Back To Me (14 page)

              She shook her head before slowly rising from the chair. “I think I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. I’m not feeling well.”

              I nodded, unable to say anything of comfort to her. It broke my heart that she was crying. It really did, but at this point I had to stand by what I’d said. I really believed us keeping our distance was for the best, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

15

Heather

              I stomped and I paced. I cursed him silently, thinking of a hundred different ways to punish him. But who was I kidding? I was already punishing him just by being here. But did I ask him to come and get me?
No
. Did I ask him to bring me here?
No.
Did I want to stay where I’m not wanted?
Hell no
. And who did he think he was anyway?!
This is my house! My rules! Of all the gall!
I chuckled at the absurdity.

              My father left when I was six, and all my mother ever told me was that he chose his career over us. But I didn’t need a father figure then and I sure as hell didn’t need one now. Not at twenty-six. I was my own person. A woman. A woman who might not have had her life together, but it was still
my life.

              I huffed and puffed a while longer, stewing all the while.
Work for him? For
Billy
? There was no way. I’d end up pummeling him with a shovel meant for scooping up horse shit! It just wouldn’t work! As I was coming up with numerous reasons why this was all so ridiculous, a possibility came to mind and one that just might work to my advantage. Maybe this was
exactly
what needed to happen.
Yes!
I’d stay here, work for him, drive him bat-shit crazy, and he’d have no other choice but to let me go. I’d be rid of him and he’d be rid of me!
Perfect!

              Now that my plan was in the beginning stages of what was sure to be an award-winning performance, I decided to up the ante. I rifled through my clothes, my fingertips grazing the edge of a black, lacy tank.
Yes, this would do just nicely.
I rummaged through more items, tossing them over my shoulder, where they landed in a messy pile on the floor. I’d refold them later once the mission was complete and I was packing up for good.

              It was warm enough that I could get away with my carefully selected attire and not look ridiculous. Billy must not have paid as much attention as he thought when packing my clothes because I soon found my favorite denim cutoffs; and by cutoffs I mean so short that the front pockets hung below the frayed hemline.
Oh, these would do the trick for sure!
As much as I hated using my body for the sole purpose of getting my way, desperate times called for desperate measures. Maybe I was no better than the strippers at Tommy’s after all, but I had to get out of here and away from Billy. My heart couldn’t stand the turmoil of what it would go through day to day if I stayed.

              I pulled the shorts up, fastening the button. Turning to look in the full-length mirror hanging on the back of the door, I smiled with satisfaction. These would definitely put him over the edge. I rethought my tank and opted instead for a plain, white tee with a plunging neckline. I usually just slept in it, but for today it would be the icing on my well-made devious plan.

              I slid it over my head, pulling it down as low as it would go to show maximum cleavage.
There!
That’d show him. I put my game face on, making sure to not overdo it. Billy could read me like a book…better than anyone else. If I laid it on too thick, I wouldn’t be believable and he’d figure it out. I couldn’t let that happen.

              I tip-toed across the hallway and into the bathroom. A quick run-through of my hair, my fingers softening and mussing the natural curls, and a brushing of my teeth and I was ready. I didn’t put on any makeup. If I knew Billy, he liked natural and this was as natural as I could get.

              Taking several deep breaths, I gave myself a pep talk.
You can do this Heather! Pull your big girl panties up! It’s just Billy!

             
I found him in the kitchen, right where I’d left him earlier. His back was once again turned and he was staring out the window. I cleared my throat this time, so as not to startle him.

              “Um, I thought about what you said,” I mused. “I’m ready to take you up on that offer. Working for you, I mean, if it’s still good.”

              “Yeah,” he retorted. “It’s still good. Look, I didn’t mean to yell at you.” Billy hung his head and breathed a deep breath, letting it out loudly.

              “I just can’t stand the thought of Raul getting his hands on you. Anyone for that matter. And although being here is the safest place for you, I can’t guarantee that he won’t find you. He very well might. If I can’t lay eyes on you, if you’re out of my sight and something happens to you, I wouldn’t be able to take it.”

              He
did
care, even though he went out of his way to prove otherwise. He may not have loved me in a romantic way anymore, but he cared about my well-being, and I couldn’t be mad at him for that.

              “I understand, Billy, and I’ll try to be more careful. I swear I didn’t mean to worry you.”

              My devious plan to throw Billy off his game and make him send me away was no longer. It was replaced instead with an overwhelming need to connect with him. I simply needed him to hold me.

              Right on cue Billy turned and almost dropped to his knees. He stared at me, drinking in every inch; every curve I possessed called to him. I could see it in his eyes and in his body language. He wasn’t the only one that could read people. “You look beautiful, angel. Just like always.”

