Breaking Through (The Breaking Series Book 3) (29 page)

I took two steps back. “Gui …”

Ignoring me, Gui turned to march to the stable. His movements were hard, rigid, much like the vibe coming from him. He was mad at me, but would still help me with my fear of horses?

I shook my head. “Gui,” I said louder. He halted, but kept his back to me. “I don’t … I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

He turned to me, his expression blank. “Because of what happened Saturday?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Don’t worry, Hil. It won’t happen again.”

All right. I would admit that having him say that hurt more than I thought it would. A part of me wanted it to happen again. A part of me wanted him to try that again, even when I was here, standing in front of him, looking into his eyes and lying to him that it was mistake.

“I believe you. If you say it won’t happen again, I know that nothing will happen.”

“Then, what is it?”

I groaned, deciding to lie a little more. “You were probably intoxicated and ended up k-kissing me without meaning it. So, I decided to give you an easy way out.”

His jaw popped. “One.” He lifted a finger. “I wasn’t that intoxicated, and right after the kiss, I told you I hoped it happened again. Two.” He lifted a second finger. “That has nothing to do with the riding lessons. I think we’re mature enough to keep our lessons without getting involved, if that’s what you want. You can trust me on that.”

I swallowed, hoping my nervousness went along with my saliva. “But I don’t trust myself. I … I like you more than I should, and I think these lessons, or whatever this is, will only make me like you more.”

Gui’s jaw dropped and his shoulders sagged. After a couple of seconds, he straightened and took three long steps toward me. There was only two feet between us. “If you like me, why have you been avoiding me?” he asked, losing the hard edge to his voice.

I retreated a step. “Because!” I threw my arms out, as if an easy explanation would simply fall in my lap. “There are so many reasons.”

He crossed his arms. “Explain them to me.”

“I’m … we … that’s …” I groaned again. “I don’t know, Gui. It’s just too much. We’re practically family. It would be too weird.” He started shaking his head, but I continued before he could say anything, “And I’m not ready yet. Kissing a guy I like is on my list of fears, but I didn’t really think I would get to it so fast. To be honest, I thought I would never get to the last few items on my list, and—”

“Wait. What are the last items on your list?”

I shook my head. “That’s none of your business!” He winced as if I had hit him. I immediately regretted my words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just … it’s too personal. I had a really terrible time sharing them with my therapist.”

“I thought we were connecting.”

“We were … but there are bridges I’m not ready to cross yet.” I sighed, feeling exhausted by our conversation. “I don’t regret the kiss, Gui. It was amazing. But I’m not ready for more than that. Not yet. And I won’t tell you to wait for me, because I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to heal. If I ever heal. It’s not fair.”

“You can’t make that call for me.”

I ignored what he said and went on. “Like I said, we’re practically family. Even if I was able to go on, to kiss you again—” My heart raced. “—to try something with you, can you imagine how awkward it would be when we broke up? Having to sit together during family events would be too much.”

“And you think that from now on it won’t be? Now I know you like me and you know I like you too.”

He liked me? I forced that thought away and focused on what I came to do here. “Yes, but just the two of us know about that right now. If we pursued a relationship, I’m guessing the rest of the family would know. That’s too much pressure. Even if we tried, this—” I pointed from me to him and back. “—is doomed from the start.”

Gui tilted his head, his eyes studying me. “I won’t change your mind, will I?” I shook my head. He sighed. “And about the lessons?”

“No. I know myself. In our time together, I’ll fall even more for you and it’ll only make things worse for me.”

He nodded. “I understand, but I don’t agree.” He reached forward, and this time I didn’t have the strength to pull away. He cupped my face and looked into my eyes. “I wish you would trust me and let me kiss you again,” he whispered, leaning down. I should have run away, I should have stepped back, said no, screamed, but I was powerless. Gently, Gui brushed his lips on mine, drawing a sigh from my throat. “I wish you would give us a chance.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I understand. I don’t agree. But I’ll respect your decision.” He stepped back and, dizzy, I almost fell forward.

I caught myself and took a deep breath. “Thank you,” I choked. Deep down, I wanted him to fight for me. But why? Wasn’t this what I wanted? What I needed? In the end, I would just turn him down. I would disappoint him. Letting me go was the best, for him and me. “I ... I guess I’ll see you around.”

I spun on my heels and rushed to my car. Inside, I turned my head down, so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. Pretending to be strong, I turned on the engine and drove away without looking back.

Gui

I should have fought harder. I should have held her and not let her go. I should have told her how I felt about her—it was more than saying I liked her. It ran deeper in a way I never felt for any other girl. It scared me a little, but mostly, it excited me.

Until Hilary slammed the door in my face and locked it.

I paced in front of my bed, trying to calm down, trying to think through the frustration, the rage.

I should have grabbed her shoulders and pinned her to her car, and only let go when she understood the turmoil in me. Then she would run—scared of my actions, of the angry shine in my eyes, of the strength in my hands. No, no. Unfortunately, only time and patience would work on Hilary. Nothing else.

I groaned and punched the wall. I gritted my teeth as I watched the pieces of paint fall to the floor.

Merda.
Patience wasn’t my best trait.

I was already battling with myself over going to her apartment right now and imploring her to talk to me, to listen to me, to understand me. Like a fucking stalker again.

I groaned again and almost punched the wall again. The pain radiating from my red knuckles stopped me.

This was stupid. So fucking stupid. I shouldn’t be this worked up because of a girl. I was stronger than this. No girl had ever made me feel this powerless, and it wouldn’t start now. I would take control of this situation, and it would start right now.

