After Alex Died (11 page)

“But you dated nearly every cheerleader in our school.”
And most of them were prettier than me
and
some of them were even smarter than me
.

“I was supposed to date cheerleaders. I wasn’t supposed to date the Honors student at the top of the class. Besides, did you
ever see me go out with any of those cheerleaders for more than a week or two?”

I had to admit I
hadn’t. I shook my head. “I just assumed it was your choice.”

“No, definitely not.
I’m not the screw-and-bolt kind of guy at all.”

“You kind of had the reputation.”

He heaved a heavy sigh. “I wanted a relationship. It just never happened. I think girls got bored with me when they figured out I wasn’t some bad boy Casanova and they moved on to one of my friends who could definitely fill that role for them.”

“I guess we both had misperceptions about each other,” I observed.

I could see Cameron had a lot of hurt inside and I wanted to do something to take it away, at least for a little while. I reached up and gave him a soft kiss. We both looked at each other for a long moment and then the floodgates of passion burst open. Cameron pulled me close and kissed me so deeply and so hungrily, it took my breath away.

When we took a break for air, I placed my hand on Came
ron’s cheek. “I don’t know how anyone could ever get bored with you.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and rested his head
against my palm. Then he folded me into his muscular arms and pulled me so tight, nearly every inch of our bodies were touching. “Please don’t ever let me go,” he whispered into my ear.

We stayed locked in a tight embrace for what seemed like several minutes. I breathed in the scent of him, clean with just a hint of aftershave. I felt so warm, and safe and oddly comfortable inside the arms of a boy who was once my enemy. How could someone, who had once been so cruel
, now be so kind?

Perception is such a strange thing and how quickly it can change. All kinds of thoughts swirled through my head again. Cameron actually thought about me in high school. He thought I was too smart and perfect to be with him and I thought he was too cute and popular to be with me. I felt like Alice, who had just gone down the rabbit hole and ended up in an alternate reality. Was I actually falling for Cameron Connelly, one of the boys who
was arrested for harassing my brother to death?

Cameron kissed my forehead then said, “We’d better get g
oing. I don’t want Sofia to send the cops out looking for us or anything. You know that girl is very protective of you.”

That made me wonder
if they had talked about me. “Is she?” I asked playfully.

He nodded.
“Oh, yeah. She threatened to have all four of her brothers take me down if I ever did anything to hurt you. I don’t think she was kidding either.”

“We’d better not keep her waiting then,” I replied and we headed off to the club.

***

“Girl, you look hot,” Sofia said as soon as she saw me. She pointed to Cameron. “This boy is lucky you’re even looking at him.”

Cameron grabbed my hand and pulled me close. “I know I’m lucky. And I’m not going to take it for granted.”

“See,” she said to Antonio who was standing by her side. “You should never take a woman for granted.”

Antonio shook his head and looked at Cameron. “Dude, come on. Don’t make me look bad.”

“Then don’t take your lovely lady for granted,” Cameron teased.

Sofia eyed Antonio. He let out a sigh then gave her a quick kiss. They both looked at each other and grinned. They made a cute couple and seemed to be very in tune with each other.

I was still amazed at how in tune Cameron seemed to be with me, even though we hadn’t really known each other very long. Of course, we
had known
of
each other for years, but it was becoming increasingly clear that much of what I’d
thought
I knew about Cameron was based on my own faulty perceptions and misjudgments about him.

When
an upbeat dance song came on Antonio pulled Sofia onto the dance floor and Cameron pulled me right after them.

He
wasn’t a great dancer but he wasn’t a complete disaster either. He could keep the beat and we were having fun. The time went by fast and soon the four of us were sweating and thirsty.

Three Cokes and a Sprite later, we were all back on the dance floor. After
a moment Sofia started making gestures toward the far edge of the dance floor. I turned to look and spotted Renee and Rachel both staring daggers at me. My mood quickly shifted and I suddenly felt uncomfortable.

Cameron put his face close to my ear so I could hear him over the music. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
How does he always sense my mood changes so quickly
, I wondered.

“Renee and Rachel are glaring at me.” I pointed in their dire
ction.

When Cameron glanced over at them, they both smiled and Rachel gave him a little flirty wave.

