Damned and Desperate (13 page)

My jaw dropped when I saw the thing clomping behind Mar with Boner’s face. I scrunched my features, trying to figure out what the heck he was supposed to be. Some sort of mythical creature from a fantasy movie? He looked like Boner from the waist up, but he had four animal legs, like a Centaur, only I didn’t think he was as tall as a horse. Omigod! My hands flew to my mouth when I realized Boner was part donkey! Made sense I guess, since he was hung like one.

Boner looked down at his animal legs and back up with wide eyes. “What happened to me?” he asked in his signature dazed and confused voice as if he’d smoked an entire bong and then gorged on a few too many magical brownies.

I scratched my head. “That’s what I’d like to know.” His demon form was a far cry from his skeletal ghosting apparition.

He shifted from hoof to hoof as his tail slapped the moss-covered wall behind him. “One second I’m me, and the next I’ve got hooves and a tail.”

I shrugged. “I guess your demon form is a Centaur.” Actually, he was more like a Centaur knockoff because he wasn’t much taller than me, and I was fairly certain Centaurs were supposed to be bigger.

“Totally cool!” Boner exclaimed. Well, at least he hadn’t freaked out. I guess he’d lived in Purgatory long enough to know to just roll with the weirdness. He trotted ahead of us, his tail swishing back and forth like a windshield wiper, or in his case, a wide ass wiper. And that’s when I got a good look at his holy-fucking-shit big ass balls. Dear, God, they were like watermelons. I was surprised he could walk without chafing them. I figured since he was hung like a horse in Purgatory, it was only fitting he’d be hung like an elephant in Hell. Trying to walk with those jugs between his legs had to have been torture.

The cavern was more like a sewer with a smelly river of sludge and a gravelly embankment. The walls were covered with black moss, and the ceiling seemed to stretch forever, disappearing into a dark void. The Nephilim army was waiting down below, lined up beside the river to say farewell to the three giants Og had chosen to accompany us.

I still didn’t understand why Og was only sending three. I would have felt better with at least a hundred, but Cam and Aedan had agreed a small reconnaissance unit would be best. Our plan was to have Jack sniff out our friends. Once we found them, if we decided it would be too difficult getting them out, then we’d send for reinforcements.

At least Og had chosen his best warriors: Goliath, who could turn demons to stone with one wave of his club; Anak, who had healing powers; and Boar, whose name fit his appearance. I wasn’t sure what his power was yet, but he looked pretty badass with steam pouring out of his wide snout and a massive underbite with two tusk-like fangs protruding from his mouth.

Cam stepped from behind one of the giants. A warm breeze blew through the cavern, ruffling his luxurious blond mane. He was cloaked in a long white robe with a gold belt, and he looked part wizard, part God as he clutched a long gleaming staff.

Aedan nodded to Cam and then turned to me. “Between me and these giants, I think we’re enough.”

I angled my head, not liking his resigned tone. “Enough for what?”

He nodded at our freaky companions. “The rest of you don’t need to go down.”

I ruffled my wet feathers while glaring up at him. “Like Hell you’re going without me.”

“I’ve come this far,” Boner whined as he kicked the dirt with his hoof. “I’m not leaving my Sarge.”

“I’m the only one able to talk Katherine into repenting. You promised my father,” Mar said in a tone dripping with guilt-inducing venom, yet laced with sweetness as she batted her lashes up at Aedan. As much as I couldn’t stand her, I sure envied the way she’d mastered that effect. She made my grandma look like an amateur, and that was saying something.

My heart cracked like an earthquake fault line buckling the ground when I saw the warring emotions in Aedan’s eyes. Damn. If I’d ever doubted Aedan still cared for Mar, here was proof.

“I can bring her to you, Mar. I’ll use force if I have to.” Though his voice dropped to a near whisper, the strength behind it spoke volumes.

Her perfect ringlets swayed side to side as she shook her head. “I can’t take that risk.”

And I couldn’t take the risk of having Aedan fall deeper under Mar’s spell. “Aedan’s right,” I said, clenching my hands by my sides, suppressing the desire to sprout claws and tear her eyes out. “You’ve never fought demons before. You’ll get in the way and put us all in danger.”

