Chosen Child (18 page)

The words came tumbling out. ‘Oh, forget it, I know whose
kid Jaden is. What I don’t know is if I can ever feel like family with Soraya.
She’s so – awkward. I know I said I was happy to have her but that was - ’

That was because he’d been so bloody guilty about having an
affair.

‘That was before I realised I don’t want her, Ella. I don’t
want her.’ The whisky glass slid through his fingers and cracked on the wooden
floor. Glenmorangie oozed between the boards, glinting on shards of Edinburgh crystal.

The sound of feet scampering upstairs broke the silence that
followed. Ella’s eyes were appalled as she stared at Rick, but all he felt now
was fury that his life was so totally out of control. He had fucked up and no
mistake.

And Soraya had heard every word.

Saturday 28th June

‘Me and Mummy went to the cinema last night. We had a huge
bag of popcorn and chocolate cornets too.’

‘Lovely. What film was it?’

Amanda listened as Soraya chattered on. They were in her
kitchen, where she was making macaroni cheese and the children were sitting at
the table with crayons and paper. Amanda’s heart melted when she glanced up
from grating cheese. Jaden’s little face was beaming; he loved having Soraya
here.

‘Daddy didn’t come because he was working but I think he was
just cross,’ said Soraya, coming to hover at Amanda’s elbow.

Left alone, Jaden screamed in his highchair, and Amanda
lifted him to the floor. ‘Why don’t you two go through to the living room while
I get this in the oven, and then we’ll play together.’

The children ran off, Jaden clutching Soraya’s hand, and
silence fell in the kitchen. Amanda smiled. Her plan to get involved with
James’ – Rick’s – family was coming along very nicely. Ella’d called at
lunchtime yesterday, saying she and Rick could use some quality time, and
asking if Amanda could take Soraya for an hour or two on Saturday evening. The
vision of Ella informing Rick that his ex-mistress would be looking after his
daughter was a satisfying one. How did you react to that, Mr Disappearing-Act?
she wondered. I hope you’re enjoying your date night. Needing quality time
sounded as if there was trouble in Rick’s marriage, and serve him right too.
And best of all, according to Ella they would pick Soraya up on their way home.
Both of them. That was a situation waiting for a good idea Amanda hadn’t had
yet. She slid her dish into the oven and closed the door with a satisfying
bang. What was Rick doing now, out with his wife in a nice restaurant?
Depressed, Amanda sank down on the chair Soraya had vacated.

They’d destroyed each other, she and James – Rick. She had
to get used to thinking about him with his real name; using a stupid alias made
it feel like play-acting, and they’d done enough of that. Remembering the lies
she’d told the police still made Amanda feel queasy. The affair had doomed her
already shaky marriage, and now it seemed Rick’s was in trouble too. Serve him
right.

Amanda stirred uncomfortably. Three children as well as
three adults were involved here, and they were all going to get hurt unless she
planned something very, very clever. Or rather, some of them were going to get
hurt no matter what happened. All she could do was make sure her own kids
stayed safe.

The macaroni cheese went down well with both children, and
Amanda allowed Soraya to help bath Jaden, which ended up being a lot messier
than usual but a lot more fun too. She parked the little girl in front of the
television while she put Jaden down – he fell asleep in minutes, tired out by
his visit. Soraya should come more often, thought Amanda, closing the bedroom
door.

‘What can we do now? I don’t want to watch TV,’ said Soraya,
bouncing up and down on the sofa.

Amanda gazed round for inspiration. All she wanted to do was
blob. Heaven help her if her own two were as exhausting as Jaden and Soraya.
Her jewellery box was still on the bookshelf, and she lifted it and plumped
down beside the little girl. Soraya was intrigued, and they spent a pleasant
half hour trying on bracelets and chains. Amanda found herself hoping the baby
would be a girl. This was fun, a nice girly time.

Soraya lifted the lid from the bottom section and too late
Amanda saw Rick’s St Christopher still lying there. She’d forgotten all about
that. Would Soraya…?

‘Daddy’s got one like that. He was wearing it at the party.
Is this yours?’ Soraya lifted the chain and swung the medallion round. Amanda
grabbed it before it hit her in the face. Time to talk about something
completely different.

