An Unyielding Desire (After The End Book 2) (27 page)

“Coop?”

The uncertainty in her tone finally broke through the temporary paralysis. He blinked and was shocked to find he was holding Mina underneath him, his fingers stroking her sex as he rocked his hips to rub his length against the outside of her mound. The hint of fear in her gaze tore into him. “Aw, shit, Mina.” He immediately removed his hand, though it was almost physically painful to stop touching her. “I’m so sorry.”

Moving cautiously, he leaned back, making sure he wasn’t inadvertently trapping her. She remained still, though he couldn’t tell if she was afraid to move or reluctant to end the moment. Hoping to reassure her, he caressed her cheek with the hand that hadn’t been between them. “I was dreaming about you.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “Sweet, sexy dreams. I didn’t mean to scare you, and I hope I didn’t hurt you.” With a groan, he threw himself back onto the bed beside her. “I only want to take care of you. I love you, Mina.”

For a second, her expression softened, before fear and dismay washed away any hint of tenderness. With a startled cry, she scooted backward until she could roll out of the bed.

Coop was a couple of steps behind her, holding out his hand. “Please wait. I won’t hurt you.”

She didn’t look back at him as she ran from the room. He paused to slip on pants, sticking his head out just in time to observe her pounding on Emme’s door seconds before her sister opened it. He saw the other woman’s expression of concern before she put her arm around Mina and pulled her inside. The door closed with a click, shutting him out—just as Mina had been doing for months.

Feeling irritated, though it wasn’t fair to her, he returned to her room long enough to get dressed and stomped down the stairs. It wasn’t until he was outside that Coop allowed himself to feel the predominant emotion blooming inside him. Guilt ate at him like acid. What the hell was wrong with him? He’d practically attacked her, and being mostly asleep was no excuse. Then he’d exacerbated the situation by trying to coax her to stay beside him, maybe even let their lovemaking continue, instead of moving away from her as he should have done the instant he’d realized their position.

He was a fucking idiot and had no right to be annoyed that she had fled from him in terror. Coop would never hurt her. He was sure Mina knew that too, when she was completely rational. However, waking up with a man shoving his hand down her pants had to have thrust her back into an unpleasant place mentally. No wonder she had freaked out and ran from him.

With a long sigh, he trudged away from the house to start on the day’s chores. Clinging to the hope that Mina would be amenable to a discussion with him once she calmed down, and that he hadn’t wrecked things beyond salvation with his dick move, he cursed himself quietly as he walked.
It was obvious he couldn’t safely sleep beside her, and he would have to make sure he stressed his comprehension of that when they talked. It was going to kill him to stay away from her at night, since that was the only time she ever marginally opened to him, but what choice did he have? He couldn’t risk hurting or scaring her again.

*****

Mina’s heart raced in her ears as she curled up on Emme’s bed, her sister’s arm around her shoulders. She squeezed her eyes closed, dashing at the tears spilling down her cheeks.

“What happened, Mina?”

“Coop…” She bit her lip, unable to proceed. How to explain it?

Emme sounded annoyed. “Did he hurt you? Was he trying to rush you?”

Mina hesitated. “Not exactly. I think he was asleep, at least for most of it.”

“Most of what?” She sounded suspicious.

“He kissed me and touched me.” Mina sighed softly, opening her eyes without looking over at Emme. “It was nice, even when he moved a little fast.”

“So, he scared you?” Emme sounded relieved.

Mina nodded, biting her lip again as she debated whether to explain just what had frightened her.

“Did you tell him to slow down?”

“He slowed himself down as soon as he woke up. He apologized, and then he said he loved me.” Her voice broke on the last words.

Emme hugged her. “That’s wonderful.”

Mina shook her head. “No, it isn’t.”

“But why?”

“It means he’ll expect things from me that I can’t give him.” Mina made herself look up when Emme tapped a finger on one of her hands in her lap.

“Not to be indelicate, but I thought you and Coop had already…?”

Her eyes widened, and she nodded. “Once.”

