Broken Survivor (14 page)

“Same old, same old.” She was vague on purpose. “I started getting things for the apartment.”

“That’s great. Are you looking forward to the move? It’s right around the corner now.” Jace’s enthusiasm made her crack a smile. It felt like the first genuine one in a while despite how weak it was.

“I am. I think you were right. It really will be good for me.” Holly sighed. “Lauren has been helping me get things together for the move. We’ve gotten pots, pans, utensils, plates, cups, bowls, towels, sheets, curtains, a toaster, and a bunch of other stuff I could go on and on about. I just pretty much have to pack. It’s on my to-do list as soon as I get my hands on some boxes.”

“It sounds like you’ve gotten quite a bit of the essentials accumulated.” Jace laughed. “So I take it she’s come around.”

“I think she still has doubts I’ll be able to handle it, but she’s been a little better. I have until the end of the month to move out, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Lauren has been pretty good when it comes to helping me with my start-out stuff for the place, though, so maybe she has come around. Who knows? I’ve got a lot on my mind, so it’s not really at the top of my priority list. It is what it is.”

“Oh? Care to enlighten me?” Jace lifted his eyebrows and his expression screamed curiosity.

“Not really.” She bit her lip. “I’ve tried your little letter exercise, and it’s brought forth a lot of feelings I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with yet.”
There you go. It’s a partial truth at least. Let’s hope he buys it. Just don’t crack. Stay strong.

“That’s what it’s supposed to do. I bet it hasn’t been easy, but in time it’ll get better.”

Oh you have no freaking idea, bub.
“No, it hasn’t, you know. It can be frustrating too. I know how I feel inside, but as soon as I try to put it on paper, it doesn’t come across like I want it to. Does that make sense? I’ve only tried it twice so far. The first time all I managed to get out was a quick ‘I miss you. Love you always, Holly.’ It was hard starting off. I scribbled a little at first, but all I could manage was short and sweet. So I threw it out. The second time, I was pretty depressed, and the letter came out really angry. I’m pissed off about what happened, and I feel like it could have been prevented. I’m trying not to play the blame game, but there are so many “what ifs” and “if onlys” I’m stuck with, and I ended up throwing out that letter too. I didn’t need the reminder down the road because it wasn’t pretty. I needed her so much at the time I wrote it, I still do, and that fueled some of what I wrote.”

“That’s pretty understandable. There are many phases of grief, and I’m sure that’s not going to be the last time you feel that way. Everyone deals with things differently. There is no right or wrong way to go through those stages. As long as you don’t want to harm yourself or any others in the process, that is. You don’t, do you?” Jace gave her a stern look and smiled when she shook her head. “In the long run I think this will work itself out, and I still think writing those letters will benefit you greatly. Maybe not at first but…”

“I get it, thanks.” She eased back in her chair and crossed her legs. “Thanks for the talk. It helps a little more and more every time we meet.”

“Well, thank you, Miss Hewitt. That’s the goal. Next time we meet we can discuss other options that might help if you’d like.”

“Other options? Like…” She moved her hands between the two of them as if encouraging him to continue.

“Well, there’s medication. Like I said, I can set you up with a psychiatrist friend. You’ve witnessed a horrific trauma, and your body and mind will probably take a long time to recover. She was your mother of all people, and to find her like that—” He cleared his throat and squirmed a bit in his seat. “Let’s just say I don’t think it’s something one gets over, but with some time you should be able to cope sufficiently and lead a good life for yourself.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said in disbelief. “But I’ll think about it?”

“That’s fair.” Jace looked at his watch. “I hate to cut it short, but I’ve got to head out. We’ll meet again at the same time next week?”

“It’s not like I have much of a choice. Not that I haven’t appreciated the time you’ve given me or anything.” She sighed. “Sorry, Jace, I could use filters sometimes. I’ll see you next week.”

Holly hurried out of his office and wondered what the hell was wrong with her. She was angry, yes, but that didn’t give her the right to take it out on the undeserving. She leaned against the wall in the hall and banged the back of her head against it a couple times.

The bell sounded, signaling it was time to suck it up and get to her next class, so she pushed herself to go, not looking forward to the day ahead. It was just one of those days where time was moving way too slowly, and all she wanted to do was wallow in sorrow and hide from the rest of the world.

***

“Alex dropped these by earlier.” Lauren knocked on her bedroom door and entered with the most beautiful array of colorful tulips she’d ever seen, and her heart skipped a beat. “He told me to give you this as well.” She held out a small envelope and placed the vase of flowers on Holly’s dresser after she took it.

Holly was rendered speechless. This guy was the absolute sweetest person she’d ever met, literally. She dropped the current box she was packing and wiped the sweat from her brow.

“Well, are you going to open it?” Her guardian squealed with excitement and clapped her hands together.

So much for a smidgen of privacy.
“I guess so.” She exhaled and carefully ripped the top of the envelope to get the card out while Lauren watched on.

Holly,

I’m hoping to erase some of the bad moments by creating a few more good ones. I know this doesn’t make up for anything, but I need to see you again. The other night was both heaven and hell, and I’m just so glad you’re okay.

Call me when you get this.

Alex

“Well?” Lauren waited impatiently. “What’s it say?”

“He wants me to call him.” She smiled. “I guess I should go grab the phone, then.” She took the phone from her bedside and dialed.

“Hey.” She sounded breathless when he answered and bit down on her top lip.

“Hi yourself.” Was it possible to know when the person on the other end of the phone was smirking? Because Zander seemed like he was doing just that. Maybe it was just his enthusiastic tone. “I’m glad you called.”

“Like I wouldn’t.” Holly pressed a hand to her belly and winced. The bruise was healing but was still pretty sensitive. “They’re beautiful, thank you.”

