Broken Survivor (12 page)

Not likely, because guess what, the test was positive.
She had the sudden urge to stick her tongue out but refrained. “Oh come on. I think it would be cool to be a mom.” She smiled devilishly. It was time to really get that rise. “And since you’re technically my foster mother and my mother isn’t around anymore, can I get my kids to call you grandma?”
Here we go, let’s let the fireworks begin. Boy this is fun.

“You’re not being funny, Holly.” Lauren’s eyes looked as though they were about to explode from their sockets.

“Oh come on, Lauren, my child will be deprived a grandparent. Wouldn’t you like to fill that position for me? Or should I say for them?” She put a hand on her belly to be dramatic, and Lauren fell for the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

“Knock it off.” She scowled. “I’m not your mother, and nobody would ever be able to replace her. I do, however, have to say that I hope you’re not trying to get pregnant on purpose. Alex is a nice young man with his entire future ahead of him. You, on the other hand, have past, present, and future to handle. I am proud of how you’re coping, but a child is the last thing you need to add to your life at this time. Heck, look at Jess. She’s much older than you, she’s got the help of all of us, and she still struggles sometimes. Being a parent is hard work, and I don’t think you need that type of responsibility with things the way they are. Don’t you want to do something with yourself?”

“Of course I do.” Holly’s face felt hot, and she tried not to get angry. She’d wanted to play with Lauren, to get a rise out of her, and she’d succeeded a little too well. She cleared her throat and tried to be sarcastic to hide her disappointment. It wasn’t that Lauren had said anything bad, but that even though it might not be the best time for a baby, one was coming whether anybody wanted it to or not. And lastly, there was no way in hell she could go through with terminating it. All she had to do now was learn to deal with it. “Well, it’s nice to know how you feel. Don’t hold anything back, why don’t you?”

“It’s not a joke, and I really think you should take this more seriously.”

“I am taking this seriously. My life may be screwed up at the moment, but I will be somebody, damn it. I will not turn out to be like anyone but who I am. I’m smart enough to not follow my parents’ mistakes, and I will get through this with or without a baby in the picture.”

She began to raise her voice at the end, and Lauren reached out to her before she could walk away.

“We’re not done here.”

“The hell we’re not,” she huffed.

“I’m glad to hear that this conversation is sinking in, and I really do hope that one day I can look back and see how far you come from the person you are today. I hope to be proud I was somehow a part of helping to steer you in the right direction while you shine in whatever it is you succeed at. I believe in you, and I have no doubt you’ll accomplish your goals. Now the trick is to make you see it too.”

“Is everything all right?” Both women snapped their heads up when Zander’s mother approached. Holly had failed to notice that they’d stopped right in front of his house.

“What are we doing here?” she whispered, turning red. Holly had only met his mother a few times informally and was embarrassed at being caught getting a lecture.

“Hello, Skye. We were just having a discussion. Everything is fine.” Lauren waved her hand in the air as though what they were talking about was nothing. “Have you two officially met?”

Skye nodded. “It’s nice to see you again, Holly. What brings you two by?”

“We were taking a walk, and I was hoping to take Tiana off your hands for a little while.” Skye babysat often to let Jess catch up on things like never-ending laundry and to give her a chance to relax. “Where is my granddaughter today?”

“Our granddaughter is inside playing. I’ll pack her bag for you. If you’d like to come inside, it’ll only take a minute.”

Lauren nodded and stepped forward. Refusing to let go of Holly, she tried dragging her along.

“Listen, I think I’d just like to go home,” Holly said. Being here felt awkward. She wasn’t Zander’s official girlfriend, and the whole bonding with his mom thing seemed inappropriate. Was he even home? Would he mind her being there?

“Oh, I don’t think so.” Lauren smirked and tugged her forward. “We’re not done with our walk yet, and I could still use your company.”

“You can’t be serious,” Holly pleaded. “God, I only started the conversation to get a reaction out of you. Can we not bring it up here, please? ”She yanked them to a standstill and stumbled backward.
Not to mention, I’m avoiding Zander for the time being. I’m not ready to tell him yet.

“Until I find out something I don’t already know, I think I could keep my worries to myself, including this conversation. Now come on.”

The house smelled of Pine-Sol and was immaculately clean. Near the back entrance where they walked in was a very modest-sized kitchen with a small table on the right. Skye immediately played the perfect hostess and offered them some refreshments. “Tiana’s still asleep, so I’ll just have to go wake her.”

“Oh, don’t bother if you’ve just put her down.” Lauren pulled a chair out and gestured for Skye to take a seat. “We’re not in a rush.”

“She’s been down for over an hour, so it’s probably best to wake her anyway.” Skye placed a mug of coffee in front of Lauren and a can of pop in front of Holly. “Make yourselves comfortable. I won’t be long.”

