Cop a Feel (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters) (16 page)

“S
o they did what?” I asked Steve, holding my cell phone away from my ear due to the fact he was screaming.

“They made twenty copies of all the notes, pinned them up all over my office, and shot at them,” he bellowed.

“They opened fire in your office?” I was shocked and actually surprised. “What did they hope to accomplish by that?”

“I have no fucking idea, but the local cops showed up and cleared the building. Those insane dykes hid in the air vents and are still in the goddamned building,” he grumbled.

“Do you think they just wanted some privacy?” I asked.

“They could have just asked,” he shouted. “This was the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever had. They are complete menaces.”

Luke sat across the room and listened to our conversation. He could have been in the other room and heard it, Steve was so loud.

“If they don’t figure this out, I will have them wiped off of every known roster that exists and then I’ll kill them.”

“Can you do that?” I asked.

“What, kill them?”

“No. Wipe their identity off the face of the earth.”

“Of course I can,” he huffed. “And if they keep this shit up, I will.”

Damn, I didn’t know Steve had that much power, but Luke apparently did. He sat quietly and didn’t move. Was that what had happened to him? That was awful.

“Before the firestorm, had they found anything?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, calming down. “Something about the order of the notes is important. They were onto something and then they opened fire and shut the fucking building down.”

“What are you going to do?” I asked. My eyes were drawn across the room to Luke, who had eased his leather pants down and was sitting with his dick in the wind. I gasped and laughed. What the hell was he doing and where was Shoshanna? I vaguely heard the shower running as Steve described in great detail what he’d like to do to the sisters, but I couldn’t focus on anything except the happy camper that Luke had released from his pants.

“I think you owe me something,” he said softly.

“What’s that?” Steve yelled over the phone.

“Nothing. I just have to get ready to go. Call you later.”

I hung up on my boss and raised an eyebrow at Duke LeHump.

“Come here, Candy,” he said in a voice that brooked no bullshit, and I almost fainted. My nipples hardened and a dance started in my lower abdomen. How did the man do this to me?

“We might get caught,” I said as I crossed the room and got down on my knees.

“Isn’t that half the fun?”

“You think having your mother catch me going down on you would be fun?” I teased.

“Look, I never went to normal high school or had a normal date or made out in the backseat of a car when I was a teenager . . . the least you could do is suck my dick while my mom is in the shower.”

“Oh my God.” I burst out laughing. I knew part of what he’d said was serious and it made my heart hurt, but the fact he was now referring to Shoshanna as his mom was hilarious. “I suppose I could help you out.”

I leaned in and took him in my hand. He was hard and smooth and perfect. I ran my tongue around the head of his cock and licked the small drop of pre-cum. He was salty and delicious. His head dropped back on the chair and he moaned his approval. His hands death-gripped the arms of the chair as I slid him into my mouth. His hips began an involuntary pumping motion as I took him deeper in my throat. God, I adored this man and I loved what I could do to him. His strong hands wrapped themselves into my hair, guiding me to his needs. Picking up my pace and realizing I would need to change my panties, I went to town using my hands, my tongue, and my lips.

“Jesus, Candace,” he hissed. “You are killing me. Faster, baby. God yeah, just like that.”

“So guys, you ready? I just need to pee and then we can sneak down to my panel,” Shoshanna bellowed from the bathroom. I almost choked on Luke’s dick . . .

I quickly disengaged as he yanked up his pants. I ran across the room and sat nonchalantly on the bed.

“Lipstick,” he told me frantically.

“What?” I whispered loudly.

“Fix your lipstick. It’s all over your chin.”

“Shit.” I grabbed a tissue from the box by the bed and scrubbed. “Better?”

“Yes, but my hairy balls are killing me. I’m not sure I can walk.”

“Well Mr. I Want to Get Caught by My Mom, you’re going to have to.”

“If I pulled down my pants right now, they’d be blue,” he groaned.

“What’s blue?” Shoshanna asked as she made her entrance. Holy shit, and what an entrance it was. She was decked from head to toe in purple leather with Minnesota Vikings decals placed strategically over her body. Her leather was nowhere as skintight as mine—
thank God,
but it was fitted and alarming.

“Nothing is blue,” I told her.

“Right,” Luke muttered under his breath.

“That’s an outfit,” I said, hoping I sounded complimentary.

