Because You're Mine (18 page)

              But he was all I thought about.

Nothing here reminded me of Holden. Yet that didn’t stop me from thinking about him every single second of every single day. It was frustrating and comforting all at the same time. I liked having him there every day. He was always in the forefront of my mind. And each and every time I closed my eyes, I saw his. The vacant feeling in my chest was crippling. I would never be complete without him. I would never be whole again. I was in complete and utter misery, and it fed feverishly off of my memory.

             
Our memories.

              Every day I wrapped myself up in them. The rush of his breath against my neck, his tongue tasting me, it was sweet agony. 

              Katy flew up with my parents for graduation two weeks ago, and the more I listened, the deeper I dug and found the truth. I believed him. Deep down, I believed in him all along. He would never betray me like that. I was just too afraid, afraid to believe in something so powerful and real, afraid to fight for it. We were perfect for on another. Fate had said so, and so did Holden
.

The pain was getting worse. My loneliness and despair over letting him go was crushing me. I was ready to go home.

             
Home to my heart.

              Pushing from my desk, I walked toward Barrett’s office. My stomach dipped in trepidation while my heart leapt in hope. This was a huge decision for me. I was taking a big risk, but I had no other choice. I would never survive without him. Stepping into his office, I marched right up to his desk and placed the McMillan & Shaw letterhead on his desk.

              “You’re sure about this?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. I’d told Barrett yesterday I was moving back home.

              “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” He smiled a smile that once had butterflies dancing in my belly and my panties wrapped around my ankles. Now, it did absolutely nothing for me. There was only one smile that could bring me back to life and make my heart sing again.

              “You know, when you came back, I knew something had changed.”

              He stood up to move around the desk. Walking past me, he shut and locked his office door. Shit. I’d been avoiding this for weeks, being alone with him. “I missed you like crazy when you were gone, Madison,”

Oh God, this was not happening right now. 

              “Barrett-” I started, but I didn’t have a clue what to say.

              His fingers brushed my cheek in a tender way, but his touch was cold, unable to bring my body to life. I pulled his hand from my face, shaking my head. Swallowing hard, I searched for the words, but they wouldn’t come.

              Barrett scrubbed both hands up and down his face. “I’m too late, aren’t I?”

              “I’m so sorry, Barrett.” With tears threatening my eyes, I fled from his office.

              Gathering up my things, I made my way home to pack. I still had two weeks left, but after that, I was finally going home. I just prayed that Holden still wanted me, and could find it in his heart forgive me.

***

              It was the longest two weeks of my life. Thankfully, Barrett didn’t treat me any differently. He was still just as professional as he’d always been, but there was a longing in his eyes that made my stomach sink every time he looked at me, I spent a lot of time trying to avoid him my last two weeks. However, on my last day, he summoned me to his office to clear the air. Barrett wished me luck and insisted I call him anytime I needed anything, personal or professional. He said if I ever wanted to come back, I would always have a place at M & S. I was so relieved. I respected Barrett immensely, and still thought of him as my mentor…when we weren’t screwing each other’s brains out. We’d managed to salvage somewhat of a friendship from all of this, and for some reason, that was important to me.

              I’d been home for a week now. Still wallowing in my own misery, afraid of what he would say when we were finally face to face. Would he take me back? Or tell me to go straight to hell? I spent my first few days at home lining up interviews with several reputable firms. I couldn’t take the first part of the bar exam until next February. The second part would not be given until the following July. So I wouldn’t have my actual
license
until next year. However, with my experience, I was certain I could land something relatively quickly.

When I got up this morning, I’d decided that today was the day. I needed to face this.

His truck was parked in the driveway, but I had no idea if he was here or not. He kept Elly parked in the garage, so I could only hope.

Stepping from my jeep, I took tentative steps towards the porch and knocked on his front door. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I shifted back and forth on both feet. Hope was starting to outweigh the fear but it was still there, freezing me in place when Holden flung open the door. I was too scared to speak. Scared of what he’d say.

Or what he wouldn’t.

              My favorite pair of jeans hung low, giving me a peek at the grey waistband of his boxer briefs. Every cut and angle of his bare torso was mouthwatering. My fingers tingled to trace every one of those lines that I now know by heart. His hair had grown little longer, and he was sporting his usual five o’clock shadow.

Barefoot, shirtless, and looking all too good to be heartbroken, he propped himself against the door frame with folded arms. His body was rigid and tense, and his muscles rippled as he stood in place. Licking my lips, I scrambled for my practiced words, but now I couldn’t find them.

It made it that much harder when Holden’s eyes refused to meet mine. “Hi,” I pushed out on a whisper.

My heart had started beating in earnest now. I swore he could hear it hammering away inside my chest. At least it was finally beating again
.

“What do you want, Madison?” His chilly tone had tears gathering in my eyes. And the fact that he didn’t call me
Maddie
…was like a knife slicing right across my chest.

             
What had I done?

              “Can I come in?” His eyes finally met mine and they said only one thing.

             
Heartbreak
.             

              “No,” He tossed out before slamming the door in my face.

              Wrapping my arms around my waist was a futile attempt to suppress the agony.

He hated me.

How could I blame him? I hated me too. I’d been a coward before. But now I was ready to fight. Without a knock, I barged right inside.

“What the fuck are you doin’, Madison? Get out!” he shouted.

              Swallowing hard, I forged on. “I’m not leavin’ here until you talk to me.”

              He walked around the couch, stalking towards me. “I have nothing to say to you. Leave.” He grabbed my upper arm, walking me back towards the door.

I dug my heels into the hard wood floor. Tears filled my eyes, pouring hot down my face.

“Holden,
please
. I love you.”