Mar’s perfect porcelain complexion reddened, from the roots of her shiny auburn hair all the way to the V of her toga. “I love her! I love her more than anything!” she shrieked in a voice so shrill, it was like car tires screeching and rabid cats mating times infinity.

Before I had the chance to cover my ears, the ground shook with such ferocity, debris fell from the walls. Aedan flung himself on top of me, pinning me to the ground as everyone else ducked for cover. As soon as the quake stopped, Aedan helped me up, dusting dirt off my jeans. Well, at least he’d shielded me instead of Mar. I figured he’d earned boyfriend points for that act of chivalry.

Mar was wide-eyed and as pale as a sheet. “Did I do that?”

“I’m afraid so,” Aedan grumbled.

King Og pointed at Mar with his club. “Angel make earthquake. Angel good for fighting demons.” Then he motioned to me. “This angel blast demons with lightning. She good, too.” He eyed Boner’s balls. “What happen to twig and berries? They bit by spider?”

Boner pranced backward. “I don’t think so.”

The king flashed a rueful smile. “This one keep lady demons busy.”

Boner puffed up his chest, tossing his mane. “I’m sure I have a superpower, too. I just need to figure it out.”

I squared my shoulders, glaring. “We’re going, Aedan.”

Aedan threw up his hands. “We’re going all right. Crazy.”

Cam banged his staff, and the cavern rumbled again. I backed up with a gasp as the ground split open, revealing an elevator big enough to fit a few elephants. After the Nephilim finished saying their goodbyes, Cam took down the first two, and a few minutes later he came back for one more giant, as well as Jack and Boner. Finally, the rest of us squeezed into the elevator, my heart lurching as we made our descent.

Despite my best efforts to be brave, my limbs were shaking so badly by the time the elevator dinged, I nearly lost the nerve to step off the platform. If it hadn’t been for Aedan’s warm hand holding mine, I didn’t know how I would have managed.

Boner was glaring at us with arms crossed over his chest. “What took you so long?”

“What do you mean?”

He checked an invisible watch. “We’ve been waiting for you for at least an hour.”

Cam chuckled. “Time passes more slowly in the fourth dimension, remember?”

Boner’s jaw dropped. “Oh, shit.”

I echoed his words when I got a good look at our surroundings. I had no idea why I’d been expecting level four to look like level one, with mountains and caves, but this place was a desert wasteland with scorched dirt and monster tumbleweeds. The distant horizon was lit up in crimson fire, casting a dull glow across the landscape. And, oh man, was this place hot. Sweat was already beading across my brow and trickling down my back and between my breasts. So not cool. Not only was I a big yellow bird, I was a big sweaty yellow bird. I sure hoped we could find our friends and get the hell out of Dodge before I turned into liquid mush. And I sure as heck hoped Sarge still had the scythe, because I did not want to spend the next thousand years as a drippy dishrag, especially since I knew Hell probably didn’t have any Gatorade or antiperspirant.

I looked at Cam with pleading eyes. “Do you think maybe you could hold the elevator for us? We’ll try to make it quick.”

He took a step back, holding out both hands. “I’m sorry. This is where I must leave you. Keep to the ground. No flying, or that dragon may see you. Take the tunnels if you can, just don’t go too far down.”

When he said that last part, a chill stole up my spine, which was kind of weird considering it was hotter than a flaming vagina during spring fling. He punched the button without another word, the elevator door slid shut, and he shot back up into the sky.

“Of course.” I rolled my eyes. “Nothing is ever easy in this damn place. I turned and looked at my companions. The three giants were standing there with shoulders slumped, their elongated necks sagging and sweat rolling down their grey foreheads. Yet not one of them complained.

Aedan wiped the sweat off his brow. “We’re sitting ducks here. Let’s get moving.” He looked up at the biggest giant. “Goliath, do you see anything?”

