Deeper (23 page)

Light rain beats down on the windshield as we drive back. “So what now?” I ask her.

“We go back to working together.”

“How can we do that? How can we honestly do that Rain?”

“If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t have entered into this with me. You knew my terms.”

I did. But still, I want her feelings. I want her heart. I’m okay with the fact that life isn’t perfect and we could both end up in a world of hurt simply by loving each other.

She’s trying to cut me loose to protect me. But it’s like she’s running me over with a small train to avoid possibly running me over with a bigger one. I just want to shake her. I want to do something, anything, to shake sense into her.

How can I just let her agree to spend the rest of her life without love? When her heart beats against mine, when I hold her close, I know for sure that there is nothing broken about her. But I don’t know how to help her see that.

“You know, I didn’t even think I’d be hired,” she says dully, staring out her window. “I thought when I told them about William, they’d laugh me out the door. But I believe in being honest, so I told them. I even told them I worked his shift. That’s what made Dave hire me.”

“You worked his shift? The same day?” My throat tightens.

“Yeah. No one else could. I was calmer than them. Just another sign it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault Rain. They all probably feel it was their fault,” I say.

“His spine was sticking out of his back.”

I curse and grip the steering wheel as nausea rolls through me. I’ve seen a lot of things as a lifeguard, but nothing that bad.

“Sorry.” She puts her hands up to her face. If I wasn’t driving, I’d pull her hands away and tell her I’m not mad at her.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.” I’m just mad at the situation. I’m mad that I didn’t know sooner how fragile she is. And how strong she is. I’m mad that I haven’t handled things right, and I’m even madder that I don’t know how to fix them from here.

He died on her. It was awful, it was gruesome. They were dating. It doesn’t feel like she loved him. The way she reacted to me made me instinctively feel it was the shock and wonder of a girl feeling those things for the first time.

I remember the first time with Camille. So wonderful, even if I was so bad at it. Even if it was painful for both of us. The way we held each other after, stared into each other’s eyes and wondered at the intimacy of it, at how deep we had allowed the other person into our souls.

I’ve already allowed Rain into my soul. I just need to figure out how to get into hers.

The rain starts to fall more heavily against the windshield. From now on rain will always remind me of Rain. I’ve never known anyone with that name. And I’m sure that she’s never known anyone named Knightly. I appreciate that she doesn’t give me grief over it. Seriously, when am I ever going to find a girl who can live with my name without giving me crap for it?

Or a girl who insists on protecting everyone around her.

Or a girl who can kiss me underwater.

Some things are worth fighting for. And even though I know the price of a fight fought and lost, I want to fight this fight for her. As we drive in the rain together, I can feel myself making promises again, promises like the ones I made Camille and myself. Promises that were stupid to make then and frankly insane to make now.

But it’s worth it. I have to try.

It’s a little bit of heaven with her. I don’t mind walking through hell first if I can do it with her and we can both come out together.

The most important thing is, I’m already fairly certain she loves me. I just don’t know what to do from here. I know that I want to make one more stand.

I can feel fire lighting inside me that hasn’t been lit since Camille died. I didn’t think I’d ever be on fire again. I’m willing to fight to the death for her. I knew it from the moment I held her in my arms.

We hit a red light and the wipers are hypnotic as they dance with the rain. I look over at the girl beside me. She’s chewing her hair. Adorable. Mine.

“Rain?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for today.”

She nods. “Thank you.”

There’s nothing else to say.

She looks over at me as she unbuckles her seatbelt and I can tell she’s trying to figure out something to say. Maybe something to salve my wounds, though nothing would do that, and she doesn’t need to try.

Rain being so paralyzed makes me brave. Maybe her pain makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world, like I’m not the only one suffering. Maybe wanting to be with her is driving me forward. Either way, I’ll come through for her.

“Knight.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you for being so wonderful. I really do love working with you.”

“Me too.” It aches to have her be ending it this easily. I get the feeling she’s really going to beat the crap out of my heart before this is over.

Go ahead Rain. Beat the ever-living crap out of my heart.