Cameron looked flustered when he turned back towards me. “What’s wrong?” I asked, a little too cattily. I could feel jealously start to pulse through my veins and I immediately hated myself for it.

“Nothing.”
Cameron was trying to be dismissive about the whole thing but I could see something was really bothering him.

“Obviously, there’s something going on. You’re acting weird and the blondes are shooting daggers at me from across the dance floor.”

Cameron gulped. “Can we talk about it later?” His voice was getting small again. It always seemed to shrink when he was upset or nervous.

“Maybe it’s just better if I go.” I started to walk off the dance floor but Cameron grabbed my elbow to stop me.

“Please,” he was almost pleading. “Don’t go.”

“I think you need to tell me about Rachel and Renee and why they look like they want to kill me.”

Cameron pulled me over to a table in a quieter corner of the club. Well, as quiet as you can get in a packed dance club anyway.

“Do you remember that day when I was late for the trip and you saved my ass with Dr. Jones?”

I rolled my eyes. “How could I forget?”

“I went out with
Rachel and Renee. We went out drinking. I know, it wasn’t a smart thing to do. Especially because I’m almost done with my probation. Let’s just say they were very persuasive. Renee has a boyfriend back at Rutgers where she goes to school. They were trying to fix me up with Rachel. I thought she was cute at first but she got really drunk and started coming on to me. It had been a really long time since I was with someone. Girls don’t exactly throw themselves at guys arrested for criminal harassment. She asked me go back to her room with her and I did.”

Cameron looked down at the table, clearly uncomfortable but he continued. “The next morning, I immediately regretted being with her. I knew it was a mistake.
Rachel said she didn’t want anything serious but she wanted to continue to mess around. I told her no but she said, ‘Well, see about that. I usually get what I want when I want it.’ I’ve tried to avoid them but it’s obviously not that easy since we all work together.”

He still
wouldn’t look at me. I could see he felt bad about what had happened but it still happened and we had to deal with it.

“Will you please look at me?” I asked.

After a moment, he looked up and I could see his eyes were wet. My stomach clenched as I thought about him being with Rachel. I felt sick.

“She doesn’t care about me and she really doesn’t want to be with me. She just wants someone to fool around with and to entertain her for the next few weeks. If I had any idea that you would ever consider being with me, I would have never hooked up with her.”

“There’s no way you could have known that we would end up together. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself.”

“Are you forgetting my number one Top Song…I’m a loser
, baby.”

“Do you really believe that?” I asked.

“Ask my parents. They’ll tell you. Or my basketball coach. The other guys on the team who I let down. Half of our town. Being called a loser is better than being spit on and called a murderer, which some people still call me. Or a monster. A dirt bag. I think you even called me a few choice names in the past. When you hear those things enough, you start to believe them.”

I rose. “Maybe you’d better take me home then. I don’t think I want to be seen with a dirt bag.
Or a monster. Or even a loser. I thought it was Cameron Connelly who took me out.”

He got up and put his hands in his pockets.
After rolling on his heels for a few seconds he said, “Okay, let’s go.”

The walk home was excruciating. I wanted that boy who came to pick me up back. I wanted the boy with the sparkle in his eyes.
The one who was excited about possibilities. The Cameron who was next to me now was stuck in the past, regretting who he was and what he had done. We were such mirrors of each other in so many ways. How often did I feel like I was stuck in the past, a victim of mistakes and even a prisoner to them? I didn’t realize how alike Cameron and I truly were and how much we had in common. I realized then why we were so in tune with each other.

When we got back to the dorm he still hadn’t touched me, or even
said another word to me. That wasn’t okay. I could feel him pulling away and returning to his
defensive shell. I knew that feeling so well because I had hidden in my own shell for so long. How ironic that Cameron was at least partially responsible for pulling me out of mine? Was I responsible for him crawling back into his?

We stood at my door for a moment as Cameron rocked on his heels. “I think you need to come in,” I said. It wasn’t a question.

He swallowed and stared at his shoe. “It’s late.”

“I know. But we need to talk.”

He nodded and I opened my door. I sat on my bed and Cameron nervously paced the floor for a moment. “You need to sit down,” I said. “Right here.” I pointed to a spot on the bed right next to me.

