Born Hard Again: Book Three of the Future Remembered Chronicles (5 page)

"Looka-chere, boy.  First thangs first.  Yo ass gotta whip tha shit outta that sucka ass 'Boza lookin motha fucka.  Den we goan juice dis hea suit, ya hear' me?" the compute-pad conveyed Koochy's voice to me.

"Alright, Marcus," I said.  I had a list of tasks now and I needed to work off of the backlog.  TK was waiting for me too but I had to get through this first, then I could mark this task complete and my boxes would be green.

"It be Koochy, P!  Damn son!"

"Focus!" I told myself.  My suit was now clambering into the open shaft at the center of the Limbotron.  Inside, I saw Limbozer waiting for me and doing stretches in his metallic suit.  The suit seemed like it was almost designed to make his already limber body even more flexible.

I'd faced a lot of enemies in showdowns before, like Kaley, Clarabelle69, and Blue, but I didn't know what to expect when facing Limbozer.  This was a living legend!  Throngs of women supplicated to this amazingly handsome man.  He had built up a following of devout disciples that even exceeded my own in number.  He had been close to death and resurrected by a surgipod, as had I, and he also performed miracles on the dance floor while my miracles usually involved jenkem.

Who was the true god here?  Could my holy name even save me this time around?

My exo-suit finally stopped its travels and I faced Limbozer at the bottom of the shaft.  An array of dangerous-looking weapons studded the walls around me and gave the arena a claustrophobic feeling.  I stared into the soulful eyes of the social media superstar and my heart skipped a beat.

"Welcome, impostor," Limbozer announced.  "Welcome...  to MY domain!"

"Get 'im, boss!" shouted Broman from afar.  "You got this, bro!  Fuck yeah!  I love you.  No homo!"

"The prophecy will be fulfilled!" screeched Makayla from somewhere else.

"Bitch, shut up!" Broman fired back.

Control of my suit was given back to me and I stumbled around.  I tried to touch my toes in order to stretch in preparation for whatever physical acts were needed of me, but I failed miserably.

"Let us begin!  The rules are as follows," Limbozer began.  He looked at me appraisingly and then shook his head with humor, as if retelling the Limbotron rules amused him.  I listened attentively since I'd never done this before.  "Choose a limbo height and succeed, and then your opponent must do the same.  We continue until there is one left alive.  Now, choose your limbo bar.  I choose the gigawatt laser!"

Broman cheered from up above, and a swelling of applause came from a number of girls who'd recovered from their dancing and encircled the arena to spectate as their dreamy hunk performed his specialty.

I looked around at the walls.  "Uh...  I choose..."  I looked frantically for something that wasn't too deadly.  My eyes passed over bandsaws, razor ribbons, flaming fusion rods, tubes of killer bees...  "I choose that broomstick!" I declared.

"You are a god damn moron," Limbozer said.  "That's not one of the limbo bars, that's some trash the janitor left behind.  How are you going to kill me with a broomstick anyway?  Fucking amateurs...  You have forfeited your right to first limbo!"  More cheers came from above.

Limbozer strutted around, his face beaming as he soaked up the adulation of his fans.  The gigawatt laser flicked on and sliced across the area between us, emitting a bright blue glow.  Heat radiated from it and the air sizzled and popped.

"Lower!  Lower!" Limbozer called.  "Lower!"  The laser dipped to within a foot of the floor.  "Lower!  Hahahaha!"

Holy shit
, I thought.  There was no fucking way I'd make it under that!

"Damn, P," Koochy said from the compute-pad.  "Dis Bozo guy ain't no fuckin' joke, son.  World-mutha-fuckin-champion!"

"You're not helping, Marcus!" I shouted.

Limbozer smiled up at his audience and waved to them.  One girl shrieked and fainted when he blew her a kiss.  "Now, we limbo!" Limbozer announced and dropped into an incredibly low limbo stance.

He danced up to the laser, gave me a wink, tilted his head back, and went under the billion-watt energy beam faster than I could blink.

Limbozer was so fast and skilled that he was still smiling at me when the laser promptly sliced off his right knee, face, and dick.

