Conflicted (Secrets and Lies) (42 page)

He was hard again as he started to grind slowly against me.

"Again?" I sputtered.

I bit my lip and met his measured rolls of the hip.

"Yes," Ethan grunted.

He lifted his head and rested on his elbows. Ethan rocked harder and I grabbed the blanket beneath me. My insides started to spark and flame through every inch of me. He drove deeper with each push. If this was what he needed, I wasn't going to stop him. All I wanted was to help him relax because he was starting to freak me out.

It didn't take long before he was completely hard and clearly on a mission. He drove against me at a pace more rapid than earlier. I grasped his chin willing him to look at me so I could try to figure out what was going through his head but he maneuvered my fingers away. Ethan kissed my hands as he brought them above my head again. My breathing hitched as I stared at him.

Every part of this was at his command. I wiggled my hands to free them but his clasp on them strengthened. His eyes drifted to mine with desire but there was something else. Something terrible was bothering him and it tore at me. It crashed with the heady feelings within me. I was with him physically but my mind focused on what was going on with him mentally.

His lips came down against mine begging for response and I gave it to him. As we explored each other's mouths, he slowed down from the rapid expedition he had been on and switched to gently twisting his hips. I stared at him trying to figure out what troubled him. It distracted me so much that he slowed to a near stop.

"Let it go," Ethan demanded.

"What!" I cried out.

My mind drifted from the room but my body trembled with the loss of friction.

"You're not here with me right now. Your mind is wandering. It's like yesterday. Either push it aside or tell me to stop all together because I won't do this with you when you're mind is elsewhere," he demanded.

"I'm here with you," I yelled.

The roughness he exerted when he started pushing again brought every part of my attention back to him. My mind no longer had any room to think about anything other than the dull ache he created with each thrust.

"Then be here with Mia. Stop looking for answers and be with me right now."

"Oh God, I'm here with you. Believe me I'm here with you," I shouted.

"Good," Ethan groaned.

I raised my hips and met him when he slammed against me. Ethan carried on to drive us to our release. My hands throbbed with the pressure of his grip. He looked me in the eyes demanding I do this with him. I nodded that he wasn't alone. He drove as hard as he could which my insides welcomed with the pleasure it gave me. I screamed out when my body found blissfulness again. The deep ache within me flamed out as an intense ecstasy took over every nerve ending within me.

"Fuck," Ethan shouted as he finished with his climax.

"I think we accomplished that in spades. Anything else you want to do today," I joked.

His lips came down to silence me. He remained inside of me as he attacked the inside of my mouth before somewhat separating himself from me. A bead of sweat prickled on his forehead. I wriggled my hand free from his grip and wiped it away.

"You're going to have to move eventually," I commented.

"I don't see you fighting me on it," Ethan retorted.

He deliberately rolled his hips as he stirred to life for more. I threw my head back into the pillow to find a rational thought. "You have a deal to finish. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll show you all the ways I can make you crumble with my lips alone," I reasoned. I ran my eyes down his chest so he fully understood the implication.

"You drive a hard bargain."

Ethan slid out while I continued to catch my breath. It made me happy that he agreed to my suggestion without getting pissed at me. I loved losing my body to him in this way. It was indescribable but giving into that side of us was becoming increasingly difficult with everything unspoken between us. I could only forget the world outside of us for so long before it penetrated against my skull. I scanned the room for my clothes so I could get home then to his office. What I wanted more than anything was a shower. I craved to wash away every part of the meeting with Harrison away. I hated myself so much for falling prey to him.

Yea, I want a shower. At least the water can clean everything on the surface. I need something about me to be fresh and untainted because my soul is black enough from the lies.

I dressed and located my purse on his dresser. He remained on his back on the bed still coming down from our heated romp. I sat down on the edge of the bed near his face. I leaned down to give him a chaste kiss. I squirmed away from his arms before he had a chance to pull me back down for another round.

"I'm going to head home to shower and change. I'll see you in a bit."

Ethan nodded and hopped up to walk with me. He placed a soft kiss on the back of my neck before pushing me further down the hallway as he veered into his bathroom.

"Take your time getting in today. I want you there in one peace so don't worry about being late," he said over his shoulder.

I grinned on my way out of his apartment. It dawned on me that the things he had said or done from the very beginning indicated that he had deep feelings for me from the start. He was always worrying about my well-being. As were most things these days, the warmness within me didn't last. Opening my car door, my cell phone buzzed with a text message.

I suggest you go to work today Mia. You're pressing your luck. You'd better get an invitation to this meeting by the end of the week or I'll show you just how malicious I can be. I expect you to confirm this much by Friday afternoon.

I tossed my purse inside before my stomach contents hit the concrete below. I held on to the car door to keep from passing out. My knees started to grow weak with the terror that raced along every nerve ending. I rested my head against my door and took deliberate breaths. I didn't doubt Harrison in the least and he proved that he had eyes on my every move. I eased myself into my car and started it to leave before I got any more threatening messages.

~

No one was up when I got home. I took a shower wishing for more time this morning. It was needed to dispel the high levels of self-hate coursing through me. I got ready in a flash to get to work as instructed by my text message. I hated that Harrison had such a deep level of control over my life. On my way to the office, I struggled to breathe against the deep pressure in the center of my chest. I had never experienced an anxiety attack. I wasn't ruling out what was happening right now as what one would feel like. I focused hard on anything but my life to ease the pressure. Pulling into the lot, I had calmed myself enough to be presentable in front of Ethan. I strode into his office without bothering to knock.

Ethan was already at work. He paused to give me a warm smile as I sat down. His earlier mood seemed to have lightened. I focused at the laptop that was ready for me. I located the proposal on the H drive. His upbeat mood drifted into my thoughts. It made me smile at what it takes for either one of us to relax.

