All Falls Down (10 page)

Little fires dance where his fingers touch.

His gaze tangles with mine again and the regret and guilt in those jade depths is probably an exact mirror of my own. He understands completely.

I wish he didn't, that he didn't have to.

Before I can respond to him, he's walking away again.

I clear my throat and call his name, determined to say something to ease his mind and make it a little better for him, too. He stops halfway to the mansion and turns back to me. The setting sun hits his head, causing a halo of light to surround him, and I have to squint to see his face.

He looks far away again, weary and weighed down.

"You're not terrible either," I say just loud enough for him to hear. "Not at all."

He dips his head once before he turns away again. He says nothing and I'm not sure he believes me, but I want him to. He's not terrible.

I barely know him, but as I watch him walk away, I realize that I do know one thing.

He would never hurt me like Toby did.

I realize something else too.

Those brief touches of his skin to mine aren't nearly enough.

Chapter Six: Can't Forget You

"This is ridiculous," I mutter to myself. I'm standing in the kitchen, staring out at the rain sheeting down outside the window. Thunder rumbles in the distance, though I've yet to see a single flash of lightning. I'm beyond annoyed. For the last week, it's rained on a daily basis and I'm tired of it. I miss the sun. I miss being able to sneak out of the mansion without getting soaked.

Hell, at this point, I miss shoes that aren't of the rain boot variety.

The entire week has been a study in frustration, and the rain isn't helping matters.

Lexi refuses to talk about whatever's bothering her, brushing off any attempt to find out with a forced laugh and a tight smile, which has Kit wringing her hands. Madeline refuses to budge on the issue of returning to school, screaming that she isn't ready any time the subject is brought up, which has everyone at a complete loss.

And if that didn't already have me ready to scream, avoiding Jared is making me crazy. I don't even know why I'm avoiding him. Because I like him. Because I can't like him. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

"Dammit," I huff, scrubbing my hands across my face. It doesn't help, of course. I feel completely out of sync with everything, a buoy adrift in raging seas.

Laying my forehead against the cool glass, I sigh.

What am I doing here?

Things are bad all around and I have no clue what to do to help. I don't even know if I
can
help. The girls just lost their father, for God's sake. Rubbing Kit's back or playing with Madeline's hair until she cries herself to sleep doesn't seem adequate.

Nothing does.

Why the hell am I here?

I'm standing at the window, staring out at the city beyond. I'm trapped here, suffocating. It's been over a week since I woke up and I still don't know when I'll get to leave. The doctor keeps telling me I need time to heal. He says it so much, I've begun to suspect it's the first English he learned.

Every time he says it, I just nod. I don't really want to explain to him that time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't fix what's broken, or make it hurt any less. Toby hasn't come to see me once. Neither has Laney. They're the only two people I know in Italy, and they've betrayed and abandoned me to the tender mercies of a hospital staff speaking a language I barely understand.

I just want out.

I press my fingers to the glass.

"Ms. Martin?"

I drop my hand and turn to find Dr. Allegretti standing in the doorway to my room. His lab coat is pristine. His hair has too much gel. His teeth are too white. But he always looks at me as if he understands what I'm going through.

That's almost worse than hearing him say I need time to heal.

How could he possibly understand when I don't?

I've spent the last two years of my life living under the thumb of a guy who slept with the only thing resembling a friend that I have in this country, and then dumped me off at the hospital and walked away. Said guy hasn't even called to see if I survived or not. Neither has said friend.

No, Dr. Allegretti doesn't understand that.

He can't.

God, why am I still here?

"
I want to leave," I mutter when he crosses the threshold into my room.

He glances between me and the chart in his hand and then nods once. "Maybe tomorrow."

Maybe tomorrow. Right. He's said that every day this week.

I turn back to the window and the city beyond.

Even if he does discharge me, I have nowhere to go.

Nowhere at all.

I squeeze my eyes closed to block out the memories. I know why I'm here, but that doesn't really help settle me any. I feel useless. Guilty. Confused. It shouldn't be this hard to get it together, figure out what to do, and then do it. But some days, it's completely impossible. I'm weighed down with worry, and there's nothing I can do to ease any of it.

I can't help the girls cope.

I can't tell them everything will be okay.

I can't even help myself or tell myself it will be okay. My insides are shredded, completely gutted. Toby's out of my life, and I'm beyond relieved… so why can't I breathe? Or relax? Why am I still looking over my shoulder? Still waking up in a cold sweat, thinking he's here, screaming at me again? Why do I feel like I'm falling apart?

What is
wrong
with me?

I turn away from the window and jump when I see Lexi standing behind me.

"Lexi," I gasp, clutching a hand over my racing heart. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry." She offers me a halfhearted smile, practically fidgeting where she stands in six inch heels. She's dressed in a long, stunning blue gown and matching wrap, her hair swept up in soft curls. She's beautiful, absolutely perfect for Jared.

Guilt gnaws at me the instant I think his name, twisting in my stomach until I want to gag.

"What's up?" I ask, trying to push through the sensation and smile.

"I just wanted to let you know that Jared and I have to go to this function in Daddy's honor tonight. Would you mind staying in the main house with Kit and Maddi until we get home?"

