All Falls Down (39 page)

"Take care," I whisper instead and hurry down the stairs.

She doesn't try to stop me this time.

I make it all the way outside without crying.

Kit's already loaded my stuff into her car. She's in the driver's seat, waiting for me. I stop for a minute, glance back at the mansion, and then over at the guesthouse. My heart aches again, like maybe it's not finished breaking.

I'm halfway to the car when someone grabs me.

Before I can make a sound, Jared's spinning me around. His expression is fierce, burning so brightly not even the rising sun can compete. He drags me into his arms and kisses me. And even though I shouldn't, I kiss him back. On and on until I can't breathe. I'm crying again, tears slipping silently down my face as this beautiful man pours his soul into our kiss.

"I love you," he whispers when he pulls back. Searing jade strips me of every last defense I have. "I love you so fucking much, beautiful girl."

I want to tell him I love him too, but I can't.

"I want you to remember something for me," he whispers, staring into my eyes. He reaches out to stroke my cheekbones,
his fingers gentle against my face
.
"Can you do that for me, love?"

Words fail so I nod.

"I want you to remember that it's you. It's only ever been you. Forever." He kisses me softly. "Can you remember that for me, Savannah?"

"Jared–" His name is a pitiful sob as I throw myself into his arms. Tears pour down my face.

"Beautiful girl," he chastises, gathering me up against his strong chest. "I love you. No matter what, I love you."

"I love you," I whisper.

I don't know how to say goodbye to him again, so I don't. I let him hold me for a long moment, and then I slip away. He presses something into my hand as I start to walk away, but I don't dare look at it. Every part of me demands I stop, turn around, go back… but I don't. I keep walking on numb legs until I'm at the car.

I climb in, buckle my seatbelt, and close my eyes.

I don't open them again until Kit and I have left the Talbot estate far behind.

When I do, I realize he's returned my ring.

I start crying again.

"My roommate moved in with her boyfriend a few months ago, so it's just me," Kit says when we drag my bags up to her dorm half an hour later.

The room is small, but she's made it a home. Pictures of her family are scattered around the desk and bookshelves. There's even a few of me. A beautiful painting of the mansion hangs on the wall between the two twin beds. It reminds me so much of her room at the mansion… I hesitate in the doorway for a long moment.

She drops one of my bags on the bed across from hers, and turns back to me. "You okay, Savannah?"

No.

"Yeah, fine," I lie, stepping inside and pulling the door shut behind me. Crossing the room, I set my other bag beside the bed, and just stand there for a minute. Jared's ring is in my pocket, and it feels so heavy, the weight dragging me down into brutal depths. I just want to curl up and disappear, go somewhere far away, where my heart isn't broken and I actually get to keep Jared.

Kit offers me a sad smile, and I know she doesn't believe me.

"I have class at nine," she says instead of trying to force me to talk. "We can get you unpacked when I get back if you want."

"Okay." I glance at the clock. It's only seven thirty. For some reason, I've forgotten that she has classes. That I'll be here alone most of the day – I'm still a charity case in a world I don't fit into. Here because I have nowhere else to go.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" she asks. "Or take a quick tour?"

The thought of food or facing people makes my stomach churn.

"That's okay. I think I'm just going to rest for a while."

"Okay. I guess I'll… go see if Grayson's up yet."

Things have never been this awkward between the two of us.

I have no clue what to say to her and I don't think she knows what to say to me either.

"I'll start looking for an apartment this afternoon," I mumble. The thought of being completely on my own is overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin.

"Savannah, you can stay here as long as you need to," Kit sighs. "You're family."

Everyone keeps saying that to me, but I'm having a hard time believing it.

Why don't I fit anywhere? Or belong anywhere?

What is wrong with me?

"C–can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah."

I take a deep breath again. "I think – I think I need to talk to someone. To a therapist. Can – Will you help me find one?"

Kit stares at me for a long moment, and then she nods. "Yeah, I can help."

Chapter Twenty-Four: Fix You

"Savannah Martin?"

I'm sitting on another hard bench, toying anxiously with the hem of my shirt. Students pass by every so often, but it's late evening. Most classes are over for the day. I've been with Kit for… four days? Five? I don't even remember. They seem to bleed together in a parade of tears and self-doubt. I force myself to get up every day and go outside. To walk around and learn how to deal with life on my own.

I still feel like I'm drowning.

I'm not sleeping. I haven't eaten much. Jared haunts me. Every time I see someone that even vaguely resembles him, every part of me screams. And then I realize it's not him and the world crashes down around me again, shattering me apart all over again.

