Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) (21 page)

“Luna, wait.”
 

I crossed my arms and faced him. My abrupt turn made him draw back. He met my glare with eyes drained by exhaustion.

“What?” In my head the word was sharper, stronger even, but the attempt was lost in Jasper’s deflated disposition. My anger began to crumble, and for a moment I lost track of what we were even fighting about.

“Any life with you is more than enough.”

“Luna?”
 

The memory faded, and I started to see the real world again, flinching at the sight of a hand waving violently in front of my face. Megan was staring at me with raised eyebrows, a slight smile forming at the sight of my deer-in-headlights expression.

Where am I?
I wondered.
 

I peered around, still lost in the past’s intoxicating abyss. I was in the living room, lying back in a recliner. I was losing the ability to distinguish between the past and present. I was living two different lives, and one was infinitely more appealing: the life that no longer existed.
 

The past did not matter. My memories were the equivalent of a hopeless daydream. Life was never anything but
present
. Yet, here I was, clinging to my memories as if they were all that defined me.

“Luna? Are you okay?” Megan asked. Her smile faltered as she watched me.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice came out raspy and rough.

“Where do you go, Luna?” Megan asked quietly, glancing behind her to make sure we were alone. “And when you go there, what do you see?”

I looked at my sister in shock.
How did she know?
 

I knew that I’d been zoning out a lot lately, fragments of memories coming to me at all times of the day. Almost anything triggered them now: a word, a thought, a voice, and sometimes even my own desires. I wondered how long it would be before someone would figure it out. How many memories would Tomlinson take away the second time? And would he take the pain away with them?

“You’re doing it again.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Just thinking about the future.”

“I have a different theory.”
 

My heart sped up. There was no way Megan could know—I’d been too careful.

“And what would that be?”

“You remember,” Megan said, her green eyes big and knowing.

I said nothing. I took a deep breath and nodded, the slight movement only visible if someone was looking for it. Megan smiled.

“I knew it,” Megan squealed.
 

She quieted herself when I shot her a glare.
 

“When you really believe in something, I can see it in your eyes. It’s like this silent gesture to coax the other person into believing right along with you. When you talked to me in my room, you didn’t have that look in your eyes. You didn’t believe a word you said. Then I started noticing that same dead look whenever you spoke to Mother about the future, or to Father about Oportet’s
perfect
rules. And when you weren’t lying to everyone, you were off in some other world. I remembered you asking about your memories a while ago, then never mentioning them again after I shut you down. Then it all made sense. You’ve been remembering things.”

“I think I’m close to the end,” I said, partially to myself.

“Wow. This is crazy,” Megan breathed. “The procedure was supposed to take it all away. For good.”

So the story of me falling down the porch steps
was
all a lie. It was some kind of medical procedure that robbed me of my past.

“This… procedure… I still don’t understand why Tomlinson did it. Why was I such a threat?”
 

Megan furrowed her brows, squinting at me like I was talking in gibberish. “What are you talking about? Is that what you think happened?”
 

Now it was my turn to be confused. Why did Megan feel the need to keep up the charade? Was Tomlinson’s threat really that frightening?

“Girls?” Father’s voice sent us both into an abrupt silence. “Can you two come into the dining room? We have some news about the Expansion Project.”
 

I was flustered that our conversation was cut short, but the Expansion Project was just interesting enough to hold my anger at bay.
 

Megan and I made our way to the dining room, surprised to find Mother visibly unnerved. She was leaning against the back of one of chairs, her arms crossed, and she was staring off into the distance.

We sat down, and I watched as Mother masked her emotions, cleared her throat, and straightened up in her chair.
 

“The expansion has already been taking place, and we didn’t even know it,” she said quietly. “The new outer wall was built in secret, and has been built for over a year. The final step is to simply take down the current wall, which is programmed to quite literally sink down into the ground on command.”

“Then they’ll have to uninstall the current electronic gate and reinstall it into the new wall,” Father added. “After the initial wall is taken down, the first shift of guards and technicians will move in to start the process of reinstalling the gate. There will always be a shift of guards at the entrance to protect us and to continue the completion of this instillation.”

“It will begin this Thursday,” Mother said.

“Wait,” I started. “I thought the whole point of the conference you just went to was to vote on and discuss the possibility of an expansion.”
 

Mother pursed her lips and shot a glance at Father.

“We do not question the authority of the Council. They know what is best for our society,” he said.

“But that isn’t fair! They went behind our backs,” I protested. I opened my mouth to say more, but I was shot down by a look from Father.

“Luna!” he snapped. “We do not question.”
 

I swallowed down my words, taking a deep breath.
 

“I am a part of the Defense Committee to oversee the installation of the gate on the new wall, so I will be working many late nights the next few weeks. Luna, I need you to accept some responsibility during this time by helping out your mother and taking care of Megan,” Father said.
 

I nodded.

“I’m thirteen years old,” Megan muttered. “I don’t need someone to take care of me.”

“What has gotten in to you two? If you don’t collect yourselves in the next few seconds, there
will
be consequences,” Mother said, exasperated. “We do not question authority. We do not correct authority. We listen and do what we are told. As soon as we forget these things, tragedy and chaos will present itself.”

Megan opened her mouth, and I rushed to stop her from making a mistake she would come to regret.

“Yes, ma’am,” I said, sending a look toward Megan.
 

She shut her mouth and trapped her words in. She did not yet understand that nothing she said could ever affect people who were so blindly attached to Oportet’s way of thinking. It was impossible.

“Megan, go get some studying done,” Mother commanded. Megan turned on her heel and walked out of the room.

Mother turned to me. “Something came up. I won’t be able to take you into work with me Monday, but Wednesday just opened up, so you can visit the Occupational Placement Office then.”
 

