Amelia's Story (Box Set the Complete Series Books 1 & 2) (12 page)

“Of course I am fine, that was the best thrill ever,” I replied. Then we all fell about laughing. That was a great day, and there were many great days, but there were many bad ones too.

There was a Jamaican girl called Julia Jones. She was tall, with a musky odor, and was downright horrible to everyone in her sphere. If you looked at her the wrong way she would thump you; if you brushed past her by accident she would thump you; if she was in a bad mood she would thump you - basically she was unpredictable and even the female staff were afraid of her.

At 15-years-old, Julia was unusually tall, very strong, and had an almighty bad temper. Julia was going through a phase of humiliating me at every opportunity; in short making my life hell. She would encourage other children to call me names and through fear of her they would do just as she wanted. It seemed for a while I could not go anywhere without her in my face. If I complained about her I was met with indifference, they were just not interested. However, if they did pay attention and have a word with her this only fuelled her anger and she made me more of a target. I had had enough but there was nothing I could do.

Near Death

One day I was walking past Julia and for no reason whatsoever she just laid into me, threatening to break my nose while giving me a good beating. No one did anything to help me. I even complained to my key-worker and he just advised me to keep out of her way. How do you keep out of the way of someone like that, and what was the point? It was impossible; when she was bored Julia would seek me out.

The bad times began to outweigh the good times again – becoming Julia’s next target took its toll on me. I felt so low, with nowhere to hide and nowhere to run. The day that Julia laid into me was the day I took an overdose of pills, which I spotted in the staff room when complaining earlier about Julia. I do not recall anything until I woke up in hospital sometime later.

Apparently, I had almost succeeded in taking my own life and woke up to be told that I had been unconscious for a while. My mother had been called to the hospital. Brent Shaughnessy from Bryn Tyn had heard about my overdose and made his way to the hospital to see me, against advice given to him by John Allen himself who had warned Brent to stay away.

Why he was advised against visiting me remains a mystery. He was a kind part-time member of staff at Bryn Tyn, the rest of the time he was a teacher for a school in
Chester.

As I lifted my head, unsure for a moment where I was, a nurse said, “Hello, Amelia.”

I said hello and asked her what had happened. I was reminded of what I had done; everyone was looking at me and I started sobbing as I started to remember just what I had attempted to do. The nurse proceeded to tell me that I had to be revived during the night and that I was a very lucky girl.

My throat hurt like hell and my tummy was aching. Brent was so concerned he sat by my side holding my hand asking me why I tried to overdose. I could not speak with anyone at that moment. My mother was standing nearby. She looked at me and smiled, “Well it’s great to see you’re okay, what was all the drama about?” she hissed.

I didn’t reply. I just looked away. My mother popped outside for a cigarette, while the doctor gave me the once over, and I was told I could be discharged later that day.

When I was left alone for just a moment, I could not stem the flow of tears falling down my face. I was so unhappy and could not believe I was still alive, the feeling I had was of desperation to leave this world. I was no longer feeling strong enough to cope with a further three years at Bryn Tyn; I could not see my way through any more days let alone years. I felt so hopeless, and now I had to deal with the fallout of what I had done. This was something I had not considered before as I had not intended on being around. I felt like a trapped bird with broken wings, no where to fly, no one to help me. I was imprisoned and lost in the state
-care-system. What was worse is that there was still a long way to go.

Following my discharge from hospital, I was immediately returned to Bryn Tyn. I said goodbye to my mother who caught the train back home. I sat quietly in the back of the car staring out of the window without a single thought in my head, just blank, totally blank. On arriving at Bryn Tyn I was escorted to the office and was met by my key worker who had the job of trying to get to the bottom of what I had done and why, but this day I was not one for talking at all. The one person I thought about was Brent and his lovely family. I asked if I could see him to say thank you for coming to see me at the hospital, but my request was denied and I was told that they had dispensed with his services.