Lauren sniffed her cup appreciatively and looked at her charge over the rim as she took a sip. “Come on, Hol, loosen up.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She blushed. “I’m fine.”

“If you say so.” Her foster mother laughed, but the sound soon died, and she shot Holly a quick sympathetic look when Zander decided right then was a good time to enter the kitchen with company—female company.

Holly’s heart sank to the floor, and she swallowed the lump in her throat.
Do not freak out, damn it. You will not cry or get angry. Hold it together, stupid hormones. You don’t own him, and technically all you are is friends, and whose fault is that? Yours, dumbass.

“Holly?” Zander rubbed his eyes as if he thought he was seeing things.

The pretty girl following behind him grabbed for his hand. She had long blonde hair, big blue eyes, thin pretty lips, and a petite build. Beautiful, if you liked that underdeveloped look. Where Holly had curves, she was built like a stick. Small boobs, a flat butt—
don’t go there, grrr.
While Holly had been trying to reprimand herself for being so petty, the girl had to open her mouth. “Hey, Alex, what’s the holdup?”

Holly narrowed her eyes on their joined hands and looked up to see Zander focused on her. She gave him a crooked smile and then exhaled in disbelief. Things couldn’t have gotten worse right then, and she felt like such an idiot.
You’re not serious with him, remember? You told him you wanted to go slow, and you didn’t expect him to wait around forever, did you?
“Hello, Zander.”

Lauren turned to her and looked as though she’d put her foot in her mouth. As though she felt bad for bringing her along.

Zander’s “what are you doing here?” was met at the same time with the blonde beside him saying, “Zander?” as if the name confused her.

“We’ve come to pick up Tiana,” Lauren said and looked between the three of them, waiting for the drama to unfold.

That is so not happening.
Holly was beginning to perfect hiding her disappointment, was training herself to be a master at hiding emotion.
If only the hormones would let up.

He nodded. “It’s nice to see you’re feeling better.” He took a step toward her without realizing it, which made his “friend” huff in annoyance. “Uh, this is Lanie. She’s a—”

“A really good friend,” she interrupted, winked at Holly, and then rubbed her other hand against his chest. “And you are?”

“I’m nobody.” She looked at Zander again for a moment and looked away when Tiana came bouncing into the kitchen full of two-year-old energy.

Lauren scooped the little girl up and cleared her throat. “Holly, if you’ll just grab her bag, we can be on our way.” She looked at her with sympathy again, and Holly internally cringed. She hated being pitied and couldn’t wait to get going already.

“Yeah, sure.” She held her hand out to Skye to grab the bag from her. “It was a pleasure to see you again, Mrs. Harrison.” She turned around quickly to join Lauren in the yard but stopped at the door before stepping through it, then looked over her shoulder. “Zander.” She nodded, gave the friend another once-over, shook her head, and left without another word.

“Holly, wait!” They were just past his yard when Zander came running after her, and much to her delight—
Note the sarcasm
—Lauren waited with her to listen. “Can I see you later?”

Holly held her hands up and backed away. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Please, this is not what it looks like, and I think we really need to talk.” His hands fell to his sides.

Oh, you have no idea.
“I think we do too. Call me when you’re done with your friend.” Holly made air quotes as she said the last word. “Later.” She turned around and waved without looking at him.

She wasn’t even mad at him. More like, she was disgusted at herself for even thinking she could do a casual relationship.

Chapter Ten

“Will you let me explain?”

“Explain? I’m not in the mood, and now is not the time or the place for this,” she hissed. Lauren had asked her to run over to Jess and Sebastien’s house to drop off Tiana after babysitting her that afternoon. Jess just lived a few blocks over, and everything seemed to be fine until the moment Jess had invited her in and Holly noticed Zander was on the couch with his brother. Seeing him again made her heart race.

“Please, Holly, I’m only asking for a few minutes of your time. I miss you, damn it.” He shifted closer to her on the couch and held her hand, probably so she’d hear him out.

“Do you, really?” she said, her tone skeptical.

“I do. Can we go somewhere so we can talk?”

She nodded and held her hand out so he could help her up from her seat. Talking to Zander had never been a hardship, and he really hadn’t done anything wrong, so why not? The hard part would be telling him about her own confession, the pregnancy. She had no right to hide it from him. He deserved better because he really was a great guy. Holly took a deep breath to calm her nerves. “So where are we going anyway?”

He stopped as soon as they were outside and wrapped his arms around her so that there was no distance between them and said, “My place.”

“O-okay,” she stuttered. Having him so near was her undoing, and she was done fighting the chemistry between them. She just wasn’t a casual-relationship kind of girl, and Zander was worth the risk to her heart. He was unlike anyone she’d ever met. He tucked a loose hair behind her ear and gave her a quick peck on the lips before they were on their way again.