"Care to share what you are thinking?" Ethan asked.

The corner of his eye was on me but his attention was on his screen.

"I remember asking you how things would be if we worked this closely together. I knew how difficult it would be to have restraint. Even laying out rules, we suck at adhering to them."

"I'm following your lead my dear. You tend to set the mood whether you realize it or not."

His eyes twinkled but he kept focused on his computer.

"Can you clarify something about this proposal?"

"Sure," Ethan responded as his face became unemotional.

"Why is this deal important to you?" I asked with caution.

He never clarified that yesterday and any phone call he took about this deal left him in angry state. The proposal was up on my screen for me to pick up where I'd left off. I edited while waiting for his answer. I was unsure of who typed it up but it was very half-assed at best. I pulled some other files to insert the spreadsheets, graphs, and tables that each department had compiled for this pitch. As I went to open them, other files on the drive caught my attention. I saw files assigned for Sean and Colin. For the hell of it, I clicked on Colin's and it opened to my surprise. I saw a document updated within the last few days that looked relevant to this mysterious meeting. I went to click on it but it was password protected.

No shock there. I know Jayden would look at this and lick his lips at the challenge of breaking into all the data within this computer. Gah! No, Mia. You have enough problems.

I continued scanning until I saw another file that was similar to the last one but it had been over a year since there was an update to it. I clicked on that one to run into the same issue with it. There was not a chance in hell that any file pertaining to illegal activity within this company would be wide open for anyone to review. Ethan drummed his fingers along the desk. I peeked over to see his face spreading into a shy grin.

"If it closes without issue, I'll be able to leave the company."

"I see. What..."

"No more questions for you. My turn," Ethan interrupted.

He pinched my mouth shut and I grunted tilting my head away from his grip.

"Will you come to Atlantic City with me?"

His eyes were full of hope. He slid his fingers across the top of mine stilling them from any further action on the keyboard. My heart skipped a beat at the question because it had a chance of being the invite I needed to get Harrison out of my life.

"Umm...when?" I inquired with my stomach somersaulting.

"It'll be when this deal closes. We're trying to agree on the day. There's some other business to tend to out there apart from this deal. Sean and Colin want to get it all done in one trip. It's why they're pressuring me so much. It agitates me because I have my own plans."

The pressure in my chest started to rise as if a cement brick was on it with no chance of removal. This was my invite. It would be one hell of a coincidence if it weren't it. I pushed aside the icicles coating my veins. I was a horrible human being for agreeing to his request because it was purely for selfish reasons. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my mess in my life.

"Sure," I whispered.

Ethan jumped up and crossed the distance between us in two strides. He brought his hands to my cheekbones as lips immersed mine. I hardly had time to react let alone participate in the kiss before he stepped back to look at me. His eyes were full of so much joy that it broke my heart. I never deserved to find anyone like him yet here I was agreeing to things without telling him why I was amicable to the request. His kiss left me barely breathing but my own self-disgust knocked the wind right of me. I tried to move away from him but he held me close. His fingers grazed along my cheeks. Part of me wanted to fall into his tender embrace and be happy with him. The other part of me needed separation. Each stroke he gave me sent shards of pain throughout my body.

"The life I've wanted for myself will be possible when this is over. I'll have you with me when I start that chapter of my life," Ethan whispered.

I wiggled out of his grasp and fell into the chair behind me. He returned to his seat.

My entire body felt like a bomb had blown through me. It took every part of my insides with it as it blew out the surroundings. I had to tell him. There was no way I'd let him think I was everything he ever wanted to start a new life with when I haven't been completely honest with him. As I opened my mouth to tell him, my friend's faces started flashing in my head in perfect sequence like a home movie. My mind flashed to every happy memory from the time Trey and I were children. It crossed over to the times I shared with Bri and Shane. It drifted to my first day of classes at the university and every moment on campus I spent with Jackson. It wrapped up with the last few months with all of us together at our happiest.

I snapped my jaw shut and focused on handling the twists of pain that were growing inside of me. My eyes went back to the laptop so that I could distract myself. I took in every ounce of agony that sliced within my pores while working on the proposal that would be everything Ethan needed to start fresh. I peeked at him to see a huge grin on his face. My heart sunk even more. I stared at the protected file for a while before moving more graphs into the proposal.

The rest of the day was very productive. It turned out that we could work well together when we focused. The only words between us were opinions I wanted on changes. Occasionally, he would ask for my thoughts on the actual pitch he was going to give with the proposal. I had no clue why he even asked at all. He didn't need my help. Ethan had one of the sharpest minds I'd ever seen on a person. If I had an IQ test, I'd say he was maybe a few points shy of genius. He had an uncanny ability to recall data and numbers that blew me away. I'd offer suggestions on different word choices but that was about it.

I glanced at the clock noticing it was well past six. We hadn't discussed spending this evening together. Frankly, I wanted to spend tonight alone. I wasn't ready to have his hands all over me. My body was far from finding neutral ground. I needed more time to silence the voices within my head that screamed every self-loathing comment conceivable. I deserved every one of them so it didn't seem right for me to escape it quite yet without some more penance for being so deceitful with him.

It terrified me that I was capable of this level of selfishness. I refrained from thinking about telling him anything because it only amplified every other feeling. I had no idea if he would want me after the truth came out. The prospect of being without him devastated me as much as harm coming to my friends. The inner conflict of the two slashed at every part of me.

I peered over at Ethan as he clicked across the keyboard stopping every few seconds to move the mouse to another area on the screen. I hated interrupting him when he was in this mode. I quietly cleared my throat. Our earlier discussion was still attacking every part of me. It left me raw and ripped open so basic mannerisms were a struggle.