Chasing After Infinity (26 page)

I listen to the slow pitter-patter of raindrops from my car as I lift my face to the dark sky, welcoming the rain soaking me. I’m leaning against the hood of my car, smiling against the dripping water. Mist surrounds me as I watch the dark waves cascade against each other. I can see my breath in the air as I’m parked on the boardwalk. The vendors and concession stands are all empty and there is no one around. The ocean drags the sand back and the dark waves are surging over the rocks and shells.
The wind is ruffling my hair and making my eyes water.

The night sky is an inky blue with wispy clouds and the lights from the nearby street lamps cast an iridescent whitish glow over the water.
The beach at night time is almost ethereal. The sharp smell of salty fresh air hits my nose and I breathe deeply in.

I fling my wet hair back, letting the rain pour over me, feeling like I’m being rid of my past, my insecurities. I close my eyes and I suck in my cheeks and blow them out.

Then my phone suddenly rings. I wedge it from my pocket and blinking away water, I see that I have nine voice mails.

I’m about to put it back into my pocket where it belongs but I press the button.

Beep.

“Adrian here.
Did you skip another day of school? Didn’t know you were a troublemaker. Call me back, mm?"

Beep.

“When you’re done moping around, call me.”

Beep.

“Are you never going to pick up? Usually when I call a girl, they call back within five minutes. At least tell me where you’ve disappeared to.”

Beep.

“Where are you?
Avena
, you can’t keep escaping.”

Beep.

“
Avena
, pick up.”

Beep.

“
Avena
."

"
Avena
.
AVENA."

Blurring vision, I turn my head to the source of the voice, searching for its owner.

That’s when I see him, standing in the middle of the boardwalk, looking at me, his phone pressed to his ear.

My phone slips from my fingers and falls to the puddle of rain.

“Why won’t you answer your phone, you stupid woman?”
Adrian advances towards me, his dark hair hanging wet, eyes like blazing honey green. “I’ve called you—“

Without a word, I fly to him and hug him. He is stiff at first but he wraps his arms tighter around me as I press my face into his jacket, the icy rain like pine needles hitting me. His warmth is easy to fall into as I close my eyes.

“Adrian,” I say into his chest.

“Jesus, you’re shaking,” Adrian says, taking off his leather jacket and wrapping it around me. I hold onto him tighter, letting the rain slick down our bodies.

“I’m not cold,” I mutter but my teeth chattering give me away. My body feels numb from the cold.

He rests his chin against my head as I press my nose into his collarbone.

I feel like I’m wiped and drenched clean of everything, like all the dirtiness and badness has gone down the drain. That’s the effect that Adrian has on me.

He looks like a different person now, his hair is all wet and hanging in strands around his face. “You don’t look like Adrian,” I say.

“Well, you don’t look like yourself either.”

Maybe that’s the effect of rain. The way it drizzles everything into a blur and distorts things so that lines blur into each other.

I look up at Adrian and find him studying my face as if he's trying to memorize it. When my eyes meet his, he doesn't look away or say something to break the moment. He just gives me a brief rueful smile that makes me go still.

He traces my cheek, his fingers lightly touching my neck. His eyes look like hot embers beneath his lowered lashes. I can feel something surging up and consuming me. I feel like I'm losing control.

Adrian sweeps my wet hair to one side and softly, he leans in to tilt my head. I slowly close my eyes as his icy lips meet mine and I have no other choice but to relax and let the past pour out from my soul-the fading phantoms from before. I've dug my way out from the pit, chasing away all of my demons.

With the heavy rain melting with snowflakes sheeting all around us and the slow burning ache unleashed, I kiss him back, feeling as if we're in a dissolving world. As if we're on the brink of something indefinite. As if I'm sinking deeper and deeper into something that has no exit.

one
month later

December is here. Finals are done at last. It's like everything is washed anew and I'm drawing strength, to never dwell on the past.

It's what got me through.

When people ask me how I got involved with Adrian Huntington, I say I don’t know. And it’s true. One moment we’re dead set against each other, I’m fighting against him, hating him with passion, and the next, I’m kissing him. I scorned those who were with him and now I’m next in line. It’s scary how everything can turn one-eighty so quickly.

I never meant for us to be thrown into a half relationship. During the two weeks, we hung out in the empty stairwells afterschool when everyone had left except for the janitors, kissing on top of the steps. We
both needed each other---to block the numbness from our empty chests and fill the void with something.

At class, we ignore each other and that’s perfectly fine with me. I never wanted or expected something real from him and that’s the way we both worked.

I will never fall in love, I vowed. Not since Brent.

It’s easy to keep that promise with Adrian.

It’s an early December night and I’m in my room, doing some overdue homework from science. It’s not until I hear something outside my house, some kind of noise, that I pause my writing and start towards the window.

I unlatch the window, letting the coldness seep inside. As I peer down, I see a dark silhouette on the ground. I squint, wrapping my jacket tighter around me.

“Adrian?” I call down.

The silhouette looks up. “Is that you, pet?”

I bite my lip from rolling my eyes. “What are you doing here? My dad is going to freak if he finds out that you’re here.”