“I remember someone telling me that tulips were one of her favorite flowers, and I wanted to get you something pretty.”

“They certainly cheered me up at this moment. I don’t know how you do it, but you always seem to get past my defenses. You’re amazing, you know that?”

“I try.” He chuckled. “But seriously, I hope you don’t have plans tonight because we’re going out, so tell Lauren you won’t be back until late.”

“Nope, no plans. Any hints on where we might be going?”

“You’ll have to wait and see. Will you be ready if I pick you up in an hour?”

“Absolutely.” She watched her foster mom sit on the edge of her bed and get comfortable. “Should I dress a certain way? You know, dressy or casual.”

“Dress however you want, babe. You’ve got fifty-eight minutes starting now.”

“Pushy much?” She stifled a giggle.

“Maybe,” he teased back. “Fifty-seven minutes, Hol.”

“Okay, okay, I’m going now so I’ll be on time. And Zander…”

“Yeah?”

“We’ve now got fifty-six. See you soon.” She hung up before he could distract her anymore and began to sort through what she had left to wear in her closet. She needed a shower, to do a quick shave to make sure she was as smooth as possible everywhere, to blow-dry her hair, and to add some subtle makeup to her face. “Ooh, so much to do and so little time to do it in.”

“Are you planning to go out with Alexander tonight?”

“That’s the plan.” Holly turned to Lauren with a handful of clothes in each hand. “I have no idea where we’re going, but he said we might run late tonight. Is that okay?”

“It is if you’re with Alex. I trust him. He’s a really nice guy, and I knew the two of you would hit it off.” She pulled a pair of dark skinny jeans and a T-shirt from Holly’s hand. “I suggest you wear these tonight. The green in this shirt really brings out your eyes.”

“Thanks.” Holly put the other clothes away and took the shirt and jeans from her. “I’m not sure when we’ll be back, but I’ve got my keys.”

“Okay, have fun!”

***

Fun? Fun was something she never thought she’d have just as early as yesterday, but Zander had an easy, carefree way about him that you couldn’t help but draw from. He was laid-back, easygoing, and he really had a way of making her smile and think there was some hope in the black little world she lived in. He was a shining light, and she looked forward to what other surprises he had in store for the two of them.

He’d taken her to a very cozy Mexican restaurant right in the heart of downtown. The candlelight flickered off the warm burgundy walls, and they sat close together around the petite, round table. It wasn’t busy, so while they shared entrées of loaded nachos and chicken quesadillas, they also got to enjoy listening to the mariachi band by the door.

“I really needed this, so if I forget to thank you again, I’ll just get it out of the way now. Thank you. This is great.” She took a huge bite of meaty nachos, and salsa dripped down her chin.

“I thought this might be something you’d like.” He grabbed his napkin and took his time wiping up the mess she’d made of her face. His thumb traced her bottom lip before he let go. “I like that I can take you somewhere and no matter how insignificant it is, you enjoy yourself.”

“This is not insignificant, it’s incredibly sweet, and maybe it’s the company I keep. You manage to bring a little happiness into my dreary existence, and that’s rare for me at this point.”

“I’m glad to be of service. Feel free to show your appreciation.” Typical male, he wiggled his eyebrows up and down suggestively. “Anytime you’d like.”

“I may take you up on that tempting offer as soon as I’m able.” She sent him a grim smile. “I’m afraid we’ll still have to behave ourselves for tonight. I’m not in the clear yet.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“I know.” Holly reached over and held his hand. “I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either, and I appreciate everything. You coming to the hospital and staying the night with me too. I needed your arms around me to keep me from falling. You were like my lifeline of support to hang on to every inch of sanity I still had in me. I was barely even pregnant, it was so early, but I loved that baby regardless, you know? And as insane as this may sound, maybe it was better off it happened this way. We’re young, just getting to know each other, and I’m still a mess. I have to keep thinking there was a reason or a greater purpose for what went down, and all I want is to try and forget. If that makes me sound cruel or heartless, then so be it, but it still doesn’t wash away the hurt.”

“Fair enough. You have to try and fight through the pain to get to the light.”

“I guess.”

“Well, good.” Zander stood and held his hand out to her. “Are you ready for more?”

She nodded and followed him out. After paying for their meal, they took another moonlit stroll and ended up back at his place.

“Come here.” They were alone in his room now, and he lightly tugged her arm, pulling her flush against him. “So what would you like to do now?”

With him so close to her, she wanted plenty, and the need for an escape continued. “You know, there are several things a couple can do without penetration.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down now. “How about we use our imaginations a bit here and…” She stood on her tiptoes and locked lips with him to finish the thought. Her tongue stroked his, and she felt the vibration of his moan on her lips while they kissed. It went from teasing to scorching in less than a minute, and soon she was gripping his shirt with both hands and struggling to get it off between breaths.

He stilled her hands after she undid the button on his pants and stepped back. “Let’s get you naked too.” He grunted and began peeling off her clothes. Her shirt, pants, and lacy bra were thrown into a corner of his bedroom, and he made quick work of getting rid of his pants. She stood there in nothing but her thong, and Zander stalked forward.

He backed her up to the edge of the bed, and they both tumbled, tangling their arms and legs together in their haste to get as close as possible. His kiss turned tender, and he stroked the side of her face as if she was something precious.

Holly was lost, so absorbed in him she didn’t even realize Zander had all but a moment to pull the covers over their partially naked bodies before they were interrupted.

“I want to play too, I want to play too!” Tiana squealed as she climbed up onto the bed and began bouncing up and down.

Uh-oh.
Holly bit her lip again to keep from laughing. This had to have been a record for fastest deflation of a hard-on in history. It was priceless.