I was utterly shocked and asked why this was; I was told it was in the interest of Bryn Tyn. This made no sense to me whatsoever. Brent was one of the nicer members of staff as he actually cared about the children. I had even spent the previous Christmas with him and his family, and it was a lovely traditional Christmas with turkey, presents, and the Wizard of Oz on the television. I remember Brent and his wife bought me a beautiful makeup set in a beautiful red and gold box, it was full of lipstick, blushers, eye shadows, and mascara; this was the best present I had had for many years. They treated me like a member of the family and I was very happy that Christmas. So why was he no longer working at Bryn Tyn? This I never did find out and it always remains a mystery.

The days following my discharge from the hospital were particularly difficult ones; I had been placed on suicide watch for a while. I had lost weight and was very sad. It was approaching Christmas time again and I had turned 13-years-old, a big age for a child entering the beginnings of their teenage years. Birthdays in care went by unnoticed for the most part; no big party, no presents, or balloons, and most certainly no cake, you were lucky if you got a card from someone. I was to stay at Bryn Tyn for the Christmas holidays again.

A Surprise Christmas

Just a couple of days before Christmas I was called into the staff room and told to sit down. Paul, my key-worker, asked whether, if possible, I would like to spend Christmas day with mother and Jake. Wow, the feeling I had when he uttered those words was one that I had not felt for some time. I had tears in my eyes and so many emotions built up inside me within seconds of him uttering Jake’s name. I was not expecting that at all
, I was trying to take in the question that had been put before me.

“Would Jake really be there?” I asked him. And he assured me that Jake would indeed be there.

Of course I jumped at the chance – it had been nearly two years since Jake had last been within sight. It was reiterated to me that the visit would be just the one day and I had to return to Bryn Tyn that same night – truth be told, I did not care if it was only one hour, as long as I was going to see Jake again.

On Christmas morning I was up at seven o'clock dressed and ready to go! My key-worker Paul was to drive me home that morning in the signature blue and white Bryn Tyn van. The journey would take approximately 1.15 hours. I can’t remember the last time I had felt this level of happiness. Paul told me that it had been decided following my overdose that going home for the day and seeing Jake would be good for me. I could not agree more. I could not believe I was going to see Jake again. I wondered at how he was coping, what was the children’s home he was in like? Had he made friends? Were they bullying him? I had so many questions buzzing around inside my head I thought it might explode there and then!

On arrival at mother’s house, I was both nervous and excited as I didn’t know what sort of reception I was going to receive. However, as it turned out my mother greeted me well and we all went inside. I immediately looked around for Jake, “Mum where’s Jake?” I asked. “Jake could not be here today Amelia,” she replied.

My whole insides felt like they were sinking. I was devastated.

“But why?” I begged.

“It was decided at the last minute it would be in both your interests.” There were those words again, "in our interest" I was tired of hearing those words over the years, and what did they know about our interest? Paul sat down and mother rallied round like the perfect mother, making tea, then out of the blue, she invited Paul to stay for dinner, it would be just the three of us.

I thought this was a bit strange but went along with it anyway. The day was to be not as bad as I had thought it might be. We had a traditional Christmas dinner, mother had a few presents under the tree for me, and there were also some presents under the tree for Jake too. My mother made an effort that day. She was pleasant and jovial. Paul and my mother got on extremely well and I noticed a spark between them which made me feel uncomfortable.

I asked mother about Kieran, and she told me they were separated now and that she had not seen him for a few weeks. She was making another one of her fresh starts. The day passed by smoothly without a bad word said between us, partly due to the fact that my mother was preoccupied with Paul; I was not in the least bit happy at this turn of events. I just hoped they were being friendly what with it being Christmas day. I buried myself in a book for most of the afternoon.

When it was time to go I said goodbye to my mother and climbed into the van. Paul stood for a while talking to my mother then followed me into the van. On the way back he was very chatty, asking me questions about my mother. It was clear to me she had charmed him. Following that day a brief affair developed between my mother and Paul, which was not good news as he had been good to me since my arrival at Bryn Tyn and was not someone who deserved to be drawn into mother’s world of deceit. As usual, their time together was not to be everlasting and when mother did not get her way, it turned rather nasty and once again I was used as a weapon in her quest to get him into trouble.

