All Falls Down (6 page)

Three days?

"
Okay," I whisper, a tear dripping onto my ear.

"He is," Lexi says, pulling me back into the present.

I jerk at the sound of her voice.

Lexi notices.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"I'm fine." I ball the napkin up and drop it into the trashcan, my appetite completely gone. I can't bring myself to look up at Lexi again so I stare at the floor instead. Black and white tiles gleam like pieces on a chessboard beneath the strappy sandals Kit forced me to wear.

"How are you, Savannah?" Lexi asks, reaching for my hand. "Really?"

And I know Kit told her everything.

"I'm–" I don't know how to answer her question. I want to tell her the truth. I want to tell her anything but the truth. I just want to forget. "I don't know," I finally say as she squeezes my hand in hers. And I don't know. I haven't known how I am or what I think or what I'm doing once in the last few weeks. Yet, everyone keeps asking, expecting me to have an answer. And maybe I should have one.

I don't know that either.

All I know is that I'm here. Alive. In San Francisco.

"Savannah." Lexi wraps her arm around my shoulder.

The gesture is too much. I'm exhausted, confused, in pain, and we just buried her father, yet she's offering me comfort. The last weeks of turmoil break free as if a dam has burst. I start to cry, great, wracking sobs that I can't even slow, let alone stop.

Her kindness is one of so few in the last two years and it's unbearable.

She ushers me toward the table on the far side of the room and pushes me gently into a chair before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me into her. I rest my head against her stomach and just sob. For the girl I was. For the person I am. For fourteen stitches, broken dreams, and a home I don't have.

"I'm sorry," I cry, trying to pull back to wipe my face.

"Shh, Savannah. It's okay." Lexi strokes my hair as I've done for both of her sisters in the last eighteen hours and it feels good. Safe. "You're going to be okay."

I want to believe her, but I don't.

"Here, drink this." Lexi presses a glass into my hand.

I've stopped crying, but my cheeks burn with shame. I don't know what came over me, and I don't know how to react now that the storm of tears has passed. Taking the glass, I bring it to my lips to sip.

My hands tremble, causing the water to slosh, but I don't spill it.

"Thank you," I whisper, passing the glass back to Lexi.

Her bare feet disappear from view for a moment before they return. The chair beside mine scrapes when she pulls it out and settles into it. For just a moment, it's completely silent in the room. And then snatches of conversation from other parts of the house trickle through. A discordant tune plucked out on the piano in the music room sounds faint and far away.

"Does he know where you are?" Lexi asks.

"I didn't tell him anything. I just left."

"Good." She sounds pleased. "If that bastard shows up here…."

"I don't think he will. I'm not worth coming after."

"Stop it," she snaps.

My gaze flies up to hers to find her staring at me.

Her blue eyes flash with anger.

"He was a bastard, and you deserve better. Don't doubt that."

I know this. I think.

"I'm sorry."

She huffs and her expression softens for a minute before turning fierce again. "I want to kill him," she mutters under her breath.

I flinch and she sighs.

"I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you."

"I'm–" I start to apologize again but she stops me.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Savannah. He hurt you,
abused
you." Loose blonde waves bounce as she shakes her head, disgust stamped across her face. "Why didn't you tell us? We would have come for you."

"I–"

Why didn't I tell them?

Why didn't I leave earlier?

Why didn't I do anything other than stay and obey?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions.

"I thought he loved me."

It sounds false to my own ears, but I did believe it. Once.

"
You are so fucking stupid! Every fucking time I tell you…. I'm so tired of you not listening. You can't even get a simple request right."

"
I'm sorry," I cry.

"
You're always fucking sorry!" he yells. A picture frame shatters against the wall beside me, glass raining down across the floor.

The door slams shut.

I curl up on the couch with my arms wrapped around me. Tears pour down my face and my nose runs, but I can't seem to care. Nothing I do ever seems good enough for Toby. It's like I can't please him. I can't win.

I'm not sure how long I sit there crying, but the apartment darkens.

The front door opens not long later and he comes in again, closing the door quietly behind him.

I stare at the coffee table when he stops in front of me.

I feel his eyes on me but I'm scared to meet his gaze. If he kicks me out, I don't know what I'll do. Where I'll go. We've been here three months and I know no one.
I think I resent that.

"
Look at me," he pleads. His voice trembles. "Savannah, please look at me."

I do, and he seems broken as he drops to his knees in front of me.

