All Falls Down (5 page)

Reverend Haynes begins the final prayer.

I feel eyes on me as he waxes on about heaven and the great things waiting for all of us there. I lift my head to find Jared staring at me. His eyes meet mine briefly and my heart rate picks up. He looks so–

He jerks his gaze away before I can place the emotion.

I lower mine again, shivering.

A line begins to form down the center aisle. Madeline and Kit both bury their heads into my chest, unable to watch people approach the closed casket in ones and twos to say a final, private goodbye. The sounds of weeping intensify as mourners exit the building, tear-stained and regally dressed women led by stoic, well-dressed men.

Madeline cries out, "Daddy" echoing from the rafters.

God, I hate funerals.

"How's she doing?" Jared asks from the doorway.

I'm sitting beside Madeline on her bed, stroking her hair. I glance up to find that he's removed his suit jacket and tie. The top button of his shirt is undone… I shift my gaze back to Madeline.

"She's sleeping," I whisper the obvious, being quiet so as not to wake her.

It's been a difficult day for her. We finally had to give her a sedative an hour ago. She begged me not to leave her and I didn't have the heart to resist. I've been sitting beside her since, thinking.

"That's good."

I see Jared step into the room, but I keep my gaze firmly on Madeline's blonde ringlets. I'm too tired to examine why he makes me so jittery. I've been trying to sort it out all day. Every single time I glanced up to find him staring at me, as a matter of fact.

It happened often, and I don't know why.

"How's Lexi?" I ask, reaching out to pull Madeline's pink and brown quilt more closely around her. My hand brushes her cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She is such a pretty girl. She'll be radiant in a few years, ravishing like Lexi and Kit.

"Sleeping," he murmurs.

"Kit?"

"Grayson's with her." He takes another step into the room.

"That's good," I mumble. Grayson and Kit go to school together. I think she's in love with him, but I don't know. Once again, my failure as a friend burns. How did I let it get so bad that I don't even know who she's dating? If she's dating?

I shake my head, not ready to examine that question now. Maybe later, when I'm alone.

"You were really good with them today," Jared comments.

"It was the least I could do." I twist my fingers together, avoiding his gaze. I'm not sure I'm ready to face him yet. "They mean a lot to me."

Even though I haven't acted like it in the last two years, it's true. Katrina and Madeline have always been dear to me. Lexi, too. I hate myself for not coming back sooner. For not being a real friend. For letting
him
convince me that I was doing them a favor by staying away. Maybe he wasn't wrong about that part of it, but I'm no longer sure he was right, either.

Nothing is clear to me anymore.

"So I see." Jared's quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry if I've been an ass."

I blink, and this time I do glance up at him.

He's staring down at Madeline, a sad frown on his face. There's an air about him, as if he's carrying a heavy weight. He's tired, stressed, seemingly in turmoil. And then he lifts his head, his expression severe. "I'm very protective of this family."

I understand what he's getting at even without him saying it outright. I'm the daughter of their former maid, a nobody in their world. One who's been out of the country for the last two years. I should be used to not being trusted in this world, but hearing it from him in such a way hurts.

"I'm sure Lexi appreciates that," I manage to say, my tone falsely bright.

His expression falls. "Savannah, I didn't mean–"

His eyes are so green, so clear.

My stomach flutters again.

"It's fine," I mutter, not wanting him to know that he's affected me, hurt me.

He opens his mouth to say something else, but doesn't. He simply expels a breath and rips his gaze away from mine. I'm instantly cold.

"You should eat something," he says as if he knows I've eaten nothing all day.

"I will," I venture and then, "Can I ask you a question?"

He nods.

"Kit says Matthew's death wasn't an accident." It's not really a question, but I can't bring myself to ask outright if someone really killed him. It's just too awful to even consider.

"It wasn't," Jared says and then looks at me again, his gaze cold this time. "No one outside the immediate family and police know." He nods at Madeline. "She doesn't know. Keep it that way."

"Oh." I'm at a loss about how to respond to that. "I'm sorry," I finally say though I don't know if I'm apologizing because it happened, because I know, or simply because he makes me feel as if I should.

At least with Toby, I knew why I was apologizing. Not knowing is worse, I think.

Jared just stares at me, seeming frustrated.

I don't have the energy to be here with him anymore. To see him staring at me like that.

I need out.

"Can you sit with her?" I blurt as he rakes a hand through his hair and sighs.

He drops his arm, surprise flickering across his face.

"I need to get something to eat." I curse myself for giving in to the need to explain to him. I'm allowed to need a minute alone, aren't I?

The way he looks at me makes me think the answer to that question is an emphatic and resounding
no
.

"Of course." He nods again, his expression blank.

I struggle to my feet, unable to contain the pained hiss that escapes my lips. I've been sitting in an awkward position too long. My back doesn't appreciate it.

I straighten slowly, biting my lip against the urge to cry out.

"What's wrong?" Genuine concern swims through Jared's expression, throwing me off-balance all over again.

"Nothing," I lie, trying to slip past him.