“Thanks,” she preened. “It’s new. I normally just wear my sweats, but I figured since I was making you two lovebirds dress up, I should too.”

“What do you mean by lovebirds?” I demanded, wondering if I hadn’t got all the stray lipstick off.

“Nothing.” She grinned and waggled her eyebrows. “Come on, kids. I have a nipple clamp demonstration to do.”

We’d apparently been busted after all . . .

We made it to the conference room without incident. Luke was walking slightly bent over, but that was his own damn fault. The minute we hit the room, the entire audience of at least two hundred raised their hands in the air. Word had clearly traveled fast.

“Hello, my Street Walkers,” Shoshanna greeted her fans. Her legions of fans had named themselves
Shoshanna’s Street Walkers
and they were an obsessed and rabid group. They had online chat rooms and LeHump clubs all over the country. Shoshanna often visited and lunched with her fans. She adored them as much as they adored her.

The crowd chanted her name as she took her place at the front of the room. Grinning, she sat on the table, kicking her little legs back and forth and waiting for the din to die down.

“I am delighted to be here and I can’t believe how many of you came.”

“We love you!” someone shouted from the back of the room.

“I love you too,” she yelled back . . . and the room went nuts. I glanced over at Luke and he shrugged. She had rock star status here. It was amazing.

“Okay, calm down.” She laughed. “The panel today was supposed to be about fetish wear, but I thought a demonstration of how to correctly use nipple clamps might be fun.” The Street Walkers chattered excitedly.

“Now, I want you to remember that trust and a partner you can communicate with is imperative. What else are you supposed to have?” she asked her minions.

“A safe word,” a gal in the front said.

“That’s right, and what else?”

“After care?” a timid man on the side said.

“Absolutely,” Shoshanna said, giving him a thumbs-up. “But you also need education, and I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate. Everything that you do must be safe and consensual. Always.”

“Do you live the lifestyle, Shoshanna?”

“Nope, but I’ve studied it and taken classes with some outstanding Doms. Of course, when my Herm was alive, we did like a little spanky-spanky and a little tie me up action, but it was mild compared to what some others enjoy.”

“Are Haven and Michael going to have their baby?” someone called out.

Haven and Michael? Who in the hell were they?

“I don’t want to spoil anything, but . . . YES,” she shouted excitedly. “And Donna and Bruce are going to have a huge misunderstanding and JoJo will play a large part in that little issue.”

“Oh my God,” exclaimed a woman with a multicolored Mohawk. “I don’t think JoJo is a good influence. How can you do that to Donna and Bruce? Haven’t they been through enough already?” she demanded, pissed off. Luke stepped toward Shoshanna and she shooed him away.

Good Lord, they were talking about fictional characters. I thought they were discussing real people . . . wait, they were real people to them. Shoshanna was such a gifted writer that she gave her characters life and all these people were emotionally invested in her creations.

“It’s okay, Duke. Rose, here, is right,” she said, referring to the Mohawked fan. “Rose, you have to understand that Bruce and Donna are damaged, and to give them an easy happily-ever-after isn’t realistic and isn’t fair to them or you. They’ll have to work for it and their journey will be fraught with misunderstanding and heartache. Nothing worth it is easy. Hell, Herm was dating my sister when we met, and let me tell you, that was a clusterfuck.”

“What happened?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

“Well—” Shoshanna smiled ruefully. “I knew my sister wasn’t crazy about him, so I challenged her to a game of poker for him. I kicked her ass, she handed him over, and the rest is history. Okay, who wants their nipples clamped?”

We had no clue who was raising their hands, because all their hands were already raised. Shit. And then it got ugly . . .

The chant started in the back and got louder as more of the Street Walkers caught on . . .

“Duke LeHump. Duke LeHump. Duke LeHump.”

“Absolutely not.” Luke shook his head and stared out at the audience angrily. That did shut a few up in the front. Luke’s mean look was scary.

“Pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeee?” Shoshanna begged him with a sweet little grin on her face—and Luke caved. I think she actually had power over him. The fact that she was insisting on becoming his mother must mean a hell of a lot more than he was letting on.

The next thirty minutes were horrific. It was clearly demonstrated to me that never in my life would I let anyone put pinchers decorated with pink feathers on my nipples. Luke was a good sport, but he left the room with not only blue balls . . . he also had red nipples.

