All Falls Down (41 page)

"How do you like your new place?" Gloria asks the next evening.

I'm curled up in one of the two chairs in her office, toying with a little stress ball I picked up from the table. "It's nice," I say, bouncing the ball in the palm of my hand.

"Are you enjoying being on your own?"

I open my mouth to tell her yes, and then close it again. I shrug instead. It's quiet, a lot quieter than I expected after living in Kit's dorm for the last few weeks. I don't know anyone. I'm isolated. Lonely. I thought finding my own place would give me a sense of security, restore a little of my balance. But it hasn't. If anything, I'm lonelier now than I ever was at the mansion.

I think maybe that has more to do with the flowers Jared sent me than anything else.

Every time I see them, I ache.

They overwhelm my apartment, reminding me of exactly how much I've given up. The one person I want to share my life with isn't here. The one person I want to build memories with in my apartment hasn't stepped foot inside… he may never. All I have are the flowers he sent me, and the reminder that my apartment will never be home to me, that it can't. Because Jared is home to me, and he isn't here.

What's the point of having a place you belong when being there just makes you sad?

"Jared sent me flowers," I mumble when Gloria just looks at me, waiting for me to tell her what's on my mind.

"Oh," she says. "How do you feel about that?"

I shake my head, not sure I'm ready to answer that question just yet. "Is it normal to miss someone this much?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean–" What
do
I mean? "Every time I think about him, it hurts. He hasn't called me or tried to see me or anything since I left. I don't know what that means, but I miss him. And it's not getting any better. I thought finding my own place would help, but it's making me miss him even more. I think I'm broken."

Gloria smiles at me. "You're hardly broken."

"It feels like I am."

"You love him," she says as if that explains everything.

"I keep expecting him to show up." I've been waiting for weeks for him to appear, to fight for me, but he hasn't. He gave me back my ring, told me he loved me… and then nothing. I don't know what to make of that. I tell Gloria as much.

"Maybe he's waiting for the same thing," she suggests.

"Huh?"

"You left him, remember?" Her voice is gentle, non-accusatory. "He's sent you flowers. Maybe he's waiting for you to make the next move."

Is he?

I bit my lip, thinking about it, but I don't come to any decision.

"You should at least acknowledge you received the flowers," Gloria says.

And she's right. I know she is, but what am I supposed to say? So much has changed since I left. I'm on my own now. I'm seeing a therapist. I feel stronger. Braver. Like maybe I've finally started to take control of my life instead of letting it toss me around. But none of it seems to be enough.

I'm still lost.

Gloria lets me think it over for a minute before she changes the subject. "When do you start classes?"

"Next week."

"Are you excited?"

Yes. No. I don't know. I still think I might be a terrible student. But I'm ready to try again. And I feel powerful, like registering and buying my books has ripped more power away from Toby. But I'm also nervous. No one can blame him if I'm a terrible student or if I can't manage to get the hang of it. This time, if I quit or fail, it'll be on me. And I don't want to fail.

I
so
do not want to fail at this.

My finger hovers over Jared's name in my phone's address book. I've tapped on it twice already, and then quickly hit the end button before the phone dialed him. It's close to ten o'clock… he's probably in bed. I should wait and call him tomorrow.

Coward
, a little voice whispers.

"Shut up," I mumble.

I'm not a coward, I'm just… a coward.

I sigh.

Push the button.

My hand shakes when I put the phone to my ear.

I squeeze my eyes closed when it rings, and then rings again.

I'm on the verge of hanging up when someone picks up.

"Hello?"

"Maddi?"

"Savannah!" she cries into the phone.

"Hi, kiddo." I can't help but smile at the excitement in her tone. I haven't seen her in weeks, but she sounds like the old Madeline – the lively little girl she was before she got hurt. I've almost accepted that what happened to her wasn't my fault. Almost. I still feel awful though, because maybe things would have been different had Jared not been with me all day. Maybe he would have caught whoever is responsible for hurting her, and the girls would be safe now.

"When are you going to come and see me?" she demands.

"Soon," I say, not sure if I'm lying this time or not. I miss her so much.

"You always say that."

"I know. I've been busy."

"Do you like your apartment? Can I come and see it?"

"Sure, kiddo. Maybe Kit can bring you this weekend." I clear my throat. "Why are you up so late?"

"Chris is babysitting me tonight."

"Oh." I pause. "Is Jared around?"

"No. He forgot his phone though." She giggles. "I made Justin Bieber his background."

I smile. He's going to love that. I think he loathes the little toad more than I do.

Maddi keeps rambling, telling me about her day, the new purple cast on her arm, and the little baby hairs growing back where she had stitches. We talk for half an hour before I work up the nerve to mention Jared again.