"What the fuck?!" I yelped as blood spattered everywhere, spewing out even before the laser could cauterize the searing wounds all over Limbozer's body.  His perfectly sculpted face peeled off to flop and rest flat on the floor by itself, staring sightlessly up into the air.  Now faceless, his body was thrashing and making gurgling sounds through the red ruin of his skull, his sinus cavities and optic nerves exposed.  With each twitch he ended up hitting the laser and cutting off more pieces of himself.

Pieces of brain matter and bone shards impacted my suit when the laser vaporized his head, detonating the remainder of his jaw in a puff of superheated steam, separating his spinal column and sending the remnants of his scalp ricocheting around the arena.

"Limbotron: Winner." declared the machine in a monotonic voice.  A spotlight turned on and lit me up.

I stood there trying to process what just happened.

"What the fuck was that?" I said.  Silence stretched as the crowd stared aghast at the crimson-stained scene.  The harsh brightness from the spotlight threw shadows around the arena.  Pieces of flesh dripped off the walls occasionally and plopped to the floor.  Limbozer's face was like a work of art, resting motionless and alone on the bloodied field of death.

Broman stifled a sob.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Koochy.  "Dat white boy got his shit FUCKED!  HAHAHAHAHA!  You are so BAD, ya bozo ass mutha fucka!  You grape jelly lookin' ass beef jerky on da' walls lookin' ass no dick havin' sucka ass sucka!  You fuckin' suck!  Yo, P, see if you cain't get dat dere suit!  Goan get some juice, den hook a brotha up with a body, den let's get yo' ho.  Hope that ho be stayin' fly."

"Yeah, let's go," I said.  I took a step and immediately slipped on the viscera covering the polished metal floor.  My suited feet flew out and upwards and kicked directly into the laser beam.

"FUUUUUCK!" I screamed.

Both of my feet were instantly severed at the ankles and flopped about beside me.  Blood flowed freely from a myriad vessels and veins in my leg, coating everything around me. 

"P!  Ay, yo, P!" came Koochy's guiding voice from the compute-pad.  "Hook dis compute-pad up to dat U-ass-B-ass port on dat dere suit, quick!"

I writhed in pain and blithered something nonsensical in return.

"P, son, dat shit right on yo' right side unda' yo' stank ass arm, son," Koochy advised.  "Hookanigga up!"

I found the small rectangular port about midway down the right side of my ribcage.  I attempted to connect it to the compute-pad Koochy was barking at me through.  It was clear I was doing something wrong as the devices wouldn't connect.  I flipped the compute pad over and tried to connect again. 

"Goddammit," I cursed as I failed again.

Flipping the compute-pad over for a second time, I was more forceful with the device port this time and it successfully connected with my surgipod suit. 

"Ay, a'ight," Koochy applauded me.  "Nice work, boy.  Now, sit back, chillax and....ahhhh YEAH!"

The metal exo-suit surrounding my body took on a fluid-like quality in its lower extremities.  It flushed itself downwards from my calves, enveloping my stumpy ankles and staunching my bleeding.  My pain was muted by the healing capabilities of the technological wonder which was the surgipod.  I watched in astonishment as the suit surged into the space where my feet should have been and reconstituted them.  No, wait. 

"Those aren't feet..." I mumbled as I watched a pair of hands form where feet should have been.  "Koochy, what the fuck, man?"

Ridiculing laughter greeted me in return.  "Ahhhhhh, P!  Yo ass goan have some damn dick toes ta deal wit' now.  Unnnnghh!"

"Wait, what?"

I realized, in horror, that in addition to having hands for feet, those feet-hands had enormous flaccid penises for fingers. 

"Fucking A, Marcus!"  I raged at him.  "Are you serious right now?"

"Ay son, dey prehensile!  Yo ass like a damn monkey now, son!  Quitcha bitchin' and get ready ta juice dis shit up!" he explained.

With a bit of mental exertion, I realized I could indeed control the snake-like cocks end-capping my limbs.  I leapt to my "feet". 

"
He!
" Makayla's shrill voice rang out.  "He is... the one, true...
savior!
"

I realized she was pointing to me. 

"Sisters!  Hear my word!  Like, he is the hashtag mcm!  Our fates are entwined!"  she continued.  "Oh...
Cleveland Jesus
," she said my name for the first time.  "We are yours."

Uncertain how I felt about this latest development, yet certainly pleased not to be killing more of these beautiful, nubile pledges, I stroked my beard. 

