Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) (10 page)

“You’re right. I did say that, but that was before I started to realize that I only knew a fraction of the truth. That was before I knew that people were using my memory loss for their own benefit.” Anger boiled inside of me, lacing my every word with venom.

“No, Luna. We have all been using your memory loss for
your
benefit. The sooner you realize that, the sooner everyone can finally move past this.” Jenna’s eyes were fiery as she spoke. “How do you think I felt watching you completely shut everyone out, completely disregard everything that you have ever stood for, and completely turn away from Oportet?” Was that moisture forming in her eyes? “It felt awful, Luna.”

I watched as raw emotion grew in her eyes, and I lost track of my anger for a moment. I was going to say something about how not having any recollection of last year was awful, and that she couldn’t possibly compare her pain to mine, but weren’t we both hurting?
 

I knew that Jenna was wrong, and I knew that she was misguided in her attempts to protect me, but I also knew that it wasn’t her fault. We were all raised the same in Oportet. There just came a time when we each had to choose whether we would listen to what we were told,
or to ourselves
. Everything I was remembering was pointing to the fact that I had chosen the latter. That was exactly what everyone was so afraid might happen again.

“I think you should go,” I said.
 

Jenna didn’t protest; she wanted to leave just as much as I wanted her gone. Her long, jet-black hair fell from behind her ears to shield her face.

“I really do want the best for you,” she said quietly. “I know that things aren’t perfect in Oportet, but it’s much better than what you would get Outside.” She gave me a pointed look.

I nodded without agreement. I was beginning to doubt that, possibly for the
second
time in my life.

~~~~~

It was a few hours after Jenna left when I heard the phone sound in the distance. I sped down the hallway and pulled it off the wall before the rest of my family heard the second ring.

“Hello?” I asked, letting out a breath when I heard the familiar voice on the other end.

“Luna,” Jasper said. “Meet me in the clearing as soon as you can, okay?”
 

“Okay.”

~~~~~

Jasper was waiting for me when I made it to the foliage-covered playground. The sun was almost down, and the beautiful colors of the sunset were just starting to fade into pale pastels.
 

Jasper was lying on his back, his eyes on the sky. When he heard me approach, he pulled himself up, giving me an expression I didn’t recognize. I walked hesitantly to him and sat across from him in the grass, pulling my knees to my chest.

“Tell me everything,” was all he said.

So I did. I told him all I knew about my head injury, the timespan that I was told I had lost forever, and the memories that I was slowly regaining. I watched the different emotions flicker across his features: surprise to pain to confusion and back again.

“All of what you told me is either extremely suspicious or completely impossible,” Jasper said when I was finished. “Actually, it sounds both.”
 

“I know.”

“So you just randomly start having visions whenever and wherever, and you’ve been getting them all in chronological order? That’s just insane.”
 

When I had finally said it aloud, it really did sound like a beautifully intricate lie.

“It’s killing me because I just want to see everything at once, but I have to wait hours or even days between memories. I’m very impatient.”

“I know you are,” Jasper murmured. “You haven’t even remembered the best things yet.”

“Like what?”

He smiled. “No, I shouldn’t ruin the story for you. The plot needs to develop before you get to the good stuff.”
 

I glared at him. Only Jasper could pull off a joke about something this serious. “This isn’t funny, Jasper.” I crossed my arms.

“No, it’s not.” His smile faded. “But it could be dangerous for you to remember too much too fast. Maybe it’s best to let these memories come back to you slowly. It would probably be a lot to process all at once. I mean, it sounds like you suffered quite the head injury.”

I thought about his words. “You’re probably right.” I sighed.

“Well, this really is a turn of events isn’t it? It makes me wonder…” Jasper trailed off, caught up in his thoughts.

“Wonder what?”
 

“Nothing. The sooner you remember everything, the better.”
 

I remembered what his mother, Lilly, had said about our relationship having a bad ending. It made me sad when I thought about what had possibly happened between us for Jasper to act so spiteful. “Why did you hate me before I told you all of this?” I asked.
 

Jasper looked up at me, his eyebrows drawn together. “It’s not possible for me to hate you. I was just hurt.”
 

I looked down at the ground, careful not to meet Jasper’s pained eyes. “Why?”

“I know it’s selfish, but I would rather not get into that now. This is the first time I’ve really talked to you in months.”
 

I sighed, but was grateful that we could skip the seriousness for once.
 

“As much as I’ve tried to deny it, the truth is that I’ve missed you,” he said.

“I think I’ve missed you too.” That was a lie. I
knew
that I had missed Jasper. I knew that I had missed him since the very first memory.

“So, um, am I stuck in the friend zone?” Jasper fiddled with pieces of grass, looking up at me and flashing me his trademark look of mischief. “I assume that it’s only common courtesy to wait until you remember all of the romantic stuff before I can make a move.” Jasper grinned and I froze, snapping my head up to look at him.

“So we were...” I had no idea how to finish that sentence.

“Together?” Jasper nodded. “That’s how the trouble always starts, isn’t it? Boy meets girl, boy and girl are not supposed to be together, and then they decide to be together anyway.”

“Like
Romeo and Juliet
,” I whispered, remembering Jasper referencing to the piece of literature in my memories.

“What was that?” Jasper asked, looking at me curiously.

“Nothing.” Desire was flooding through me. Of course we were together. It was how it was meant to be. Everything I had been feeling for him since I started getting my memories back pointed to this truth. I wasn’t feeling drawn to him because I needed answers. I was drawn to him because I needed
him
.
 

When I awoke in a hospital bed with no recollection of anything past junior year, I knew that something other than my memories was missing. Something powerful was taken from me, something that left me crying and laughing and screaming and fighting, and feeling
alive
.

