Bachelor Father (4 page)

Her cheeks turned pink and she concentrated on untaping Amanda’s disposable diaper. “I barely knew you then.”

“You barely know me now.”

She didn’t look at him. “That’s true, I guess.”

“So why not make a clean break before this gets any more complicated? It’s what you decided to do last summer, isn’t it?”

Her movements stilled. “I thought that’s what we both decided.”

“Yeah, I guess we did.” Wild horses wouldn’t drag the truth from him.

She glanced up, her hazel eyes troubled. “But now there’s Amanda.”

“Look, I’ll be glad to send you a check every month if that’s—”

“No. I don’t want money. I thought I made that clear.”

“Then what do you want?” He watched the confusion in her eyes and believed that she didn’t really know. “We can’t make this turn out like a storybook,” he said. “You can’t wave a magic wand and turn me into the daddy who goes off to the office with a briefcase every day and then comes home to play patty-cake with his daughter.”

“I know that.” She popped open a plastic container and ripped out a moist towelette with an angry motion.

“So given that I’m staying here and you’re going back to New York with Amanda, what kind of a real father could I be?”

“I don’t have all the answers, Zeke.”

“But you don’t want me to sign away my parental rights to this baby.”

She glanced up. “No, I don’t. But you still have that option. If you decide that’s the best thing for you, then by all means do it.”

“I do think it’s for the best,” he said quietly.

“All right.” She swallowed and leaned down to finish diapering Amanda. “Then I guess I’d better stop trying to change your mind.” She snapped the baby’s jumpsuit together again. “Hold her for a minute while I get organized to put her back in her seat.”

He took the baby from her, and Amanda’s tiny body felt a little less foreign to him this time. She stared up at him with the same concentration as before. Then she began waving her arms and kicking with her legs.

“Hold still now,” he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. He didn’t want her to start crying because he was too gruff with her.

She stopped wiggling and went back to her staring routine.

“That’s better.” He smiled in spite of himself. She was so serious-looking for such a little thing.

Then, to his total amazement, she smiled back.

Something stirred within him and his throat grew tight. He looked away from that endearing little smile and swallowed hard. “You about ready for her?” he asked.

“Yes.” Katherine leaned over and lifted Amanda from his arms.

* * *

K
ATHERINE
REMAINED
SILENT
as the truck rolled jerkily along the pavement, but the ride became more jolting when Zeke turned off on a dirt road. She kept glancing into the back seat, but Amanda slept through it all. As long as she was in motion, she was content.

But someday her needs would be much more than that, and Katherine wondered if she’d be enough parent for the little girl. So long as Zeke was a faint possibility on the horizon, she hadn’t really contemplated the job of raising Amanda alone, even if Naomi had thought that was the logical decision. Now that Zeke had completely rejected fatherhood, Katherine realized that she’d unconsciously counted on him to have some influence in Amanda’s life, no matter what she’d told Naomi.

Besides that, his rejection felt like a personal insult, both to her and her baby. She couldn’t imagine how someone could look at Amanda and choose never to see her again. From the tender way Zeke had made love that night a year ago, Katherine had thought he had a soft heart. Apparently she’d been wrong.

The truck approached a wooden bridge that spanned a rushing creek and Zeke put on the brakes. “Damn, but that water’s high.”

“Are you worried about the bridge holding?”

“Not going across this time, but if the rain keeps up... Well, we’ll just tell them to bring the biggest, baddest tow truck they have to get across the creek, that’s all.” He stepped on the gas and the truck limped across the bridge, the tires making a hollow sound on the boards.

Katherine turned to look back at the creek when they were on the other side. Brown water boiled only about a foot beneath the boards. The sight made her a little sick to her stomach as she remembered the helpless feeling of being tossed around in the rapids. Without Zeke she surely would have died that day. “Has the bridge ever washed out?”

“No, but I only built it two years ago, when I bought the property. I’ve never seen the creek running that high.” He glanced at her. “Hey, don’t worry. Forget I said anything. We’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure we will.” Katherine faced forward again as they entered a grove of aspens, their white trunks shiny with rain.

“There it is, through the trees on the right.”

She peered out her window and spotted the clearing between the glistening tree trunks. Behind the clearing rose a hillside covered with pine, and nestled against the hillside was the sweetest little log cabin she’d ever seen. It looked like something out of one of her history books in school, right down to the stone chimney and the small front porch. She almost expected to see a pioneer woman come out of the front door and wipe her hands on her apron as she waited for her visitors to arrive.

“It’s charming,” she said.

“Thank you.” He sounded pleased with her response. He pulled the truck up beside the cabin, shut off the motor and glanced at her. “We can at least have a cup of coffee while we wait for the tow truck.”

“Only if you have decaf. Everything I put in my stomach affects my breast milk, so I have to be careful.”

