Damned and Desperate (10 page)

I matched his glare with one of my own as he puffed out his chest like he ruled the roost. Who the hell did this guy think he was? Bullying me with dark looks and steam practically pouring out of his nose. Had he forgotten I’d dusted a freaky demon king with lightning so powerful, it had created a sonic boom?

“And I didn’t agree to Mar,” I snapped.

He bore down on me with a scowl so hot, I thought I saw red flecks in his eyes. “So that’s what this is about?”

I gestured at Boner. “At least he’s been trained to fight demons. What can
she
do?” I glared at Miss Priss. “Not a damn thing, that’s what.”

Her lip hung in a pout as she crossed her arms. I recognized that look. It was the same one her bitch sister Katherine had given me when I’d refused to play her sick little sex game in Hell. I knew then Mar’s little tantrum was nothing more than a show. “I am the only one who can get Katherine to repent,” she said with a trembling voice.

Oh, please! I’d seen better acting from porn stars. I planted my hands on my hips, matching her pathetic pout with a scowl that was bitch times infinity. “Sorry, but she’s past repentance.”

Aedan laid a hand on my shoulder. “Ash, this is not open for discussion.”

I jerked away as if his hand was on fire. “Oh, really?”

“If she gets to go, so do I.” Boner stomped a foot, his dick
boinging
like a yo-yo.

“Oh, dear Heavens!” Mar shrieked. “Put that thing away.”

Aedan turned to Boner, heaving a sigh. “Put some clothes on, man.”

Boner pointed at Mar with an accusatory finger. “I have been ghosting for ten years. She’s probably never even seen a demon.”

Mar rushed down the stairs, and surprisingly, right up to Boner, tilting her chin as she glared up at him. “My sister is down there!”

He stomped his foot again, the sound of skin hitting skin reverberating through the room like a steel drum. “And my Sergeant is down there!”

Mar’s hands flew to her eyes. “Please cover yourself!” she cried in a voice more shrill than nails on chalkboard.

“It’s just a penis. All men have them.”

Actually,
I wanted to tell Boner,
men have penises. What you have is closer to the size and girth of a donkey. A very big donkey.

“Forgive me,” Mar said in a haughty tone laced with shards of ice and poison, “but I am accustomed to seeing men fully clothed.”

Boner shook his head, smirking. “You won’t see it once I turn into skeletal form.”

Jack trotted up to Boner and barked before sniffing his penis.

“Hey!” Boner crossed one leg over the other, pushing Jack’s muzzle away. “What are you doing?”

“He probably thinks it’s a chew toy,” I said wryly. Even though it had been fun watching Boner horrify Mar, it really was awkward the way he paraded his tube sock around, pretending twelve inches of flaccid flesh was no big deal.

“Please do cover yourself.” Laughter rang in Cam’s words as he leaned against the archway leading to the common room. “There are ladies present.”

Jeez, I couldn’t remember the last time a man called me a lady, but coming from Cam it sure sounded nice. If I hadn’t already been committed to Aedan, I’d be all over that angel like a gallon of rocky road ice cream at my house during PMS. Who was I kidding? I didn’t need PMS to eat a gallon of rocky road ice cream.

“Here.” Aedan grabbed a patchwork quilt off a nearby chest. “Could you please wrap a blanket around it?” He shoved it in Boner’s hands.

Boner frowned as he clutched it to his chest, thankfully covering all but the tip of his penis. “Basil hand-stitched this quilt. I might lose it down there.”

Aedan heaved a weary sigh as he ran his hand down his drawn features. “Boner, the fate of that blanket is the least of our problems.”

I had to agree with Aedan. I was more concerned about battling demons and whatever else the fourth level of Hell had in store for us. Then it hit me. Aedan had basically resigned himself to letting Boner go with us. Oh, wow. I didn’t know if I was relieved he’d capitulated so easily or even more stressed now I knew I’d have to worry about the safety of one more friend in Hell.

Callum “Dragon” O’Connor

Hell’s fourth dimension

How long I’d suffered my wretched imprisonment, I did not know, for it seemed minutes passed like hours and hours passed like days. I’d seen the town only briefly, illuminated by the glowing fires beyond, making the buildings appear trapped in eternal sunset. I’d find trouble there, so I stuck to the tunnels devoid of light save for the fire I breathed when I needed to see my way through the darkness. The top level of Hell was paradise compared to this place where the mosquitoes were as big as mice and my flesh constantly burned and itched.

I wondered if my brother would come looking for me at all. I was already doomed to a miserable fate in Hell. What were a few more levels to him? Besides, after he’d accused me of seducing his woman, I doubted he’d risk his soul for me. I smiled when I thought of Ash. Her presence in my life, though brief, had been like a beacon of light cutting through a night as black as pitch. She’d brought laughter when I’d only known despondency. She’d brought peace where I’d only suffered strife. If anyone would come for me, it would be her. Even if she could only bring me back to the first dimension, I would be eternally grateful.

During my time here, I’d investigated the outcome of the two Nephilim cast down by Scorpius. Finding a giant in this God-forsaken place wasn’t as hard as I’d expected, for the landscape was an empty canvas of tumbleweeds and dust, reminding me of a desert wasteland. If it hadn’t been for the maze of tunnels burrowed into the ground, I would have baked in the heat or been eaten alive by the bugs. On the first day of my demise, I’d navigated through the tunnels, following the sound of thunder until I emerged above a huge pit. After turning two guards to ash, I’d crawled to the edge, amazed at what I saw below. It reminded me of a mining quarry. Demons with chains around their ankles worked tirelessly breaking apart dark, silvery chunks of rock, delivering the fruits of their labor to two giants who heaved heavy laden buckets toward the top of the pit via pulleys, where other demons took the stones away by cart.