"Savannah." His hand lands on my arm. "What's wrong?"

"I said nothing," I snap and pull away from the warmth of his touch. My scars are my own, too fresh and too private to share. And, God help me, I don't want this beautiful man to know what I allowed to happen to me.

He doesn't try to stop me when I slip past him this time.

Chapter Three: Hurt Me

I make my way down the stairs, and sigh in relief to find that the throng of mourners has thinned considerably. Those who remain are close family friends, board members from T.I., distant relatives, and in all probability, the morbid few who will keep the gossip-mill running for weeks. None pay the least bit of attention to me, however.

I slip quietly through the family rooms and into the kitchen, out of sorts and aching. I shouldn't have snapped at Jared, I know this, but he runs so hot and cold. Lukewarm and cold, really. I can't keep up. One minute, he's so gentle. And the next, he's scowling at me as if I've done something wrong.

I'm offended by his implication that I might bring harm to the sisters in some way. It's nothing I haven't heard before – in great length and detail – but the insinuation hurts nonetheless. When Toby said it, it was simply a way to manipulate, control, and wound. Just another way to keep me dependent upon him, to break me. Acknowledging this hurts more than it should, but he can't wound me anymore. The physical scars I carry – the days spent alone in the hospital – are enough.

Jared though….

He's an unknown intrusion into my fragile bubble. A mystery.

It scares me that I find myself so at odds around him. He's no one to me –
I
am no one to him – and yet, the way he speaks to me hurts. I feel so inadequate, constantly apologizing for some failure I don't understand. This is how I felt with Toby. How he
wanted
me to feel. Enduring it again here and now is disconcerting, painful.

Everything here is so confusing and I'm lost. In everything. I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, and for this moment at least, Katrina needs me. After this… well, I don't know where to go from here. My future is mine and it's overwhelming. I never had a plan beyond school. And I don't even know where to begin making one now.

Sometimes I think that being manipulated and controlled is easier than this. But I'm not that girl anymore and I don't want to be. I'm just… me. A nobody.

That hurts, too.

I make my way into the kitchen to find Lexi standing in front of the chrome coffee pot, staring blankly out the window. Raindrops run down the flawless glass like tears. Fitting that the sky should cry on a day like this.

Matthew is really gone. My heart aches all over again. I want to cry that this isn't fair, that he deserved better, but who really listens anyway?

"Hi, Lexi," I say instead, not wanting to scare her. She's been so jumpy today. I can't help but remember what Kit shared with me last night.

Is Lexi in danger? How is Jared keeping her safe? Who killed Matthew?

There are a thousand questions I want to ask. Unfortunately, the one person I could have burdened with them has made it abundantly clear that it's not my concern, that I don't belong and have no right to ask. I think I may resent him for reminding me that I'm an outsider when I already feel it so acutely.

"Savannah." Lexi turns her head in my direction. Her baby blue eyes are red-rimmed and full of pain. She's still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. "How's Maddi?" she asks.

"She's sleeping." I make my way to the deli trays spread across the bar. Nothing looks appetizing, but I select a few bits of cheese, crackers, and grapes. I have to eat eventually. "Jared's sitting with her."

"That's good. She adores him." Lexi sighs and reaches for the coffee pot. She lifts it in my direction, asking if I want a cup, and I shake my head no. She pours for herself and leans back against the counter, nursing the steaming mug in her hands.

She watches me while I eat.

"He seems fond of her, too," I finally offer, picking at the pathetic selection on my napkin. I want to sit, to relax, but I don't dare. The stools along the counter are too high, and Lexi's standing between me and the table. My back already hurts. It doesn't seem as if the stitches are already out, but they are. Fourteen of them held my skin together, keeping my inside things where they belong.

The reminder makes me queasy.

I open my eyes and blink against the harsh white light blaring down on me from directly overhead. I'm lying down, and I have no idea where I am. Everything hurts. I'm completely disoriented.

I try to sit up, but a hand reaches out and pushes me back down.

"
No, no
!" A woman I've never seen before leans down over me and fires off a rapid string of Italian.

I can't understand what she's saying to me. I just hurt.

"
Dove?
" I ask. My throat is dry and painful, causing the word to crack.

She says something else and then a word I understand.
Ospedale
. I'm in the hospital.

Vague images flicker through my mind. Glass, blood.

Oh God, Toby and Laney.

The woman says something else and then frowns when I don't respond.
"Capisce?"

"
Non capisco
," I mutter. Nausea rolls through me, images of Toby grunting atop Laney flickering through my mind.

The woman – nurse – huffs, her frustration obvious.
"Parla Italiano?"

I know this one, too. But I don't know the answer. I don't know anything.

"
No lo so
," I mumble. I'm frigid. I'm….

"
No lo so
," I whisper again. A tear slides down my temple into my hairline.

"
You fell in glass, Miss Martin," she says in accented English this time. Her expression softens, her hand still on my shoulder to keep me down. "A piece pierced your kidney. You're in the hospital; you've been here for three days."