I pulled out my phone from my back pocket and pressed João Pedro’s number.

“
Oi
, Gui. Everything okay?” he answered, his Brazilian accent thicker than mine.

“Is that team from Florida still asking for me?”

A pause. “The Blue Orchard, yes. Why?”

“Do we have any important tournaments coming up, or can I go?”

Another pause. “You can go if you want.”

“I want to.”

“Okay.” I heard the shuffling of pages as if he was turning pages of his calendar. “I’ll call them and set everything up. I’ll call you later with details.”

“Thanks.”

I turned off the call and strutted into my closet, pulling a duffel bag out.

That was me taking control of the situation. That was me finding some way to have patience, to wait.

As soon as João Pedro called me and confirmed the transfer, I was leaving.

Chapter Twenty-Two

The next morning, I was deep into drawing my school project when Hannah called. She said she would be in town and wanted to go out to lunch with me. I started protesting, saying I had lots to do, but she said she knew I could make my own hours at work, so she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

At 12:15 p.m., I met her at a deli place two blocks from work.

We sat in a booth in the middle of the deli, ordered our lunches, and talked about mundane things for the first fifteen minutes. I had eaten half of my panini when she opened up about the real reason for meeting me.

“So,” she started.

I rolled my eyes. “I knew this wasn’t a social lunch. Okay, what is it?”

“It is! Can’t I have lunch with my sister?”

“Of course you can, but I know you. You’re far too busy, especially around lunch, and you’ve never invited me to lunch before.”

“Well, that was a mistake.” She brushed her long, dark hair over her shoulder and stared at me with her big, green eyes. “You’re more than my sister, you’re my friend, and we should have more lunches together.”

I tilted my head, watching her. “I would like that. However, I know there’s more to this lunch than simply spending quality time with me. Lay it on me.”

“Well,” she started again. “I ended up coming back early from the riding class last evening, and I was at the stable when you arrived at the ranch and met up with Gui.”

My eyes grew wide. “Oh my …”

“I saw you two kissing,” she said.

My cheeks flamed. “Oh my …”

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on, or do I have to ask Gui about it?”

“No! Don’t ask him.” I sighed. “Oh, man. Well …” I didn’t know what to tell her, so I decided to start from the beginning. I told her about my therapist’s idea of creating a list of my fears from the mildest to the scariest and about working on going through the list, scratching off items as much as I could, but also taking my time. I told her about being at the ranch to face my fear of horses and bumping into Gui there. I told her about his interest in helping me, not only with horses, but everything. I told her about the helicopter ride, the late night ice cream and chocolate, and that night at the club when we noticed we had more going on between us. And I told her about the kiss in my apartment. “After that, I avoided him. I didn’t answer his texts or calls, and I was careful when coming and going so we didn’t run into each other. But we had agreed to meet yesterday for another riding lesson several days ago, before the kiss, and I honor my agreements, so I went, but I stuck to my plan. I told him we shouldn’t meet anymore, that I was done with his help.”

She lifted one eyebrow at me. “Was kissing him yesterday in your plan?”

“Of course not. And I didn’t kiss him. He just …” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. It won’t happen again.”

She stared at me, and I could see the wheels in her brain turning. “Now that I think about it, I guess it was always obvious that Gui had a thing for you, for quite a while actually.”

“W-what?”

“Yeah, I mean, before I thought it was like Leo watching Bia, you know, like family interest, but now I see it. He was always watching you, asking about you, or making small comments like, ‘Wow, she’s so pretty,’ but then he would change the subject and nobody ever put two and two together. Until now.”

Gui had always watched me? He had always thought I was pretty? That was … wow. I had no idea.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, trying to convince myself.

“Why not? I can see you like him too.”

“Do I really need to explain myself?” I asked, lowering my voice. “For starters, he might not be a huge playboy, but we both know he’s a heartbreaker. He changes girlfriends every month.” I made air quotes to emphasize the word girlfriends. Gui didn’t do girlfriends. “I would be just one more, and then I would have to see him at our family events all the time. It would be too awkward, too painful. And the most important reason is me. I can barely understand how I kissed him, because just thinking about doing it again sends a jolt of fear through me. A new panic attack isn’t far behind. How can I even consider dating someone if I can barely kiss him? And he’ll expect more, much more. It’s not fair to him.”

Hannah reached across the table and rested her hand on mine. “I understand your reasons, but I don’t agree with them.”

Groaning, I pulled my hand away. “That’s exactly what he said yesterday. Though he said he would respect my decision.”

She offered a sweet smile. “What kind of sister would I be if I didn’t try to convince you otherwise?”

I groaned again. “The kind I need right now?”

“Hil …”

“Don’t Hil me, please. I’m not ready, Hannah. I want to be, I swear I want to be, but I can’t force it. I sense I’ll break down again, and it’ll be even worse this time. I’m not sure I can recover this time.”

She nodded. “All right. I’ll give you some time, but be warned that I’ll bug you about this again. Soon.”

I sighed. “Just don’t do it
too soon, deal?”

“Deal.” She finished her juice, and then looked at me with serious eyes again. “Just one more thing.”

“What?” I asked, my voice harsher than I intended.

“I think Gui isn’t taking your decision too well,” she said. I raised an eyebrow at her to continue. “João Pedro called Leo this morning, saying Gui had agreed to play with another team for the next three weeks. A team in Florida.” She paused, letting the information sink in.

So, Gui was going to Florida. For the next three weeks. That was okay, right? Better this way. I wouldn’t have to be so careful to avoid him in the building or anywhere else now. Why had a sudden pain wrapped around my heart and squeezed it tight, then?