Clockwork Romance (11 page)

One day, I had so much resentment, I didn’t think we would last another day, and we didn’t. She was trying to say something to some extent, when she said something that really set me off.

“Be a fucking man, Luke!” she screamed.

After that day, we’ve never seen or spoken to each other again, but her influence seemed to still linger in me. I believe she had desensitized me and robbed me of feelings. After
Kimberly, I no longer wanted to be in a relationship, just find a girl for a quick time, and then have that be it. That’s precisely what I did for the next year and a half. I can even remember the first time I told a girl to get out, right as we, or should I say, I was finished.

But eventually I started to change again. I began to hate myself, wanting more out of life. I used to see couples walking around, making me angry, because I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with anyone anytime soon. Everyone had such normal lives, and there I was, a drug dealer and a womanizer. I began to have trouble sleeping, sometimes not being able to fall asleep until the sun was already up. This continued until one night, I met a blonde angel named Bibi.

I had an epiphany that night. I needed to change. Everything. All these roads that I’ve been down have led me to today. They’ve led me to the one woman I belong with. The woman whose bed I am lying in at this very moment. Karina.

Chapter 9

I believe it’s morning now, and I’ve just woken up. I don’t really know for sure what time it could be, since I’ve yet to open my eyes. I can tell that I am lying on my back, facing straight up towards the ceiling. At some point during the night, I must have let go of Karina’s hand. Laying like this makes me feel like I’m alone again, so I take my arm and wrap it around Karina, who’s snuggled up under the covers.

I begin to slide by hand up and down her body, squeezing the blanket tighter as I go along. With my eyes still remaining closed, I can smell her there, m
aybe it’s some kind of perfume.

As I’m doing this, I realize I need to control myself. She may very well still be sleeping. I don’t want to wake her up. I’m just getting ahead of myself. Instead, I think I’ll just get up, or better yet, just lie here and wait for her to wake up. Before that, I decide to give her a go
o`d morning kiss. As I reach my face closer to her, I’m still not close enough to reach her. She must be almost resting her head on the mattress instead of the pillow. I open my eyes so that I can see her, but I’m shocked.

There’s nobody in the bed with me. I pick myself up, still lying in bed, but with my right arm propping me up. I was hugging and caressing nothing more than the blanket. But it felt like she was there. I could smell her.

After seconds of confusion, I could hear the shower running in the other room. And just as fast as I noticed, it shut off. Karina must have been taking a shower this whole time, which made me feel a bit foolish. I locate the clock in the room to find out the time. It’s shorty after eleven.

While waiting for Karina to come out of the shower, I decide to put my pants back on. I hear the bathroom door open as I’m sitting on the e
dge of the bed rubbing my eyes, attempting to clear my head of morning grogginess.

“Oh hey, you’re up,” Karina said to me. I turned my head to her as she continued, “The shower didn’t wake you up, did it?”

“No,” I answer, “I was already up before then.” Karina was wearing nothing but a white towel covering her body. Her hair was still damp, making it appear wavy. She begins to walk over to the window, or possibly her dressers, to pick out some clothes to wear.

“Do you have anything to do today?” she asked.

“Not today,” I responded, “How about you?”

“Nope,” she said, opening her dresser. “
It’s always so pretty outside after a night of rain. You think we could go to the park today? We can take that walk you were talking about.  It could be fun. But we definitely have to go to lunch first.”

“Sure,” I said, “I suppose I should go home and change. I should probably take a shower too while I’m at it. I’ll tell you what, I’ll go home and get ready while you can stay here and get ready too. I’ll be back to pick you up when I’m done. Hopefully it won’t take me no more than forty to forty-five minutes.”

“Perfect,” she said, looking at me with a morning smile.

I tell her, “And while I’m gone, think of a place to go eat, okay?”

“Okay.”

I put my shoes on and walk to the door, saying, “I’ll see you in a little while, Karina.”

Just as I was reaching for the door, Karina calls out, “Luke, wait.” I turn around and tell her, “What?” She walks around the bed and without stopping, she grabs my hips and we kiss. I put my hands on her bare arms and say, “See you in a bit.”

