Damned and Desperate (8 page)

“Ash, please stop.” His dark tone wasn’t fooling me. I could see the smirk playing on his lips. Those same sexy lips I so badly wanted to kiss. I sighed when he leaned into me. Finally, a real kiss.

“What’s so funny?”

I swore when Aedan pulled back. Mar was tapping her foot with this annoyed look in her eyes, as if the bitch bug had just crawled up her ass.

He coughed into his fist. “Nothing. I’ve been summoned by the SRC.” He waved the document in front of her. “I’ll be gone for a few hours.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Her eyes shone with contempt as she scowled at the big bay window with mismatched curtains. Hey, I liked those curtains, even though the orange flower ones had a few cigarette burns and the green striped ones looked as if someone had run them through a paper shredder. They added character to the house.

“Wait here until I return,” Aedan said to both of us in his usual me-big-strong-man voice.

Well, no shit Sherlock. And here I thought I was just going to waltz into Hell by myself, shoot a few thunderbolts into some demon asses, and be back home before dinner.

This time Aedan did kiss me, another boring platonic peck on the cheek. “Please be nice,” he whispered into my ear.

I pulled back, frowning. “Why?”

He cupped my chin in his hand, looking down at me with the cutest little boy expression reflected in those blue eyes. “Because I’ve got enough to worry about.” Damn him for making it hard for me to resist his plea.

“Fine.” I shrugged. “I’ll stay out of her way. That’s me playing nice.”

He kissed me on the forehead. “Thank you.” He headed for the door, but not before saying goodbye to Mar. Why didn’t she get a lecture on playing nice? Was it because she was already perfect?

I watched his round tight buns as he retreated, wishing they weren’t so squeezable as the memory of me digging my fingernails into his cheeks while he pumped into me flashed through my mind. Damn him for making me horny, and damn me for letting my libido get out of hand, and I hadn’t even been drinking Hell’s hormone water.

Aedan nodded a manly goodbye to Cam before slamming the door behind him.

I looked over at Mar, who was coolly assessing me. One look from her, and the room dropped like twenty degrees. I matched her icy stare with a glare of my own, waving my head around in a move that would have made my diva friend, Inés, proud. So much for me telling Aedan I’d play nice. I couldn’t help it. Mar knew how to bring out my inner bitch faster than I could max out my credit card at two-for-one shoe sale.

How comforting to know Aedan still worried over Mar. I had no idea what he’d ever seen in her. She was a spoiled, bratty princess, pouting if she didn’t get her way and expecting everyone to accommodate her. Sure, I had my bratty moments, too. And maybe I pouted a little when Aedan was being pig-headed. But I didn’t expect everyone to bend over backward for me. Just Aedan. That didn’t mean I was anything like Mar. We might have looked alike, but that’s where our similarities ended. After all, I was pretty sure her vagina was dryer than burnt toast. She probably had to dust for cobwebs. She seemed like the type who prided herself on her purity. I bet her valet was a Catholic school nun who swatted Mar’s hand with a ruler and forced her to kneel on pencils. And I bet Mar enjoyed every minute of it. Of course, I had no proof any of these things were true, but a girl could dream.

I left Mar to sulk, knowing she was probably burning holes into the back of my head with her eye lasers, and I walked up to Basil and Cam. “Where’s Boner and Crow?”

“Crow is at Alpha House,” Cam said, his face lighting up with a broad smile. “He’s been promoted to head ghoster.”

“Whoa. Really? How awesome.” I was so glad to see one of my friends in charge. Maybe he’d set those snooty Alphas straight, forcing them to adopt casual Fridays and eat their salad and caviar with the same fork.

Basil frowned down at her bare feet, swishing her broomstick skirt back and forth like a child. “Boner has been crying in his room since yesterday.”

My jaw dropped. “What?”

Cam’s pale eyes darkened. “He took Sarge’s banishment pretty hard.”

“We’re going to get him out,” I said with absolute certainty, not because I had that much faith in my demon blasting skills, but because we had to. I couldn’t endure an eternity in Heaven knowing my friend suffered in Hell.

Cam’s wings twitched and then drooped. “I tell him that, but it does no good.”