She gives me a kiss on the cheek and opens the door, looks back at me for a moment as a tear, or maybe a drop of rain, slides down one cheek. For a moment she stands in the rain, beautiful, just staring at me. Then she slams the door and walks away.

Good start princess. Good start.

It’s painful to train with Rain, to be just a coworker again, when I just want to scoop her up in my arms.

I’m still determined to be with her. I just don’t know how to overcome all of this.

Ally and Geoff start arguing over some minor detail of the rescue they’re working on, and Rain laughs and looks over at me. But I keep my eyes on Geoff. I might have an idea.

There’s only one person I’ve ever gone to for girl advice, and though it might be stupid, it might just work.

Rain announces lunch and I follow the guards to the guard room. When Geoff comes out after changing, I grab his arm.

He curses and pulls away. “What you want Knight?” Resentment burns in his eyes, and I know I deserve it. We used to be friends. Used to talk all the time. He used to look up to me. We used to have Camille.

“Can we talk?” I ask, folding my arms.

“What, like chicks?”

“Yeah. Like chicks,” I say. “Lunch on me.”

He shrugs and just continues to glare. I sigh and walk toward the door, gambling on the fact that he’ll follow. He never could turn down a free meal.

When we both get to the jeep, he opens the passenger door and swings in, like he has dozens of times before.

“So what is it Knight? What should we talk about after four years of hell?”

I put the jeep in gear and back out. “I guess we talk about hell then.”

I pull up to the usual burger drive through. We both get our customary order. It feels like nothing has changed, even though everything has.

We get out of the car and find a good place on the grass outside.

“How have you been?”

He has already shoveled half of his burger in his mouth so he has a moment to think about how to answer while he chews and swallows. “What’s it to you?”

“We’re friends.”

“Were friends. You stopped coming ‘round after Cami died.”

“About Camille. I’m sorry,” I say. “I should have said that sooner. I can’t even say how sorry I am.”

He curses again, dropping his burger. “Come on Knight. It’s not your fault.”

“Why are you mad at me then?” I ask.

He wipes off his hands and swallows the rest of his burger. “Dude, you just disappeared on me. You just pretended I didn’t exist once Cami was gone. I was suffering too. I thought you were blaming me. I guess I blamed you for a while, but then I realized I was just blaming you so I didn’t have to blame me. I’m kind of over it now. Cami made her choice and I want to live my life now. I think she’d want me to live. I think she’d want you to live, too.”

“Thanks,” I say. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation. I should have seen him sooner. I thought he hated me, that it’d be better if I stayed away.

“But yeah, so I think you should be allowed to live a little. I guess I just hate seeing you with someone other than Cami, ‘cuz it’s like, well, it’s just really final that she’s not here anymore. It was always you two. Since she could basically talk. I guess it’s just all really freakin’ sad.”

“Oh, you mean Rain?” I sit back on my hands, still not touching my food. “It makes you mad to see me with Rain?”

“It’s just not pleasant, that’s all. But Cami would probably be mad at me if I stopped you from being happy with someone. She wouldn’t have wanted that. She probably would have liked Rain. I like her. She don’t take nothing from nobody.” He points to my burger. “You gonna eat that?”

I laugh and push it towards him. This used to be our lunchtime routine. I always used to order more than I needed, after Camille told me their old man didn’t give them lunch money. That way Geoff had an excuse to eat. None of us had much, but at least I had enough to eat.

“Anyway, if Rain and I dating bugs you, I guess you don’t have a problem then. Because she dumped me.”

“That sucks,” he mutters. “Not for me I guess, but it sucks for you.”

“Yeah?” I pick up my cup, full of Mountain Dew like always, and mess with the top of the straw.

“Yeah. She’s hot. Why’d she dump you?”

I’m not sure I should ask him for advice. He’s only just forgiven me, and we’re just starting out. It’s nice to have another tie to a part of my past that isn’t ruined. But I need his help. I’ll take the chance.

“Her boyfriend died in an accident. She thinks it was her fault, doing penance by not falling for anyone else.”

“Yikes. But anyways, you ask me, she’s already fallen for you.”

“Yeah, I think so too. She doesn’t. Boo to the hoo.”