"P, yo ass needa get to dat damn reactor core powerin' dis here Limbotron, son!  We boutta jam dat shit inna yo shit and den ahhhh yeah!  Fi'in ta recova my beautiful ass, fo' rea'!" Koochy exclaimed.

"Where's the reactor core?"  I had no idea how a Limbotron was architected.

"Take yo simpa ass down ta da mu'fu'in' flo' and reach 'round dat back righ' wheel, yo!  Yo ass goan fixin' ta come up on some loot, ya hear' me?" he directed.

Hastily heeding his words, I leapt down from the scaffolding of the Limbotron to its base.  Reaching around as Koochy had instructed, I came upon a small power cell unit underneath the foundation of the towering and deadly device.  I clumsily disconnected it from the Limbotron and realized that it sported a port similar to the compute-pad I had recently connected to myself. 

"Plug dis one into yo' left side," Koochy advised.

Remembering the challenge I faced connecting the compute-pad, I took extra care to ensure I had the connecting ports aligned correctly before trying to push them together.  Despite my efforts, the power cell unit port would not connect with my suit's receiving port. 

"Fucking shit," I cursed technology. 

I flipped the power cell unit over and shoved hard.  The ports connected and I heard Koochy yelp gleefully.

"Ahhhhhhhh yeah, booyyyyyy!" He exclaimed.  "Shit about ta be on, son!  Now, befo' I can be completin' yo' healin' you gotta get me back inta tha game wit' my body, ya' know what I'm sayin'?"

I nodded.  The healing powers of the suit I was wearing felt significantly enhanced since I had paired with the power cell unit from the Limbotron.  I felt disconcertingly strong.  Invincible.  I was also suddenly more aware of a slithering form coiled around my body, inside my surgipod. 
What could that be?
I wondered.

"Now, get my dead ass se'f inta dat dead ass boza's suit and juice me up wit dat pcu shit, fo' rea'!" Koochy led me towards my next objective.

Using my newfound enhanced strength, I bounded back up through the lethal maze of moving limbo bars deftly.  I snatched up Limbozer's armored and badly damaged corpse and leapt to the top of the Limbotron. 

"Makayla!" I called down to the leader of my disciples.  "Bring me the body of my dead friend, the one with the hole in his chest!"

"Yes, Lord Limboz-- Lord Cleveland Jesus!" she replied, correcting herself.  "You are the true savior.  Like, I totes knew that other guy wasn't the real deal-ly-yo!"  Makayla paused in thought.  "You're, um.  You're like waaaay more dreamy and handsome than him, anyway.  Right."  She fidgeted with her hands.  "Hey after you're done, you should totally give me my compute-pad back!  And sit over there where Limbozer used to sit!  It'll be just like old times, me and him, I mean, me and you!  Hashtag tbt!  And you'll be the boss!  Just, like, sit in that chair and then plug in your suit, okay?"

What a basic bitch
, I thought.

"Just, like, touch your elbows behind your back and then bring me that body, okay?" I asked again, mockingly.

She apparently didn't get it.  After providing me with a nice view, Makayla snapped her fingers and two lithe and uninjured dancers went to pick up Marcus' body.  It had thawed out a bit and wasn't ice cold anymore, but it was on top of a few other girls who were still out cold from the corpsicle impact.  Somehow even in rigor mortis Koochy's hands had ended up groping the unconscious cheerleaders.

"Ay yo, I cain't wait to goan get it get it wit' dese fine-ass hos," Koochy observed.  "I be already gettin' it!  Stay up, playa!  Ain't nobody keepin' big Kooch down, yahurr?"

The girls struggled to lift Marcus' dead weight.

"Ay!  Careful wit' dat!" he yelled from the compute-pad.

"Yeah, be careful!" I echoed.  "Okay, what's next?" I asked him.

The girls stopped for a second.  "Why are you taking orders from a compute-pad?" one of the girls asked, putting one arm akimbo on her curvaceous hip and eyeing me.

"Well, he's my friend," I answered curtly.

"You're friends with a compute-pad?  Don't you have real friends?"

"No!  I mean, yes!  Look, Marcus is my digital personal assistant.  He helps me with reminders and keeps track of my tasks!" I explained.  Marcus had gotten me through so many tough times already today; he was indispensable as a DP assistant.