Following the end of their brief affair, which Paul had ended due to wanting to save his marriage, my mother decided she did not want him to be my key-worker anymore. So she embarked on a cruel mission set to almost ruin his career. She made a complaint to the head of Bryn Tyn Hall insisting that he be removed as my key-worker due to inappropriate statements apparently made by Paul to my mother, insinuating that he had an interest in me other than that of a key-worker.

She could not just walk away and accept that it was all over, she had to make my life harder and more difficult in the process. Paul was due to go off on long term leave anyway for a heart bypass in the near future, so they said that was why I was assigned a new key-worker going forward. I was devastated as I really liked Paul and he had been my key-worker for nearly two years.

I was assigned a female key-worker. Paul was off work for a long time - nearly six months - and on his return he was very different towards me. This brief affair between my mother and Paul did not make things any easier for me in care at all; the other members of staff were aware of this too and they had all stuck by Paul. Thankfully mother’s claims were not taken seriously but nevertheless had affected my friendship with Paul. Why did her mistakes have to affect me so much? This was always the case, why did she always use me as a battering ram for everything? This was something I had come to expect when things did not work out for her.

I was quiet for a long while and spent a lot of time in my room, writing poetry. I found solace in writing; I could put all my feelings down in a way that made sense to me. I loved writing so much and this was to be my way of escaping going forward. One thing I had promised myself, I will never be like my mother. I will never turn out like her and decided then that when I was in charge of my own destiny I would make something of my life. I will not become a statistic. These thoughts started to lift me out of myself slowly and I spent a lot of time reading and writing poems in my journal as a way to escape my miserable existence.

Once again, I started working hard to earn something called “Trust” an initiative set up by the staff for the best behaved and most helpful children. This would mean more pocket money and more privileges going forward. I desperately wanted to be moved to the Ainsley unit within Bryn Tyn; I would then have my own room and would no longer have to share a dormitory with lots of others. I would finally have the privacy I had begun to crave so much.

Eventually, I earned the “Trust” award and was very delighted. This meant I was able to walk outside of the grounds unattended to the shop in Llay village once a week if I wanted to. I was also moved to the Ainsley unit and given my own room. Earning the “Trust” also meant on Saturdays, when we were taken into Wrexham Town in the blue and white van to spend our pocket money, which we had earned from doing chores, I was able to wander around the shops with a friend without a member of staff for an hour or two.

Mary and Sue thought this was fantastic; for a couple of hours a week we felt like any normal teenager shopping around town. We would buy things to make our rooms look pretty - posters or plaques; we liked to buy make up from the chemist or pop into the local café and have a cup of tea.

I was 13 going on 14, and I was very interested in all things girly, clothes, make up, and I had developed a liking for shoes! I used to observe what all the other teenagers my age were wearing on a Saturday and longed to be able to dress like them, and look like them as to me they were all perfect. We had very few clothes in care that were kept in a small locker room, and they had to last a very long time. We were bought one pair of shoes per year and had a very small clothing allowance for the necessities. Thankfully, I had a few more than the others due to the hand-me-downs given to me by Yvonne, but there was nothing like picking your own clothes from a shop rail.

Theft was rife in care, if you had anything worth stealing it would be taken; none of us had too many belongings really. This was something we were all used to and all had in common. Once or twice a year a hairdresser was hired to come onto the premises and cut all our hair, we were allowed to choose our own haircut. Mine was always a classic bob; I liked my bob not to mention it was very easy to manage.

Some of the wilder children would have punk hairstyles and use their pocket money to buy crazy coloured hair dye, like bright pink or orange! Many of the children smoked too and this was also allowed once you hit 14-years-old, at this age you were officially allowed to smoke but you had to buy your own cigarettes out of the pocket money you earned from your chores each week.

I had a regular job cleaning the large games hall every night after it was closed for the day at 8:00
p.m. I would have to sweep the floor, take out the rubbish, and make sure it was tidy, oh and ensure the Space Invader machines were turned off! I did this from Monday to Friday and earned myself £5.00 per week; that was a huge amount of money to me and I could do an awful lot with it too.

