Ashes to Ashes (24 page)

“You don't?”

“No. I've missed you, too,” she admits. “Spring break wasn't the same without you and Reeve. Kat was so annoying. It's like, okay, we get it, you're a badass. You can stop walking around the boat in a wifebeater with a cigar hanging out of your mouth. But I did have fun with that girl Brianna.”

I wipe my eyes with the back of my arm, and Ash offers me
the corner of her comforter. “Kat's actually really cool when you get to know her,” I say. “The badass stuff is just a front.” And then I say, “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me and Reeve. I didn't want to keep it a secret from you. Things just got so complicated.”

Ashlin nods. “You want to get nachos at Greasy Spoon?” And just like that, our fight, and this conversation, is over. It's so her. And I'm grateful for that.

I
APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY
to shop class and set my sights on Reeve. He's off to the side of the room by himself, sitting on a stool in front of the table saw, his shoulders hunched, staring at a pile of sawdust on the floor near his feet. His project, a birdhouse, is only half completed. It's missing a roof and a perch.

“Reeve!”

Reeve slowly lifts his head and looks over at the shop teacher, Mr. Werther. Everyone else in class has finished with their birdhouses. The projects are in a line on Mr. Werther's desk, and he's
going through and assigning them each a grade.

“What?” Reeve says snottily, without looking up.

“You've got twenty more minutes before you get a zero.”

Reeve shakes his head and sneers, “Like I care about a fucking birdhouse,” barely under his breath. Then he turns on the saw blade by stepping on the floor pedal with his foot.

The students look at each other and murmur. Mr. Werther looks momentarily stunned that one of his students would be so rude. He shouts over the sudden burst of noise, “That's ten points off for operating the saw without your safety goggles.”

“Awesome,” Reeve deadpans.

He presses his foot down more on the saw pedal, and the blade whirls so fast, it turns into a silver blur and lifts up the hair away from his forehead.

I stroll over and lean in to Reeve's ear.

In a singsong voice I say, “You deserve everything that's happening to you, Reeve. Every single terrible thing.” I know he can hear me. “You are not a good person. And now nothing good will ever come to you. I will make sure of that.”

Reeve closes his eyes. He hears me. I know he does.

“You're a murderer.” I walk around the table so that I'm directly in front of the saw, lick my lips, and say, “You killed me. You've got blood on your hands.”

Reeve's eyes pop open. I can see the hair on his neck stand
up. I smile and say it a little louder. “That's why Lillia left you, Reeve. She saw the real you. She knows you're a monster. And she couldn't ever love someone like you.”

Reeve takes a deep breath, like he's trying to push my voice out of his head.

I skip around the room, all around the room. “Murderer. Murderer. Murderer.”

Reeve presses harder on the pedal, and the saw whirs louder. But not as loud as me. I keep skipping, keep taunting him. I can do it forever.

Reeve reaches over the top of the whirling saw blade to grab his piece of wood. His hands are shaking. He tries to line up a cut, but he can't concentrate. Not with me screaming. He squeezes his eyes shut.

And suddenly Mr. Werther comes running over. I try to stop him, but he pushes right through me, grabs Reeve by the back of the shirt, and pulls him away from the saw.

“What the hell are you doing?” Mr. Werther screams.

“I'm building my damn birdhouse!” Reeve shouts back, but he's clearly shaken. Reeve shrugs Mr. Werther off him. As he does, his arm flails and he hits one of the saws behind him. “Shit!” he shouts, and pulls the hand in close to himself. He's cut his finger, not too deep, but it lets out a slit of the darkest, deepest red. I swear I feel it. The warmth of his blood.

Mr. Werther has had enough. “Forget the birdhouse. You've got yourself a failing grade for not following safety protocol. You're practically falling asleep! Now get out of here and down to the nurse.”

Reeve picks up his birdhouse and bleeds all over the wood. On his way out of the shop class, he throws it into the trash can.

I can hear the other kids whispering as he stalks down the hall. I know Reeve can hear them too. He pushes through one of the metal doors and heads toward the parking lot.

