An Unyielding Desire (After The End Book 2) (29 page)

*****

Coop set about afternoon chores, eventually finding himself in the orchard, though he didn’t realize why. He was almost shocked by the eruption of swear words that escaped his mouth. Even more shocking was the way his fist, seemingly of its own accord, raised and thrust against the tree in front of him as hard as it could. Chips of bark flew away from the point of impact, and blood blossomed on his knuckles, but it took a long second for him to recognize any pain. It was oddly distant, as though his nerve sensors were cushioned.

A shout left him, and he hoped he had come far enough from the others to avoid anyone witnessing his semi-breakdown. If Shane was in front of him right now, he’d pummel the last bit of life from that sadistic bastard with his own hands. Motherfucker. He voiced that word, along with several more, and hit the tree again.

For a brief time, Coop let the rage soar and take over, giving in to the need to curse and hit something. When he finally stopped, he placed his forehead against the ravaged tree, looking down with only a twinge of concern at the blood pouring from his torn knuckles, onto his pants, and then the snowy ground. The rational part of him knew he’d behaved like an out-of-control moron, and he’d left himself open to infection with his tantrum.

The angry beast inside him wanted to keep punching and yelling.

Fucking Shane had twisted Mina so badly he didn’t know if she’d ever be free of the trauma. Of all the horrible things that monster had done to her, convincing her she cared about him was the worst.

His breath hitched in his throat as he remembered her confessing to having said she loved Shane. Nausea rolled in his gut, and he barely choked back the urge to vomit. A shiver of revulsion wracked him. She hadn’t really meant it. She couldn’t have. There was no way any normal person could care about someone like Shane after everything he’d done. It had to be the PTSD talking.

Coop’s shoulders trembled as his mind insisted on conjuring a cozy image of the woman he loved beside Shane, lying beside him after sexual release and whispering words of love. Words she had never spoken to him, but she’d wasted on Shane. He could no longer suppress the urge to vomit, and it spewed from him in an acidic rush that left his throat as raw as his emotions.

What if she had meant it? He’d told her it was all right, that it had been a coping mechanism, and he’d meant that, but… The idea made his skin crawl, and he couldn’t deny a savage surge of jealousy lanced him.

It would have been so much easier if Mina had just hated Shane. Would he always be sharing her affections? Would Shane continue to be a haunting shadow that loomed over both of them? Would there be a tiny part of Mina that always wondered if she should have done something differently, if she should have been with Shane?

Coop shook his head, immediately rejecting that idea. Despite whatever Shane had done to her, and how he’d fucked up her head, Mina clearly hated him, even if she also loved him a little. The psycho had tormented her for months, hurt her, and eventually killed her mother in retaliation for Mina’s disobedience. If there had been anything she might second-guess, it would be if she could have done something to save her mother. He would have to enlist Emme’s help to make sure she didn’t dwell on such thoughts and sink deeper into depression when it was obvious she couldn’t have changed anything that had happened.

Several calming breaths helped him regain perspective, and he realized he’d meant what he’d said to Mina. He loved her enough to let go of the pain of hearing she’d cared for Shane and to try to build a future with her at her pace. It didn’t matter if she’d had feelings for Shane. The other man was gone now, having definitively screwed up his own chances of ever winning Mina by murdering
Janie. Shane was her past, but Coop was her future.

But if he ever saw the other man again, his knuckles would be in a similar state. Rather than chunks of bark left on the ground, it would be the remnants of Shane West’s corpse.

*****

Mina waited for Coop to come visit her, but he never arrived after dinner. She tried to suppress the dark thoughts eating at her. He hadn’t really meant it. After having some time to consider what she’d said, he had realized just how inappropriate her reactions to Shane had been. He’d decided she was crazy or masochistic, and he didn’t need that kind of burden. He was probably trying to think of a way to let her down easily without having her attempt suicide again.

Tears scorched her eyes, but she forced them back. The next time she saw Coop—and it seemed unlikely that he would be coming to her bed tonight as the daylight faded and full darkness took its place—she would have to reassure him that she could handle his rejection. It was what she had expected, after all. Then she’d have to make sure she wasn’t tempted to kill herself again, because she would never want him living with crippling guilt, thinking he had caused her to commit suicide.

The opening of her door interrupted her thoughts, and she had a difficult time hiding her disappointment when Emme came inside. “Hi.” She sounded listless even to herself.

Emme’s brow furrowed with concern, but she smiled. “Hey, sis. How are you feeling?”

“Better after some sleep.” Mina bit her lip. “How long will I have to be in bed?”

Her sister lifted a shoulder. “It depends. I don’t really know how much blood you lost, so it could be weeks before you feel full-strength again. You won’t have to stay in bed that long, but you’ll have to take it easy.”

A sharp l
augh escaped Mina. “I’m such a fragile, wilting flower. How the fuck have I managed to survive the end of the world for so long, Emme?” Tears flooded her eyes, underscoring her weakness, and she brushed at them impatiently. “If it weren’t for you guys, I’d have been dead long before now.”

“If it weren’t for Shane, you wouldn’t have been so fragile the past months, Mina. Don’t be so quick to dismiss your strength. You have been through hell. You’re still alive and sane.”

“With scars that will last forever.” She wasn’t referring to the slashes on her wrists. Mina sighed heavily. “How am I supposed to move on?”

“It’s trite, but I guess just take it a day at a time. Even a minute at a time, as needed. Take as long as you
require, sweetie. We’ll still be waiting.”

Emme meant well, but her words still made Mina flinch. She didn’t doubt her sister’s devotion and sincerity, but what about Coop? He’d said all the right things, but he wasn’t here now.

As though she’d read her thoughts, Emme said, “Coop wanted me to tell you he’s on patrol tonight, so he won’t be able to see you until tomorrow.”