I open the door, hearing Karina say goodbye in a way that makes me feel like she was missing me before I was even out the door.

Once back at my apartment, I picked out some clothes to put on after my shower. I wanted to look nice, so I picked out a navy button-down shirt and a pair of khaki pants. I’ve never really had an occasion come up where I would need some expensive clothes, like a suit.

I was deciding whether or not I should wear a tie, when I noticed something. Two things, actually. The two chests where I kept my stashes of cocaine and heroin. I’ve said before that I needed to make a change and that time is right now. I told Karina I would pick her up in about forty-five minutes. It’s only been about ten. I think I can spare a few minutes to take care of something important.
I walk over to the chests and open them. I see nothing but my past staring back at me. The true longest relationship I’ve ever had with anything was with cocaine and heroin. Dealing it, at least. Now I can only think about all the money I will be missing out on, not to mention how many potentially dangerous situations I may face again.

Is it worth it? I can easily get a job or support myself on what I already have. It’s just that I won’t be having so much coming in in large amounts anymore. No more earning sixty-five thousand dollars in one day. I might, and I say might, have some money to spend on myself, or Karina from time to time. I think of the money I have saved up already. It’
s all in my closet in my storage room.

So I walk over there
, along with the backpack and throw it on the floor. I open the closet door, and sitting on the floor, covered what appears to be trash, was a safe. A combination safe. One that I was assured nobody would be able to break into. It’s not the kind you can pick up and drop on its corner, hoping it would bust open. I was told that it was one-hundred percent uncrackable. Perhaps no one would ever break into my home and go for the safe, assuming anyone would even know I had one. I have always been overprotective of my possessions.

I opened the safe, and inside led stacks of money. Nothing else but money. Maybe enough to retire. It has to be at least a hundred grand. That’s more than enough to last me the next decade, or at least I graduate and find a job. Plus, I have sixty-five grand sitting behind me in a backpack. I was originally wanting to save up and start a business, a legitimate one. I figured since I was getting a degree in business, I could think of something to do, but so far, I haven’t really thought if anything yet. I haven’t given much thought as to what I want my career to be for the rest of my life. Most of my time has been thinking about who I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I can’t very well impress or woo Karina with so much as an idea of what I would like to do. Perhaps I’ll think of something. Perhaps we’ll think of something.

All I do now is stare at multiple faces of a man who never president of the United States. It’s gotten past the point of thinking, to where now I’m only gazing, wasting time. I need to stop wasting what little time I have and act. I shut the safe, lock it, and head back into the other room. I go into the kitchen and grab a black trash bag from the cabinet. Both boxes open, I begin shoveling everything I have into the bag. I try not to think so much about it. If only there was a way to just shut off my mind while I do all this.

Still, I can’t help but to have one thought cross my mind. That would be all the money I’m missing out on. What if I could just sell everything I have all at once? No. All I’d be doing is digging myself a deeper grave. I don’t need to face another dangerous situation. I’m sure as hell not turning it into the police. That would just be a load of question
s I don’t feel like answering. Besides, the police aren’t really my favorite group of people anyway.

As soon as I empty the chests, I remember my personal stash that I keep in the drawer of my nightstand. I don’t think there’ll be any use for that in the fu
ture either. Once my apartment is clean, I tie the trash bag and head downstairs to throw it in the dumpster in the alley, appearing as a normal everyday person throwing out his trash.

I didn’t realize how brilliant of a plan this was. Now I’m really getting comfortable with the idea of change. I’m doing this for one reason, possibly two. One, I need to become a better man, and two, for Karina.

I don’t know how I will tell her, or if I will even tell her at all. The longer I wait, the worse she may react. I ponder the thought of having her never find out at all, and if that would truly be the best idea. For the moment, until I ultimately decide, that’s the way it is.

I could have thrown my entire stash away at any moment, but I guess I just never had the best reason. So far, I’ve just been holding out, mainly because I’m scared. I’d be scared either way, really. If I keep the drugs, I’d be afraid for both my safety and my relationship with Karina. The other way, by throwing out all I have, I’d be constantly worried about my financial security. But there’s always a way. No matter what, there is always a way.