“Come on, guys,” Shoshanna said to Luke when it was over. “You have a pageant rehearsal in ten minutes.”

Luke froze and I swear he was going to cry. I stepped up behind him and palmed his asstastic butt.

“I’ll finish what we started earlier to make up for all this,” I promised.

“Blow job and you ride me like a cowboy while you wear the corset and those fuck-me shoes,” he bargained.

I paused and considered even though I knew my answer was a resounding yes . . . “I think that works for me,” I purred. “But we wait for Shoshanna to go to sleep and we do it across the hall in your room.”

“Did you set up monitors in her room?” he asked.

“As soon as we got here. You saw me do it.”
Holy shit,
that’s how Shoshanna knew we were fooling around . . . all she had to do was glance over at my TV, which I had left on, and she could watch the
Luke and Candy Porno Hour
.

Luke was struck by the look of horror on my face. “Oh hell, she did see us.”

“Beware of what you wish for, my friend. Beware.” I copped another quick feel of his butt and shoved him out the door, and the three of us went to the first pageant rehearsal . . . from hell.

M
oving quickly through the bowels of the hotel, we made it to the rehearsal without incident. The conference room was enormous, and a stage with a runway that extended out into the audience had been built. A giant glittering silver disco ball hung from the ceiling and wildly colored balloons littered the floor and the stage.

“Don’t you love the condoms?” Shoshanna squealed with joy. “I just adore the promotion of safe sex.”

“What condoms?” I asked searching the room. Thankfully, it was a small group. It should be easier to keep her safe in here.

“What do you mean what condoms? They’re fucking everywhere.” She picked up what I’d thought was a balloon and handed it to me. “Lick it. It’s flavored.”

“No. I’m good,” I said, quickly dropping the inflated birth control to the floor.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Luke groaned as he took in the room. “I’m a cold-blooded killer not a twerk-happy romance cover model.”

“I thought you didn’t know what twerking was,” I said, stepping over the condoms as we made our way to the front of the room.

“I don’t, but it seems to be the
in thing
and I certainly want to fit in,” he snapped sarcastically.

“It will be fine, son,” Shoshanna consoled him as she hustled on ahead of us.

“Why does she do that?” He shook his head, disgusted with himself. “It’s like Catholic guilt. She says something mamma-like and I do whatever she wants.”

“Well, I’m Lutheran so the guilt thingie is a little foreign to me, but she is a brilliant professor and clearly has manipulation down pat.” I glanced at him. He was lost in thought, halfway pissed off and halfway amused. Some part of him wanted Shoshanna to be his mother and the thought of disappointing her was bugging the shit out of him. He was as unused as I was to needing other people.

A large gal somewhere in her forties cleared her throat. She had pink hair and was covered in tats and wearing a business suit and high tops. “All right, boys. My name is Medusa Schmadden and I’m the pageant coordinator. Everyone strip down to your underpants and let’s begin.”

Luke turned white and I thought he was going to faint. “I’m not wearing underpants,” he practically whimpered. Medusa’s eyes narrowed and she stomped over to Luke.

“What’s your name?” she demanded.

“Um . . . Duke LeHump.”

“The contest contract you signed specifically stated that you would wear underpants to all rehearsals. I don’t know how much clearer I have to be. Leave your pants on for today, but I expect to see you in your underpants tomorrow or you can do the rehearsal in the buff. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Luke said with murder shining from his eyes.

Medusa took a shocked step back, turned on her high top, and marched away.

“Hey, Duke-man, she’s a total cow-bitch. Don’t listen to her. She hasn’t been laid in twenty years,” the gorgeous hunk named Jim told a furious Luke. “Just ignore her. I do. It pisses her off and she starts to pull her hair out. Last year we were so successful she was partially bald on the right side of her head by the end of the week.”

“Do you do these a lot?” I asked Jim. Luke moved quickly and placed his arm around my shoulders, staking his territory. I shot him an annoyed glance. He may as well have peed on me.

“A couple of times a year,” he admitted sheepishly. “It’s good money on the side. I also do about thirty or forty covers a year.”

“What’s your regular job?” I liked this guy. He was sweet and funny. My gay-dar was a little confused. I couldn’t peg him.

“Can you keep a secret?” He grinned and leaned in. Luke pulled me closer and I had to stifle a laugh.

“Yes. I’m very good at that.” I elbowed Luke. He grunted and backed off.