His gaze warmed for a brief moment before he broke eye contact and cleared his throat. “Sorry. No decaf. Come on. Let’s go in and make that call.”

She strapped Amanda back into the baby sling and grabbed the diaper bag while he unlocked the cabin and came back out with a yellow slicker to hold over the two of them. When he helped her down from the truck, she was glad there was a baby between them. Once his hand closed over hers, she had the craziest urge to move right into his arms. As it was, they were plastered together under the slicker as they dodged puddles on the way to the front porch.

“It’s really coming down,” he said, shaking out the slicker. “Go on in. After I call, I’ll see if I can’t find something you can drink.”

She stepped into the cabin and was greeted with the aroma of fresh-cut wood. The place looked as she had imagined—a single room with rustic furniture including a bed, a rocking chair, a table and two chairs. One corner contained a stove, sink and refrigerator. Another was partitioned off and was undoubtedly the bathroom. The room was neat but had no particular decorating touches, which didn’t surprise her, either. Even without curtains, a tablecloth or a vase of flowers on a windowsill, the effect was still cozy and welcoming.

Zeke came in and closed the door behind him.

“It’s very nice, Zeke.”

“Simple.” He walked over to the large window looking out on to the porch. The stationary center pane was flanked by two screened windows, which he’d left open, but now he closed them against the chill.

“Simplicity has elegance, too,” Katherine said.

His grin was wry. “I wasn’t going for elegance.” He crossed to the wall phone hanging behind the rocker. “Have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the kitchen chairs. “I’ll call the towing company and then see what I have in the cupboard.”

“I don’t really need anything,” Katherine said. It wasn’t quite true. Her stomach was grumbling because she’d been too nervous to eat lunch. But she didn’t want to bother him when she’d be back at the lodge in a couple of hours at the most. She’d eat then.

“Well, I’m going to have something.” He picked up the receiver and started to punch out a number. He paused and clicked the hang-up button a couple of times. Then he clicked it again. Finally he replaced the receiver and turned to her. “Maybe you’d better reconsider having something to eat.”

Anxiety added to the turmoil in her stomach. “What’s wrong?” But she knew exactly what was wrong.

“This storm must be worse than I thought. It’s knocked out the phone. Looks like we’ll be here awhile.”

CHAPTER FOUR

“H
OW
LONG
DO
YOU
THINK
the phone line will be out?” Katherine quickly calculated whether the baby’s needs could be met for the next few hours. She always packed more than enough diapers, and she’d brought an extra terry sleeper. Food was no problem.

Zeke sighed and walked over to peer out the window. “No telling where the lines are down. Out here the telephone can be out quite a while before anyone notices or reports it. It serves mostly vacation cabins, which aren’t used all the time.” He turned toward her with a worried frown. “I should have headed back to the lodge and said to hell with the wheel rim. I’m sorry, Katherine.”

“Don’t worry about it.” To her surprise, she wasn’t sorry at all. If he’d been able to call a tow truck they’d have parted within a couple of hours. Now they had more time. She wasn’t sure if that would change his mind about keeping some connection with Amanda, but it might.

“I could hike out to the road and try to catch a ride back to the lodge.”

“That seems completely unnecessary.” If he left, that would destroy any hope that he’d bond with Amanda.

“You’d be fine. You’d be safe here and there’s plenty of food.”

“I’d still rather you didn’t leave us alone.”

“You won’t get washed away, if that’s what you’re thinking. We’re much higher than the creek.”

She was unwilling to admit why she wanted him to stay, but she could offer him a reason he might accept, one that was also true. “I wasn’t thinking of water, but speaking of that, did I ever tell you how I fell in the river in the first place?”

“I don’t think we got around to that.”

Because we had other things on our minds.
She became aware that this one-room cabin put them in close proximity to a bed. Not that she would allow herself to get involved with him in that way again. They’d created enough problems for each other as it was. It was a beautiful bed made of peeled and sanded logs, a big bed, a soft-looking bed, a—”How did you fall in the river?” he prompted.

She blushed and turned her attention away from the bed. She hoped she didn’t have a telltale lustful expression on her face. “I was crossing the river on a log. A pretty fat log, too, so I shouldn’t have had any trouble making it. Then I heard a snuffling noise behind me, looked over my shoulder and saw a bear at the edge of the river.”

“What kind of bear?”

“A
big
bear.”

He smiled. “I meant the breed.”

“I didn’t stop to ask him his pedigree. I just started scrambling across that log like a squirrel with its tail on fire, only I’m not as sure-footed as a squirrel, and I fell in. As I headed downstream, I thought maybe it wasn’t such a bad escape method, but then I couldn’t stop myself and I kept going under, so I figured I’d probably drown. But at least that was better than being eaten by a bear.”

He chuckled. “Far better.”

