“I love what I see,” he asserted as he stepped closer and held me in his arms.

His next kiss was gentle, soft, sweet but it slowly intensified until we were both nearly ravaging each other. Things were happening so fast and furiously I put my hand to his chest to slow the pace for a moment.

“Is everything okay
?” he asked breathlessly.

“We’ve got a problem,” I teased.

He looked stricken. “What?”

“You have entirely too many clothes on.”

A half smile crossed his face. “That’s a problem easily solved.”

I watched as he removed his suit jacket and placed it on the desk chair. He took off his shoes and socks and left them under the chair. He carefully unbuttoned his shirt and placed it on the chair with the jacket. Then he stepped out of his pants and added them to the pile of clothes he’d made.

Finally he turned to face me in just his boxer briefs. His body was perfect, lean and muscular. Even though he said he was no longer playing sports, he was obviously still working out.

“How’s that?” he asked.
There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. The boy had nothing to be uncertain about, that was for sure.

I stepped closer and placed a hand on his hard chest. He drew in a breath as I carefully caressed his muscular abs. “I want you,” I whispered.

As if he had been waiting all of this life to hear those three words, Cameron’s mouth crashed into mine and he devoured me.

When
he looked at me, he had a twinkle in his eye that I had never seen before, it was both mischievous and sexy. Without taking his eyes from mine, he lifted me up and carried me over to the bed. He carefully laid me down and for a moment, he took me in, his eyes traveling every inch of my body. I felt like he was trying to memorize everything about me—every feature and every curve of my body.

He took in a breath and I thought he might say something but no words came out.

“What?” I asked, a half smile overtaking my face.

“I know it sounds like a line but you’re truly beautiful.”

My smile grew broader. “That does sound like a line.”

Cameron removed his boxer briefs and climbed into the bed next to me. Then he took his index finger and slowly ran it down the length of my arm, from my shoulder blade to my fingers. Then he ran his finger down my side to my hip and then to my belly button, where he lingered a few seconds. Shivers ran through me as he circled the edge of my belly button with his finger.

He moved down to my feet and ran his finger from my inner ankle, all the way up my leg and my inner thigh, releasing another wave of shudders through me. He didn’t stop there, his finger moved to my other thigh and he ran it the length of my thigh down my leg to my other ankle. When he did a slow deliberate circle around my ankle, I felt like I might explode.

Cameron moved up to my nipples and his finger worked magic as he circled and caressed each nub.

When every nerve ending in my body was charged, he moved his mouth to mine and attacked me with lips and tongue.

I had never felt so much desire in my life. “I want you,” I whispered. But it was more than that. I felt like I needed Came
ron. I needed to feel that ultimate connection with him, body and soul.

“Are you sure? Tell me you’re sure.”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Without any more hesitation, Cameron jumped from the bed and removed a packet from his suit jacket pocket. He ripped it open and rolled the condom over his impressive erection.