Her heart beat faster, and for a moment she actually felt serene, happy even.

Please God, don’t let me screw this up.

***

Pink and orange hues filled the sky with a warm beauty while the sun set. Holly wrapped her arms around herself and lifted her face toward the sky to soak in the last few moments of the sun before the chill of the night descended upon them. This was definitely not going to be an easy talk to get through. She just hoped they’d both be okay when it was done. Zander stepped up behind her, and she felt the heat of his body before he wrapped his arms around her from behind. The way she was drawn to him made her wonder if he had a magnetic pull, and it kind of scared her a little bit. Holly tried to enjoy the view as they were silent for a few moments.

“As much as I hate to let go, I think maybe we should sit so we can finally talk,” Zander said.

She hesitated a moment before taking his hand while they walked back to his house and sat beside each other on the patio.
This is it.

“First, I want to clear up earlier,” Zander said. “She was just a friend, nothing more. She has only ever been a friend.” He lifted their linked hands and kissed the top of hers.

“This isn’t any of my business, but does she realize that? I got the impression there was much more than a friendship there.” Holly held her breath and didn’t exhale until after he answered her.

“Not for a really long time, and we were never a couple.” His posture slumped. “Before today, I hadn’t heard from her in months. She just showed up out of the blue, but I swear nothing happened.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Holly shifted to face him. “So you and she were friends with benefits a while ago. I have to admit I didn’t like seeing you with her, but I don’t have any right to be mad. We’re taking things slow, remember?”

“That’s just the thing. I want to be with you, Hol. As in, I’d be staking my claim. You’d be my girlfriend, exclusive.”

“I’m actually kind of glad you said that. I’ve recently figured out that I’m not made for casual.” She bit her lip nervously. “I don’t even care about your friend anymore because I sort of have some huge news, which throws going slow out the window anyway. That is, if you don’t freak out and feel like you want nothing to do with me after this.”

“Okay, now you’re making me nervous,” he joked nervously, and playfully nudged her with his shoulder. “What’s up?”

“You probably should be.” Holly smiled weakly and then exhaled long and hard. “I didn’t want a relationship when you came into the picture, and I didn’t want to care for someone so much. But then there you were all sweet, caring, and persistent, and screwed up my original plans. So let’s get that out there.” She smiled and leaned into him. Her head lay on his shoulder, and she looked up at him, needing to be close. “That’s the best part, by the way, because I’m glad I’ve let you in. I care for you a lot. I’ve messed up, though. We both have. Do you remember the night at my sister’s?”

“How could I forget?” His eyes lit up and she snorted.

“It was a good night, huh?” She licked her lips just thinking about it. “Well, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately, so Lauren decided to take me to get a checkup…”

“O-okay, you were sick and…?” Zander’s brows scrunched together in confusion, but as if he sensed her discomfort, he gave her a quick reprieve to pull herself together before she had to spit out the big news. He captured her mouth. His soft, plump lips caressed hers, then he moved to nip and suck on her bottom lip. His tongue coaxed her mouth open farther, and she tasted his mutual arousal as he probed the slit of her mouth. One of her hands fisted in his shirt and held him closer while the other massaged his nape and into his hair. They both moaned in the heat of the moment, and she could feel his chest rise and fall more rapidly before he pulled away.

“God, I’ve missed this,” he said. “You get sick again and I’m coming over with some chicken soup and taking care of you.

“That sounds amazing.” She smirked. “I’ve missed you too.” Holly shifted so that she was facing him now and rested her forehead against his while they caught their breath.

“Don’t go home yet. Call Lauren and let’s recreate that night.” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

“You are such a goofball. As tempting as that sounds, I need to finish what I was saying before you distract me too much.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips and leaned back.

“But the distraction is so good. I can’t help myself.” He lifted a sexy, dark eyebrow in question. “Can we fool around a bit while you talk? I’m a great multitasker.”

“I’ll tell you what, if after I tell you everything I need to, you still want to fool around or more, then yes, we’ll go inside your place and I’ll make it worth your while.” She wiggled her brows back at him and smiled as she caressed the side of his face.
I just hope I don’t ruin things first.

“Deal.”

“Lauren might not be too happy if she finds out the truth.”

“Really?” He looked at her in shock. “I find that hard to believe after her and Shelby practically pushed us together.” He smiled and kissed the back of her hand. “Remind me to thank them for that one day.”

“I really hope you still feel that way after you hear what I have to say.”

“Quit stalling and just tell me already.”

“So you know I haven’t been feeling well lately, but what you don’t know is why she’s been on my case. She had some concerns that drove her to take me to the doctor in the first place.” She leaned way back in her chair and closed her eyes.

