After Alex Died (17 page)

Letter to Alex

Dear Alex-

After you died I felt completely and totally alone. I never once felt that way when you were alive. You were always my side-kick, my cuter and much funnier shadow. You could always make me laugh at the silliest things.

I don’t remember laughing as much since you died. It’s as if my ability to laugh died and was buried with you.

Most days I feel like I’m swimm
ing in a sea of despair. I know that’s
a cliché. Bad writing and all of that. You were always the creative one. I used to marvel at your ability to make up the funniest stories with just a word or even a simple gesture thrown at you. Because you were so funny and always made people laugh, I had no idea you were so sad inside. Does that make me a bad sister? That I didn’t know? That I couldn’t tell something was very wrong?

I feel like I let you down.

You said you felt like your life was ruined and that no one would ever respect you. I know you wondered if anyone would ever love you. I loved you, but I know that’s not the kind of love you so desperately wanted. You wondered if you’d ever find someone to love you enough to marry you. Or if you’d even be allowed to get married. You wondered why you were treated like a second-class citizen.

You told me you thought about God a lot. You wondered if God existed
, and if so, how could he make you so different from everyone else and still claim to love you. And you wondered how God could have created people who showed so much hate towards you. But those people didn’t even know you. They only hated you for what they thought you were. You were a lot of things—so many rich and wonderful things. You were gay but you were so much more. 

I always wanted you to sing at my wedding. You had such a beautiful voice and knew how to perform. I wondered so many times if I’d ever get married. But after you died, I didn’t think my heart would ever heal enough to love another person.

I wonder how you’d feel if I told you one day that I was getting married to Cameron Connelly. Would you feel betrayed? Would you be angry? Would you even want to be there? Part of me wonders if you would have eventually forgiven him. You had such a big heart and you were filled with so much love and kindness. I have a feeling you would have been able to eventually find it in your heart to let go and free yourself of the pain. And a big part of that freedom would have come from forgiveness.

I will always love you, Alex.

Resources

Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide
: In this collection of interviews with survivors of suicide, individuals talk candidly and intimately about how their lives have been impacted by the suicide of a family member or close friend. Over 50 individuals were willing to share their personal tragedies as a way of helping others who face a similar loss, as well as educating the public about the issues survivors of suicide face. Their willingness to share their stories is a testament to their endurance and strength in the face of adversity.

The Trevor Project
: A national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.

It Gets Better Project:
A place where young people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender can see they are not alone and that it does get better, if they can make it through their teen years.

About the Author

Dakota Madison has been writing since she learned to read and fell in love with books. When she's not at her computer creating spicy new romances, Dakota is traveling to exotic locales or spending time with her husband and their bloodhounds.

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