My feet don’t slow down I walk to the dumpster, which just happens to be in the same alley as the lot, the one that holds my main stash. All I have to do is toss the bag in the dumpster and walk off like nothing happened. If someone finds it, who doesn’t happen to be a narc, they might have a pretty damn good day. Maybe it’ll be a dumpster diving hobo in need of a release. That ought to make him pretty happy. If not, the trash collector will pick it up and haul it off to the dump, where there could very well be more piles of illicit drugs hidden within piles of manure.

No one should pay attention to it anyway. I’ve got the bag tied. If it does get opened, someone might think somebody just threw away a whole bunch of flour. Yeah, right, like somebody would really think that. Personally, I think most peo
ple know drugs when they see it, whether or not they’ve actually seen it before. Cocaine and heroin might as well have the word “drugs” spelled out in the grains.

Once the bag is in the dumpster, half the solution is solved. What about the stash I have
in the underground cellar? “What to do, what to do,” I say to myself, nervously pacing towards the lot.

I need to hurry. I need to hurry up and get out of here. I still need to take a shower and get back to pick up Karina. I probably have less than twenty minutes left before my promise is
broken. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if I was a few minutes late, but I still like to be a man of my word. Moreover, this isn’t the kind of thing I want in my mind while I’m trying to have a nice afternoon with my girlfriend. I just called her my girlfriend. That just put a temporary smile on my face. However, my time is limited, but I have just encountered the spot where everything is buried. I stand and stare at it for a second, while I make a decision whether or not to unearth this door.

So far, all I see is dirt, grass, twigs, and foliage. I notice the handle of the shovel sticking out of the foliage as if trying to get my attention, and it succeeds. What am I going to do? Throw all of the underground stash in the dumpster as well? That will only create more of a problem if people start snooping around. Plus, it will take too much
time that I do not have right now to get rid of it all. I think for now, I will just leave it all there. But I cannot say the same for the shovel.

That too, goes right into the dumpster. Should I just leave the stash there forever? Can I just forget about it? I don’t know, but I take my keys out of my pocket and just look down at them in my open hand. Should I take the key off and throw it in the dumpster as well? Should I throw it as far as I can
, or should I toss it down the drain? If I do any of those things, there’s no turning back. I don’t have a spare, nor do I happen to have any bolt cutters lying around my apartment.

Then as I’m pondering, a certain unpleasant thought comes to me. What if my relationship with Karina doesn’t work out? That’s horrible to so much as to even think about. I’ve never been the kind to plan for future possibilities, particularly bad ones. But what if? What if it doesn’t work out? I’m still trying to change, right? What if something should happen that I need to get back into the cellar? I can’t do that without a key. Why does this have to so difficult to decide?

It’s like when people try to give up smoking. If you’ve been doing it for so long, it can present a problem when trying to stop. I’ve known people who’ve thrown away over half a pack of cigarettes and tell me that they’ve quit, only to find them not many days later with a cigarette held between two fingers. It takes strong willpower, not just the word that you’ve stopped. Talk is one of the cheapest things people can offer, as it isn’t even worth enough to buy trust from yourself.

All this only brings me back to the key, which is only getting heavier in my hand. I have every bit of faith in my relationship,
and when the time is right, the key will be thrown away as well. I just hope I’m not keeping it for some kind of subconscious reason. I don’t doubt anything that I’m not sure of, but I just don’t want to be alone and scared again.

Maybe I only need another word or two from Karina to get me to throw away the key. Nobody has to know the secret that lies underneath this dirt. Hopefully by the time someone stumbles across this door and discovers what it is, I will be long gone from here. I will have my new life somewhere in the suburbs with a family who loves me and whom I love as well. For now, the key will stay with me, but will never be used again. At least for my sake, I hope not. That cellar will now be nothing more than a part of my aforementioned past, with the rest of all the shit I need to forget.

It’s weird how the harder you try to forget things, the more it sticks with you. I’ve already spent about another ten minutes out here, and I still haven’t gone in and taken a shower. I don’t want to run. Running out of the alley in the middle of the day is never a good thing to do, so I walk as fast and normal as I am possibly able to. Back in the doors of the building, the air inside cools me down from the heat outside, as well as the sweat I’ve collected from nervousness.