Cameron did as he was told. We both sat looking at each ot
her before either of us spoke. He still had so much sadness in his eyes it pierced my heart.

“I don’t date losers,” I said matter-of-factly. “I would never date a loser.
Ever.”

“I think you just made an exception.”

I shook my head. “There are no exceptions. No losers. Not now. Not ever.”

He gulped. He looked like a sad little boy. I just wanted to hug him. Instead, I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. His breath caught and I continued to kiss him. After a moment his body responded and he kissed me back, tentatively at first but then more urgently and passionately.

Every nerve ending in my body responded to his desire. I had to pull away just to gain a little control.

Cameron pulled me
against his chest and embraced me tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“For what?”

“For wanting me.”      

I nestled into the warmth of his
arms and inhaled his scent. I felt so alive and free, I didn’t want the moment to end.

“I’d better go,” Cameron said
, although his words were not convincing. I knew he wanted to stay as much as I wanted him to. “We have to get up early tomorrow.”

As he pulled away
he caressed my face with his fingers. “I still can’t believe I’m here with you like this.”

I smiled and Cameron’s eyes regained some of the sparkle that I was growing to love.
He rose and I followed him to the door. When he turned to face me he looked worried.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m not sure how to act tomorrow, when we’re working, around the kids.”

“What do you mean?”

He held my face in his strong hands. “When I’m around you, I want to touch you and hold you and kiss you. I want everyone to know how I feel about you but I don’t think that’s going to fly with Dr. Jones.”

“Definitely not,” I agreed.

“I just want you to know that it’s going to be extremely difficult to keep my hands off you.”

“It’ll just give you something to look forward to,” I teased.

“You’re right about that.” He bent down and gave me one soft kiss before he left.

New York City

Dr. Jones planned two special trips over the course of the six-week program. The first big trip was to New York City and the final trip was to Washington, D.C. The New York City trip was our first overnight with the kids in a hotel. We were to arrive early on Saturday, tour Ellis Island, stay over Saturday night, and then spend all day Sunday at the American Museum of Natural History and the Hayden Planetarium. I knew it sounded a lot easier than it was probably going to be.

All of the kids in the program lived in New Jersey and most of them had spent their lives in the state. What surprised me was that many of them had never been to New York City, which was right across the Hudson River. To say the kids were excited about the overnight
trip was an understatement. They were completely ecstatic.

I was surprised to see Cameron waiting in the hallway outside my room.

“Why didn’t you knock on my door?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to bother you while you were getting ready. But I did want to do this.”

He gave me a soft kiss.

I could hear some doors slamming down the hall, so I pulled away. “We’d better get the kids gathered and on the bus.”

Trying to get six kids and their overnight bags onto the bus was challenging
.
Add
in the other counselors and their kids and it turned into a nightmare.

Dr. Jones’s whistle blew amidst the chaos and everyone froze. “This is not acceptable behavior,” she yelled. “I want everyone
to stow his or her bags either above the seat or below it. And unless you want me to assign seats, you’ll do so in an orderly fashion.”

We all looked at each other before anyone moved. Then Sofia and Antonio moved toward the back of the bus and began helping their kids get their belongings organized. The other counselors followed suit.

Our kids ended up being in the middle of the bus. Cameron grabbed a bag from Savannah that looked like it was about to topple over on her as she tried to lift it over her head.

“What have you got in here?” Cameron asked.

She rolled her eyes. “We’re going to New York. I’ve got to look good.”

“We’re going for two days,” he reminded her. “And you’re already wearing something for day one.”

Grace laughed but waited for him to help her with her bag, which was apparently just as heavy as Savannah’s.

When I glanced at Destiny, she only had a small backpack over her shoulder. “Traveling light?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I’ve been to New York City quite a few times. It’s not a big deal.”

“Maybe you can be a guide for some of the other students then,” I suggested. “Most of them haven’t been out of New Jersey.”

“You’re assuming they care anything about what I have to say. Bad assumption.”

“What about Lyle? I bet he’d appreciate your expertise.”

Lyle, who was sitting just one row back, looked up at us. “Who wouldn’t want a personal tour guide?” he grinned.