“Do you think Tomlinson would be available to meet with me?” I asked. My parents exchanged glances.

“Possibly,” Father said slowly. “For what purpose?”

“My future. I think I was a bit too hasty when I said I wanted to be a teacher. I’m still open to other options,” I lied.
 

Mother was eating up my words, teeming with excitement at what I was hinting. “I’m sure that can be arranged. You must have at least a handful of favors available from your service to Oportet,” she said.

“I look forward to speaking with him.”

“He’ll be home any minute now,” Lilly assured me. “You seem… stressed.” Was it that obvious? Second trimester’s finals were approaching, and teachers from my advanced classes were handing out essays and projects at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.

“I am.” I sighed, following her into the house.

“I could help you with that, if you wanted.”

“With the stress?” I asked, confused. She nodded. “Um, okay.”
 

Lilly smiled and led me into a room I had never been in before. It appeared to be a living room of sorts, but it was mostly empty. A potted plant sat next to the curtained windows, and the room itself radiated a relaxing energy. The walls were painted a soothing lavender color, and sunlight streamed through the curtains onto a lightly colored wooden floor. What appeared to be rolled up blankets sat in a corner.

“Grab a mat, dear,” Lilly said, gesturing to the corner. She sat down on the floor on a mat that was already unrolled. Her long dark hair was kept out of her face by her trademark flowery headband.

I did as I was told and grabbed a mat, setting it down a couple feet to the left of Lilly’s. I had no clue what was going on.

“Ready to de-stress?” Lilly asked.
 

I mimicked her crossed-legged position. “I think so,” I laughed uncomfortably.

“Trust me, you’ll love it.”

“What exactly is ‘it?’”
 

“Close your eyes,” she said.
 

I glanced at her self-consciously, only to find that Lilly already had her eyes shut tight. I closed my eyes and waited.
 

“Now,” she continued, “focus on taking deep breaths and clear your mind.”

“Impossible,” I muttered.

Lilly ignored me. “When a thought comes into your head, do not attempt to remove it. You need to focus on not creating new thoughts—and accepting the ones that pop up on their own. Do not dwell on them, and they will pass on. If it will help, you can also visualize a kind of filing cabinet within your mind. File away each of your worries into sections: family, school, and so on.”

I took a deep breath. I felt silly, but if Lilly’s peculiar de-stressing method really worked, then it wouldn’t hurt to give it my best shot.
 

I started with school. I went through all of the assignments and tests I was worried about, and then mentally tucked them away. I then focused on my worries about the future: Jasper and his role in it, my future occupation, and my violent opposition of the Council’s authoritarian rule. I got so caught up in my thoughts about the future that I completely forgot what I was doing.

I decided to move on, having filed away my stressors the best I could. I took in deep breaths, and tried to follow Lilly’s instructions. I let thoughts pass through my mind, trying my best not to dwell on them and create more. It proved to be a difficult task.

Then, it all fell away. My mind was quieter at that moment than it had ever been, and I was determined to stay in that state for as long as I could.
 

Suddenly all of my worries seemed utterly ridiculous. Worrying about my future was keeping me from fully enjoying my life in the present. This revelation started to expand within me, and I felt like I was truly onto something… then I heard a quiet burst of laughter.

My eyes flew open to see Jasper leaning against the doorframe with a crooked grin on his face.

Lilly and I spoke at the same time, me saying, “shut up, Jasper,” just as Lilly said, “Jasper, go away.”

Jasper somehow found this to make the situation even more amusing, and he laughed all the way into a different room.

“Sorry about my little ass of a son,” Lilly said, trying her hardest to hold back her own laughter.
 

I glanced over at her, and we both busted out laughing.
 

“How do you feel?”

“Better.” I glanced at the clock that I noticed before, and looked back at Lilly incredulously. “An entire hour?”

“Crazy, isn’t it?”

I stretched and returned my mat to the corner. “Thank you, Lilly.”

“Next time I’ll kick Jasper out of the house for the whole day.” She winked, smiling warmly at me.
 

She closed her eyes again, and I shut the door behind me quietly as I left.

“Have a good meditation session?” Jasper struggled to keep a straight face, his infuriating smile leaking through each time his mouth opened.

I picked up a pillow from the couch beside me and chucked it at his head, and he raised an arm to deflect it. I crossed my arms and glared at him.

“You know, hippies are supposed to be non-violent.”
 

I had no idea what a hippy was, but Jasper used it in a fairly derogatory manner, so I could only assume he was insulting me.

“You really are an ass.”
 

Jasper grinned and moved toward me, bending down to kiss my forehead. My glare broke, and I cursed myself for letting my lips form a small grin. He had ruined my moment with Lilly; he did not deserve to make me smile.

“I need to show you something,” Jasper said, taking my hand and leading me to the family room.

We sat down at the desk where his laptop sat, and I watched as Jasper slid a CD labeled “Jasper” into the slot. I glanced at his face, trying to read his expression. Was Jasper letting me listen to his music? He refused to meet my eyes as he navigated the computer screen.

“I thought I smashed them all after my dad died,” Jasper said in a flat tone. “She hid one from me.”

“Lilly?” I asked, receiving a nod from Jasper. I had no idea Jasper had tried to destroy his own music. “What made her decide to give it back to you?”

“She didn’t think I’d smash it. Not now.” Jasper finally looked at me. “She thought I might want to show it to you.”

“Do you sing?” I asked. I thought of all the bands Jasper had introduced me to from the Outside. The lyrics were the best part of the songs, words weaving together emotions and thoughts so deeply connected to the artist’s mind. How amazing it would be to take a peek into Jasper’s.