‘It was my husband’s. A lot of men have one. Look, try this
bracelet. My godmother gave it to me when I was eighteen.’

Soraya wasn’t to be distracted. ‘Mummy said it was a St.
Christ or something.’

‘St Christopher. He’s the patron saint of travellers.’

Soraya bent over the gold disc. ‘Pro – te – ctus. What’s
that?’

‘Protect us. It means when they wear this, people think St
Christopher will keep them safe.’

‘Did your husband think that too?’

Amanda swayed on the sofa. But the child hadn’t meant to be
cruel. ‘He – um, yes, he always wore it. That’s why I keep it. To remember him.
Want to try this bracelet? They’re real emeralds.’

Soraya was polishing the medallion on her sleeve. ‘There’s a
mark on it. My daddy’s has – emeralds? Are they jewels?’

Amanda sagged in relief as the St Christopher was abandoned
in favour of the emeralds.

They were sorting through earrings when Jaden’s sleepy voice
called out, and Amanda closed the jewellery box. She rushed through to the
kitchen for a yoghurt to keep Soraya occupied, and crept back into Jaden’s
room, where she sat rubbing his back until his eyes closed again. Leaning
forwards made her jeans tight round the middle; in a couple of weeks her
pregnancy would be obvious – and what did she think about that? People were
getting used to her as ‘the woman whose husband fell into the ocean’ – soon
they would be thinking of her as ‘the pregnant woman whose husband fell into
the ocean’. It wasn’t an alluring prospect.

Back in the living room, Soraya was watching cartoons, and
Amanda went to clear the kitchen. A few minutes later her mobile buzzed.

‘We’re walking up towards your building,’ said Ella. ‘I
didn’t want to wake Jaden with the doorbell.’

The perfect plan flashed into Amanda’s head. She needed to
speak to Rick, alone, and there was an easy way to achieve this. Enter the
helpless little woman…

‘I’ll bring Soraya down, shall I? Did you have a nice time?’

‘Great, thanks.’

Ella’s voice was anything but enthusiastic and Amanda
nodded. There was definitely trouble in Paradise, and she was about to add to
it as far as Daddy was concerned.

Ella was just outside, but Rick was several yards away on
the pavement when Amanda opened the street door. She smiled to herself. His
face was thinner than a few weeks ago. For a second she wondered if she was
doing the right thing, then Jaden’s voice crackled through the baby monitor in
her hand.

‘Bye, Soraya love, you were a big help to me tonight,’ she
said, smiling at Ella then raising her voice. ‘Rick, can I ask you a favour – I
need to change the filter on the air-conditioning but the catch has jammed - ’
His face was stiff and Amanda turned back to Ella. ‘Can I borrow his strong arm
for a minute?’

‘Sure. See you at home, Rick.’

Amanda ran back upstairs, the sweat of fear damp on her
back. Rick was right behind her – would she be able to carry this through?

‘What are you playing at, Amanda?’ His voice was higher than
usual.

‘Hush. Let me see if Jaden’ll go back down. Help yourself to
a drink.’

Amanda stayed in Jaden’s room for several minutes, although
the little boy wasn’t really awake.

Rick glared when she joined him in the living room.
‘Congratulations. You’ve got your way – I’m here. What do you want?’

Amanda patted her belly. ‘To remind you our baby’s in here.’
She saw him wince. Ah – that had struck a nerve. Maybe he wasn’t as indifferent
to the baby as he was making out.

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I think I do,
Rick
, and I think I
want a whole lot more support than you’re giving me, too. And you’re going to
help me, aren’t you? If I mention to the police what happened to Gareth they’d
soon make you tell what you did with the body. And it’s your word against mine
that it was an accident, isn’t it?’

He blinked at her, and she noticed his eyes had somehow sunk
into the dark circles surrounding them.

‘How much?’ he said, his voice quite unlike the voice she
remembered as James’. It was Amanda’s turn to wince. What had happened to her?
The start of the affair had been as much her fault as his.

‘I don’t want money,’ she said, stepping towards him.

The kiss was as passionate as any they’d ever shared and oh,
being back in his arms was everything she’d ever dreamed of.

After a few moments he broke away and stared at her, eyes
wide. ‘Do you want to destroy me?’