“Is she still hung up about the new apartment?”

“In a way, I guess, but right now what’s bothering her is her assumption that I might be pregnant.” She peeked in his direction to gauge his reaction.

He stiffened a bit on the seat next to her and sat straighter. “Wait, what?” He did a double take. “You’re not trying to—I mean…”

“No, it wasn’t my intention to get pregnant, but I’m late.” She eyed him warily and sat up. “Please hear me out.”

He grunted. “Late?”

Holly nodded. “Lauren put two and two together before I did. I thought it was the flu or something. Anyway, she practically dragged me to the doctor, and they did a test to make sure.”

“And this test was?”

“A light positive.”

“What the hell is a light positive?” He got up and began to pace.

“It means I’m really early in the pregnancy, so the lines were light on the test, but there were two there and the doctor told me she never gets a false positive. They took blood work too, so we’ll see how that goes.”

“Does anybody else know?” He stopped and threaded his fingers through his hair. “We were together only the one time.”

“Apparently, that’s all it takes.” She grimaced. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I haven’t told anyone yet. I thought you should be the first to know. I only found out the other day, and I wasn’t sure how to process the news myself. God, Zander, I didn’t ask for this. My life was complicated enough without it.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Shit, I’m only nineteen, Hol. What are we going to do about it?”

“I don’t know.” Then she changed her mind. “No, actually I do. The truth is, having a child actually scares the crap out of me. I’m not much younger than you.” It cost her a lot to admit her own fear, but she needed him to know it. “I can’t get rid of it. So please don’t ask me too.”

He watched her hand spread out on her lower abdomen and let his head drop in defeat. “I don’t know what to say. I-I need time to think.”

She stood outside with her mouth slack as Zander just suddenly left her there alone with nothing to do other than watch his back as he retreated inside. The screen door slammed closed and the rejection stung.
So much for being intimate. I just hope I didn’t ruin everything between us.

Throughout the night, Holly’s shock turned into anger. She felt as though all she’d been doing lately was defending herself or her decisions while everyone ganged up on her.

Screw them all!
she thought and decided she was determined to rise above everything. But it still didn’t help how much it hurt every time something bad happened, and God, she missed her mother more than ever.

***

“I hope you never die.”

“I will one day, honey, but let’s hope that day doesn’t come for a very, very long time.”

“I never want that day to happen. I need you here forever.” Holly watched her younger self lunge across the couch to embrace her mother, remembering how she felt completely safe yet utterly stupid in the moment. “God, I hate movies that make me cry.”

They’d just finished watching the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei flick Untamed Heart on the VCR, and Holly couldn’t help but get emotional. His death at the end was so sad. Stupid baboon heart.

“It’s a good way to get it all out.” Emma gave her arm a squeeze and laughed through her own tears. “I’ve always been a sucker for emotional love stories, though. This one may not have had a happy ending, but the love was genuine.” She sighed. “Not all of us are as lucky in love. When it happens for you, just promise me that you’ll choose wisely. Will you do that for me?”

“You can count on it.” Holly sat up again and turned to her. “You’re the best mom, and I love you no matter what.”

She could remember feeling as though her mother needed to hear that and longed to be back there again as she watched herself in yet another dream that felt so real. From across the room she tried to will herself to get closer. If only she could give herself a warning of what was to come, the outcome might be different. If only she knew in a few short weeks she’d be forced to say good-bye for good.

Her transparent hand shot forward just as her mother spoke again. “Me too, baby, me too.”

Just as she felt as though she was being sucked away, her younger self looked straight at her as if she felt her own presence, looking curious yet confused. The blackness took hold, and she felt a complete emptiness inside of her, numbness, before hearing a faint whisper in the distance.

“Life is what you make of it, but sometimes the outcome is beyond our control. Be careful, baby.”

“Who’s there?” She was trying to look around the black cloud of nothingness when a bright light blindsided her back into consciousness and her dream was all gone in a flash.

She gasped for air, clutched the sheets in a cold sweat, and could have sworn her whole body jerked as she awoke from the good but also really creepy dream.

Could she call it a nightmare? Not really. The events she recalled in the dream had actually happened about three weeks before her mother died. What chilled her most was the eerie feeling she got at the end of it, and it still lingered in the room. Was she hearing things? Making something out of nothing again?

***

The move out of Lauren’s couldn’t come fast enough. Everyone’s temper seemed to worsen, including hers, and Lauren and Andrew’s marriage seemed to be getting worse. They argued constantly, and Holly felt as though she was back to walking on eggshells whenever they were around. No place was going to be home until she made one on her own, and she could only hope that a little peace would come into her life soon. She felt as though she’d hit rock bottom again and longed to feel complete once more.