“Where is he?”

 
“Downstairs, watching the Leafs game.”

Adrian beckons me over. “Are you coming down?”

 
“What?” I yell to him. “Are you crazy? I’d get killed.”

His arms are spread open, as he looks up at me. “Trust me, you won’t get hurt. I’d break your fall.”

“I’d sue you if I die.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because you’d be dead anyway.”
Adrian shrugs. “It’s now or never.”

I glare at him. “Adrian Huntington, I’d kick your ass when I get down!”

“I’ll catch you,” Adrian says into the dark.
“Jump.”

Feeling like a Disney princess and quite moronic at that, I shove open the window and it moans in protest. I slip one foot out carefully. I place it on the ledge and crawl out completely. Keeping my fingers tightly gripped onto the windowsill, I lower my other foot to the ledge as well. Then I peer down and suck in a large breath. It was almost dark out there, save for the distant light of my room.

Chanting my mental mantra of
don’t look down
, I turn slightly, and let go, jumping outwards away from the house. For a few seconds, I’m air-borne and wind blows past my ears. And then just seconds before I hit the ground, I smash into a strong and solid body, his arms wrapped around me.

Adrian’s sea green eyes laugh at me as he holds me shivering to his chest as I breathe shakily, inhaling in his icy scent. “Hey, what did I say?”

I push him away and he stumbles back. “I’m going to kick your ass!”

Laughing, he deflects my blows as I try to strike him repeatedly and he takes me down with him as we fall to the plush snowy ground of my backyard.

Then I notice everything around me. “Hey, it’s snowing!” I say to him excitedly, feeling like a little kid again. I pick up some fluffy snow, the iciness melting inside my palm.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Adrian says. “It’s already December.”

To wipe that smirk off his face, I gather up a ball of snow and hurl it at his face. Totally caught off guard, he splutters and mops the dripping snow from his face. I start laughing and he grins evilly.

“You want to play, monkey?”

“Oh, yes,” I simper back and I recognize that sparkle in his eyes. Screaming, I jump up and immediately run to the other side. As I run, I pitch a wad of snow at him which he expertly dodges.

He flings one snowball back but I duck in time and it hits the nearby tree instead. Laughing, I pause to stick my tongue at him.
Childish but fun.

Finally, I run out of breath and collapse to the ground. My eyes widen when I see Adrian scoop up an armful of snow and come closer to fling it all on my head.

I shriek, darting away but not fast enough. The pile lands in my hair, the coldness seeping through my body.

He laughs at my expression of mixed anger and amusement.

“Now you’ve asked for it!” I yell, getting up and running over to ambush him. I jump, knocking him over and scoop snow in his face.

Adrian wipes the snow from his face; his cheeks are faintly pink from the cold. It’s my turn to laugh. I laugh until my stomach hurts and I fall into him.

I lie on top of him in the snow, both of us cackling like maniacs. I blink dizzying light reflected from the snow and smile. Adrian watches me with a sombre expression and then closes his crystal eyes. His dark hair glints from the glare of the snow. I breathe and just let everything go.

He grabs my waist, pulling me down, and I suddenly notice that I’m straddling him. My skin tingles but he doesn’t move. Our breaths make a cloud in the sky.

I feel his compact body beneath mine, the muscles lean and hard. His fingers trace the contour of my cheek, brushing my bangs away from my eyes.

Adrian whispers something but I don’t catch it because suddenly, I tilt my head to the side and notice the light being turned on in the house.

Then the coast is clear again as the light is turned off again, surrounding us in a wintry haze.

“Did you just say something?” I say to him.

“Your hair is beautiful,” he says.

“That’s
not
what you said,” I say, raising my eyebrow and nudging him playfully. “Come on, tell me.”

“Lips are sealed.” Adrian grins.

I cock an eyebrow.
“Spill.”

He grabs me round my waist, giving me his come-hither look, his eyes half-lidded. “Maybe I need some persuading, mmm?”

Adrian presses his cold lips against mine, tasting like flurry snowflakes. I try not to think about the worming feeling in my chest that has been there since Graham. I push it out until it's just me and Adrian.
His breath is warm and I’m seeking the heat in his mouth. We’re kissing in the snow and he rolls me over so that I’m beneath him. I grab his jacket collar, smiling against his lips.

“
Your
hair still has snow in it,” I say, running my fingers through his thick dark hair, getting the snowflakes out.

He kisses my earlobe and I squeal, trying to push him off, laughing.

And suddenly, I see the lights being turned on again and a shift of curtains.

“Now go.” Adrian pushes himself up and I get up, brushing snow from my back. “I’ll come by later, keep your window open.”

Smiling silently, I watch him get into his car before heading back inside.

***

It’s close to midnight when I hear the distinct tap
tap
of my bedroom window. Adrian. Still wide awake, I shift the sheets away and crawl out of bed, moving to open the blinds.

He’s standing outside my window, looking desolate and wild. I see the dark green of his eyes even from a distance and I put a finger to my lips, laughing silently to warn him that my dad’s still sleeping. He grins and I move to help him climb up but he’s already there, leaning in and yanking me nearly out of the seat.