              He stopped mid tug, releasing my arm like it was on fire. “You walked away from me, remember?”

              “I’m so sorry, Holden.” I cried. “I should have believed in you. I do believe in you.” I cried into my hands, sobs racking my body.

Pulling in a sharp breath, I tried to regain some shred of composure. “I need you, Holden. I can’t live without you,” One hand clutched at my aching gut while my other hand reached out for him. He jerked away.

              Resting his arms across his bare chest, he set his jaw. I watched it clench repeatedly while he stared at his tan bare fee.  “I spent a lot of time in the bottle when you left. The last few weeks have been pure fuckin’ hell for me with no way to numb this pain.” He hit his chest with a fist. “I found my bottom. Now I do what I can to survive there. I couldn’t bear losing you again.
It would fuckin’ kill me.
” His glistening blue eyes met mine as he ground out his final words.

I looked deep into his eyes, the same eyes that held all of my hopes and my dreams. I silently wondered how you could meet someone, expect nothing of it, then all of the sudden they’re right there in front of you, and they’re everything you ever needed. Everything you could ever hope for.

             
Blows my mind every fucking time.

             
You never know when love will come along and change…
everything
.

CHAPTER twenty-one

Where we love is home-

home that our feet may leave,

but not our hearts.

-Oliver Wendall Holmes

Holden

             It was fucking killing me not to touch her. I’d dreamt of this moment a hundred times. Maddie standing in front of me like this, fighting for me…fighting for us. It took a heaping dose of self-control to keep from touching her. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms and kiss her until she begged for me for air, bury myself so deep inside her she didn’t know her fucking name. But I was terrified. If she walked away from me again, I wouldn’t make it.

She needed to fight harder.

              Maddie’s fist clenched at her sides and her bottom lip trembled. “I know I hurt you. And I swear I’ll spend the rest of my life makin’ it up to you. But first you have to forgive me. I fucked up. I realize that now. What we have…what we have is special. It’s real.” She took a tentative step forward. “You’ll always own a part of me. I’m yours. Please-” Her tiny hands shook as she cupped my face, rising to her tip toes. I closed my eyes at the contact, and then felt her soft lips brush mine. “I love you so much, Holden. Please forgive me.” she mumbled between light kisses.

I wrapped my arms tight around her waist, and my left hand cupped the back of her neck angling our mouths and fusing them together. I fed from her like a starved animal. Maddie moaned against my tongue, and the vibration drove me crazy with need. My hands roamed her body. I started to remove her shirt, but she stopped my pull. Reaching out, she grabbed my hand, leading me towards the bedroom.

Standing next to the bed, she smoothed her soft hands across my chest and stomach. Then, she placed tiny kisses along my torso before she fell to her knees in front of me.

Holy fuck.

My gaze dropped to hers, desire darkened her eyes as she unbuttoned my jeans. Tugging at the sides, they dropped to the floor along with my briefs. Maddie stroked me several times with her soft hand, and then teased the tip with her tongue. Slowly she took me inside of her hot mouth.

“
Fuck
.” I hissed, clenching my fists at my sides.

              I was afraid that if I put my hands on her I would surely lose self-control. Her small hand stroked up and down at the base of my cock while her greedy mouth worked me in and out. I wanted to come so fucking badly, bury my cock deep in the back of her throat and let go.

             
MINE.

              Maddie released me with a pop to pull her tank top off. Her chest heaved up and down while her pink cheeks flushed red with desire. She reached back to unclasp her bra, unveiling her beautiful breasts. Her hand circled me again “I love you so much.” she professed before her mouth covered my cock once more.

             
My hands found both sides of her head. Pumping in and out of her slick mouth, she allowed me to take control. She gave herself over to me completely. Fire licked down my spine, settling low and deep. “Here I come, baby. Open up.” She closed her eyes and gripped my hips, urging me forward.

Harder.

Deeper
.

Roaring her name, I thrust one last time. I buried myself deep while her perfect mouth milked every drop of pleasure from me before she finally released.

              Pulling Maddie from her knees, I wrapped her in my arms. “That was…” I couldn’t find the right words.

              “Does this mean you forgive me?”

Shaking my head, I chuckled. “Fuck yes,” I kissed her swollen mouth, and then stepped out of my jeans. “Let’s get these off.” Unbuttoning her jeans, I dropped to my knees before her. I pushed her to sit on the edge of the bed, peeling off tight denim.

Starting at her neck, I tasted every inch of her, the swell of each breast, every dip and every curve. I sucked and nipped at her nipples until they were red, puckered and pointing to the heavens. Panting, Maddie gazed down at me as my head moved between her legs. I blew a cold breath against her aching flesh, and I felt her legs shiver beneath my hands. Gripping her inner thighs, I pulled them further apart. Her taste flooded my mouth.

             
My honeysuckle.

              I hadn’t had a fix in two fucking months. “Did you think about me while we were apart?” I asked licking and sucking at her swollen bud.

Her pretty lips puffed for air as Maddie fisted her hands in my hair. “Every day, baby.” she groaned. Rubbing her clit with my thumb, I dipped my tongue lower and watched her head fall back with a ragged moan. Her strong grip on my hair held me in place while I consumed every drop of her sticky sweetness.

              Shifting her up the bed, I crawled between her legs, spreading them wider with my knees. “I love you, baby.”

              “I love you, too.” she whispered.

              Bracing myself above her, I kissed her lips softly, savoring the moment. I get to kiss her, fuck her, make sweet love to her, and cherish her for the rest of my life. My heart squeezed tight and my cock pulsed from the intensity of the moment. Cupping her ass, I angled her up so I could slide inside. Where I belonged.