Christy: A Journey Tale (15 page)

“That don’t make no sense Jack. How can my
baby’s death be a gift?”

“I know it sounds weird, but just hear me
out. Why do bad things happen to good people? That’s one of the
oldest and one of the worst questions people ask. We’re all
sinners, Christy, and sin is sin. None of us are quote-unquote
“good people.” We are all tainted in the eyes of God. That’s just
the way it is. God doesn’t see people with qualifiers. He doesn’t
see people as good or bad, He just sees us as redeemed or not.
That’s why choosing to be redeemed, well that’s just about the
biggest choice we can make. We have to have pain, Christy. Now how
much pain is left to chance, but we have to have it because it’s a
package deal. To have the good stuff we have to have the bad.
That’s what they call the human experience.”

“It still doesn’t seem fair.”

“No, maybe not, but the race is not always to
the swiftest nor the battle to the strongest, but fortune and
chance happen to them all.”

“So that’s pretty much how it went and from
there we talked more about the importance of choices – that it’s
not about what happens to us as much as it is how we react to it. I
know you’ve probably heard all this before, but that doesn’t make
it any less true.”

“I know. He was like that me too. I don’t
think he really believed in destinies, so to speak. I think he
believed our life is more like a path, and it’s the choices that we
make that determine how well we follow that path. It seemed like it
was always about the journey with him.”

“Yeap, that was Jack all right. The worse the
choices you make, the more trouble you’re bound to get into. You
know, it’s kind of funny when I think about it now. At the time I
thought I was back on track, and the worst that could possibly
happen to me was over.”

“I do have to admit life got a whole lot
better for me after that. I think the talk we had really helped me
get my head on straight. I didn’t realize I hadn’t been as friendly
to folks as maybe I should, so I started to make more of an effort
to be more sociable. It was amazing to me how much their jokes got
a little funnier, their smiles brighter, and everything felt
better, like it should. I did start spending a lot more time around
people, but I didn’t completely forget about my thoughtful spot. I
still went out there every once in a while just to be alone, but
not so much anymore that people worried. Molly was still there for
me. Marty and Suzy Q, it made them happy to see me acting like my
old self again. I was right back in my old groove before I knew it.
That also meant that time began to pass the same way as it did
before. There was a cycle to things. That was for sure, just an
easy movement from one stage to the next. It wasn’t complicated and
it wasn’t fancy. It was nature and that’s just her way. Before I
knew it, three years had gone by like it was nothing. I was 18 and
in the eyes of the law that made me my own person. I was a
responsible adult, so they said. I didn’t really know about the
responsible part, but I certainly was an adult. They even threw me
a big birthday party and everything. It was great and I loved every
minute of it. It made me feel like an adult, not that I ever really
felt like a child. I had grown up fast, way too fast, but now I
knew that I had to continue to take care of myself, make good
decisions, and follow my heart. At least that’s what Jack told me.
When they asked me what I wanted to do with my life, my heart
answered for me. I knew I wanted to keep taking care of animals any
way I could. This was a new stage in my life and it was a big one.
Marty was great and pulled some strings for me at a local office
and I got a job as a veterinarian technologist. That was the
official title, but what it really meant was ‘chief gopher.’ Being
low man on the totem pole can be tough, but it’s even harder when
it’s your first job. It worked out ok, though. I still got to spend
a lot of time with animals, but mostly they were dogs and cats.
Horses were still my first love, but those other animals can be fun
too. I started out part time, but I also kept working at the
Community as well, for room and board. All in all it was a pretty
good deal. I was making money. I was doing what I liked. I still
had those acres to walk and I even started reading a few books, if
you can believe it. That was my life for about six or seven months
when Jack finally convinced me to kick myself out of the nest. I
went full time at the vet’s office, and Jack went with me to enroll
at Columbia State Community College. He even went with me to look
at apartments. Oh man, things were really starting to heat up. I
was taking on new responsibilities left and right. I have to admit
that the community college thing was bad enough, but moving into an
apartment scared the crap out of me. I honestly didn’t think I was
ready for it, but Jack convinced me otherwise. He asked me if I
wasn’t ready now, then when would I be ready? I didn’t have an
answer for him so that was that. He was right I think even though
there would come a time when I would blame him, but that still
doesn’t make what he told me any less true. As long as I did the
right things and made the right choices I would be ok. He
encouraged me to depend on myself, to have the strength to live,
and to learn on my own with no one else around. I would have to do
it sometime, and if I’ve got to do it eventually then why not now?
If I only knew then…well, you know. Anyways, I still didn’t have
any good reasons to wait, so I moved out one Friday night and spent
the weekend fixing up my new place. A little paint here and there
was all it needed, so by Saturday night I was set. I had my dancin’
shoes on and nowhere to go. I was all on my own, and I had no idea
where to start – that is to say until that little devil popped up
on my shoulder. He told me to go out and live a little, and that’s
exactly what I did. I went out and bought a pack of Marlboro’s, a
double cheeseburger with fries, and went out to the movies. It may
not sound like that wild of a party, but it was good enough for
me.”

“I don’t know about that. It sounds like a
lot to me. How was it to eat of the forbidden fruit after so
long?”

“Well,” Christy laughed. “It’s funny that you
should ask. The smokes made my head spin. The burger upset my
stomach and the movie was just plain dumb. All in all it wasn’t
exactly what I was expecting. The idea of it was so much better
than the thing itself.”

“Isn’t that so often the case; our
expectations our so much higher than reality.”