“If you tell him to take it slowly, you should be able to do it again. I doubt he’ll push you to do anything you aren’t ready for. Even if it’s months before you move to the next level, I can’t imagine he wouldn’t wait for you to be
prepared.”

Mina clenched her fists. “It’s not physical. I can do the physical stuff. I think. It’s emotional. He’s going to want all of me.”

Emme took one of her hands, smoothing out the harsh fist. “That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

“He’ll want everything. The truth about everything,” she mumbled. “I can’t do it. I can’t be with him.”

Emme frowned. “Honey, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t let go of someone who loves you. What happened to you was a tragedy, but you can’t let Shane keep controlling you.”

Mina shook her head. “You don’t understand.”

“Help me to. Please.”

Nausea churned in her stomach, and she pushed off the bed. “I can’t. I just can’t tell you…anyone…” She tuned out the sound of Emme calling her name as she stumbled back to her room, collapsing onto the bed into a small ball. Tears trickled from her eyes, but she uttered no sobs. Mina stared at the wall without seeing it, instead visualizing the look of disgust that would contort Coop’s features when she confessed the full truth. She just couldn’t do it.

Mina had never felt so hopeless, even at the lowest points with Shane controlling her. Her chest ached, but it was a pain of absence, as though a gaping hole had opened in the skin. Being alone was the only answer. She could never risk getting too close to someone again. She would have to distance herself from her family and friends, and especially Coop.

Who wanted to live like that?

As soon as the thought entered her brain, it resonated through her. It was as though the solution had been hovering at the edge of her brain forever, just waiting for her to acknowledge it. How could she not have really thought about it before now? Was she so weak that she had refused to even consider summoning the courage to perform the task?

Would it hurt? Of course, she decided, but what was a little more pain? It would be the last she would feel. She longed for the misty haze she had lived in, and this would give her that permanently. Coop could move on without guilt. In her heart, she was sure he was only beside her now because he was too decent of a man to abandon the train wreck she’d become. What man could really want the burdens with which she came? Her death would free him and everyone else. Lia would surely be relieved to know her secret had died with Mina—unless she realized Coop also knew.

It was strange to be so clearheaded and rational after weeks and months of internal strife and emotional agony. Resolute, she sat up, wiping at her cheeks as she considered the most efficient way to make it happen.

Pills were out. They didn’t have anything that she was sure would cause her to die. Emme had herbs that she swore would kill someone, but without the knowledge of which did what, she probably wouldn’t get far in her quest. Gunshots would be too loud and messy. Plus, she only had a shotgun, so how would she do that? Use her toe? Mina couldn’t imagine the logistics of it.

So, slashing her wrists or hanging herself. The hanging idea made her cringe, though she knew it would be bloodless. Still, the idea of doing something wrong and slowly suffocating instead of a quick, clean break made her shy away from that.

Remembering
one of Shane’s knives was still in the drawer of her nightstand, where he’d left it all those weeks ago, decided it for her. It was like fate. What better way to do the deed than use his knife? It was probably symbolic. Or maybe ironic. She didn’t know and wasn’t able to sort it out well enough to decide. It didn’t matter anyway.

Surprisingly calm, Mina went to the nightstand
to find the knife. It was heavy in her hands, a solid bit of reassurance that she couldn’t mess it up too badly. The sharp blade practically shouted that even she could do this right. She ran a finger down the edge, wincing when it broke her skin, though she didn’t actually feel the pain for a millisecond after, until the blood welled. Yeah, it seemed plenty sharp enough for the task.

She almost slashed her wrist right away, but held off. Whoever found her would be horrified, and she didn’t want anyone to have to clean up a huge mess. Setting aside the knife, she went to her closet to remove an extra blanket, spreading it over the top. It was thick enough to double as a shroud. As a secondary precaution, she fetched a couple of towels from the bathroom, doing her best to pack them around and under her wrists, to catch most of the blood.

