Beautifully Broken (14 page)

“Burr, it is damn cold
outside.” I rubbed my biceps with my hands roughly to get the blood circulating
through my body.

“I know. When I ran out for
coffee this morning, I had to put on my winter jacket. Its bullshit!” Her laugh
filled the kitchen with warmth and a wide smile spread across my face. Yeah, I
was going to be okay.

The last couple of years
passed by in a blur. My days were filled with school, work, more school and oh
yeah, work. Due to the house selling so fast, I was able to move before Gray returned
home from the academy. He never once tried to reach out to me but him and
Hannah had kept in contact for some time. She knew my displeasure regarding her
and Gray, but in a way I was happy to at least have that one tie left to him.

A couple months after Hannah
and I moved closer to the University, a letter had shown up with none other
than Gray’s name in the return address. Apparently he was living in Boston now.
I didn’t have the courage to open it then and it remained unopened till this
very day. I used to wonder what the envelope contained, but I forced my feeble
heart to ignore the silent call from it. If Gray didn’t have the Gaul to say
whatever it was face to face, then I really had no words for him.

Hannah and I ended up finding
a quaint house on the edge of town, about six blocks from school. It was a
small cottage style house, with a vast expansive backyard. There was a large
L-shaped deck that jutted out from the front porch, wrapping half way around
the back. The backyard consisted of nothing but grass and extremely tall oak
trees, lining the property. I sold most of the contents of my parent’s home,
all except for what sat in my childhood bedroom.

About a year after we moved
Raylon came around, making his presence
well
known. I can’t say I was surprised. The
day they let me out of the hospital, he seemed to always find an excuse to come
by and see me. I put off any sort of a relationship with him as long as I
could. My heart couldn’t handle being responsible for someone else’s happiness,
along with my own nonexistent happiness.

“Hey Han have you seen my
new silk halter top?” I was too busy rummaging through my closet to hear her
answer. “WHAT?” Hannah did you hear me?” When I still didn’t hear a response, I
went searching for her skinny ass. As I turned the corner to head into the
kitchen I heard her yelling at someone on the phone. I quietly tried to
approach her, without interrupting her conversation but I couldn’t help but
over hear the desperation in her voice.

“Please just show up
tonight. NO damn it, you have to.” I accidentally bumped into a knife hanging
half way off the counter. The minute it clattered on the Spanish tile floor I
knew I was made. “I’ll call you back.”

“I’m sorry Han, I didn’t
mean to interrupt you. Where you talking to Theo?” Hannah started dating
Raylon’s good buddy Theo, after my trip to the hospital. He seemed like a
really decent guy, so I rarely gave her shit about him.

Her face screwed up in
disdain. “Um, no I wasn’t talking to Theo. What did you need?”

She was being super snippy
which was totally out of character for her. Hannah rarely, if ever, got bitchy
with me. “Ok, sorry I was just curious. Have you seen my new silk halter that I
bought last month? I can’t find it anywhere.”

Her back was turned to me,
as she started busying herself with dishes. There weren’t that many sitting in
the sink, so I knew something was bothering her. I touched her on the shoulder
and she jumped like I had just slapped her. “Hannah, are you okay?” My voice was
dripping with concern.

“Yeah I’m fine. Sorry. Your
halter top got ripped remember?” Her eyes were shooting daggers into mine.

“Oh yeah!” I barely
remembered but I agreed to appease her. “Okay sorry I bothered you. You and
Theo still coming out with us tonight?” We had had this night out planned for
almost a month now. One of Hannah’s favorite bands and mine was coming into
concert, and there was a huge after party at the bar where I worked at.

When I wasn’t burying myself
in my schoolwork, I was busy tending bar at a local place up the street. Hannah
and I had gone in to Johnny’s on 8th, around 8 months after school started. We hung
out there on a nightly basis. It was an old dive bar, just down the street from
school. It was clean and the staff was friendly, so we adopted it as our own.
One night the owner joked that seems how I was there so much that I should work
to pay my tab. I knew he wasn’t serious, but I filled out an application
anyway. I started the next night. I still ached for Gray every second of every
day. The pain never ceased and I knew I deserved what was happening between us.

Hannah and I started to
drift when I started working. I tried to make myself scarce most of the time,
giving her and Theo their space. I made sure to take on a full load at school
this semester and picked up every shift I could get at Johnny’s. I was making
decent money and Hannah had found a new close-knit group of friends to hang out
with, from school. I wasn’t all that happy with the fact that I was slowly
losing everyone who meant anything to me, but what could I do? I all but
practically pushed them out the forever open door.

“I think so, yeah. I’ll have
to call Theo and make sure. I’ll just go outside and call him really quick.”
She fled to the back porch faster than an attack dog.

I walked back into my
bedroom and plopped myself down on my bed. I opened the top drawer of my
nightstand to find my new lip-gloss, when I stumbled across ‘the letter.’ It
had been two years and eight months since I received the ominous envelope. I
pulled it from the drawer and took in its scent. I could still faintly smell
his cologne lingering on the paper. After being discharged from the hospital,
Hannah and I went straight to work on packing up my childhood home. Mrs. Weston
never came by after finding out what I had done, and couldn’t blame her. Not
only had I severed my relationship with my one true love, but I had also
severed my relationship with the only mother figure I had left.

