Breaking Unhealthy Soul Ties: Do Your Relationships Produce Bondage or Joy? (10 page)

As we have seen, through the reality of negative soul-ties, and through the inappropriate choices we make in relationships such as misplaced affection, we enter into deep-rooted bondage. Perhaps you are not sure if you have fallen into one of the traps which have been mentioned. In the next chapter we will describe symptoms commonly experienced by those ensnared in unhealthy soul-ties. Use this information as a diagnostic tool to evaluate the condition of your own soul.

4
Side-Effects of
Unhealthy Soul-Ties

The symptoms negative soul-links produce underscore the urgency of defining the unhealthy soul-ties that may exist in one’s life, and the necessity of being free from them.

When one is tied to the wrong person, certain common side effects are observed. They will include some of the following:

• Loss of individuality and self-confidence
  .
  

  Tendency to think of oneself in terms of relationship to someone else, accompanied by inferiority and a lack of competence.
  

• Loss of clear thinking in decision making
  .
  

  Double-mindedness, the inability or shirking from decision making.
  

• Loss of peace
  

  The presence of fear, worry, anxiety, or nervousness especially around other people; feeling of being pressured, or under stress to always please the other person.
  

• Loss of the ability to really love others
  .
  

  The presence of anger and resentment.
  

• Loss of spiritual liberty and personal freedom
  .
  

  Accompanied by guilt and condemnation and by feelings of being smothered or constantly restrained.
  

  In addition, a person who has become vulnerable to the control of his acquaintances will also develop added vulnerability to more evil soul-ties. He will find himself developing relationship problems with other acquaintances.
  

• Loss of good health accompanied by infirmity
  .
  

  Soul-ties of susceptibility to sickness or affliction may be inherited along with an ancestral soul-tie, often seen as a generational curse or spirit. Such ungodly soul-ties of sickness can exist alongside the godly soul-ties within a marriage, until cast out. For example my wife, Sue, experienced hair loss and fear of cancer after I had cancer because of her deep feelings for me. She became vulnerable through me.
  

  It is readily observable that people who are bound by anger, fear, anxiety, and other emotional dysfunctions resulting from being inordinately controlled, become susceptible to disease.
  

And, of course, the most grievous side-effect,

• Loss of closeness to the Father
  

  This has all sorts of disastrous consequences, including obstacles and impediments to our walk with God, hardening our hearts toward God, shutting out the Lord’s voice in our daily lives, and erecting a wall between us and ministry of the Holy Spirit.
  

How do I know if another person is
attempting to gain control over my soul?

There are a few “gut-checks” that we can make in order to diagnose whether we are coming under control of another person.

For instance, one may notice that…

• Someone else makes decisions or plans for your life
  
• Someone else is being overly protective of you
  
• Someone else is being threatened by any new friendships you make
  
• Someone is exercising financial control over you – parents, bosses, debt.
  

In more extreme cases, you will find that someone has thoughts of harm commingled with thoughts of control. As the following Scripture makes clear, it is definitely possible for a mere man, motivated by evil, to do at least five things:

For ye suffer,
if a man bring you into bondage
, if a man devour you, if a man take of you, if a man exalt himself, if a man smite you on the face.

2 Cor. 11:20

These five things that those with evil intentions can do are:

1. Bring you into bondage;
   
2. Devour you, following the pattern of Satan, the “roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.” Thus, this individual is doing Satan’s work and is his agent;
   
3. Take from you that which is yours (wrong you, rob you of reputation, things, or your wife);
   
4. Exalt himself over you, thus putting you down;
   
5. Smite you, strike you, or hurt you, physically or emotionally.
   

Any or all of these may cause you to suffer, but Jesus wants to set you free from all such bondage and from its resultant suffering. That’s one of the main reasons that He came...
to set the captives free
!

Obsessive Thought Life

Another side-effect of an unhealthy soul-tie is an obsessive thought life. This is often characterized by a feeling of compulsion to be with or to see another person — e.g. “I can’t forget her!”; “I can’t get her out of my mind!”

The thought life consists of both the conscious and the unconscious.

Conscious Thought Life
:
where one is plagued with memories or thoughts of the other party, including fantasies or daydreams (not necessarily sexual fantasies, but they often seem to have a sexual aspect).

Unconscious Thought Life:
dreams, nightmares, terrors. Individuals often complain about being unable to get the other person out of their thoughts or dreams. They may be tormented with nightmares or night terrors about the other party running their life, controlling them or even killing them.

What Do You Fear?

As mentioned, fear can be the stronghold, and the stranglehold, behind ungodly soul-ties. A strong presence of fear is a common side-effect of unhealthy relationships. It has been validly said that “the thing which we fear tends to become our God.”

By the same token, anything that serves to remove our fear can also become our God. Thus, we find many people worshiping and making an idol of money, which removes or alleviates the fear of poverty; or worshiping doctors, who alleviate their fear of sickness, disease or death. Jesus should be our Source and the One to whom we look when fear attacks us:

Thus saith the LORD;
C
ursed be the man that trusteth in man
, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.

