Deeper (25 page)

“Princess, you okay?”

Knight’s voice is distorted, pulling me from the darkness into a blurry world that looks a lot like the water park.

“Did I die?”

“No.” He laughs softly.

“Felt like it.”

“Thank you, Rain.” He runs a hand through my hair.

I still feel like a terrible person. I’m shameless. I killed William, and despite that, I’m choosing to be in love. It doesn’t make any sense in my mind, but I feel somewhat freer.

Maybe because it’s the truth. I tried not to, but I fell anyway. Maybe never falling in love is not a smart promise to make, because you never know when someone like Knight will come along and need you to change your mind.

He brushes wet hair off my face. He’s kneeling on hard tile.

“You’re crazy, you know that? You actually passed out from telling me you loved me.”

I flush. It’s true, and I hide behind my hands, still not able to believe that I’ve done it.

“You know, we have a pretty good health plan.”

“Yeah,” I say, not knowing where he’s going with it. “Why?”

“Rain, I love you, but you really need some therapy.”

“Same to you.”

“I’ll go if you go,” he says, leaning down to place a soft, long kiss on my forehead. “I’ll go with you.”

“Have you ever been?”

“No. But Geoff has. We talked. He’s doing well, and I think that’s a big part of it.”

“Must have been hard to lose his sister,” I say, studying Knight’s face. I can seriously study that face forever, and it’s odd to me that it seems to look more beautiful to me every day.

“It’s hard to lose anyone we love,” he says, tracing my lips with a long finger. I love that his fingers are slightly rough at the edges from years of pulling himself out of the pool. I love that his shoulders are broad and strong. I love that because of him, I’m going to be able to start living again.

I love that I’m allowing myself this chance. I feel evil and right at the same time. Perhaps there are different types of sin. There’s the sin against true right and wrong, and then there’s sins against our own perceived rights and wrongs, which may not be true rights and wrongs.

“I just want you to have everything you deserve Rain. You deserve this.” He traces the lines on my palm with his finger and it tingles and reminds me of what he did with his mouth there the other day.

“Wow, I deserve you? In all your splendor and glory?”

“Yup, ain’t you the lucky one?”

“Do you really love me Knight?”

“I really do.” He entwines his fingers with mine. “I do Rain. I’m going to work through this with you.”

“What about Camille?”

He closes his eyes in pain and I’m sorry I said it. But it’s true, she’ll always be there for him. I’ll have to deal with William’s death, but he wasn’t truly in my heart like Camille was in Knight’s.

“I guess a part of me will always remember loving her. But there’s a difference between the memory of love and the reality of it.”

I’m his reality. I can see it as he strokes my shoulder and looks down at me with tender eyes.

I don’t know where my sin lies. Whether it’s in hurting William, or choosing to love Knight. I only know I can’t go back to not loving him so I’m just going to have to deal with it.

I’m gonna need some therapy.

The bonfire burns brightly, sending little embers swirling up into the air around us. Knight puts his arm around my shoulders and I put mine around his waist.

Amy says something to Geoff, and they start to bicker. It makes me laugh. On the other side of them, Ally is trying to get Ryan out of his shell. It’s funny to see her badger him while he stares at her, shy and irritated, from behind his long hair.

No casualties this season, so when Knight hands me an open Mountain Dew, I feel I deserve it. I cup it in my hands and enjoy the cool smoothness that contrasts with the crackly warmth of the fire. I could stay here forever, but there’s somewhere I’d rather be even more. I turn to Knight, nudge him so that he looks down at me, and jerk my head towards the ocean.

“Now?”

I nod.

He grins and stands, holding a hand out to help me up. We move slowly away from the group huddled around the fire, so that no one notices us leaving. Then, as soon as it’s safe, Knight turns and runs towards the water, throwing off his shirt with one smooth move. He runs into the waves, and they break against his chest, giving me a great view in the moonlight. He dives under.

I throw my shirt to the side and run into the ocean. He appears in front of me and lifts me up in the waves and carries me out further as they crash against us. My skin is still warm from the fire so the waves are shocking in the cool night air. It’s August and soon it will be September and it won’t be swimmable. Some people wouldn’t ever find the Cali beaches swimmable, but lifeguards have their own code of what should and shouldn’t be done in the water.

Knight pulls me up in his arms and I push off against his shoulders as another waves hits along my back and crashes over us. Feels so good. He brings me back down once we get to the rolling part of the water and I rest on his chest and look out to the horizon.

The water is nearly black and the moon reflects far out on the waves. The sky is cloudless, dark, and full of stars.

I’ve been in therapy over a month, and while I can’t say things are getting easier, they are definitely getting clearer, and I wish I had gone sooner.

It still hurts sometimes with Knight, when I want to love him but I just can’t take the pain in my head long enough to say it.

He turns to me with a look that says he’s going to kiss me, and I smile and look up into his in a way that says I want him to.

He comes forward, closer, closer, till his lips are right next to mine but not touching them. The wait is unbearable, but I don’t close the gap. I just wait, with the slightest distance of night air between us, and feel his breath. He knows I love it when he teases.

He closes the gap, and warmth builds within me, the way it always does when the man I love touches me. My shrink assures me this is right, and though I’m not ready for sex yet, I know one day I will be. Honestly I wasn’t ready for sex before William, so it’s going to take time for me to square off with that. All I know is that when Knight touches me, like he is now, slowly, achingly, his hand gliding down my leg, over my knee, igniting my nerves and my heart at the same time, I hope I’m ready soon.

“Love you princess,” he murmurs against my lips.

“I love you too.”

“That’s never going to get old,” he says. “Don’t ever stop saying that.”

I nod and wrap my arms around him, just wanting to be close. I can feel his heart beating against mine, louder than the waves crashing in the distance. There’s really something to be said for being alive. Being wholly alive, and allowing yourself to be human and imperfect and lovable.

It’s what makes life worthwhile. That sacrifice we make when we love someone. That risk we take when we give our hearts to someone mortal, knowing in the end, we have to lose them.

But it’s worth it. When runs his hands down my back and looks at me with love in his eyes, I know it is.

So it’s a good thing that when the season ends we’ll be going to the same school. It’s a good thing I transferred, and my shrink will be able to see me through the school counseling center. For free.

I guess I got my happy ending after all. And Knight did too.

He locks his mouth to mine and circles me tightly with his arms. I know what’s coming and I lock my legs around him and take a deep breath. He jumps up a bit, then takes us down, down into the dark water.

Where kissing him is warm, intense, and risky. Where the sound and feel of his mouth against mine is magnified a hundred times, and I can feel my heart beating against the pressure of my bated breath. Where we move with the ocean as his hands brush along me smoothly, like he’s part of the water and I am too.

We come up for air, just long enough to feel the whip of the cold ocean breeze on our faces and in our lungs, and then he takes me under again, this time deeper.

It wouldn’t be great for some people. They could drown, or hate the coldness and wetness around them, and the solid silence of the ocean floor. But some of us were just meant to kiss underwater.

For some of us, it’s better there.

Thanks so much for reading Deeper! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, I hope you'll help others by leaving an honest review. If you'd like to learn more or connect with the author, please visit me at my
website
or on
Facebook
, and sign up for my newsletter
here
to keep informed on deals and new releases.