              I took a hesitant step towards him, and then another until our bodies were flush against the other. I looked up, peering at him through my lashes, now damp with my tears. “Can you please hold me?”

              Billy glared at me, his eyes zeroing in on mine, and then my lips. It took all the restraint I had not to push up on my toes and lock my mouth with his, but I wouldn’t go that far. I just wanted to
feel
him. To put my head on his chest and listen to his rapid heartbeat. I wanted to feel his large palms resting on the small of my back. I needed to feel his breath against my neck. He took a step closer, bending his knees just enough to look me in the eyes.

              “Anytime, angel. You never even have to ask.” He barely spoke, his voice cracking with an emotion I hadn’t seen in him in years.

              I leaned into him, nestling my face into his brawny chest. When his arms came around me, I’d never felt so safe in all my life, and I squeezed and pulled him into me. I didn’t complain that he was holding me too tight.
No, he wasn’t holding me tight enough.
Though I could barely catch my breath, I turned my head, lifted up on the balls of my feet, and buried my head in the crook of his neck. He smelled like
my Billy,
and I sighed quietly to myself, vowing to lock this moment in my heart forever; making it available for when I needed comfort in the future. Before I even knew what was happening, Billy stood tall, causing my feet to dangle in mid-air.

              “Wrap around me, angel.”

              I did as he asked, locking my ankles together around his waist. He walked slowly to the couch, setting us down in the same position so that I was straddling him. There was nothing sexual about it; just comfort, one person to another. This is the reunion I’d wished we’d had two days ago. This is what my dreams were made of and more.

              Billy adjusted his arms and leaned back slowly.

              “I’m so sorry for hurting you, angel. I’m sorry for the awful things I’ve said, and for the way I’ve treated you. You don’t deserve any of it and you sure as hell don’t deserve a crazy lunatic like Raul to be after you. It’s all on me. I know that, and that’s why I’m so angry. I don’t regret having loved you.
I can’t.
But I’ll always regret that it didn’t turn out another way.” He continued to stare into my eyes, waiting for my response.
I had nothing
. He’d said all the right things; everything I’d longed hear, but not under these circumstances. I wasn’t prepared.

              So instead I nodded my head, pathetically, and started to cry again. He once again pulled me to him, holding my head in his hand while the other was pressed firmly on my back. Billy rocked us back and forth until I was lulled to sleep. I don’t remember too much after that
except for two things
. One, I remember him lifting me into his arms and moving us down the hallway. I started to protest when I heard him kick his bedroom door shut, just before laying me on the bed. Wisely, I chose not to say a word. But I still wasn’t ready to have a conversation about what hung silently between us, so I pretended to be asleep.
I’m a coward remember
? The second thing I recall, and definitely the most important, was Billy sliding in behind me, pulling the covers over us and whispering in my ear, “I love you, angel.”

              Before long I heard his breathing even out and I knew he was asleep. I wanted so badly to roll over and just watch him. To study him after all these years and relearn all that I had forgotten. But I didn’t dare move. I didn’t want to chance him waking up and ruin the moment we were in now. I would remember this night for the rest of my life, and I would never,
ever
forget the most beautiful words uttered by another living soul. 
I love you, angel.

              I was about to drift off myself when I whispered back, “I love you, Billy. I never stopped.” He never moved, and he didn’t hear me, but that was okay. I didn’t want him to know. It would make my leaving again that much harder, and I couldn’t live with that.

              When I left
again
, and I knew I would, Billy would hate me forever. There’d be no coming back. Raul was a bad man, and I understood that his coming for me was nothing short of a ploy to get to Billy.
To trap him
. All the more reason for me not to be here. If I could lead Raul away, Billy would no longer be in danger. I’d have to take the few tender moments I could get now in order to live with what I was going to do later.

16

Billy

              I wanted to cry and wail, but somehow I managed to hold it together. I was a man and men don’t cry, or so they say. I call bullshit. Real men
do
cry and often, but that had been my problem all this time. I’d held it in for so long and now the dam threatened to burst.

              I stood there alone, kicking myself for how I’d treated Heather. She’d run away in fear because of my outburst. I was the
last person
she should be worried about.
I loved her
. My anger and rage was directed at myself and Raul. It was my job and my shortcomings as a man that had put her life in danger. It was my drinking problem threatening to be exposed to the one person I would have died to protect from it. If she’d been able to uncover that, she could very easily find out all my other transgressions, and that scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t ready to confess my many,
many
sins.

              I heard her small feet pad across the floor, but I didn’t turn to look at her. Instead I waited, saying only what needed to be said right now. When she agreed to stay here and drop the ridiculous notion of getting a job, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no idea how we were going to make it work, but I’d do everything in my power to make it as pleasant as possible.