Jer. 17:5

This Scripture makes it clear that looking to another source, any other source, especially man, is to depart from the Lord. This is a thought echoed in numerous Scriptures, such as...

It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes.

Ps. 118:8–9

At the heart of many evil soul-ties is some kind of fear. Scripture places the fear of death as the greatest controlling force in people’s lives. Hebrews states:

Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who
through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.

Heb. 2:14–15

The bottom line is evil soul-ties must be broken. The next chapter will outline the steps to freedom.

5
The Cure:
Breaking Soul-Ties

Virtually all battles with Satan are fought upon the battlefield located in the mind. This is true with regard to deliverance in general, and breaking of soul-ties in particular. The candidate for freedom must come to recognize that a soul-tie problem exists, make the decision that he or she wants to be free, and then determine to take steps in that direction.

These steps will include some or all of the following: confessing, renouncing, verbally breaking soul-ties, casting out evil spirits, and then calling back the fragmented portions of the soul that it might be restored and healed.

Force yourself, if necessary, to heed advice and to renew your mind, as Paul recommends in Philippians 4. Often, when under the sway of soul-tie domination, the individual is totally blinded to the control exercised over him. He may go from pastor to pastor, counselor to counselor, seeking agreement for what he wants to believe.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind

Rom. 12:2

There are varying degrees of difficulty in breaking soul-ties. Normally soul-ties are not formed overnight. The degree of difficulty encountered in breaking a soul-tie will usually be affected by the duration and strength of that relationship. Soul-ties from relationships presumed to be rooted in love, involving sexual contact, and those rooted in fear or the occult are usually the strongest and most difficult for the victim to break. However, even simple over-dependence upon a mother can be very strong if allowed to exist for a long time.

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

John 8:32

If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

John 8:36

Knowledge of Soul-Ties

Arm yourself with knowledge. Ignorance or
lack of awareness
was the doorway for these unhealthy soul-ties to gain a stronghold, so the obvious solution is knowledge through education. We must educate ourselves as to their existence and effects. This learning process includes not only studying material on the subject, but learning to pattern our relationships after the perfect example of Jesus Himself.

Jesus avoided all control from every other source, except God the Father, and He resisted all temptations to sin. Holiness requires the need to sacrifice temporary pleasure for the greater goal of personal and spiritual freedom. We need also to learn the tactics and wiles of the enemy.

Adam broke faith with God by disobedience. He failed to keep (literally “guard”) the Garden because of his lack of knowledge of Satan’s intentions. What were the devil’s intentions? They were to gain control over Adam and all of God’s creation, which had been entrusted to Adam. Isaiah states Satan’s intentions:

For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God:

I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.

Isa. 14:13–14

Jesus, the last Adam, successfully resisted Satan’s attempt to control Him, and thereby set the pattern for us to be free!

Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and showeth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.

Matt. 4:8–11

Disagreement
with Unhealthy Soul-Ties

Agreement
is the second major factor in the formulation of wrongful soul-ties, and the obvious antidote is disagreement.

Herein lays the difficulty. In most cases disagreement may require cutting off as many aspects of the controlling relationships — at least until the person being controlled becomes able to walk in freedom and to think for himself. For instance, in the case of a controlling parent exercising influence over an adult son or daughter, decisions about career paths and how to raise your children may be two areas of attempted unhealthy influence that need to be cut off. This should include divesting oneself of certain gifts or “hooks” from the controller. Some relationships may take years to be restored because the controlling party will not be willing to recognize or acknowledge the freedom of the other person.

The most difficult problems arise when the controller is a family member or an employer with whom you may not be able to totally sever all ties. One helpful suggestion is to rethink the definitions of family, church, and citizenship. Again using Jesus as our pattern, we are reminded of His words:

Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?.. For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is
my brother, and sister, and mother
.

Matt. 12:48a, 50

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Matt. 10:37

The promise in Romans 8 is that the Holy Spirit will bring us to our true Father (Abba). We become adopted into the family of God the Father, when we receive God’s Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior.

For both He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are all from one Father; for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren...

Heb. 2:11 NASB

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the
sons of God
, even to them that believe on his name...

John 1:12

We also need to redefine the meaning of the church. Jesus defined the church by its locality, e.g. the church of Ephesus or Smyrna, not recognizing what we today call denominations. Paul acknowledged an elder or bishop as one of several leaders over an entire geographic area, and argued in First Corinthians 3:3
–
7 against carnal division based upon personalities.

For while one saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos: are ye not carnal?

1 Cor. 3:4

Although we may subdivide for the sake of convenience, we are still part of the one Body in any spiritual locality, and part of the one universal Body. We are now citizens of a heavenly city and our allegiance is to the Ruler of that city.