The minerals must have been valuable to their enslaver. I’d seen him a few times surveying their work as he clutched a cloth to his mouth, repeatedly coughing into it as if he had the croup. I had no idea how this lanky man wearing a tailored suit and speaking with the grace of a southern gentleman had ascended to enslaver, but it seemed as if every demon cowered in his presence. I’d seen demons far more vile than him. This master had no outward demonic attributes, other than his unnaturally gaunt face and hollow eyes. I imagined he’d once been a criminal who’d starved to death in a jail cell for his crimes.

Whatever had happened to him in his mortal existence had only hardened him in the afterlife, making him a formidable tyrant. After the enslaver raised a white-gloved hand toward an unfortunate soul among the crowd, his guards wrestled the screaming demon to the ground, binding his hands behind his back and carrying him in a funeral-like procession up the winding road toward the top of the pit. While the enslaver waved a pistol around his head, barking orders, the guards hoisted the demon onto a wooden cross, ignoring his pleas for mercy as they nailed his wrists and ankles to the planks. When I heard the long, deep wail of a horn, I knew something sinister was approaching.

What happened next made my soul quake with fear, for a dragon, as large as a steam engine and scales as black as pitch swooped down from the sky, snatching up the sacrifice and swallowing him whole, cross and all. Though I’d heard the rumor Lucifer had been banished to the thirteenth dimension, this beast had to have been created in the image of the Prince of Hell, for swirling beneath the gloss of its dark, ominous eyes, I saw the shadows of demons screaming to break free. This dragon didn’t just feed on their flesh, it feasted on their very souls.

The fourth dimension was far worse than I could have imagined. Each day I passed in this miserable place, I could feel the noose of fear tightening around my neck. I had the unsettling feeling my soul would soon be on this dragon’s menu. Though I knew my penance in Hell would be far from pleasant, if I didn’t escape the fourth dimension soon, I would surely perish in the belly of the beast.

Ash MacLeod

Purgatory

“So what now?” I waved at the centerpiece of the common room, an old rusty elevator. “Do we hop on and ask it to take us to the giants?”

“I’m not sure.” Aedan scratched his head before shooting Cam a questioning look. “I usually banged my scythe, and it took me where I needed to go.”

“Follow me.” Cam motioned toward the elevator. “It has been a long time since I’ve seen my Nephilim kin.” Cam pulled a long silver staff out of a pocket on the side of his toga. It must have been a retractable staff, like Aedan’s old scythe. When he tapped the button pad on the elevator with the top of the staff, I was amazed to see thirteen more buttons appear, each one glowing an ominous red.

Like Purgatory, Hell had different dimensions, commonly referred to as levels. Level thirteen was on the bottom and the shittiest. Level one was the top floor in Hell and sucked less than all the fiery pit’s other dimensions. In Purgatory, level thirteen was the closest floor to Heaven and very similar to my life back on Earth. Level one in Purgatory smelled like old feet.

The Nephilim lived on level one in Hell in a pyramid constructed by the angels. The pyramid had magical defenses that made the place seem almost as perfect as Heaven. They ate delicious ambrosia and had magical water that healed any injury. We didn’t turn into our demon forms in the pyramid, either, which was nice, because my demon appearance was a big yellow bird-woman with frizzy hair. I looked like I’d fallen asleep in a tanning bed and then rolled around in feathers; not exactly a scary demon.

Cam hit the red level one button, and we were on our way. “These elevators are so much more convenient than stairs,” Cam said with a wink. “Imagine how long this trip took me two hundred years ago.”

The elevator opened with a
ding
, and we stared down the long rows of tables in the dining hall, surprising the Nephilim, who dropped their forks in stunned silence. When Cam stepped out of the elevator, two thousand Nephilim rose from their seats and then fell down on one knee. I tumbled into Aedan as the elevator shook.

“Get your hands off me!” Mar screeched.

I looked over Aedan’s shoulder to see Mar had fallen into Boner’s arms. Unfortunately, Boner had to let go of his blanket to catch her. And though I still regretted allowing Boner to come along, the look of shock and horror in Mar’s wide eyes was so worth it. She gawked at the tube snake pressing against her hip as if it had the plague. I covered my mouth, repressing a laugh before turning back to the Nephilim.

Cam motioned toward the giants with raised hands. “Please rise, my nephews and nieces. We bring you good news. God has decreed you’ve served your penance. He has granted permission for you to pass through the pearly gates.”

The giants shot to their feet, cheering and high-fiving each other. This time the tremors were so violent, Aedan and I tumbled to the floor in a tangle of arms and legs. After the quakes died down, I opened my eyes to see we’d fallen into a pile with Boner and Mar. The way Mar screamed like a banshee, I figured she’d broken an arm, but no, Boner’s flaccid flesh sock was draped across her shoulder. Okay, I so wished I had a cell phone, because that picture was worth a thousand other hysterical memories.

After we’d all untangled ourselves, Aedan offered me, and much to my displeasure, Mar, a hand up. He then violently shoved the blanket back at Boner before we followed Cam down the long row of smiling giants toward King Og’s dais. Though most of the giants looked alike to me, with their elongated necks and slightly greyish pallor, I recognized my friend Garf in the throng. How could I forget his innocent, infectious smile? I waved and blew him a kiss, laughing when his cheeks reddened. By the time we’d reached the king, a few Nephilim were already fastening sling high-chairs for their human guests.