Amanda’s heart was thundering under her ribs – would the
baby feel it? ‘Of course not. All I want is a life for me and my children and I
think that’s what you want too.’

He almost ran to the door. ‘I don’t – I can’t – I’ll have to
think what to do. I’ll get some money to you.’

Amanda heard the outside door bang as he left the building. She
stood at the kitchen window as he went on up the hill. He wasn’t hurrying now,
was he, it was clear poor Rick was in no hurry to get home. Next time it would
be more than a kiss, she thought. He would come back to her. And she would make
him tell her where Gareth was. Satisfied, Amanda poured orange juice and took
it back to the sofa.

It was all still there between her and Rick. Poor Ella, and
poor Soraya; they were going to lose him.

Idly, she lifted the jewellery box and began to organise her
pieces back into their usual places. Soraya wasn’t a girly girl in many ways,
but she loved pretty things. There. The top was tidy again, and all they’d
looked at from the bottom section was –

Amanda lifted the lid of the smallest compartment and the
shock made her heart beat as swiftly as when she and Rick had kissed.

The St Christopher was gone.

Saturday 28th – Sunday 29th June

Ella rubbed her eyes, waiting for Soraya to finish her teeth
and get into bed. The evening had been a disaster from start to finish. Why had
it all gone so wrong? She’d booked a table at a favourite restaurant, one
within walking distance so she and Rick could have a couple of glasses of wine.
She’d chatted about holidays, old friends, and a load of other fun trivia all
through the meal, planning to start the heart-to-heart over coffee, when they’d
be feeling full and mellow and the waiter wouldn’t be bobbing around all the
time. But Rick had seen right through this and interrupted as soon as she
started.

‘Ella, listen. I don’t want to talk about it. Hear that?
We’ve had problems at work but they’re nearly fixed, and I know I’ve been a
pain in the bum at home, but talking it over and over isn’t going to help. So
leave it. Please.’

‘But Soraya needs -’

‘And maybe I need to think about something other than Soraya
all the time. Maybe I need a wife as my partner and not a mummy. I’ll have the
bill, please.’ This last was to the waiter.

And that had been it as far as Ella’s frank discussion was
concerned. It was all she could do not to howl in exasperation. Her family was
falling apart and she didn’t know what to do about it.

Soraya jumped into bed, the picture of a good child, and for
the millionth time Ella blessed the adoption party. She would never have
believed it was possible to love a child so much.

‘’Night, sweetheart. I’m glad you had a nice time with Jaden
and Amanda.’

‘I like Amanda better than Daddy.’

Soraya closed her eyes, and Ella perched on the edge of the
bed. Should she say something? But a late bedtime wasn’t ideal for starting
potentially complicated conversations. What had Soraya heard on Wednesday
night, and what had she understood? How cruel Rick had been, saying he didn’t
want the child. Even if it was the whisky talking, it probably had its roots in
the truth. That was terrifying. They needed to talk about Soraya as much as
they needed to talk about how to get their marriage back on track.

Ella sat stroking the little girl’s hair for a few moments.
She’d done this on Wednesday too, but Soraya had pretended to be asleep.
‘’Night, ’night, sleep tight, I love you,’ she said at last.

Soraya blinked sleepy eyes and gave her a wonderful smile.

Easing out of the room, Ella heard the front door open and
close. So Amanda’s filter had been quickly dealt with. At least Rick hadn’t
made it an excuse to stay longer and avoid further confrontation at home. Ella
stood on the upstairs landing, undecided. She was in a real lose-lose situation
here. If she went downstairs and tried again Rick might be even more infuriated.
If she went down and talked about the state of British beaches, he would have
won. And he was being ridiculous. They had to talk. Ella marched downstairs.

Rick was in the kitchen, sipping a glass of water. Ella sat
at the table.

‘Rick. I’m sorry but we have to talk about why you said
didn’t want Soraya. It was cruel – I’m appalled.’

He didn’t look at her. ‘I was drunk. Let it go, Ella. It was
bad luck she came down right then but she’ll have forgotten by now. I didn’t
mean it.’

Ella’s head reeled. Forgotten, her foot. All she wanted to
do was shake him and scream about his insensitivity, but… they could
not
have a big bust up. As it was – suppose Soraya said
something to Liz?