Basil threw up her hands. “He’s going to scare away all the flies with that crying.”

“I’ll go talk to him.” I nodded at Mar, who was walking toward me, her heels clicking across the wood floor. “Could you keep Miss Priss company until I get back?”

Mar gasped, splaying a hand across her throat and looking as if she’d swallowed a gnat, or in her case, had accidentally exposed her ankle. “I beg your pardon?”

Basil grabbed a butterfly net off a nearby shelf. “I was about to go fly hunting.”

“Excellent. Take her with you. I’m sure she’d enjoy it.”

I didn’t wait to witness Mar throwing a tantrum, though I heard plenty of sighing and grumbling on my way out the door. Poor Basil. Mar would probably scare away all of Basil’s imaginary flies. Her heartless aura was far more repellant than bug spray. I almost felt like a bad friend, leaving Basil alone with her, but I knew if anyone was capable of tuning out Mar, it was Basil. Heck, she could probably tune out the apocalypse just by staring at a tree branch.

I rushed to the kitchen, missing its old yellow cabinets, chipped countertops, and faded floral wallpaper. Just as I suspected, Jack was scratching at the back door. I let him in, and he rushed me like a big, licking steamroller. As soon as he was through beating up the cabinets with his tail, I grabbed a box of cookies off the counter. Weird how Boner kept buying my favorite gluten-free brand even after I’d moved out. I tossed one to Jack, and he gobbled it up so fast, I doubted he even tasted it. I fed him a few more, and he swallowed each one whole.

“Jackie.” I laughed as I patted his head. “You’re supposed to chew.” I wondered, not for the first time, who Jack was, because if he truly had the spirit of a human being inside him, he didn’t act like it.

I helped myself to a few cookies. You’d think after all that cheesecake I wouldn’t be hungry again, but I knew I’d have to stock up on munchies before my journey. Who knew when I’d get to eat another cookie, much less anything at all? I searched the cabinet for pain-killers, pausing when I saw Basil’s weed stash sitting next to some antacid pills. Now that would cure my headache for sure, but I didn’t think Aedan would appreciate having to manage a stoned big bird demon in Hell, so I opened the little bottle of aspirin instead. I grabbed a cold water out of the fridge and popped some pills. I sure hoped this damned headache would let up soon.

Jack followed me, or maybe he followed the cookies, up the back stairs to Boner’s room. Though the hall was dark, it was easy to determine which door was his. All I had to do was follow the loud, incessant sobbing that sounded like a dying donkey in heat.

“Boner, it’s me, Ash.” I called into the darkened room as I pushed the door open. I fumbled around for the light switch and turned it on. The first thing that struck me were the posters of ’80s metal big hair bands all over his walls. I’d kind of figured him for the Beach Boys. Guess not. My face twisted in disgust when I saw the disrepair of the room. Piles of clothes littered the floor, along with vinyl records, empty tissue boxes, a rubber chicken, an empty box of extra-large condoms, and a naked female mannequin. A mannequin? Did I really want to know? Nah. At least she didn’t have fake nipples or pubic hair, because that would have been really creepy as opposed to kind of creepy.

Boner was laying on a bed which had been stripped of sheets. He was curled into a ball, clutching a GI Joe blanket while sobbing into his pillow.

Oh, jeez. How am I supposed to console this?

I set the box of cookies on a small table by the side of his bed as Jack dove head-first into the laundry mountain, sniffing and wagging his tail. No doubt he smelled some leftover food. When he dragged a pizza box out of the pile, I knew he’d hit the jackpot. I only hoped he wouldn’t get sick eating old pepperoni and moldy cheese.

I tentatively sat on the edge of the bed, praying I wouldn’t catch gonorrhea or crabs. I scrunched my nose at the smell that permeated the room, a cross between sweaty gym socks, fermented eggs, and sour milk. No wonder he kept a mannequin. No real girl would put up with his unsanitary living conditions.

“Boner,” I said as I patted his rather warm and moist backside. “We’ll get him back. I promise.”

He looked at me with red-rimmed eyes. “They’re torturing him.”