For a while things were calm. I was more settled and more accepting of my fate. One day seemingly merged into the next for a while.

Then before I knew it my 14th birthday was upon me, another year another tick, just two more years to go then I am out of here, to where? Remains a mystery. This was a thought I often had during the time I was a ward-of-the-state, I knew I had to remain in their care until the age of 16. My mother was not allowed to have any of her children home before the ages of 18, when they were adults, and then it would be up to us what we wanted to do. This was not an issue with me as I knew I would never go home; I could not imagine a worse fate. I had dreams of going to night school, passing all my exams, and having a career. I never wanted to be poor again. I wanted to travel the world; one particular place at the top of my list was the Valley of the Kings.

I did not want my adult life to be steeped in poverty or misery. Securing my own home was at the top of my list. It became so important, as I wanted a place that I could call home, a place that was all mine, no one else’s. I wanted to make something of myself; I wanted to see the world outside of the grey walls I was living in. I wanted to fly on a huge plane, and see the world from high up in the sky – I had so many dreams, and my heart would skip a beat just thinking about them. I had just two more years to go, what would happen then was anyone’s guess.

Yet again my birthday slipped by unnoticed. I did not receive a card from my mother. My Social Worker had advised me that she was back with Kieran and her life was full of arguments, fights, and injunctions yet again. Christmas was a week away and I was to spend the whole of Christmas at Bryn Tyn. This year I was not too bothered as I had made a lot of good friends who were also in the same boat. The Bryn Tyn staff did their best to make Christmas day a bit more special for the few of us that remained behind. Cook had produced a great feast for lunch, we were all given a present, and we spent the afternoon watching videos of our choice - all in all it could have been a lot worse.

Life in Ainsley unit was easier and more independent. We were given more of a free rein; even relationships between the teenagers were not discouraged, and there were a few. They used to take off down the field together for some private time and anything else they could get away with. The Bryn Tyn fields were huge and if a couple wanted some privacy it wasn't hard to find in the vast grounds.

I was not interested in a boyfriend at all, although I had become rather close to one particular boy, Robbie, who was older than me. Very tall and very good looking, he always watched out for me and sought me out wherever I was. We used to play fight all the time, but he never tried to take it any further and cross that line, despite making it clear that he really liked me. I remember one day I was ill with a bad cold and stayed in bed all day. Robbie sneaked into the kitchen and made me chocolate spread sandwiches while the cook was on her break, and all day he popped in and out to check if I was okay. We were very close but never in a sexual way, although if I had given him any sign of being interested, I was sure he would have jumped at the opportunity!

There were often fights between the boys over the girls. If one boy liked a girl and another started flirting with them all hell would break loose, and a fight would take place. This was very common; the girls would stand back and watch while the staff on duty at the time would do their best to break up the fights.

The school was on the premises and consisted of 10 portakabins all clustered together at the back of the games room. From Monday to Friday we were all called for assembly at 9:00 A.M. which took place in the games room. Our names would be called out from a register and then we would each make our way to our designated classroom. Lessons were very easy and the tasks set out before us were quite simple, I thought. Our lessons consisted of basic teachings which would have been better suited for primary aged children, they were not challenging enough at all. However, at least it was better than nothing. All children left without any qualifications whatsoever; Bryn Tyn just did not have the means to cater for examinations or the preparation for them. All the teachers were part-time, some offered their time voluntarily, some were hired from local schools in the area to work part-time as and when they could.

A lot of the tougher kids from Brixton were very disruptive in class and made it very hard for any of us to read or write - the teachers could not control them at all and in most cases feared them. They would throw objects of any kind at anyone attempting to learn something. You just had to keep those children happy or they could make life very uncomfortable for you after school. After all, it wasn’t like we all went our separate ways to our nice families and nice homes after school; we all lived together 24 hours a day. If someone wanted to make your day a tough one, there was not always enough staff on duty to run to or to help you.