              I faltered when I turned to look at her.
My God, she was incredible
. I’d always called her ‘
angel’
because to me she was. Even now, I knew she was the closest thing to Heaven I’d ever see.

              Asking me to hold her was a no-brainer. I was a red-blooded male after all, and I was in love with her. I always had been. None of the women who had been in my bed over the years had changed that relatively simple fact, and it never would. And if this was my chance, probably my
only
chance to hold her close, then that’s what I’d do. Before I could question my actions, I moved towards her, wrapping myself around her small frame. She felt so fragile, yet more amazing than anything I could’ve ever imagined.

              When I felt overwhelmed and on the verge of collapse from sheer joy, I picked her up, moving us to the couch. I’d expressed the most sincere words I could come up with. I’d done everything short of blurting out how I felt. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t tell her that I loved her, knowing at some point she’d run again.

              After a good cry, she fell asleep on my shoulder.
I had done this
. I had brought her to tears with my antics and screw-ups, and there was no way I was sending her away to suffer in the silence of her room,
alone
. Again, without overthinking my decision, I took us to the bedroom, shutting the door behind me. She roused slightly, but drifted off again as soon as I laid her down. I removed my t-shirt, sliding in behind her and resting my arm over her waist. She smelled amazing and it took a lot of restraint to not pursue what I desperately needed, and what I knew she didn’t want. I watched her; the rise and fall of her chest and the way her lashes fluttered slightly. I listened to the faint noise she made through her nose. I had missed these normal moments more than I cared to admit.

              Since she was asleep, I figured it was safe to disclose the one thing I had sworn to take to my grave. I rolled over closer, putting my mouth just above her ear and whispered, “I love you, angel.”

              It felt so good to finally admit aloud, and my heart raced with the thought of being able to say that to her every day. To be free of all of this shit and just let go. I pictured her here with me,
permanently
…. cooking in our kitchen and cuddling on the couch to watch a movie. I thought about finally putting a ring on her finger and watching her belly swell with our child. A lone tear slid over my cheek and I wiped it away quickly. One tear would lead to thousands and I was too exhausted for that. I had to stay strong to see us through what was ahead. I settled for wrapping around her tightly, and then getting the best sleep of my life.

              I woke with my arms and legs entangled around Heather. I didn’t know the time, but the sun had set and the sky was dark. My stomach was growling, signaling it was past time for dinner. I hesitantly rolled to my back, trying not to wake her. I wanted her to rest as long as possible. What I hadn’t planned on was her rolling along with me, coming to a stop when her head was laying on my chest with her leg curled up over mine. I took a deep breath and squeezed her tighter, wanting this moment to last forever. We were just as in sync now as we’d been all those years ago. Too bad she was sleeping so deeply and she was unaware. I raised my head and planted a gentle kiss on top of her sweet smelling hair, letting the comfort I felt in that moment travel throughout my body, settling all the way down to my toes. Pure contentment. Elation. Joy. Happiness. So many emotions ran through me, and normally I would ignore them, hoping they would go away. Not this time. This time I basked in them.
There was a good chance this would never happen again.

              I’d been telling her and myself that this couldn’t happen. However, now that it was, I realized just how stupid I’d been for pushing her away. Why shouldn’t we be together? What was wrong with loving her and reminding her that she loved me?
Raul.
Taking him out once and for all was the only solution. And I didn’t care if it messed with Tom’s plans or the case. If Raul stepped foot in Montana, he was a dead man!

              Heather started to move and when I peered down, the most beautiful pair of brown eyes were staring back at me. She jumped, startled at the position we were in. I chuckled when she abruptly sat up, pulling the sheet with her. She was fully clothed, albeit scantily, and nothing had happened.

              I knew why she was wearing the getup, too. She thought I wouldn’t notice, but I was onto her the minute I turned around. It wasn’t like her to dress so provocatively, though I was glad that for me she did. I’d take advantage of the view anytime.

              “What time is it?” she mused.

              “Don’t know, but we slept through breakfast and apparently lunch. It’s dark outside.” I yawned and ran my hand over my face, discreetly checking my breath.

              “You hungry?” she asked, looking away and scooting to the edge of the bed.

              “Yeah. I’ll go fix us something to eat.”

              She stood suddenly, stretching as the sheet fell to the floor.
Stunning.
“I got it. You stay here and rest.”

              I laid back down, folding my arms behind my head so I could get a better look. She faltered when she looked my way, momentarily stuck in a trance while she down right ogled me. I gave her a goofy smile as I wiggled my eyebrows up and down. When she noticed I was watching her, she threw a pillow at me and huffed, “
Ass
!”