He laughs, coughs, and beats his chest. “Damn Knight, this is kinda fun. Weird though.”

“Yeah. Weird.” I bite the top of my straw again.

“So this chick, what you gonna do about it?” He asks. He chomps off half of his burger, then winces and spits the pickles out on the grass. I can’t believe this is the only person I have to ask for romantic advice.

“I don’t know what to do about it. I thought I’d ask you, but I didn’t want to be an ass. Asking my ex girlfriend’s brother. But I dunno, I sort of wanted an excuse to talk to you anyway. Make things right.”

“Yeah, Cami would have wanted us to be friends. I’ll give you advice. What else I got to do? Tell me more about Rain.”

“She’s just determined not to love anyone or have anything good, because she thinks it’s paying back the guy she killed.”

“Did she kill him?”

“She was a part of the accident, may have contributed.”

“Still an accident. That’s pretty loyal though.”

“Yeah,” I say.

“Remember when you used to get my advice about Cami?”

I nod and close my eyes against the memories that come up with those words. “Yeah. I remember.”

“Sorry, you don’t want to think about that right now.”

“Not really. So what should I do about Rain?” I set my arms on my knees and look out over the parking lot. So many memories here. No wonder I haven’t hung out with Geoff in the last four years. But, like I told Rain, sometimes the most worthwhile things hurt like hell.

“I think maybe you should just keep lovin’ her.”

“I am.”

“No, I mean. I think you should show it. Until she can’t push it away.”

“I can’t do that. She dumped me. I told her we’d be friends.”

“In that case Knight, you’re going to have to learn something that I learned at group therapy after Cami died, and that’s that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. They gotta do it.”

“How do I make them do it?”

“Like I know. I know I wish we’d gotten Cami to therapy. You been?”

“No.”

“Really helps, man,” he says, wiping his hand on a napkin and leaning back on his arms. “Anyway, I guess all you can really do is show her she needs to go and hope she’ll care enough to do the rest.”

The thought is haunting. What if she doesn’t? What if I get abandoned again? “How do I show her she’s messed up?”

“She’s not supposed to be in love, right?”

“Right.”

“But she is, right?”

“I think so.”

“So show her that.”

I don’t know how Geoff gets this stuff. He’s like a wise, tatted buddha. “You with anyone man?”

“Nah, women are trouble.”

I laugh. “You got that right. So how do I show her she’s into me? She’s never gonna admit it.”

“Easy. Make her jealous. Pay attention to another chick. Great way to make any chick think about how much she really wants you.”

“Really? How do I make her jealous?”

“Man, you really are new to this girl thing. Have you dated anyone since Cami?”

I shake my head.

“Jeez. Get a girl to help you. One who won’t be interested.” He runs a hand over his shaved head. “Maybe Ally’d help you.”

“Ally?”

“Sure. If she ain’t into girls.”

“Maybe.” I stand awkward and brush off my jeans. I put a hand out and Geoff grips it and stands. He’s stronger, filled out, compared to the sixteen-year-old I used to know. We both shove our hands back in our pockets and walk back to the jeep.

When I get back to the pool, I’ll have to start putting my plan in motion. But for now I just want to be grateful for one more thing that Rain helped me get back. I watch Geoff slump in the passenger seat and smile.

I decided to ask Ally after training.

“You want me to what?” She stares at me like I just asked her to jump off the Eiffel Tower naked. This was a bad idea. But I might as well go with it now.

“Pretend to like me. Flirt with me.”

She narrows her eyes at me, then focuses on picking at one of her cuticles. She has really short fingernails. “Why should I?”

“I just thought you’d be good to ask. I mean, we aren’t into each other, so it wouldn’t be as weird. Like I said, I like Rain. I need her to realize she likes me.”

“What makes you think I want to be involved in your girly drama?”

“I’m just asking for your help. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

“I guess you did hire me though. Not everyone would give a badass chick a chance.” She folds her arms and leans to one side, one hip jutting out. She tilts her head to the side and pops her gum. The noise is grating. “On the other hand, I do like Rain. You really think this would help her?”