She lay down on her side and brought the knife to her left wrist. Mina frowned, trying to remember anything she’d ever heard about committing suicide this way. She knew there was a right way, but didn’t remember if it was to slash vertically or horizontally. Emme would know, with her training in anatomy, but she couldn’t ask her.

Biting her lip, she took a guess. They always cut across in movies, right? She brought the tip of the blade to the side of her wrist, pressing in deeply enough to bring a rivulet of blood. It hurt, and she had to take a deep breath. “Don’t be weak,” she said aloud. With one quick, decisive flick, she cut through her wrist. Blood flowed into the towel, along with a bit onto the blanket, as she switched the knife to the other hand. Her fingers didn’t want to grasp the handle, and she wondered if she had done something wrong. She couldn’t maintain a good enough grasp to do more than slice feebly at her other wrist. It also bled, but not nearly as much.

Still, it would be enough, right? It might take her a little while to bleed to death, but she would. Tears burned behind her eyes as she cursed her weakness. If she had done this months ago, Shane never would have killed her mother. She had clung to hope, along with the girlish fantasy of somehow finding a way to be with Coop, and it had cost Janie her life. Her wrists stung, but it was the least she deserved for the pain she had caused.

*****

Coop was in the process of loading the wagon with hay for the morning feed when Hector came running up to him. The look of panic in the other man’s face had him freezing in the process, and it took his brain a moment to tell his body to put down the heavy bale of hay. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s your
chica
. She’s…it’s bad,
mi amigo
. Emme told me to tell you to run.”

Coop didn’t hesitate as he sprinted for the house.

“In her room,” shouted Hector after him.

His heart was pounding with dread and fear as he ran to the house, racing up the stairs so quickly that he was a bit surprised not to fall on his face. His mind insisted on playing all kinds of scenarios for him, but he was unprepared for the sight that greeted him when he rushed into her room.

Coop skidded to a halt, mouth gaping at Mina’s pale form on the bed. Bloody towels on the floor and a discarded Army knife on the nightstand told the story, but he still shook his head. “Is she dead?” The last word tried to stick in his throat.

Emme shook her head, unable to answer because of a pair of scissors in her mouth. It was only when she had finished winding a length of gauze around Mina’s wrist and cut it that she spoke. “No, but she lost a lot of blood. It could be a while before she wakes up. If…”

“What happened?” As he asked, his gaze returned to the bloody evidence on the floor.

“She tried to kill herself. Damn near succeeded,” said Emme, a hint of anger emphasizing her concern. “If I hadn’t come in to check on her, the outcome would have been different.”

Realizing he had almost lost her—might still lose her from the blood loss—robbed Coop of the ability to stand. He sank to the floor with a thud, not feeling the hard collision of his tailbone with the wood. “This is my fault.”

Emme shook her head. “No. This morning might have been the catalyst, but it’s been building for a long time.
Dana brought me a book about PTSD. I’m definitely no expert, but suicide is often one option sufferers pursue. It gives them a sense of control over the pain and the trauma. In a strange way, it might empower them, though they might end up feeling even more helpless if they fail. We’re going to have to watch her closely.”

“I scared her this morning so badly.” He barely heard
Emme’s explanation. “If I had followed her, made sure she understood I wouldn’t hurt her…”

Emme shook her head again. “No.” She sounded firm. “This isn’t your fault, Coop. It’s no one’s fault, really, except Shane
’s. And Mina’s.”

He scowled. “You’re going to blame her?”

Emme nodded abruptly. “Just a little bit. I know she’s hurting, and she’s been through something I’ll never understand, but if she had talked to someone, she wouldn’t have done this.”

“She was alone. Or thought she was.” Coop sighed. “I’ve seen PTSD too, Emme. Like you, I don’t know nearly enough, but one thing my buddies always said was they felt alone, like no one could understand their pain. O
ne of my friends told me he felt like an outsider after having to kill several people in combat. When he returned to civilian life, no one around him knew what it was like to live with that. He was sure people would turn from him if he talked about the things he’d done.”