"Can you have Jared call me when he gets home?"

"Okay, but I think him and Lexi going to spend the night somewhere and come home tomorrow. No one would tell me." She huffs. "I caught them kissing before they left though. It was so gross!"

My heart stops beating. For just a minute, everything stops. Time just stands still.

Jared kissed Lexi. They're spending the night together.

I'm too late. He's moved on already.

Images of the two of them flash through my mind, her wrapped in his arms like he used to hold me. Him smiling at her like he used to smile at me. Making love to her, making her come apart for him.

Oh, God.

The world resumes turning with a sickening lurch.

I think I'm going to throw up.

"Maddi, I gotta go," I manage to mumble.

"Okay, but com–"

I hit the end button and toss the phone onto the bed, jumping up.

I barely make it to the bathroom before my stomach heaves and I get violently ill.

Everything I ate comes up in a rush.

My ears pop.

My eyes water and burn.

When I stop throwing up, I sink down onto the floor, my cheek against the cold tiles.

I can't move.

I'm too late to fix things with him. He's moved on.

The thought breaks me in two.

Chapter Twenty-Five: Can't Do Better

The next several weeks pass in a blur. I get up, go to class, and then come home. I'm still going to see Gloria, but I haven't told her the truth. I'm avoiding Kit and Chris and Madeline. My voicemail is full of messages I haven't listened to, and I have so many ignored texts, I think they've given up on me. I tell them that I'm fine, that I'm busy with school, but I don't think they believe me.

Jared calls once, but I don’t answer for him either. He doesn't leave me a voicemail.

I'm drowning, and I don't want to reach out and grab on to a life preserver this time. I don't want to get better or move on or do anything. I just want to not think or do or say or be or anything. I'm wrecked inside and out. And this time, it really is my fault.

I pushed him away. I left.

So why am I so angry at him? At Lexi?

The way I feel about her actually frightens me. I've never wanted to hate anyone else so badly in my life. But I desperately want to hate her, and it makes me so mad that I can't. Part of me thinks she forced me to leave so she could make a play for Jared. Rationally, I know that's not how things happened, but it still feels that way to me. I've barely been gone six weeks, and they're already together.

"You did this to yourself," I mutter, shoving my arms through my backpack after class.

If my classmates notice me talking to myself, they don't say anything. They avoid me like I'm insane and my crazy might rub off on them if they come too close. That's fine with me. I don't want to befriend any of them. I just want to be left alone.

I push my way through the few of them milling around and head out the doors.

"She's such a freak," a girl mutters behind me.

I don't even bother turning around. I really don't care what she thinks.

Outside, I put my head down and walk towards my apartment. It's muggy out, hotter than usual for June in San Francisco. Or maybe I've just forgotten what June in San Francisco is really like. It's been two years since I last experienced it.

My apartment is only five minutes from campus, but I'm sweating by the time I make it there and drag myself up the steps. One of my neighbors waves at me. I incline my head in one of those barely-a-nod movements. She ducks back inside her apartment.

I grab the mail from my mailbox and let myself in before dropping my bag beside the door. I have homework, but I don't even want to deal with it right now. I think God is playing a cruel trick on me – we're reading Shakespeare's Sonnets. Because that's what all broken-hearted students want to deal with the second week of class.

There's an envelope with my name on it mixed in with junk mail. I don't know who it's from, but it didn't come through the postal service. There's no address, no stamp… nothing but my name printed across the front.

I consider dropping it in the trash, but open it instead.

A single piece of paper and a folded news clipping fall into my hand when I turn it upside down.

I frown, opening the piece of paper.

Thought you should know.

"Know what?" I mutter, dropping the note to the table. I unfold the news clipping.

Jared Corbit and Alexis Talbot, together with their families, are pleased to announce their engagement.

The breath is knocked out of me again. My knees give out. I land on the couch, knocking it backward a few inches. I can't take my eyes off the picture accompanying the announcement. Jared and Lexi smile at me from the black and white clipping, as perfect together as ever.

"No." I shake my head, trying to dislodge the article. I'm just seeing things.

But when I open my eyes again, the words haven't changed, and neither has that damn picture.

Lexi and Jared are engaged. They're getting married.

It all sounds so perfect. They're having an intimate engagement party at the Talbot estate in two days.

I'm so angry, I can't see straight.

How could they do this to me? How could
he
do this to me without even saying a word?

I wad the article up and throw it. It's too light and lands less than a foot in front of me.

For the first time in my life, I want to punch something. My whole body shakes with the force of the anger and betrayal running through me. I trusted them! And now they're getting married.

Did he even love me at all?

"Dammit!" I scream when tears start slipping down my face. I don't want to cry, but I do anyway. I cry until I think I'm going to die of dehydration if I cry anymore.