All Falls Down (36 page)

He starts to take a step toward me, but Chris puts his hand on his arm and shakes his head. Jared stops. He stares at me for a long moment, his expression shuttered, blank… and then he turns his head, breaking eye contact.

I stumble through the metal detector when the guard clears me, take the visitor's pass he gives me, and shove my stuff into my pockets again. I hesitate for a moment, not sure if I should go to Jared or just stay away. But their backs are turned toward me as they whisper back and forth….

I sink down into the first empty chair I find, crammed between a woman with a screaming infant, and a toddler in nothing but a diaper and a blanket, dozing on his dad's lap.
Spongebob Squarepants
plays on the televisions scattered around the room, but no one watches them. The show just adds more noise to the cacophony clashing all across the room. The little sponge's laugh grates on my nerves as the clock across the room ticks toward one a.m.

Closing my eyes, I pray. And I keep praying. On and on until the woman and the infant on my right are called to the back and someone sinks down into the chair beside me.

"Everything's going to be okay," Chris says.

He doesn’t sound like he believes that.

I don't either.

Kit reappears a little after three in the morning. Chris has given up trying to convince me that everything will be just fine. He paces across the emptying waiting room instead, back and forth. Demetri leans against the opposite wall, watching him. Jared is gone – in the back with Lexi and his father who works here, I think.

When Chris sees Kit, he stops pacing and hurries toward her. I clutch the arms of my chair, unsure if I'm allowed to ask how Maddi is or if I'm supposed to shut up and wait in hell silently. I'm terrified that she's seriously hurt and Kit and Lexi are going to hate me forever. That Jared will hate me for this.

"She has a concussion and a broken arm," Kit says in monotones, loud enough so I can hear. "They had to stitch a gash on the side of her head – twelve stitches. Your dad wants to keep her here for observation until tomorrow sometime, and then she'll get to go home."

My shoulders shake, though I don't cry. I'm not sure if I'm relieved she's okay or devastated that she really isn't. Twelve stitches. A broken arm.

"Thank god," Chris says, so loudly a little boy dozing across the room jumps.

His father shoots Chris a death glare. If Chris notices, he doesn't react.

"How the fuck did this happen?" he mutters to Kit, a bewildered expression on his face. "I checked the swing yesterday and it was fine."

"Stewart said it looks like someone sawed through the limb," she says, scrubbing a hand down her face. "Probably today while we were all gone."

Guilt burns through me again at the realization that someone did this today. That it really
is
my fault. Jared was with me when it happened. He's always with me.

Kit's eyes move in my direction and then away. And I remember the way she looked at me and Jared when they got home today, like she saw something on our faces. Maybe she didn't know the whole truth, but she suspected.

And now she knows that her baby sister is in the hospital because of me.

"When Mad got on the swing, the branch cracked and fell on her," she says.

"I should have been there."

I swallow hard, because Chris is right. He should have been there. And Jared should have been there, too. Instead, Chris was hiding out, pretending we were out bowling. And Jared was making love to me in a hotel, miles from home. Now Maddi's hurt, Kit knows the truth, and Lexi… I don't even know what's going through Lexi's mind right now.

They're all in hell because of me.

If you stay, you'll ruin their lives.

Toby's words slam into me, a wall of painful emotion shaking me to the core.

I want to scream that he's wrong… but he isn't.

Guilt and shame cut so deeply, I jump to my feet.

Kit and Chris both turn to me, but I can't say anything. I can't even face them. I put my head down and hurry toward the doors, desperate for fresh air. By the time I make it outside, tears pour down my face. I bite my lip hard to keep from sobbing out loud and stumble away from the entrance.

Rain pelts me, lashing like a whip.

I don't care though. I keep walking, stumbling away from guilt and shame that refuse to abate. A little voice in the back of my head screams that Toby was right all along. I don't fit here. I am ruining their lives. Maddi could have died because of me.

I was selfish, and this is the cost. Everyone I care about is hurting.

You'll ruin their lives.

You'll ruin their lives.

I don't even know where I end up. Eventually, I just stop walking and sit.

Rain soaks through my pants and drips from my hair. I don’t care.

I pull my legs up, lay my head against my knees, and cry.

Chapter Twenty-Two: All Falls Down

"Savannah!"

"Savannah!"

Rain pours from the sky as if God has opened the Heavens and released his fury on me. Thunder rumbles on the horizon. Lightning electrifies the air until it seems to crackle and snap against my skin. It feels like spiders crawling across every inch of me, their little legs dancing over the fine hairs on my arms.

I'm so cold I don't think I can move.

Where am I supposed to go anyway?

"Savannah!" someone calls again.

And then, "She's over here!"

I hear people running toward me. Hear them shouting – to me or to each other, I don't know. Someone sinks to their knees beside me.

"Savannah," Jared whispers. He reaches out for me, trying to pull me from the ground.

"Go away," I mumble. The words sound strange to me. I keep my head down, refusing to look at him. If I see him… I don't know what I'll do.

"She's freezing," he says to someone.