"
I'm sorry," he groans. "Oh God, I'm sorry."

I want to turn away from him, ignore him, but I can't. He looks so miserable.
I reach out and pull him up onto the sofa beside me before stretching out with my head in his lap. His hand curls around mine and holds tightly. He strokes my back with the other while I cry quietly.

"You hurt me," I whisper. "The things you said…."

"
I didn't mean it, Sav," he says. "I didn't mean any of it. You just make me so crazy when you don't listen to me."

"
I'm sorry." I squeeze his hand. "I'll do better next time."

"
I love you. You know that, right?"

I believe him.

"I was so stupid," I mutter, more to myself than to Lexi.

"You weren't stupid. You were just a kid." She's making excuses for me.

"I was nineteen," I remind her.

"And I was oblivious. We all were." She frowns. "We should have gone after you, made sure you were really okay over there with him."

"It's not your fault." I don't think I can take it if she blames herself. It's my fault. I was so stupid, so naïve. "It's over now. He's out of my life for good." I hope.

I'm terrified he'll come for me.

Will I be able to tell him to go to hell if he does?

Again, I don't know. And again, I hate myself a little for it.

She peers at me for a moment and then nods. "What are you going to do now?"

It's the million dollar question. Yet another I don't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure. I think maybe… I'll get a job?" I've never really had one before, but I can do something, right? My stomach flutters with uncertainty.

Lexi frowns again. "What about school? You can transfer, right?"

I'm so surprised she doesn't already know that I just blurt it out. "I wasn't in school."

"What?" Her eyes widen. "I thought you transferred your scholarship so you could go to school with him. You were…." She must notice something on my face because she trails off.

"He didn't want me to go," I whisper, staring at the tabletop so I don't have to see her processing this news.

"Jesus, Savannah," she finally whispers, shock heavy in her voice. "You didn't go at
all
?"

"I went for two weeks." I'm so ashamed. "I gave up my scholarship."

Lexi's silent, processing my answer. And then she sighs softly and squeezes my hand in hers again. "You're staying here."

There's a ring of finality in her tone and I want to agree. It would be so easy to just agree with her, but I don't belong here.

"I can't do that," I say. "I can't impose on you and Kit, especially not now."

"It's not imposing," she snorts. "You belong here. I don't give a shit what Toby told you. You're our family and you're staying. Besides, Daddy left the guesthouse and everything in it to you."

My eyes fly to hers again. I'm sure my mouth is hanging open.

She smiles despite her sorrow. "Welcome home, Savannah."

Rain sheets down around me, blocking out the world as I sit on the porch of the guest house. Staring out into the night, I'm in my own little bubble.

Home.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Matthew left the guesthouse to me, but he has. Lexi was quite clear on that fact. So was the letter he left for me.

February 23, 2012

Savannah,

We haven't seen you in over a year, my dear, and I have no one but myself to blame for that. We miss you intensely and I often wonder if we did the right thing by letting you go, but you were so certain. You've always been so constant, so sure. I know that you're doing great things in Italy, and tell myself often that you don't need us hovering. You're so independent. The girls could learn a thing or two from you on that front.

An old man is allowed to be selfish and miss his fourth daughter though, right? No matter where life takes you or what you do with it; I want you to remember that you will always have a home with us. I've ensured it. The guesthouse and everything in it is to be given into your custody should anything averse happen to me.

I plan to be around for a long time though, kiddo, so don't fret.

Each of the girls has had a trust fund established since birth. We set one up for you before Caitlyn passed. In the event of my death, you'll be provided for the same as the three blondes.

I'm not certain why I feel a need to write this out for you now, but you know me. One step ahead and all that jazz.
Garrity has all of the paperwork and information you might need. And I am, of course, looking forward to telling you all of this in person just as soon as you're finished taking Italy by storm, but I thought it fitting to write it out now, on your twentieth.

Happy birthday, Savannah. We miss you.

All my love,

Matthew

My mind is a whirlwind of thought. I'm still trying to make sense of the letter, of why he'd do all of this for me. The guesthouse, a trust fund… I don't deserve either.

So very proud of you.

Matthew was proud of me.

"I'm sorry I let you down," I whisper into the sheeting rain. I doubt he can hear me, wherever he is, but I need to let him know anyway.

"Talking to yourself?" Jared asks, materializing beneath the oak tree again.

For some reason, I'm not surprised to see him.