He hasn't called me. Hasn't come to see me.

It's my own fault, but I hate it. Hate how final this whole thing seems, as if it truly is over between us for good.

The stark hopelessness that thought leaves in its wake kills me.

Kit's busy cramming for finals. I think maybe she's avoiding me. I'm not good company. She hasn't mentioned Jared to me, but I know she's been back to the mansion. She goes every day to spend time with Maddi and Lexi. I think she'd drop her classes and go home if Lexi would let her.

If she's noticed the guards Chris and Jared have following her, she hasn't said anything to me about them. I've noticed them though. There are two of them. They could pass for college students, but they're a little too attentive – always in the same vicinity as she is, always scanning the area as if expecting someone to jump out and kidnap her.

There's one following me, too. He knows I've seen him. He just nods at me and keeps on though. I haven't bothered asking for him to stop. I don't think it'll make a difference if I do. And I'm too cowardly to call Jared and demand he call the guy off. That would require that I speak to him when I can't even think about him without pieces of me breaking apart.

"Miss Martin?"

I jump when a hand lands on my arm.

A woman stands in front of me, a concerned frown on her face. She's dressed comfortably, but her clothing is expensive, put together. She's pretty, with jet black hair and hazel eyes. Maybe forty or forty-five years old.

"Y–yes?"

"Are you Savannah Martin?" she asks.

I nod.

She holds her hand out to me. "I'm Gloria Stephens. I believe Katrina Talbot sent you to see me."

Oh.

"Um… yeah." I climb to my feet. My palms are suddenly sweating. I think I might pass out or throw up. I've never seen a therapist before. I mean, I've seen them as people, but not ever in a patient/therapist setting. I've never been the one on the couch….

I don't think I can do this.

She watches me for a moment and then offers me a warm smile. "Let's go to my office."

I stand there for a minute, fighting the urge to flee in the other direction.

I'm the master of my fate. I'm the master of my fate.

Funny how hard it is to believe that without Jared standing beside me.

Jared.

God, I miss him.

"Okay," I whisper when tears burn at my eyes again.

Gloria's office is nice. It's full of soothing colors and inspirational quotes. She doesn't have a couch. Instead, she's got two big, comfortable chairs situated on the far side of the office, as far from the massive desk as she can get them. Books line the walls, all kinds of books. It's… safe. Comfortable.

Gloria motions for me to have a seat, and then takes the one opposite me. She doesn't have a clipboard or a file folder or anything. It's just me and her and the kitten hanging on to a fraying rope on the poster on the wall across from me. I've seen it before.

"What brings you here, Savannah?" Gloria asks. Her tone is gentle, inquisitive.

"Um…." I stare at her for a minute, not sure where to start or even what brought me here. There have been so many individual moments that put me on this path. I can't pick a single one as the last straw. I think the last two years have been nothing but a parade of last straws.

I think she notices my panic because she smiles at me.

"Why don't you start at the beginning," she suggests. "Take all the time you need."

So I do. I start at the beginning.

"My mom abandoned me when I was fourteen," I whisper. I don't think I've ever said those words out loud before. They don't hurt as badly as I expected them, too. "She was there one day, and the next she was just… gone."

She wasn't necessarily a great mom even before then, but she was there. She fed me. Made sure I had clothes and a place to sleep. Convinced Matthew and Caitlyn to help pay for me to go to school with Lexi and Kit as part of her salary… Even now, I can't understand why she just left me and never came back.

How could she keep me for fourteen years and then just leave?

Why didn't she want me?

"Have you spoken with her since?" Gloria asks.

"She sent me a birthday card when I turned sixteen."

There was no return address. Was she scared Matthew and Caitlyn were going to hunt her down and force her to take me back? I've always wondered that. I even asked Caitlyn, but she promised me they had no interest in returning me to her if I didn't want to go. And then Caitlyn died in her sleep a week later.

If Matthew ever considered searching for my mom after that, he never told me. He just let me stay.

"And that was your last communication with her?"

"Yes."

"Katrina mentioned that you grew up with the Talbots?"

"I–yes. Her parents were my legal guardians. My dad died when I was a baby."

"And the Talbots are gone now, too."

I nod.

"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose so many people so young," Gloria says.

And it's the first time anyone has said that to me. As if I lost my parents when Lexi, and Kit, and Maddi did. As if… well, as if I really am part of the Talbot family.

I don't mean to, but I start to cry again.