In other words, the second key to freedom for our souls is to change our way of thinking; to
fall out of agreement
with all that attempts to hold us to wrong allegiances. It is only when we become free and independent in Christ that we can become a blessing to another. This battle is first fought in the mind, and must be won on that battlefield.

Scripture makes it clear that in certain circumstances, it is necessary to withdraw, or remove oneself from a situation:

Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness:
from such withdraw thyself.

1 Tim. 6:5

In the last days... men shall be... having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof:
from such turn away
.

2 Tim. 3:1,2,5

Satan seems to fight more determinedly against our achieving freedom from wrongful soul-ties than against any other kind of deliverance. This is because it is easier to cast out a demon than to cast out a person we can see. No human being is either all good or entirely evil. Just about the time we begin our “flight to freedom,” the one to whom we are tied redefines himself or herself as loving and needy. Feelings of guilt and selfishness creep over us, and we must resist being drawn back into old patterns of bondage.

Before freedom can be accomplished in the spiritual realm, we need to be absolutely convinced of the necessity of breaking the tie no matter how the controlling party subsequently behaves, because that party will most likely “pull out all the stops.” We must also determine not to be controlled by a fear of the pain of burning bridges. Remember that the less you are controlled by another, the more you will be able to yield yourself to God’s control.

Next we need to realize that a wrongful soul-tie functions like an invisible chain holding our spirits down. The final solution is spiritual and is won with prayer. The following steps will be helpful.

Steps to Freedom and Victory

1. Forgive All Others

And when ye stand praying,
forgive
, if ye have aught against any, that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you.

Mark 11:25

Forgiveness has played an essential part in more than 90% of the deliverances we have ministered over the last twenty-eight years. Unforgiveness maintains and reinforces the soul-tie. It also prevents God from aiding the freedom seeker. In a certain sense, His hands are tied, for His own Word declares the governing principle:

And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses.

Matt. 18:34–35

One should become familiar with the steps to forgiveness given in the “Forgiveness Teaching” section in
Power for Deliverance: Songs of Deliverance
, available through Impact Christian Books (www.impactchristianbooks.com). The candidate should pray a simple prayer from his heart, forgiving all who he thinks have wronged him, such as the following:

Lord Jesus, I come to you now confessing my unforgiveness as sin. I renounce all sins involved in my harboring unforgiveness against ____________ and ____________. I give up my right to be angry with them, and, by a decision of my will, I forgive them for wronging me, and I ask you to forgive them as well.

Amen!

Note
:
Forgiveness
is not the same as
Trust.

There will always be resentment, whether conscious or not, against the one who has snared your soul. How do we reconcile those feelings?

If we look at an extreme case, it would be possible to respect a woman as your mother, and to acknowledge her for having given you birth, even if she was, or has since become, a prostitute. In the same way, we could separate her from her controlling demons. Remember the old adage: We must forgive the sinner, but not necessarily the sin.

For example, if the neighbor’s dog bites you and the neighbor then asks you to forgive him for the incident, you can validly forgive him. But that does not mean that you must expose yourself to his dog to be bitten again to prove it. If an employee steals from you and asks for forgiveness, you can forgive, but you would be foolish to leave the keys to the safe with that employee. Forgiveness does not mean an immediate restoration of trust.
Trust must be earned
.

Again, the adult who was wronged as a child by a parent can validly forgive the offending parent for the abuse involved, but need not expose himself to more abuse in order to prove that forgiveness. This is a common lie of the enemy. “If you have really forgiven, you wouldn’t have any hesitation about going over there and spending time with that person.”

There is another wise adage: “Once burned; twice shy.” There is nothing wrong with exercising caution! For example, one would be wise not to allow a child to be in a room alone with a parent who has a history of molestation or sexual abuse. The parent’s repentance for past behavior is one thing, proving himself trustworthy is an entirely different matter. If you experience a check in your spirit, or feel mistrust toward someone who has abused you in the past, heed that as a warning from the Lord, until He chooses to direct you otherwise with His peace.

2. Cut All Improper Soul-Ties

Just as an infant must have his umbilical cord cut if he is to survive in the physical world, the Christian must have his soul-ties severed so that he can survive and grow in the spiritual realm. A prayer to break soul-ties would go along the lines of:

I make the decision now to break all unnatural authority, domination, manipulation, or control, exercised over me by ___________, _________ or ___________. I renounce all covenants, pacts, promises, curses, and every other work of darkness to which I have been exposed or made liable by my own actions or the actions of others. As a volitional act and by the decision of my own will, I loose myself from every soul-tie and from every form of bondage of my soul or body to Satan, or any of his agents be they human or demonic. I choose also to now present my body to the Lord as a living sacrifice, as the Scripture recommends, and to walk in holiness as You, Lord Jesus, enable me to do so.

Amen!

3. Restore the Fragmented Soul

Counter-attack and have as a goal to replace the damaged soul with a whole soul, to cast out the evil spirits and to replace them with good spirits from God such as the
fruit of the Spirit
. If the person has been tormented with fear, pray for them to be filled with peace.