Jared won't be here.

"Of course," I agree, barely containing a relieved sigh.

"Thanks." Lexi smiles again and readjusts her shawl. "You have our cell numbers, right?"

I nod. They're already programmed into the phone Jared gave me.

"I'll make sure he sets the security alarm and Stewart closes the gates before we leave. We're only a few minutes away, so call if you need anything."

"We'll be okay," I promise her.

Her smile slips. She readjusts the shawl carefully, avoiding my gaze. I want to beg her to just tell me what's going on with her, but I might actually scream if she tells me it's nothing like she keeps telling Kit. I keep my mouth shut instead, and she grimaces.

"I'm sorry. I just worry, you know? I don't know how to do this," she whispers. "I don't know how to be a mom and a CEO. I miss Daddy." Tears trickle down her face.

My heart literally aches for her.

I step forward and squeeze her hands. "You're doing great, Lexi. The girls are lucky to have you."

She blows out a breath and nods before pulling her hands from mine and dashing at her eyes.

I smile at her, shaking my head when she asks if she's smeared her make-up.

She offers me a quick hug and exits as quietly as she entered. My burden is a little lighter when she goes, as if talking to her has lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. Kit and Maddi will be okay. They have Lexi. Somehow, I just know she'll get them through this.

And if I have to avoid being alone with Jared in the meantime?

Well, I'll figure out how to deal with it.

"Do you remember Tyler Rollins?" Kit asks, her blue eyes sparkling with mischief as she looks up at me from her seat on the floor. She selects a nail polish bottle from her kit and holds it up for Madeline's approval.

"Good choice," Maddi says before turning back to the magazine on her knees. Justin Bieber's face is pictured front and center. I really don't understand the appeal of the boy, but her room is full of posters of him.

Kit arches a brow at me and I nod my head, giving her permission to continue her assault. She and Maddi have decided that we're having girls' night while Lexi and Jared are out. I'm not sure if their ambush was more for my benefit or their own, but either way, I couldn't tell them no.

Kit dips the polish wand into the bottle and then smears the bright red color across my big toe.

"He got Morgan Wright's cousin pregnant last year," Maddi announces, dropping her magazine onto the couch beside her and curling up. "Morgan was furious."

My mouth opens into a little
o
of surprise.

Kit nods vigorously. "You should have heard her screaming at him at Tori's wedding rehearsal," she says. "He just stood there and listened while she screamed and threw things. When she finally shut her trap, he told her that he was marrying Liz. She stormed out and ran off to L.A. Came home three weeks later and wouldn't even acknowledge Tyler or Liz."

"Wow," I say. Morgan was always a spiteful bitch, but she and Tyler dated for years. I never would have suspected that he'd be the one to cheat. "That's crazy."

"Right?" Kit says, shaking her head. "I never really cared for Morgan, but I feel bad for her. I mean, her ex-fiancé and her cousin are married and have a baby now. That has to suck."

"Big time," Madeline yawns.

We fall silent.

Kit continues working on my toes.

I don't really want to sympathize with Morgan, but as Maddi grabs the blanket from the back of the sofa and tosses it over her legs, I can't help but feel for her. It sucks enough to be dumped by a loser for a friend. To be dumped for a family member though?

That has to hurt.

"What do you think?" Kit asks a few minutes later, twisting the cap back onto the nail polish.

I glance down to find my toes tipped in bright red.

"Not bad," I murmur. I glance over to ask Maddi's opinion, only to find her fast asleep, a hand tucked under her cheek. "She still does that."

"Hmm?" Kit drops the nail polish back into the kit with the other bottles and snaps the lid closed.

"Maddi," I say. "She still falls asleep in two seconds flat."

"Yeah." Kit glances over at her little sister. A sad smile twists at her lips. "I envy her that ability."

Don't we all?
I want to say. Instead I reach out and squeeze Kit's fingers.

She leans back against the couch and sighs.

"I think I'm going to move back to campus this weekend."

"Really?" I arch a brow, surprised. This is the first time she's mentioned it.

She nods her head. "I need to catch up before finals, and I don't know, I guess I just need a break. Being here… I'm constantly waiting for Daddy to walk through the door, and every time I realize he isn't going to, it kills me all over again. And Lexi won't tell me what's going on. Being here right now is so hard. Maybe it'll be easier if I have a little space, you know?" She chews on her bottom lip, her forehead wrinkling. "Is that selfish of me?"

"No," I answer carefully. "You lost your dad and your life changed, Kit. But that doesn't mean it has to end. Neither of your sisters would want you to drop everything you've worked so hard for. I know you all depend on each other, but you have to come first sometime, too. That's not selfish. It's realistic."

Kit sighs. "I just feel bad for leaving now, you know? Lexi and Maddi need me, and you just got here."

"Kit, you'll only be twenty minutes away." I want to assure her that we'll all be okay, but I can't seem to force the words out. I
want
to be okay. I'm
trying
to be okay. But most days I still struggle to really believe it. And I can't lie and tell her Maddi and Lexi will be just fine without her, either. The reality is that they probably aren't going to be just fine, not for a long time to come.