“In my opinion.” She liked making him laugh. She’d forgotten that she had that power. He’d told her that not many people got him to relax enough to laugh.

“For the record, I doubt you had much to worry about from that bear,” he said. “He was probably after trout, not magazine editors.”

“Oh, yeah? Maybe it was a grizz.” She took her hands away from Amanda’s sling and lifted them menacingly, curling her fingers into claws.

“A
grizz?
” He grinned. “Are you trying to speak the lingo, New York lady?”

He’d teased her with that label last summer. As the night had progressed, he’d switched to calling her
his
New York lady. His use of the term now sent a shiver of reaction up her spine, but she tried to keep her tone light. “I’m trying to tell you that I’d rather not stay in this cabin alone with Amanda when it’s possible a bear could come along and bash down your cabin door.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Do you or do you not have bears around here?”

“All right, there is a black bear that hangs around this area.” He stroked his chin and his dark eyes sparkled. “And maybe she’s been up on the porch a couple of times, but—”

“On the
porch?
” Katherine hugged Amanda tighter. “That does it. You’re staying here with us until such time as we get escorted out of here by a burly guy driving a monster tow truck. Do I make myself clear, ranger man?” If he could toss out the nickname he’d given her that night, she could toss out his.

The laughter in his eyes faded, to be replaced with something more potent. “I don’t know how long we’ll be here.”

“I don’t care. I—”

“I do.”

She met his gaze. “You really want us out of your life, don’t you?” she said softly.

“Yes.”

* * *

Z
EKE
TURNED
AWAY
from the pain flickering in Katherine’s eyes. Sometimes the truth hurt, as he well knew. There was nothing more to say, so he’d better get some food on the table. Fortunately he’d done a little shopping the day before and had most of the basics.

He walked over to the kitchen cupboard and took down a can of tuna. “How about a tuna sandwich?”

“That’s fine.” Her voice held none of the playfulness from a moment ago, when she’d been describing her bear experience.

For a brief time during that conversation about the bear, he’d forgotten their situation and had found himself enjoying the Katherine he’d known a year ago, the one who had caused him to lower his defenses. He’d be wise not to lower them again.

“Can I help in any way?” she asked.

“I’ll take care of it.” He’d really done himself in this time, Zeke thought. Although he wasn’t planning to tell Katherine yet, there had been times when the phone had been out for several days. He wasn’t about to stay here with her for days, though. If necessary, he’d drive the truck the way it was. He’d rather have mega-repair bills than spend that amount of time here with Katherine and the baby. He didn’t want to get in any deeper than he already was.

He put on some coffee and started working on the sandwiches while Katherine talked to Amanda in that cozy way she had. When she crooned to the baby in such an intimate tone he felt closed out, which might be how she wanted him to feel after the way he’d come across about the parental rights thing. But he knew himself, and being a part-time father would tear him apart. It was a situation guaranteed to produce misunderstandings and potential rejection. He had a very low tolerance for rejection, but he wasn’t going to expose himself enough to explain that to her.

Rain pelted the window over the sink as he worked on lunch. He listened to it come down and thought about the creek bridge. Most likely the beaver dam upstream had given way, and if he wanted to get back across that bridge in the truck, he’d have to make his move soon. Obviously Katherine wasn’t going to let him go without her. He wasn’t crazy about the idea of leaving her, either, although he thought she’d be safe enough, especially if he showed her how to fire his gun to scare off Sadie if she showed up.

But he doubted she’d agree to that procedure, and there was no way he could force her to stay behind. He decided to wait an hour. If the phone wasn’t working by then, he’d suggest they drive the truck on the flat tire, get back on the main road and look for the nearest phone.

“Zeke?”

“Yeah?” He kept working on the sandwiches instead of turning around. The busier he kept himself, the better.

“I understand that you want to give up all your rights to Amanda and have no more contact with us, but I was wondering if...if you’d mind her knowing something about you.”

A warning flashed in his brain. “Such as?”

“Well, that you love the outdoors, and you’re part Sioux. Things like that.”

The concept of Amanda being curious about her father hadn’t even occurred to him. He’d been so focused on getting mother and baby out of his life that he’d forgotten Amanda wouldn’t always be a baby. And kids wanted to know about their parents. He still wondered about his father and had done some fruitless research trying to find out who he was and what had happened to him.

“I could disguise the information so she wouldn’t be able to track you down,” Katherine said, “if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He picked up the two sandwich plates and walked over to the table where she sat holding the baby. “Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.” He also wondered how a grown-up Amanda would take the news that he hadn’t wanted to have anything to do with her. Damn, but this was getting dicey.

“I think it would be better to give her some information rather than make you a big question mark,” Katherine said.

“Maybe.” He set down the sandwiches. “I made coffee, but I guess you can’t have that. I suppose beer’s out, too. I have orange juice and—”

“Actually, a beer would be fine. I have one once in a while when I’m afraid stress might have decreased my flow of milk.”