              I laughed as she left the room, shaking her head. The door closed and I rolled back over, smelling the pillow she had slept on. I would
never
wash these sheets again. I got up and straightened the bed and the floor that was littered with my clothes. I took a quick shower and put on a pair of ratty blue jeans and a t-shirt.

              As I made my way through into the hallway, the smell coming from the kitchen was mouthwatering.

              “Something smells good,” I acknowledged.

              Heather turned to look at me, finally gracing me with a genuine smile. “Thanks. Just French toast, but it sounded good. I think we might need a few things from the store if I’m going to be sticking around.”

              “Okay, we’ll make a list after we eat. I’m starving!” I pulled out a kitchen chair and plopped myself down, ready to dig in.

              Heather continued cooking, seeming to distance herself from the moment. In fact, she was downright indifferent, and the more I studied her, the more it bothered me. Had I done something wrong again?

              “You alright?” I quizzed.

              “Yeah, I’m fine.” She still hadn’t turned to face me.

              “You sure? Cause you seem a little upset. Did I do something wrong?”

              Heather went completely still, choosing her words carefully.

              “No, you didn’t do anything wrong, Billy. It’s just that…..”

              I stood and walked to where she was standing, placing my chest against her back. I wasn’t going to let her escape and hide from me again.

              “What are we doing, Billy? I’m so confused.” She dropped the spoon, shook her head and relaxed into me.

              “We’re figuring all of this out, that’s what we’re doing. I don’t know that I can stay away from you.” I whispered the last part close to her ear, and I felt her shiver against me.

              “You have to stay away from me,” she argued. “It’s not safe for me to be here.”

             
What?!
Did she not think I could protect her? That I couldn’t keep her from harm? Hell, I’d done it for Lauren and I had an
even more
personal interest this time. I was prepared to give my life if it meant keeping Heather safe.

              I decided not to jump the gun this time and instead I waited for her to explain exactly what she meant. “Go on,” I urged.

              “Raul wants
you
, Billy, you said so yourself. I’m smart enough to know that, and I can’t let that happen.” I heard her sniffle and swallow hard.

              “So you thought you’d scare me away by wearing these ridiculous shorts?” I implored. “You thought you’d drive me crazy and I’d send you away?” I ran my hands up and down her arms, slowly.

              Heather nodded her head, ashamed. When she didn’t offer an explanation I continued.

              “Well you’re wrong. I love these inappropriately short shorts. They do drive me crazy, but in a good way. And if anything, they only make me want you more. They make me feel things,
intimate things
. They make me want to keep you here forever, in my house and in my
bed
.”

              When she still refused to look at me, I turned her around until we were facing one another. It was now or never. I placed my forehead on hers and as we breathed in each other’s air, I braced myself for the words I was so carelessly about to let escape my mouth.

              “Angel, I love you,” I whispered, closing my eyes briefly in prayer that I would say all the right things.

              “
I love you
. That hasn’t changed in all the years we’ve been apart, and it never will. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been with other women, but none of them have
ever
been you
. No one could ever take your place. You are embedded so deep in my heart and soul that you’ve become a part of me. I’ve tried for years to let you go, but I can’t. And now that you’re here, I don’t
want
to let you go. I want to love you the way you deserve. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night, and wake up with you every morning. I just want
you
.”

              I so desperately wanted her to return the same, so I waited with bated breaths while she processed my words. It seemed like hours before she responded. The wait was killing me.

              “Billy, I have to be honest with you, too.” Heather giggled nervously, breaking eye contact.

              I read her reaction for what it was. She was keeping something from me and that was causing her to react this way. When she wouldn’t look me in the eye, I knew there was more to the story. I felt a punch to the gut coming so I braced myself against the kitchen cabinet.

              “There are so many reasons you should run away from me, and Raul is just one of them. I’m not a saint either and there are things in my past that I never want you to know about. One thing in particular that’s really big, and if I ever tell you, you’ll hate me forever. I don’t think I can live with that and to be perfectly honest, Billy, I’m not sure you can either.”

              I could tell she was already planning to run.
That’s all this was
. She was looking for
any
excuse to go barreling out the door, but I wasn’t about to let it go down like that.

              “Your past doesn’t matter, Heather. Nothing that happened while we were apart is important. Right here, right
now,
” I gestured my hand between us, “this is all that matters. And as far as Raul goes? He’s just a minor inconvenience. Angel, it’s
me
he wants, but I’m not scared. I can handle him and whatever stunt he pulls.
I just need you
.”

              “What if this terrible thing that happened was when we were together?” she mused. “What if it’s when you were in the hospital?”

              She was nearing her breaking point and that’s not how I had planned for this to go. My declaration of love was supposed to lead to this passionate kiss, and then we’d end up in bed, making love until the morning. I had to try again, carefully.