“I’m a writer. I write espionage and adventure mysteries. I’m a wannabe Clive Cussler.” He shrugged his massive shoulders and winked.

“That’s awesome. Are you published?” I asked as Luke huffed and puffed beside me.

“No, not yet,” he admitted, “but I have a great agent and my manuscript is at several of the big publishers as we speak.”

“Congratulations,” I said. “How is it that you end up doing this?”

“Well, I was going to conventions as a writer to learn, and an agent suggested I try out the cover dude thing while I wrote so I didn’t have to have a day job. I did and it worked and here I am.”

“Jesus Christ in a bikini,” Shoshanna yelled, scaring the hell out of poor pretty Jim. “I love that fucking story. Who’s looking at your manuscript right now? Maybe I can give them a call and help that motherfucker along.”

“Oh my God,” Jim whispered, looking pale beneath his tan. “You would do that? Without reading it?”

“Hell yeah,” she grunted, and slapped his ass. “Anyone who would march around in his underpants to have the time to write is a serious writer.”

“I think I love you,” he said, trapping her in a bear hug. I almost pulled my gun, but realized Jim was practically naked and couldn’t be hiding a weapon anywhere. “I have it on my laptop. I’d feel better if you read a couple of chapters before you endorsed me.”

“Outstanding!” Shoshanna shouted. “Pull it out, baby, and let me see it.”

“There will be none of that,” Medusa shrieked, misunderstanding Shoshanna’s directive. “I don’t care if you are Shoshanna LeHump. I’m the only one who tells these boys what to do.”

“Relax your crack, Medusa. I’m talking about his book, not his dick. You should get your pea-fucking brain out of the gutter and do your job. And by the way, if you get in my son’s face one more time, I will make sure you never work in this industry again. Are we clear?” Shoshanna put her little hands on her little purple hips and waited.

“I’m sorry,” Medusa grumbled somewhat contritely. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You do that.” Shoshanna was a momma bear when it came to her boy. I snuck a peek at Luke, whose expression was somewhere between shock and pride. He was so totally going to be adopted.

While Shoshanna and Jim huddled together and read his chapters, we got barraged by the rest of the competition.

“So Duke LeHump,” Hair Teddy cooed. My gay-dar was pinging with Teddy. “Are you ready to twerk?”

“Teddy, is it?” Luke inquired tightly.

“Yes, darling. It is.”

“I will not be twerking—today, tomorrow, or ever. So you can take your twerk and shove it up your . . .”

“What Duke means to say,” I cut Luke off before he pulled his gun and shot Hair Teddy dead, “is that we’ve heard you’re the master twerker and we know Duke doesn’t stand a chance against your skill and twerk-finesse.”

Teddy was appeased and gave us a lewd hip shake to seal the deal. “God,” he gushed. “It is so wonderful to be appreciated and feared for my talent. Those Hispanic steroid twins think they can take me. They are foolish,” he hissed, and gave us another ungodly sample of his specialty.

“Are they not regulars on the circuit?” I asked, hoping I got the lingo right. Luke stood mutely beside me. I knew he was watching Shoshanna, but I could use a little help with old Teddy . . .

“No,” he said, throwing an evil eye and a hip grind their way. “From what I heard, they’re huge in Mexico and trying to horn in on my territory.”

“But you guys look totally different.” I was confused. What was the problem?

“True,” he agreed. “No one has a mane like mine.” He shook his hair and struck a pose.

“Wow,” I stuttered. “You are . . . really, you know, something.”

“Thank you.” He held his pose and continued talking. “Rocky the Chocolate God is my only true friend and occasionally my lover. We’ve done a series of male-male covers together and he would never even think of trying to out-twerk me. His specialty is juggling. He’s wonderful.”

“I, um . . . wow.” Was he for real? He was and it was all I could do to not burst into laughter.

“Mandy. May I call you Mandy?” Teddy asked, and twisted his body slightly to a new and alarming pose.

“Yes, of course.”

“Mandy, you are an exquisitely gorgeous woman and your breasts are fabu. Are they real?” he inquired.

Luke tensed beside me and I knew he was going to blow. “He’s gay,” I muttered under my breath as Teddy began doing something that reminded me of Lamaze breathing.

“I don’t care,” Luke whispered. “I’m going to shoot him anyway.”