I spent a good six months
mourning the loss of my child and even more time mourning the loss of Gray. He
never called after the first time we spoke, and I never did either. There were
plenty of times my fingers would skim across his phone number but I could never
bring myself to call. We never even got to have the ‘last talk.’ I still, till
this day felt like a piece of me was ripped from my soul.

I never tried to talk about
Gray with Hannah, and she never brought him up. Every now and then I would over
hear her talking to him. From what I could gather, they never talked about
anything serious. At least none, which I had overheard. From the short
conversations I was able to hear, I gathered that he had started seeing
someone. I wished all the happiness in the world for him and whomever he chose
to be with. He at the very least deserved to have that.

After his letter showed up,
I sunk back into a deep depression for what seemed like an eternity. In real
time it was only about three months. I started giving away shifts at the bar
and I quickly started getting behind in my classes. Only when Hannah
intervened, did I realize that I needed to get some help to cope with
all
of my loss. I found an amazingly supportive therapist, who helped me learn to
deal with all the emotions that I refused to recognize before.

Hannah and I became closer
than we had ever been, once I started my therapy. She was excited to see me
opening up more to her and finally letting her inside. I decided to take some
time off from the bar for a bit, once my therapist helped me realize that I
needed a better outlet for dealing with things. I didn’t have to work. My
parents had left me plenty of money to live off of and with the sale of the
house, I was all but set for quite some time. I liked working though; it gave
me a sense of worth and kept my mind from straying to thoughts of Gray and what
I had lost. It helped that I loved everyone I worked with at the bar. We were a
small little family and it was helpful to have. Truthfully, it was Johnny, my
boss, who convinced me that a vacation would do me wonders.

Three weeks later Hannah and
I were on our way to Italy. It had always been my dream to travel the Italian
countryside. I wanted to shop in Milan, explore the museums in Rome, take a
gondola ride through Venice, eat my way through Florence and visit every
vineyard possible along the way. We were gone for almost a month when we
decided to take a detour to Greece, before heading back home to our
responsibilities.

Our first couple of days we
spent lounging on the beautiful white sand beaches in Crete. We spent hours
looking out across the bluest ocean we had ever seen. The water was
unbelievably translucent and amazingly warm. We joked everyday that we should
just pick up and move there. We decided we would live on the beach, in a small
hut and sell pooka shells to the locals and tourists on the weekends. We
laughed more than either of us had laughed in what felt like forever. My mind
would always find its way to Gray though. When we would be shopping in the
small ornate towns that surrounded us, I could almost picture he and I hand in
hand. I knew I was getting better, but my heart still felt broken and I knew
that I would never again have the one thing that could stitch those pieces back
together.

We eventually found
ourselves in Athens, at a tiny hotel built into the side of a cliff. It was
breathtakingly beautiful. The architecture and texture to the building was
stunning. I had never experienced this type of beauty in my life. Being on our
own was enthralling. As our vacation/hiatus came to an end, we jumped at the
opportunity to head out and enjoy what little nightlife Greece had to offer. We
had overheard some other tourists talking about a midnight beach party, so
naturally we decided to check it out. It was our last night and we decided to
go all out.

The moon danced across the
glassy water while small ripples danced in synch along with the music, echoing
from the speakers. The water was still the brightest blue underneath the glow
of the moon. It was fascinating. Hannah had run off to the bar to grab us a
couple of drinks when I walked straight into him,
again.

We joked about how it felt
all too familiar to “bump” into each other after all this time. Raylon had been
a little too pushy for my taste, right after my surgery. I all but cut him off
completely, shortly after we moved. We were both surprised that it had taken
both of us going around the world to find one another. Hannah returned with our
drinks and we all had a good laugh at irony of the situation. Raylon and Theo,
his now roommate had decided to take a guy-cation. They had been in Greece for
a month and this was their last night as well. Hannah and Theo instantly took a
liking to each other, as did Raylon and I. Needless to say, we all flew back on
the same flight and spent the whole time swapping stories from our time over
seas.

When we got back to the
states Raylon and I had made plans to go out on an actual date. I hadn’t been
on a real date since Gray. I welcomed the feeling of having someone who wanted
to take me out. As much as I wanted to fight against it and hang on to Gray, I
needed
to feel wanted again. Theo and Hannah were automatically inseparable. I’m
almost positive he was at our house now, more than I was.

Raylon and I started hanging
out more often too. He had awakened something deep inside, something that had
been asleep for far too long. He was a gentleman through and through. He always
opened doors for me and never let me pay for anything. I didn’t like feeling
like I was being codependent, but I brushed it off to not being used to having
someone take care of
me.

A couple of months later I
was caught up in all of my classes and I was holding steady with a B average. I
decided it was time to start back at work and get back into the real world. I
went in and talked to Johnny about getting my job back. He was all too thrilled
to have me there. It took me a couple of nights to get back into the swing of
things, but I was settling back into my routine with ease.

My third week back at the
bar was a bit hectic. I had finals and was picking up some extra shifts to
start saving for a new car. I had the money to buy one, but I wanted to feel
the sense of accomplishment when I could purchase it on my own. I was getting
ready for work while Hannah, Theo and Raylon were all hanging out watching some
TV and drinking some beers. I heard Raylon calling my name at least three
times. I yelled back at him to give me a second, needing to finish getting
dressed. That was the first, but not the last time Raylon laid an aggressive
hand on me.