Goliath shielded his furrowed brow with a hand, scanning the horizon. He lifted his club, pointing toward the glowing embers in the distance, and grunted. Jack surged forward, his two heads frantically sniffing the ground, and we walked across hot sand behind him. Even though I had on new sneakers with thick soles, it felt like the heat from the ground was burning holes through my feet. I resented not being able to fly. My wings had dried almost as soon as I’d stepped off the elevator. That was how freaking hot it was down here. Of course, the first thing to dry up was my mouth. It felt as if I’d swallowed a cup of dust, and blisters were already forming on my lips.

Boner clomped behind me, shifting around on all four hooves, crying, “Hot, hot, hot!” as his bowling-ball balls slapped his thighs.

The giant named Boar slowed his step, grunting as he fell in beside me. Even though he had changed to demon form, he looked awfully familiar, like the giant who’d let loose the nauseating fart and cleared an entire table last night.

I ran my tongue along my parched mouth as I craned my neck at him. “Boar? What’s your power?”

He crooked a lopsided grin and held down a hand, waggling his long fingers. “Pull Boar finger and find out.”

I shrieked, nearly tumbling over my own feet. “Uhhh, no thanks.” I had made the mistake of falling for that trick with my grandpa when I was a kid and nearly lost my lunch. I wasn’t about to fall for that again. Especially not with a giant whose fart could probably make me lose my breakfast and then some.

Boar’s chuckle was so deep, I could feel it rattling my insides. “Boar no use his magic unless we in big trouble.” He patted his gut. “When Boar in trouble, tummy make rumbling and hurt real bad.”

“Sounds like me after I eat gluten,” I said. When I eat gluten, it feels like an alien is trying to claw its way out of my insides, and not a cute little green-skinned man but the big monster bitch with sticky saliva dripping down her fangs and claws the size of butcher knives.

Boar shook his head, pinching his fingers together. “No like little woman fart.” He threw his arms wide. “Boar make powerful fart like bomb.”

Oh, how vile. “So if a demon army attacks us, you’re going to toot on them?”

“Yah.” He eagerly nodded as he slapped his hands together. “Fart make them fall down.”

“And what about us?”

He shrugged. “Hold nose and close eyes.”

Oh, jeez. Somehow I got the feeling holding my nose wouldn’t work out so well. I only hoped Boar wouldn’t need to use his power. Nothing sounded more torturous than choking on giant demon nuclear gastritis. Somehow I got the feeling it would be equivalent to swallowing a skunk, and I’d probably wind up with that taste in my mouth for weeks. My mom’s liver and onions was starting to sound more appetizing. Nobody told me I’d need a gas mask in Hell.

Callum O’Connor

I woke to the sound of water splashing and someone softly humming. I raised my hand to my throbbing forehead and instantly regretted it. My shoulder was on fire! What had happened to me? My eyes shot open at the feel of warm water trickling down my neck. A dark-skinned beauty with large mocha eyes, a wide smile, and a riot of dark curls stood over me. But her beauty wasn’t as striking as the fact she looked perfectly human. No feathers, serpents, scales, or claws. It was as if death hadn’t changed her. That was odd, because everyone down here had changed into demon form. Could I have been taken to the Nephilim’s lair? If so, I didn’t remember meeting her.

She held up a dripping rag. “Lean to the side, so I can clean your wound.”

The lilt of her voice was so mesmerizing, I felt obligated to obey. I leaned over, staring at the light from a flickering candle as it cast our shadows across a grey stone wall. Strange how this place didn’t feel as hot and humid as my dragon’s den on level one. I had always believed the lower levels grew ever hotter. She bent down, steadying a hand on my wing, and I bit my tongue as she cleaned the tear at the base of my shoulder. I held my breath, knowing I would frighten her if I released a plume of fire.

When she was done, she applied something warm and wet on my back, soothing the wound almost instantly.

“Lift your arm,” she said and she wrapped soft, sticky gauze around my shoulder.

Gauze and medicine? When had Hell received such luxuries? Surely, I was dreaming, because I couldn’t have ascended to Heaven.

“You may turn over now,” she said in that sweet sing-song voice. “Be careful not to tear the bandage.”

I rolled over, studying the perimeter of my room. “Thank you.” I let out a slow breath of air, cursing myself at the puff of smoke that filled the space between us.