I didn’t know how much I’d sleepwalked through life until Jasper opened my eyes. He woke me up. I didn’t need a memory to tell me what I already knew: I never stopped loving Jasper, even when I couldn’t remember his name.

I didn’t care about common courtesy; I just wanted Jasper to close the gap between us. I had no problem with a
second
first kiss if that was what it took.

“Come here, Luna,” Jasper said, like he wanted to get rid of the space as much as I did. He was looking at me so intensely that I wanted with all my heart to remember every word, every touch, and every bit of his heart that he had ever revealed to me.

I sat up onto my knees, my face inches from his. We were completely motionless for the longest time, like we were both wondering if this was the best idea, but it was far too late to decide against it.

I was already reaching my arms around his neck, and he had his hands on the sides of my face, holding it there in front of his. Jasper leaned in, pressing his lips to mine.

My first thought was how much the sensation made my body feel like it was on fire. Why didn’t the flames hurt me? Could Jasper see them? They were engulfing every part of me.

I pressed into Jasper, our lips completely in sync—like the act was the most natural thing in the world—like we had kissed a thousand times before. For all I knew, we had.

For the first time in weeks, my mind was completely quiet. Everything was at a standstill. It even seemed plausible that the Earth had stopped rotating around the sun, giving Jasper and me this moment all to ourselves. I thought that the world owed it to us; we had both lost so much.

We were gasping for breath when we finally pulled apart. I was in complete bliss until I saw the look in Jasper’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. How could
anything
be wrong? Hadn’t my memories been trying to tell me just how right this was?

Jasper took his hands off my face and pulled himself up, letting my arms drop back to my sides. He offered a hand to help me up, but I managed without it, irritated at him for ruining the moment.

“I need to take you home.” Jasper was running a hand through his dark hair, his eyes hardened and cold. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

“I don’t understand,” I said. Jasper was walking so quickly that I had to run just so I could place myself in front of him. He tried to dodge me, but I moved with him, blocking him until he talked to me. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
 

Jasper muttered something under his breath before meeting my eyes.

“I don’t want to be with you like this. It’s not right. You’re just going to remember why you wrote that letter, and this is all going to be over.”
 

I let Jasper push past me. The only light was coming from the moon above us, and I struggled to watch where I was going.

“Please explain the letter to me,” I begged. I assumed it was what I gave Jasper to end things between us. I needed to know exactly what I wrote.

“You told me how you really felt. You thought you were in love, but you really just wanted to rebel…against your parents or the Council…I don’t know. You said you weren’t going to leave with me because you realized it was a mistake.” So I didn’t just want to leave Oportet—I wanted to leave with Jasper.

“That’s ridiculous! That doesn’t even make any sense,” I said.
 

“That was my first thought too, but even if all that was completely made up, you still made it very clear that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You said that you were done making a point and just wanted to go back to the way things were before—before you met me.”

I shook my head. I would have thought those things in my memories if they were true.

“I didn’t write that letter. I know I didn’t.” I saw something dart across the ground in front of me and suppressed a girlish squeal. The huge coastal trees were looking more ominous than they had before.

“And how do you know that? You aren’t even close to remembering whether or not you wrote the damn thing.”
 

I recoiled against the harshness in his voice. “I just know, okay? I know because what I’ve been feeling for you both in the past and in the present is the most real thing I’ve ever felt.” Jasper kept moving forward, but he slowed his pace to a normal walking speed.
 

We were both silent as Jasper led me back to my house. I was glad he seemed to know where we were going because the trees, rocks, and fallen branches all looked the same to me.
 

We were standing in front of my house now, completely bathed in darkness. I was looking down at my feet, not able to look Jasper in the eyes. How could he think so little of me? I would never hurt him like that, and I would never make up such silly excuses.

“Let me know when you realize how much of an asshole you’re being,” I said. I didn’t wait for his reaction before storming away.

I slipped through the front door, careful not to make too much noise as I eased it shut behind me. I leaned my back against the wood, letting myself slip down to a sitting position. I buried my head between my knees, but miraculously suppressed all tears attempting to surface.

The house was dark, but I could see a streak of light coming from Megan’s bedroom. I hoped that no one had noticed my absence, or I would have to explain myself tomorrow.

I didn’t want to move. I wanted to sink into the floor. What if I did write that letter? What if I had a good reason to end things with Jasper, and I made up those excuses because I
wanted
to hurt him? I knew exactly how to cause him pain, and I could have taken advantage of that knowledge.

No. That was impossible. The sooner I remembered the real story, the sooner I could fix my relationship with Jasper. I just hoped that it was still recoverable.

I was happy. Things that normally paralyzed me with dread didn’t seem that bad anymore. School was the prime example of this—I could get through the day because I knew that Jasper would walk me home after school, like he had for the past two weeks.

“I don’t like this,” Jenna said when she caught me smiling at Jasper from across the math classroom.
 

“Like what?” I knew exactly what she didn’t like.

“Whatever’s happening between you and the Outsider.” Disgust coated her words. What had gotten into her? This wasn’t how best friends were supposed to act.

“He has a name,” I snapped.

“I don’t care.”
 

I shot her a glare.

“You don’t think he actually cares about you, do you?” Jenna shook her head, her apathetic smile raising the hairs on the back of my neck. She looked at Jasper, who was looking adorable concentrating on his math problems, with a kind of coldness in her eyes I had never seen before.

“What is your problem? You do realize that your grandparents came from the terrible Outside don’t you? We’re all Outsiders,” I retorted, getting Jenna to shut her mouth for the rest of class.

“Don’t come running to me when you get hurt,” Jenna said as the dismissal bell rang.