“Are you going to cry?” I ask him. “Go ahead and cry, then. Cry your freaking eyes out. But it's not going to change anything.”

Reeve straightens up, and it's almost like he hears me. He goes over to his truck and gets in. But he doesn't turn the key in the ignition. He just sits there. Then he drops his head onto the steering wheel and cries, just like I told him to.

*  *  *

Later that night I'm there when Reeve falls asleep. As soon as he does, I'm in his dream.

It's always a surprise where I find myself when I land there. Sometimes it's a memory of Lillia, sometimes it's him and Alex in happier times. Tonight he's apologizing to Alex. The two guys are in Alex's pool house, playing video games. Reeve reaches for a soda and says, “I regret it, man. I really do. And
I know you've loved her forever. But I have too.”

Then he looks up and sees me there. He's scared.

“Please.”

I grab his hand, and we're at the top of the lighthouse. I'm not Mary. I'm Big Easy. And Reeve's a seventh grader. I'm perched on the cap, just a few feet above where Reeve is, on the catwalk surrounding the part of the tower that holds the bulb.

I bring him here, every night, and tell him there's nothing left to live for. That everything he loves is gone. I repeat it like a script, like a play I'm acting in.

Eventually he'll hear me. And then he'll do what's right, what he should have done the first time he came here. He'll jump.

T
HE SPORTS BANQUET WAS SUPPOSED
to be a night for all of us, but especially for Reeve. He was the star. Just like Rennie was.

I didn't think he'd show up. I thought for sure that he'd skip it. I hoped he would, because every time I see him, it hurts. But there he is, sitting at the end of the banquet table, wrinkled shirt untucked, sipping from a water bottle. Whatever's inside, I know it isn't water. Reeve is drunk. And I have this sinking feeling something bad is going to happen.

I'm at the other end of the banquet table, between Alex and
Ash. Alex and I are accidentally matching—I'm in a pale pink silk dress, and he's in a pink tie. When we saw each other, we laughed.

The girls on the junior squad present us senior girls with roses, per tradition. Coach Christy presents a plaque for Rennie, and all the girls on the squad cry. I do too.

Wiping tears from her eyes, Ash whispers to me, “I can't believe everything's about to be over.”

I whisper back, “Me either.”

“I just wish—”

I give her hand a squeeze across the table. “I know.” She doesn't have to say, because I'm wishing the same thing. That Rennie was here.

Some of the football players get up and make speeches, and everybody cheers. When they call out Reeve as MVP, he doesn't get up, and my stomach twists in a knot. He acts like he doesn't even hear. Derek has to pull him up and push him onstage. Oh, Reeve. I'm terrified that he's going to trip and fall up the steps, but he doesn't. He accepts the trophy, and as he walks away, he mutters, “This is bullshit,” which the mike picks up. Thank God his parents aren't here. I bet he didn't even tell them.

After the awards and speeches, everyone gets into the buffet line. As is the tradition, the PTA moms made lasagnas. Alex offers to get our lasagnas, but I tell him I'm not hungry. I go to
the drink table to get our drinks. I'm pouring two lemonades when I feel a tap on the shoulder. I turn and look, and it's Reeve.

“What up, girl.” His voice slurs on the word “girl.” “Aw, you and Lindy look so cute together tonight.” He waves a hand at my dress. “Did you guys color-coordinate so everyone would know you're a couple?”

“We're not a couple.” It comes out quick and defensive, but I can barely look him in the eyes. Not because it isn't true. It just hurts too much.

“Yeah, right.” He snatches one of my lemonades and takes a swig.

“Sorry, there's no alcohol in there,” I say.

He waggles his eyebrows at me. “You're feisty tonight. That's okay. I like you feisty.”

Taking a shaky breath, I say, “You're being really belligerent. If you're going to act like this, you shouldn't be here. You could get expelled!” I pour myself another lemonade and turn to make sure my parents aren't seeing this. Thankfully they are deep in conversation with Ash's mom.

Reeve reaches out and stops me. “So I'm a piece of shit and Lind is your knight in shining armor. That's already been established. And you know what, you can go off to Boston with the kid, you can wear his fucking varsity jacket, you can even marry him and have perfect mixed babies. But you're never gonna love
him.” His eyes bore into mine. “Not like you do me.”

