Beautifully Broken (23 page)

I pulled on my jacket and
huffed my way through the snow to the front porch. The wood was dilapidated and
the paint was chipping off the siding. I knocked lightly on the front door,
waiting for someone to answer. When no one came after a few minutes, I knocked
again. Finally the door creaked open enough for me to see his distressed face.
His brows pulled together in anger, as he looked me up and down.

“Did you come alone?” He
growled.

“Yeah I did. Can I come in?”

He opened the door enough
for me to enter, quickly shutting it behind me. “What do you want?”

I could hear the irritation
in his voice. I couldn’t help but think it was me who was causing him to be
this way. “Babe, are you okay?” I reached to touch him, but he shrugged away
from me and headed into the living room.

“Just go, Bennett.”

“Not until you talk to me.”
I was beginning to get mad at him for treating me like this. I know he was
hurting, but it wasn’t my fault, or his.

“You want me to talk to
you?” He was only inches from my face now. “Okay I’m talking. What would you
like me to say?” He turned throwing his hands up in exasperation. “It’s my
fault. This whole situation is my fault. I had every opportunity to fix things
with my mom, but I just had to be a stubborn asshole. I chose not to call her
back, every time she called reaching out for me. I blamed her for everything,
and I made sure she knew that. The last time we actually
talked,
I told her I wanted nothing to do with her, unless she could support my
decisions.”

I followed him over to the
couch and perched myself on the corner of the cushion. “Honestly, I blame
you
for
making me resent her. You pushed me away, and took away the only grandchild she
would ever meet.”

My mouth dropped open. I was
flabbergasted. How dare he blame their falling out on me. He took one look at
my frozen expression and continued on with his ranting and raving. “We were
fine until that happened. We used to talk everyday, she had even accepted me
becoming a cop, and how could you have done this? Look, you need to go. NOW!”
He turned his back to me, waiting for me to make the move.

I stood and started walking
towards the front door, but I had to get a few things off of my chest before I
left. “How dare you blame
me,
Gray? You and your mother had your own issues before,
‘that’ whole thing happened. I have put up with enough in my short years away
from you. I REFUSE to let you blame me and treat me this way.” My boots
squeaked on the tile as I headed out the door. “Oh, and your Aunt is at my
house, in case you were wondering. I know you’ve lost a tremendous amount in
your life Gray, but at some point you’re going to have to grow up and take some
responsibility.”

I was out of the door before
he could say another hurtful word.

When I woke the next
morning, I could feel the puffiness around my eyes before I even opened them.
After my “talk” with Gray, I drove home as fast as traffic would allow and
cried myself to sleep. He had said so many spiteful things to me. I understood
the hurt all too well, but not once after my parents died, did I ever once lash
out at him. I was finally realizing that
I
deserved better.

I glanced at the time on my
alarm clock, knowing that I needed to get showered. It was already 9:05 and the
funeral was set to start at 11:00. I took a quick shower, not bothering to even
shave my legs. I turned off the water and wrapped the oversized white, terry
cloth towel around my small frame. I quickly ran a comb through my hair and
brushed my teeth. I dried off and slid the black Chanel dress that Gray’s
mother had bought me, over my head. I zipped the side and slid on my black
pantyhose. I made sure to apply waterproof mascara and go light on the eye
shadow. I dried my hair straight and ran some Vaseline over the fly a ways,
before heading to the kitchen.

Hannah and Tina were already
dressed and ready to go. It was now 10:00 and I didn’t want to be late, so I
grabbed a cup of coffee to go. My gaze drifted over to Gray’s Aunt, noticing
she seemed in a pleasant mood, given the circumstances.

“Good morning Tina, Hannah.”
I let a smile spread across my face before indulging in my mouth watering
coffee.

“Good morning, Dear. Did you
go see Gray last night?” I could hear concern etched in her words.

I nodded my head, wanting to
forget about last night all together. “You ladies ready to go?” With a nod from
both of them, we made our way to the car, grabbing our jackets on the way out.
The actual funeral was to be held at the funeral home and then a burial in the
cemetery following. The drive seemed to take a lifetime, even though the
funeral home was only twenty minutes from my house. I drove mechanically,
running on reserve adrenaline from the night before.

There weren’t very many
people at the funeral home when we arrived. It was only 10:30, but I guess I
assumed people would arrive early to pay their respects. We hung our coats in
the foyer of the home and made our way into the small room where they held
funerals. The cherry oak coffin sat at the back of the room, near the end of
the walkway. Oak pews lined both sides of the aisle, as we made our way to our
seats. Yellow roses and white calla lilies decorated the coffin and floors next
to it. I wondered if Mrs. Weston would approve. As if hearing my thoughts, Tina
nodded in approval. I smiled and we made our way to the front row.

People slowly trickled in,
paying their respects to Mrs. Weston, and offering Tina their condolences. Gray
still had not shown up and I was starting to worry that he wouldn’t show at
all. I turned back towards the door at least a million times, willing him to
walk in. I checked the time on my phone and hung my head, when I saw that it
was 11:05. Tina gave me a questioning look and I just shrugged my shoulders. I
had tried calling Gray, but there was no answer. When I turned around one last
time, I saw him stumbling in. I quickly jumped up wanting to run to him, but
his Aunt caught me by the wrist.