Her heart lightened a bit at the news, and she managed a ghost of a smile. “Oh.”

“He’s crazy about you,” said Emme as she unwound the wrappings on her wrists to check the wounds before dabbing them with some kind of oil. “Don’t have any doubts about that.”

“I can’t help but have doubts. Only a saint could live with everything I’ve done.” Mina bit her lip, falling into silence.

Emme looked puzzled. “What is it you think you did?”

“I…” Summoning a deep breath, she gave her sister a briefer account of what she had admitted to Coop. She was unsurprised by
Emme’s visible anger. “Do you see why he has to hate me? He can’t really forgive that.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” said Emme crisply. “I don’t know that I really believe you cared so much as you were trying to protect yourself, but even if you did care for him a bit, Coop must view it as I do. That was between you and Shane.” She almost spat his name. “
He’s never coming back, and whatever you felt is dead now. You said it yourself that you could never care for him again after what he did to Mom.”

Mina nodded, feeling encouraged by her sister’s acceptance. It wasn’t as important to figure out
if Emme was completely sincere or just saying what she thought was best to keep Mina from flinging herself off the roof since she wasn’t planning to share an intimate life with her sister. She could more easily accept and embrace her absolution, especially knowing Emme had been the one who’d tried to save their mother, who had dealt with the blood and the wound up-close. If she could forgive Mina, then it seemed at least plausible that Coop could feel the same.

*****

Coop knocked on Emme’s door that evening, as she had requested. She waited with a pan of warm water, sprinkled with some kind of herbs. “Put your hands in there.” She was still making no effort to mask her disapproval, but her manner had softened. She had been aggrieved when he’d sought her out earlier to help him clean and dress the mess he’d made of his knuckles.

Coop plunged his fingers into the metal basin, hissing as the myriad cuts began to sting. “What is that? Acid?”

She snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. It will help reduce the risk of infection.” Emme’s expression softened. “I have a better idea now why you behaved that way.”

He arched a brow, still smarting from the burn of the water, but determined not to lift out his hands until she gave the go-ahead. “Yeah?”

“She told me.”

He didn’t need clarification to grasp who had told her what exactly. “Oh.”

“Tell me why you did it?” Her voice was calm, but there was a hint of threat beneath.

“I was angry as hell at Shane and…” He trailed off, hating to admit the truth, but feeling like he should be honest with her. “Mina. I was disgusted that she had cared for him.”

She slammed a bottle of something down on the table harder than necessary. “Maybe she didn’t really feel anything for him, but even if she did, do you think she wanted to? It was probably the only way she could make the situation tolerable—”

He held up a hand. “Whoa, hang on. I know that, Emme. I understand why she thought she felt that way, but it was still a shock. I had to process and move on. You know?”

“Put your hand back in the water,” she said after a moment. “And I get that. Have you?”

“I have.”

She pointed a pair of sharp scissors in his general direction. “You’d better make damned sure you have. Be sure you’ve sorted it all out and don’t care about that before you go back to her, Cooper. If you can’t deal with it, she needs to know now. You can’t lock it in and then one day spring it on her when your disgust and anger erupts. Be completely certain it isn’t an issue before you continue your relationship.”

Not for the first time, he found her a bit intimidating. “Yes, ma’am.” It wasn’t sarcasm. Rather, the words were a show of respect he had learned in the Army. “I’m certain I have dealt with my negative reactions. I don’t care if she loved Shane. It won’t matter, except I’m afraid it will keep her from loving me.” He hated the
weak admission, but it had hovered in the back of his mind for too long. “What if she can’t recover? Or if she does recover and realizes she doesn’t really want me either? I was just plan B, who made her feel safe?”

Emme eyed him without speaking for a long moment before taking one of his hands from the basin to wrap gently in a towel. “I don’t think you have to worry about that. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult to help her get past everything, but it seems clear that you two love each other, and you’ll end up together in the end.”

“I wish I could be certain.”

“There are few certainties in life, Coop. No promises. All you can do is hope and plan and grasp tightly to what you have. Cling so hard that bitch Fate won’t even think about trying to rip it away from you.” Her eyes had burned intensely for a moment, but with a blink, her expression softened, and her tone lightened. “And if that fails, you can always keep her in bed.”

He smiled in reply, but had already decided he wouldn’t be trying to get anywhere near her bed for a while, until he was absolutely certain she really wanted to make love. After yesterday morning, when he had almost made love to her before he was fully awake, he couldn’t risk being that close. The proximity was too tempting, and rushing her would do more harm than good. He could delay physical gratification until she was ready. It might kill him, and he was likely to develop calluses on both palms, but he could do it. There was no other choice.

Chapter Eighteen

She had lost him. Mina could tell. He was still sweet with her, his words tender and emotive, but he didn’t touch her. His hand might brush against hers, and he would usually press a kiss to her brow when he came to her room, and when he left, but that was it. For the past six days, he’d had some kind of excuse as to why he couldn’t stay for long, and he never came to her room anymore to hold her at night.

The nightmares were back and worse than ever. She didn’t know if she should be relieved that they had more often than not shifted to scenes of Coop rejecting her rather than Shane hurting her. The loss of Coop left her more emotionally ravaged and raw than the worst thing Shane had ever done to her.

Trying to tell herself it was for the best, she faked a smile and waved at the departing
Humvee containing Coop and the rest of the scavenging team. Part of her wanted to run screaming after the vehicle until he pulled over, so she could tell him she loved him, but understood he didn’t feel the same anymore. If she did that, she feared she would cling to him instead and beg him to at least pretend to love her. That would be too humiliating, even for the weakling she had become, so she forced herself to turn away and go back into the kitchen instead.