“I reckon that’s true. I have to admit to my
fair share of disappointments,” Christy said as she thought ahead
to some of the events that she would have to admit to Jennifer and
to herself. The thought made her wince and she changed subjects
fast before she gave too much away. “Anyways, even though it was
community college it was still pretty tough. They had a few study
groups going and whenever they were meeting, I was usually there.
Once again I had to start from the bottom. Most of the folks there
had gone to high school together. I told them I had dropped out of
high school, but I had just finished my GED. They didn’t ask a
whole lot of questions, and I was thankful for that. If I had told
them the truth, that I had went to school at the Community, they
just would have thought I was some kind of freak or something.”

“Why would they think that?”

“That’s just the way it is. Like I said
before, there’s a reason those folks all lived together. They
didn’t always have the most popular ideas. They lived outside the
mainstream, and that made them different. It was no big deal. I was
used to it by then, or maybe I was just used to the way people
would treat you if they knew you were one of them hippies from the
Community. I didn’t reckon I needed that kind of grief. Besides, to
tell the truth, I was getting real lonely. There were times when I
kind of knew what was going on in class, but I would show up to the
study group just to be around another warm body. Living on my own
was tough. I mean it was a lot harder than I ever imagined. I just
don’t do alone real well. I never have. I would come home from work
to a dark room, throw a box in the microwave, and turn on whatever
nonsense was playing on the TV. Night after night those four walls
were feeling awfully small. It was dragging me down, and I just
didn’t know how to deal with it. I ended up going to bed early to
escape it, or I would go out to a late night restaurant, order
coffee, and study my textbooks for hours. It was kind of funny in a
way. The other kids in my class were amazed that I was always
caught up on our reading assignments. I just didn’t have the heart
to tell them I didn’t have anything else better to do.”

“How long did that last? Did things
eventually get better for you?” Jennifer asked with concern. She
was afraid this story would have to take a turn for the worse.

“I don’t know if things got better, but
things changed at least. I guess it all depends on what you
consider better. As time passed, I got to be pretty good friends
with some of my study buddies. We started going out together on the
weekend to parties or clubs. It just depended on what their mood
was at the time. We would go up to Nashville or Murfreesboro, and
we would have a good time. It took me a bit to get used to going
out like that. I’ll admit I was a little nervous at first, but I
was so starved for company I would take any that I could get.”
Christy paused and stared at Jennifer sizing up her expression.
“You know where I’m going with this?”

“I think so.”

“Then I’ll save you the graphic details.
People into bad stuff have a way of rubbing off on to you whether
you like it or not. That’s the plain and simple truth of it. I was
too eager to say yes when what I really should have said was no.
No, I don’t want to. No, it’s getting too late. There are a million
different no’s and millions of other excuses I should have said. I
just wasn’t planning on any of those Yes’s landing me in the county
jail.”

“Jail? What did you do to get sent to
jail?”

“Are you kiddin’? There were a hundred
different things I did to earn myself a trip to the pokey. At least
this time it wasn’t me on hook. We were doing our best to kill
ourselves that night and callin’ it fun. There were four of us in
the car, and a cop clocked us at 95 on a straight stretch coming
down from Columbia. We all blew over the limit, open containers in
the car, and I think a few other things too. It was pretty bad, but
in the end the driver took most of the fall in the eyes of the law.
That didn’t keep them though from locking us all up, and that’s
where I spent the night.”

“Did you have to post bail or anything like
that?”

“Not exactly, I did have to pay a fine which
I didn’t have the money for. They told me they would have to
garnish my wages, and I just told them ‘whatever.’ I had a hangover
so bad I didn’t care what they said as long as I could get out of
there. Before they would let me leave, I had to sit through one of
the longest lectures I think I’ve ever heard. I thought I was never
going to get out of there, but to be honest looking back on it all
I can’t say that I blame him too much. He was just trying to help
me, and of course, he was right. Everyone was right. I should have
known better, but more than that it should have been a wake-up call
for me. It should have scarred me straight, but I still couldn’t
find my way to saying no. I liked being part of the crowd. I liked
going wherever the night took me. The problem was that more often
than not it took me into trouble. After the whole jail thing, I did
start staying home a little bit more, but that didn’t last long. I
was barely hanging on at work and I was failing the class I was in.
My life was spinning out of control and the more out of control I
felt, the more I went out. Of course, that only made the problem
even worse. That was my life then, a merry-go-round of highs and
lows. The more I lived it up to feel better, the worse I felt the
next day. I was so sick of everything. I hated my life, but I
didn’t think I knew how to do anything different. I was out of
control, and I reckon people began to talk. I guess I was waiting
for it to happen and after a few weeks it finally did.”

“Jack came to visit me early one Sunday
morning. I don’t know how, but I guess he figured what kind of
shape I would be in which is why he chose that particular time. I
also think he wanted to see if what everyone had been saying was
actually true. As it turned out I certainly didn’t disappoint him.
Well, maybe I did I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I
have no idea how long he had actually been out there knocking on
the door waiting for me to answer, but I figure it must have been
quite a while. I was passed out on the couch and his knocking had
gone on for so long that it had become part of my dream. Anyways,
when I did finally open the door I did it in a burst of curses that
ended as soon as I saw it was him. That had to be one of the oddest
experiences of my life. I mean, I just instantly shut my mouth and
hung my head in shame. He passed through the open door behind me
and into the living room turning on the lights as he went. When I
turned around to look, I couldn’t believe I had never noticed how
nasty the place was until he walked in. When he hit that switch on
the wall it was like the night sky on the 4th of July. Oh, I had
clothes everywhere, dishes, empty bottles, half-eaten food no
telling how old, and anything else you can imagine. It was
absolutely disgusting. Now, I was never much of a house keeper,
mind you, but even by my standards no self-respecting animal would
have lived in that place. Over the last six months, I had also
begun to pack on the pounds, and at the same time I don’t reckon I
looked too healthy.”