My body goes hot and then cold, and then back to hot. I open my mouth, but I don't have any words.

And then Alex appears at my side, flanked by Derek and PJ. To the guys Alex says, “Get him out of here before the teachers see him.”

“You afraid that if you leave Cho alone with me for one second, she'll come running back to me?” Reeve throws his head back and laughs uproariously. “Alex, man, you gotta get some balls.”

“Let's bounce,” Derek says, trying to push Reeve toward the door. “The lasagna sucks.”

“Get off me,” Reeve says, shrugging Derek away. People are starting to look. Teachers. Parents.

Desperately I look at PJ and Derek and say, “Please, get him out of here, you guys.”

PJ throws his arm around Reeve and says, “Come on, man. Let's go outside for a second.”

They're forcing him out the door when Reeve twists around and calls out, “You know I'm right, Cho.”

I go sit back down at the table, and I don't look up when he calls my name again. People are looking at us, whispering, which I ignore. Alex sits down next to me, and I start cutting into my lasagna, but my hands are shaking so badly, I
can't cut through. I knew Reeve was going to be upset about the breakup, but this is so much worse than I ever could've imagined.

“Lil.”

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.” I want to run outside and go to Reeve, but I can't. Mary could be here; she could be watching. I have to play my part.

“Yeah, I'm worried about him too.” Alex sighs heavily. “He's had a shitty year, that's for damn sure.”

“I know.” Because of me.

I don't say the words out loud, but the guilt on my face must give me away, because Alex says, “Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. This is a long time coming. Reeve's got demons, Lil. You can't do anything for him. He's gotta face them himself.”

I
COME DOWNSTAIRS AND WHIP
Pat with my hoodie. He's on the couch in his boxers, eyes closed, sleeping while Dad watches some fishing show on the TV from his La-Z-Boy. “Where's my charger, scrub? My phone's dead.”

Pat rolls over and groans. “Kitchen table. Nobody's calling you anyway.”

I trade my dead phone for Pat's on the kitchen countertop. As I do, I spot an envelope from Oberlin tucked inside one of Pat's racing magazines. As soon as I see it, my heart explodes. I run back into the living room, screaming, “How long has this
been here?” It isn't a huge envelope, but it's not a small one either.

Pat shoots straight up. The left side of his mouth glistens with drool. “What? Kat, what?”

“Why didn't you tell me that I got a letter from Oberlin!” It's postmarked March 31, but it's practically the middle of April.

Pat rubs his eyes, hard. “What? I told you about that.”

“No, you didn't!” I scream.

Dad clicks up the volume. “Kat, relax. It's probably some dorm information.”

Whoops. I forgot all about the fact that I never told Pat or my dad that I haven't actually been accepted into Oberlin yet. “Never mind,” I say, and I go back to the kitchen and sit down at the table with the envelope.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to black everything out as I slide my finger along the envelope seal. But I don't see blackness. I see my mother.

Dear Katherine,

Oberlin is delighted to welcome you . . .

I'm in. I'm fucking in.

I walk back to the den to apologize to Pat. I was a bitch.
But he's back asleep, and Dad's nodding off himself.

This is how it'll be next year. The two of them here, without me.

I start to cry. I've spent years dreaming about getting off this island, but I don't know if I really understood what it will take to do it. What am I going to do without these guys?

*  *  *

I'm out walking Shep through the piney forest when I hear what sounds like loud music. I follow it and find Reeve's truck parked in a clearing. There's no road leading to this spot, just a dirt bike trail. He's shaking his head back and forth, windows rolled up, the music of his radio blasting. He tips a bottle to his lips.

Poor dude. Day drinking is not a good sign. Day drinking by yourself in the woods is a very, very bad sign.

I approach slowly. I don't want to give the kid a heart attack. I cut a diagonal through the woods so he can see me through his windshield.

And that's when I see Mary, sitting in the passenger seat next to him. Her head is turned, and she's watching him like she's a hungry lion and he's a bloody piece of meat.