I try to fight him when he lifts me up, but I can't seem to make my arms move properly. He wraps his around me, using his body to shelter me from the storm.

"Is she okay?" Kit's here, leaning over us, her voice strained.

She's worried about the wrong person. Her little sister almost died because of me. I try to tell her I'm not worth the concern, but my teeth chatter so badly, the words don't come out. All that escapes my lips is a hysterical laugh. And I can't stop it. I try to force it back down, but it keeps coming.

"I think she's in shock," Jared says.

I'm not though. I'm in the ninth circle of hell –burning in the pit with Cain and Judas. The place reserved for people like me, the traitors and evildoers who throw their own kind to the wolves for their own selfish reasons.

How did I become this person?

How did Toby know I was this person?

"We need to get her warmed up," Kit says.

"I'll take her home." Jared rises easily to his feet with me in his arms.

"No, I will." Kit's tone brooks no arguments.

"I can take her," he argues anyway.

Kit sighs. "Lexi needs you here until Chris gets back, Jared."

Chris left?

I need Jared too… but this time, I don't say that. Because Kit's right. Lexi needs him to help keep her and Maddi safe until Maddi's discharged. I've caused enough damage for one day. And Jared is better off far away from me.

"Fuck," he mutters, and starts walking with me still in his arms.

I don't open my eyes. Not even when he settles me into Kit's car.

"Beautiful girl," he whispers, and he sounds broken. Like
I
broke him. His lips ghost across my forehead. "I love you."

Kit murmurs something to him, and then he snaps my seatbelt into place.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," he promises, though I don't know if he's talking to me or to Kit.

I don't think it really matters either way.

He shuts my door. Thunder cracks again, shaking the world.

And then Kit climbs into the driver's seat. The car rumbles to life. She curses when a blast of cold air hits us, and then shifts in her seat. The temperature changes as if she's turned the heat on high.

Only when she's pulled away do I open my eyes. The sky is lighter, though I don't know if that's because dawn is coming or because storm clouds have turned it an ominous, silvery blue color. I stare out the window at the rain falling in sheets before glancing at the clock. It's after five in the morning.

Within minutes, the car is toasty warm and my teeth stop chattering.

For a long time, Kit doesn't say anything.

So I do.

"I never meant for this to happen," I whisper. My throat hurts, but I force words out anyway. "I never meant to fall in love with him or distract him or any of it. I never meant for Maddi to get hurt."

"I know."

"Did he–" I take a breath, still staring out the window. I'm too cowardly to turn and face her. "Did he tell you everything?"

"No. Lexi did."

"Oh."

We slow at a red light. Thunder crashes overhead half a second before lightning cracks through the sky, turning it a frightening blue color. The roads are mostly vacant. No one wakes up at five in the morning on a Sunday unless they have to do so.

"Can I ask you something?" Kit says when the light turns green again.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say anything? This whole time, you knew the truth about Daddy and Lexi. You knew Jared works for the FBI. You knew everything, and you refused to tell me." She doesn't sound angry. She sounds… disappointed. I think I've hurt her feelings. "I had a right to know, Sav. You never should have kept something so important from me."

"Lexi didn't even want Jared to tell me the truth," I whisper. "I tried to convince him to tell you, but he didn't want to break his promise to her. She thought you guys were safer not knowing." I want to tell Kit that's the only reason I didn't tell her, but I'm no longer sure it is. "And I didn't want you to hate me when you found out… when you found out about me and Jared."

"I don't hate you, Savannah. You're practically a sister to me."

"I think I started falling in love with him before I knew the truth about him and Lexi," I blurt out, squeezing my eyes closed.

Kit doesn't say anything.

"I didn't mean to, but I did anyway. And I didn't want to stop. I didn't – I didn't want to lose him. He makes me feel so safe. I don't have to watch every word I say to him. I don't have to hate myself after we sleep together or apologize for disappointing him every second of the day. When I'm with him, I don't feel like a horrible person. But I think maybe I really am." The words threaten to choke me, but I say them anyway, refusing to be a coward this time. "What we're doing is wrong, it's dangerous. I know that. I've always known that. But I didn't want to stop. I still don't."

Everything is so confused, I don't know what to think or do or say. All I know is that I love him so much it scares me. So much I let myself become another Laney. Worse. Because I came up with a million reasons why I wasn't like her. But I am. Lexi is in love with Jared, too. Her sisters needed him to keep them safe, and I pulled him away. I put innocent people in harm's way, all because I love the girl I get to be when I'm with him.

"God, what's wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you, Savannah."

But there is, isn't there?

I've known that all along, too.

"I'm toxic," I whisper. The words hurt, but a sense of certainty runs through me when I say them, as if they're true. And I think maybe they are. Maybe that's why I keep screwing up my life over and over. Maybe that's why everyone abandons me or hurts me. Because I'm so screwed up, I poison everything, and they're too smart to stick around and let me do it to them, too.

"That's not true," Kit says, defeat in her voice. "Why can't you believe that?"

I want to believe her, but how can I when I don't think what she's saying is true?