“Why thank you, Teddy,” I said, stepping in front of him just in case Luke lost his mind and pulled his gun. “They’re real and Duke can vouch for them. His talent is staring people down and he’s my lover most of the time when he’s not being a dick.”

“Oh.” Teddy sighed forlornly. “I was hoping he was gay. Duke, if she ever bores you, Rocky and I could show you a very arousing and energetic time.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Luke managed to say. “Mandy is quite acrobatic and has a mouth like a vacuum.”

I was dumbfounded. My first instinct was to reach for my gun and shoot off his pride and joy and my second instinct was to laugh. Thank God the second prevailed.

“Congratulations, Mandy. It’s rare I hear such a compliment given to a woman. Please excuse me, I must inform Rocky that we won’t be having a three-way tonight.” He bumped and ground his way across the room, stopping in front of the twins, Cesar and Cheech, to do a nightmare-inducing hip maneuver that threw the twins into their own pelvic-thrusting frenzy.

“Enough,” Medusa grunted from the runway. “Save it for the stage. Get your gyrating asses up here and show me what you’ve got.”

“Give me your phone,” Luke demanded, holding out his hand.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because there will be no record of this. Ever.”

I grinned and handed it over. He was as smart as I was and that was a huge turn-on. I was going to make him beg later and he was going to love it.

The rehearsal wasn’t going well. Luke refused to do anything Medusa told him to do and since she was clearly terrified of Shoshanna, she just left him alone. Teddy and the twins kept up a jerky pelvic thing going that looked like they had bees in their pants. Rocky juggled condom balloons and Jim just watched and grinned. This was awesome. Shoshanna and I sat in the audience and watched the shit show.

“Jim is a fantastic writer,” she said quietly.

“Really?” I was happy for him. When Shoshanna found a project, she went full steam ahead. He’d be published in a month.

“Absofuckinglutely,” she said. “Fresh voice, incredible characters, and a plot I wish I had thought of. Can’t wait to read the damn whole thing.”

“Will you make a call?”

“Already did.” She grinned and held up her phone. “He’s gonna be huge. I can feel it in my bones and he’s just the cutest thing ever.”

“Is he straight or gay?” I asked, watching the action on stage.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Shoshanna answered. “Highly unusual that I can’t tell, but I can’t.”

“Yeah, me either.”

“Did you hear about the protesting outside?” She pulled some Corn Nuts out of her bag and offered me some.

“No.” I sat up and scanned the room for newcomers. I quickly walked to the back and locked the doors to the room. I’d gotten too comfortable and so had Luke. The flirty crap had to stop. Sitting back down, I accepted a handful of the teeth-breaking snack. “Are they protesting the convention?”

“Yeah, it happens every year, but apparently these guys mean business.”

“What do you mean and how did you hear this?” How in the hell did she have more information than we did?

“Jim told me. He said they’ve literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.”

Great, we would need to check that out. I was starting to wonder if we didn’t need more bodies on the ground. Having Mrs. C and Edith here would be a relief. Holy shit, I never thought that would cross my mind . . . ever. I made a mental note to check with Steve on their progress. If it wasn’t quick enough, then I wanted more manpower here. The vastness of the convention and the size of the hotel were working against us, and until we had someone in custody, I wouldn’t be happy.

“You will not leave the hotel for any reason whatsoever,” I told her. “After the rehearsal we’ll go to the room and Luke or I will case the protesters.”

“Goddammit, I want to come. This is so perfect for my book, and I want to watch you guys in action. Please?” she said sweetly.

“Nope.” I grinned. “That might work on your son, but I’m a hard-ass bitch and you will stay in the fucking room or I will kick your butt.”

“Jesus, you’re cold.” Shoshanna laughed.

“Just call me Ice.”

“Look at that!” Shoshanna giggled and pointed at Luke, who was grooving ever so slightly to the pounding beat of the European Techno Pop. “Isn’t he cute?”

Cute wasn’t the word I’d use. How in the hell did he do it? Even dressed in nothing but Village People tight leather pants and barely moving, he was sex on a stick. I couldn’t even see anyone else up there and there were some damn pretty boys on that stage. He caught my eye and gave me his sexy lopsided grin and I melted. He did the smallest pump of his hips and it shot straight to my girlie parts. Lord help me. I was lost and pretty sure I didn’t want to be found.