“Okay, fine. I’ll do it. But only because Lyle flashed his di
mples.”

His grin grew wider, accentuating his dimples even more. “They are irresistible, aren’t they?”

“Don’t get a big head,” Destiny warned as she took the seat next to him. “That doesn’t mean I think you’re cute or anything.”

“You know I love you but you’re not my type.
Maybe if you had a brother—”

“I do have a brother. He’s a sophomore. But he likes girls.”

Lyle shook his head. “The cute guys usually do.”

When all the kids were finally situated and in their seats, Dr. Jones gave her standard lecture about the do’s and don’ts of the
trip. “Remember, stay with your group. No one is allowed to go anywhere alone. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Dr. Jones,” everyone responded in unison.

“And don’t think I won’t do random room checks in the middle of the night to make sure everyone is in their assigned rooms.”

I swear Dr. Jones looked right
at me and Cameron. Or maybe I was already feeling guilty about my desire to be in his room in the middle of the night. Sofia and I were assigned to share a hotel room as were Cameron and Antonio. I had a feeling there would definitely be some switching around in the middle of the night.

***

The bus dropped us off at Battery Park to catch a ferry to Ellis Island. From the research I had done I already knew that 12 million immigrants entered the United States through Ellis Island, and the descendants of those immigrants accounted for nearly half of the American population.

The thing I liked most about the first part of our tour was that it allowed us to  recreate the immigrant experience as if we had just landed on the island from the “old world.” After our formal tour, we were given time to examine the many exhibits,
artifacts and displays that chronicle the immigrant experience throughout America’s relatively short history.

The kids seemed really engaged in learning about Ellis Island and the immigrant experience, so I breathed a small sigh of relief that I could relax and enjoy the historical site myself for a few minutes. That’s when I felt someone come up behind me. Without turning around, I instinctively knew it was Cameron. The connection that was building between us was so palpable.

“I wish I knew more about my family history,” Cameron said. He was so close, I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

“Me, too,” I admitted.

Cameron being so close, and feeling the warmth from his body, seemed to put me under some kind of a spell. I suddenly couldn’t think of anything except having more of him—his lips on my lips, his hands on my body, my hands on his body. My mind protested and called me a traitor. I was not supposed to be with the enemy. But my body didn’t care. My body wanted Cameron. At that moment my body craved intimacy with a guy I once hated. How was that possible? Did I still hate Cameron? Or did I love him? Or both? As Sophia reminded me, “
There’s a fine line between love and hate
.” I had never really understood what the saying meant, until now.

When Cameron breathed me in, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck all stand at attention and a quick shiver r
un through me.

“Cold?”
he quipped, even though he knew full well the effect he was having on me.

“The opposite,” I whispered.

“Oh, you’re hot for me?” he whispered back.

I glanced around to make sure no one was watching us. All the other students and counselors seemed to be preoccupied with the exhibits. Even Dr. Jones was intently examining one of the displays.

“Do you know how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of you?” Cameron asked.

I turned to face him and I saw desire in his
eyes that was so intense, my breath caught.  “I have an idea,” I managed to say.

“Good,” he stated. “You need to know how I feel about you. And I want you to think seriously about how you’re going to handle it.

I gulped. Sometimes I felt like he was reading my mind.

“When’s lunch?” a male voice stated as Lyle made his way over to us. “I’m starving already.”

I frowned. “Not until after the tour. We’ve still got another forty-five minutes at least.”

Lyle heaved an exaggerated sigh, as if we were torturing him. “What did Dr. Jones say about those sighs?” I admonished.

“I’m sorry,” Lyle replied. “I must be going through another growth spurt. I’m starving all the time.”

“Let’s go see what Dr. Jones has in mind for lunch,” I su
ggested. “Maybe if you know what the plan is, you’ll have something to look forward to.”

Lyle smiled and the three of us headed over to see Dr. Jones.

***

After a quick lunch at Subway, which Antonio loved and Lyle seemed satisfied with, we headed to our hotel. Dr. Jones told us that the hotel gave a discount rate to students and I could see why. The place had probably been in its heyday in the 1940s and looked like it hadn’t been updated much since then. Luckily all of the kids in our group had rooms on the same floor
, as did those in Sofia and Antonio’s group.