His glance went immediately to her full breasts underneath the gauzy material of her green blouse. Fortunately he had the presence of mind to quickly look up again. He couldn’t be caught staring at her. “I’ll get you a beer.” He walked over to the refrigerator and tried to ignore his memory’s instant replay of Katherine poised above him, her breasts quivering with each upward thrust he made.

By the time he returned to the table with a foaming glass of beer in one hand and his mug of coffee in the other, he’d calmed himself.

“Thank you.” She gave him a brief smile.

He realized that her smiles were in short supply this trip, too. He’d been proud of himself when he’d made her smile the first time after fishing her out of the river. She’d been so damned scared that she hadn’t been able to stop shaking. He’d asked her country-bumpkin questions about life in the big city until at long last he’d coaxed her into smiling a little. That was the first moment he’d realized that he wanted more than a smile from her.

He’d never in a million years have guessed that such a moment could lead him to this. Silently he gazed at Katherine as she sat across the table from him. She’d taken Amanda out of the sling, and now she tucked the baby in the crook of her arm as she sipped her beer. A bit of foam clung to her upper lip and she licked it away with her tongue. An arrow of desire shot straight to Zeke’s groin. He’d have to get her out of here soon.

He took a bracing drink of his coffee and realized how much he’d hate to give up coffee if he were in her shoes. A mother’s self-sacrificing behavior held a certain fascination for him, probably because he hadn’t experienced any from his own mother. At least none he knew of. At Lost Springs they’d tried to convince him that his mother had been self-sacrificing when she’d left him at the ranch. It hadn’t felt that way then, and it still didn’t.

“So what would you like me to tell Amanda about you?” Katherine asked.

He picked up his sandwich. “Persistent, aren’t we?”

“I figure I won’t get another shot at this.”

He paused, his sandwich halfway to his mouth. “Tell her I was a selfish son of a gun who wasn’t cut out to be a father.” He bit into the sandwich.

“I’d like to tell her that you saved my life.”

He glanced up.

“Without you I wouldn’t be here now,” she said quietly. “And neither would she. And I don’t want to deliberately lie to her. You’re not selfish.”

He chewed and swallowed. “Sure I am. If I weren’t, I’d want some sort of joint custody.”

She gazed at him. “I don’t believe that you’re denying yourself that out of selfishness. I think...” Her voice trailed off as her expression softened.

He didn’t want to ask what she was thinking when she looked like that. He’d seen that expression before, and he was no match for it. “You’d better eat that sandwich,” he said a little too gruffly. “Keep up your strength.”

Almost like an obedient child she picked up the sandwich, but having only the use of one hand, she fumbled with it. Some of the filling spilled out as she tried to maneuver it to her mouth.

She obviously needed some help so she could eat properly, but Zeke didn’t want to volunteer to hold Amanda. Funny things happened to his insides whenever he ended up touching that baby. “Would you like me to get her seat out of the truck?” he asked.

Katherine glanced outside where the rain cascaded off the front porch roof in a continuous waterfall. “No sense in going back out in that until it lets up. But I could put her on your bed, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“She won’t roll off?”

“She can’t roll yet.” Katherine pushed back her chair and stood, holding Amanda in both arms.

“Today might be her day to start.”

“Not likely. I’ll put her blanket and changing pad on your bedspread to protect it.”

“I’m not worried about that. I just think it’s dangerous to leave her there with no rails on the bed or anything.” Zeke surveyed his little cabin for a better solution. “Hang on a minute. I think I have just the thing.” He walked over to the fireplace and took the kindling out of an oval copper kettle he’d bought at a garage sale. He turned the kettle upside down and tapped it to get any scraps out, then crossed to the bed and took the spread off. Folding it, he tucked it into the kettle, letting the excess spill out and pad the sides.

Feeling proud of himself, he set it down next to the table. “How’s that?”

“That’s...” She looked at him and her eyes started to fill. She quickly averted her face.

He was crushed. “Okay. Stupid idea. Of course you don’t want to put her in an old kindling kettle. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He stooped down to pull the bedspread back out.

“No, stop!” She sniffed and wiped at her cheeks with her free hand. “It’s a perfect idea. I love it.”

He stared at her, completely at sea. “Then why are you crying?”

“Because...” She swallowed. “Because, when you put that bassinet together, it was almost as if...well, you were acting like a f-father. And I didn’t realize how m-much I wanted you to...oh, forget it.” She choked back a sob and crouched down to lay Amanda in the makeshift bed.

Zeke stood there, hands clenched at his sides as he fought the urge to take her in his arms and tell her he’d do whatever she needed him to. He wanted to promise that he’d do his best to shield her and the baby from whatever disasters came their way, that he’d be the anchor she so desperately seemed to want.