I pulled back from Boner, and I had no idea what force of nature compelled me to sniff my hand. Ewww. The guy seriously needed a bath. “Boner. He’s a tough guy. I’m sure he’s managing.”

“I should have gone with him.” He sniffled loudly before blowing his nose into his pillow. “Now he’s all alone in Hell.”

I nearly gagged when I saw his pillow was crusted with boogers. The level of his grossness had officially reached a code red. After I forced him to take a shower, I needed to call in a Hazmat team to liquefy this place.

“He’s not alone. Aedan’s brother is with him, and he’s a badass dragon. They’ll watch each other’s backs.” I wasn’t entirely sure that was the case; Sarge had been cast down to the fourth dimension of Hell at least a few hours after Callum. I had no idea what level four was like or if they had even found each other, but it was a necessary lie. I needed him to calm down enough so I could get him to take a shower. Sure, I realized Boner was already dead, but it couldn’t be healthy living in squalor.

Boner sat up, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Cam said you’re going to get him.”

“We are. We’re heading out today.” I infused as much cheerfulness into my voice as possible, as if my journey to Hell would be like a trip to Disney World. You know, the kind of Disney World where the ghosts turned into demons and then tried to stab you through the heart with venomous knives. Tra la la, what fun we would have in Hell.

“I shouldn’t have let Sarge go down there without me.”

Boner stood, and that’s when I noticed he was wearing nothing but boxer shorts. Little fun fact about Boner, or I should have said
big
fun fact, was he probably held the record for Purgatory’s longest schlong. And it just so happened Boner’s garden snake was hanging out of his shorts! Sure, it was just the tip, but dear Lord! How did he have sex with that thing? It practically had its own zip code.

Feeling the heat creep into my cheeks, I shielded my eyes with my hand. “Boner, could you tuck that thing inside your shorts?”

“Oh, sorry.” He blushed. “It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.” He pulled his shorts lower, revealing a skull and crossbones tattoo on his hip.

That was kind of sexy, which was weird, because I’d never thought of him as sexy before. Boner was always just Boner. Good thing I had a boyfriend, and Boner stunk to high heaven, or else I might have been turned on.

“I’m coming with you.”

“Wh-what?” I slowly stood, looking into his watery eyes, heaving a sigh of frustration when I realized he was serious. “Boner, you have no idea how dangerous Hell is.”

“He saved me from a demon once.” His lower lip trembled as he wiped more moisture from his eyes. “I was this close to being taken to Hell.” He pinched his fingers together. “He risked his own soul to save me. I owe him, Ash.”

“I don’t know.” I bit my lip, thinking of Aedan’s reaction if I told him I was bringing one more tag-along, but then I paused. I’d never consented to letting Mar come with us, but there she was inside our cab without so much as a decent explanation. Aedan had to have known Mar’s presence would only put us in danger. At least Boner had gone through demon training. What did Mar know about fighting demons? She’d hide behind me or Aedan, no doubt.

“Please, Ash,” he begged, “I can’t live with myself knowing he’s down there and I’m doing nothing to help him.”

“Okay. You can come.” The words spilled out of my mouth before I’d have the chance to regret them. I tensed as the reality of what I’d done set in.

Holy shit, Ash. What happens if Boner gets stuck in Hell? You’ll be rescuing your friends for the next century.

Before I could change my mind, Boner was pulling me into a hard, stinky hug.

“Thank you,” he sobbed into my hair.

I wanted to pull away, but I froze at the feel of his garden hose squishing against my thigh.

Please don’t get hard. Please don’t get hard.

Thankfully, Boner let go when Jack barked at us.

Boner grabbed the box of cookies off the dresser and tossed a few to him.

“He missed you,” I said with a smile. “Why don’t you go take a shower?” I added bluntly.

Boner smelled his armpit and then grimaced. “Okay.”

I picked up the cookies and trudged back to my old room as if my feet were lead weights. What had I done? Fortunately, my bedroom was just as I’d left it. Unfortunately, my head still throbbed. I fell onto my soft mattress with a grunt and shut my eyes as Jack curled up beside me. Aedan would not be happy with me when he got back, but that was the least of my worries. I may have sentenced Boner to his doom.