“I just want to remind you that we will be doing room checks throughout the night,” Antonio announced as
the kids scurried around to find their rooms.

When I glanced over at Ryan and Hunter they were both grinning like the Cheshire cat.

“I know it’s tempting to want to sneak out, or party in your rooms,” Antonio continued. “Believe me, it wasn’t that long ago that I was in high school. But you know how Dr. Jones is and you know she’ll put you and your stuff in a taxi back to Jersey, no questions asked. You’ve all been warned.”

Grace and Savannah eyed each other and giggled. I had a fee
ling we were going to have our hands full tonight. The four of us trying to keep all of the teens out of trouble in the middle of New York seemed like an arduous task, kind of like putting a pack of dogs into the middle of a butcher’s shop and trying to keep them away from the meat.

Once everyone was in their assigned rooms, we had a little break before it was time to take the kids to dinner.

“Do you mind if I go over to Antonio’s room for a few minutes,” Sofia asked as she applied lipstick at the mirror over the desk. “Maybe I can talk Cameron into coming over here to keep you company. Although, I don’t think it would take much convincing.”

“I’m still not sure what we’re doing is right,” I admitted.

When Sofia turned back to face me, her brows were furrowed. “Why?”

“I just can’t get over the idea that somehow I’m betraying Alex by getting involved with Cameron.”

“Do you think it’s fair to punish Cameron his entire life for the mistakes he made in high school? Should you be punished? You can’t keep living in the past, Dee Dee. Cameron seems like he’s changed. He seems to be genuinely sorry for what he did. Do you really think he knew what Alex was going to do? Do you really think he would have said and done the things he did if he had known?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“I think you should give him a chance. You should give whatever is developing between the two of you a chance.”

“Okay,” I said finally.

“I’ll send Cameron over,” Sofia offered as she headed towards the door. “I don’t know how you can resist those sexy green eyes of his. That boy is fine.”

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and I let Cameron in. He did look fine in his jeans and polo shirt. The moment he saw me, he pulled me into his muscular arms. I could feel his heart pounding as I laid my head on his chest.

“Nervous?” I asked.

“I’m always nervous around you,” he admitted.

“Why?”

“Because I keep thinking this is all a dream and I’ll wake up and you’ll still hate me.”

I looked into his eyes. I wanted to tell him that I had never hated him but it would have been a lie. There was a time when I’d despised the very thought of him. It seemed like such a long time ago, now that I was in his arms.

“You’re the one who keeps telling me we have to let go of the past,” I said.

“Maybe this will help.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips.

“It does,” I said. “Do you want to sit down?” I grabbed his hand and pulled him over to my bed.

We both sat down and looked at each other for a few moments. It was still hard to believe we had gotten to this place considering our past. I placed my finger on the scar over his left eye and Cameron inhaled sharply. I carefully ran my finger over the length of it. “When are you going to tell me how you got this?” I asked.

I don’t know why but I had a strong feeling that ugly scar held the key to something important. Important pieces to the Cameron puzzle that I was still missing.

He grabbed my wrist and stopped my finger right before I had a chance to run it back over the scar again. “Not now,” he said softly.

He put my hand to his mouth and kissed my fingers. “I’m not ready.”

His words were so solemn, they took my breath away. “Okay,” was all I could mumble. His unwillingness to share that part of himself with me was disconcerting.

“It’s not that I don’t want to.” His expression now looked pained. He inhaled and continued. “I’ve never told anyone, except my counselor.”

“Not even your parents?”

He shook his head.

I looked at the scar again. It was long and deep. It had obviously required stitches. How was it possible that he hadn’t told them about it?

As if anticipating my next question, Cameron said, “They don’t know the truth. I told them I got hit with a basketball and they believed me.”

The scar didn’t look like something a basketball could do. It looked too jagged and deep.

“It was obviously a story they wanted to believe,” I said.

“I guess so.”

I put my fingers on it again and felt its rough and uneven su
rface. Cameron closed his eyes as he let me continue to caress his face. He took a long deep breath as I touched his cheek and then his chin.