“Just give him time, dear.”
I nodded in agreement and sat back down on the uncomfortable wood bench.

I watched as all, six feet
four inches of him lost his balance. I took in his appearance and silently
cursed at myself for not going over this morning to help him get dressed. He
cautiously approached his Aunt, giving a chaste kiss on her cheek. She patted
his hand and walked with him up to the coffin. His hair was all disheveled,
sticking out in every direction. He had deep purple circles below his eyes and
his tie hung undone around his neck. He sat on the opposite side of his aunt
from me. It was killing me, not being able to comfort him. I could feel him
slipping through my fingers, and it hurt more than ever.

The small ceremony went by
rather quickly, and before I knew it we were headed to the cemetery. Tina rode
with Hannah and myself, while Gray caught a ride with one of his cousins on his
dad’s side.

We had gotten lucky. The
snow from the night before had melted some and the sun was warmer than usual. I
walked hand in hand with Hannah as we made our way up the small grassy hill.
Everybody was handed a yellow rose, as they gathered around the deep hole in
the ground. Gray’s mother lay in her coffin two feet to the right of the hole
on a steel stand. I held back the tears that threatened to break free, as
thoughts of my parents circled my mind. I glanced in the direction of their
headstone, silently saying my hellos.

The priest said a few words
and read Gray’s mother’s favorite poem as they lowered her into the ground.
When he finished, he motioned for Gray to toss the first handful of dirt. Gray
wobbled his way over to the hole. He tossed a handful of dirt and his yellow
rose, before turning to leave.

I quickly stepped in front
of him, needing him to acknowledge me. I had to show him that I was here to
support him, regardless of his mean words. I could smell the alcohol the second
he was in front of me. I wanted to yell and scream at him for being so damn
irresponsible, but I didn’t have it in me. He was already hurting so much as it
was. I pressed the palm of my hand to his cheek. He leaned in to it briefly
before smacking it away. It felt as though he had just smacked me across the
face. My heart shattered and I wondered if we would ever get back to where we
were, just a few short days ago.

He stumbled down the hill a
few steps when I noticed a tall lean figure, leaning against a tree nearby. My
stomach plummeted and I couldn’t catch my breath. Why was he here? I looked
over my shoulder to find Hannah. When I couldn’t see her, I all but ran over to
Raylon. “Why the Hell are you here?” I whispered.

His arms reached for mine as
he spoke, “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Liar!

“Raylon, you need to leave
and stay the Hell away from me. I swear next time I
will
press
charges. You have no right to be here, GO!”

I saw the reaction on
Raylon’s face, before I ever saw Gray. He lunged at Raylon and they fell to the
ground. Snow clung to every inch of their clothing as they rolled around the
massive cemetery. Gray pinned Raylon down and got right into his face, “get the
fuck out of here and stay the fuck away from her. I will kill you if I ever see
you again. Do you understand me?” Raylon bucked Gray off of his chest and
sauntered off towards his car.

I didn’t try to reach for
Gray this time I let him go. After I regained my composure, Tina, Hannah and
myself drove back to my house. Hannah and I had decided it would be best to
have everyone over to our house and not Gray’s. I wasn’t sure he would show,
but I was pleasantly surprised when he did. It was a small gesture, but a gesture
nonetheless. He made his way straight to the fridge, grabbed the six-pack of
beer he had left here, and headed out to the backyard.

I gave him a few minutes
before I decided to head out to meet him. He didn’t turn when he heard the
sliding glass door slide back into place, he knew it was me. I kept a safe
distance, not wanting him to walk away from me again. I sat next to him on the
steps and grabbed a beer from the cardboard holder. I took a long pull from the
bottle and set it in between the two of us.

I opened my mouth to speak,
but he beat me to it. “Why the fuck was
he
at my mother’s burial?

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

“The fuck you don’t! You
going back for more?” he spat.

My eyes went wide and my jaw
went slack. “Fuck you, Gray Elliot Weston. You don’t deserve me. I don’t care
if this is your mother’s wake, get the FUCK out of my house!” I heard the
sliding glass door squeak open, when my voice got louder.

“With pleasure.” He grabbed
the rest of the beer and walked around the side of the house.

My head fell into my hands,
but I refused to cry. Hannah’s warm gently hands were wrapping around my
shoulders, leading me back inside. He had lost
everything;
not giving a
shit that he was losing me too
.

Theo and Tina kept everybody
busy, keeping the attention off of what had just happened. Hannah helped me to
my room a little while later and I sunk into the depths of my mattress. I just
wanted this all to be over with.

Gray’s Aunt headed back to
New York a week later. We had spent the rest of her time here comforting one
another, and spending quality time together. It was wonderful to get to know
part of Gray’s family. She tried to reassure me that Gray would get through
this and come looking for me. She had heard stories about our friendship over
the years, and was elated that we had finally taken the next step. I wish I
could have shared in that joy, but our future was looking rather bleak as of
late.

Hannah drove her to the
airport for me on her way to work, the day she left. I took the time alone to
reconsider what exactly I was doing with my life. I had quit my job at the bar
when Gray came back into the picture. I still kept in contact with Johnny, but
I hadn’t been in to see him in quite sometime. He had tried calling over the
past week, after finding out about Gray’s mom, but I ignored his calls. I could
feel myself falling back into my depression, and it scared me.