Denying Heaven (Room 103) (23 page)

Six weeks later

“Eat it!”

I blew out a breath as the toast formed a ball in my
mouth and refused to go down. “Janey,” I swallowed hard, forcing the stodgy
lump down into my stomach as I told myself my baby boy needed it. “I’m sure
there hasn’t ever been a pregnant woman in the course of history that has ever
managed to eat breakfast!”

She quirked an eyebrow at me, “Well you made the history
books then, eat!”

I curled a lip at her as I savagely tore a piece of toast
and started chewing as I diverted my attention to the morning news program on
the telly and snorted in disgust as a famous model gnashed her perfect white
teeth at the camera and stuck her perfect slim body in my jealous vision.

I looked down at my round belly. At twenty weeks, exactly
half way through my pregnancy, my stomach was already coming between me and my
favourite jeans and I pulled a face but then smiled widely as I rubbed my hand
over it and started to sing
Eva Cassidy’s, Over the rainbow
as Janey
stood from the table and joined me.

It was bittersweet as I sang to my boy but also sang to
his daddy.

Bulk had never visited me once in my recovery, nor had he
been in touch since.

I had rang him numerous times and eventually the line was
disconnected, along with my soul.

‘Someday I'll wish upon a star,
and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me.’

Placing my plate in the sink, I stared out at the little
veranda of the cottage Janey had brought me to a few weeks ago to separate me
from life, as she had said. It was perfect; tranquil and serene and the tiny
private beach below the house had given me plenty of recuperating and thinking
time.

“Have you heard anything from Kenny yet?” Janey asked and
I shook my head as I kept my gaze secured on the outside world.

“No,” I turned round and frowned at her, “Do you think…
do you think Sal…?”

Janey smirked but then shrugged, “Well it seems funny
that we haven’t had a visit from the police over Danny or Kenny, so…”

E’s dad had taken care of Danny’s body but he still
filled my nightmares. I knew his face would haunt me forever and now I wondered
if E had asked them to take care of Kenny too.

I closed my eyes and blew out a strengthening breath as I
spoke to Janey without looking at her, I didn’t want to see her devastation
when I told her.

My heart was fluttering wildly so I just burst out with
it. “I killed Danny. It wasn’t an accident.”

The silence was killing me and I jolted when I felt
Janey’s hand slip into mine, “I know.” She whispered and my eyes snapped open.

“You know?”

“Spirit,” she inhaled deeply and gave me a small sad
smile. “I’m not stupid and I know Danny, he was my brother. I am well aware of
what he was capable of. I came to terms with it when you were in your coma. I
don’t blame you, sweetie. Hell I even understand.”

I blew out a relieved breath and felt a small piece of
the guilt lift. It just hurt that Bulk hadn’t seen it the same way Janey had.

My heart didn’t ache. It couldn’t because it didn’t beat
anymore and if it wasn’t for my baby, I don’t think I would have pulled through
the gap between life and death. I would have forced myself through the damn
gates, running.

‘Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
over the rainbow why then, oh why can't I?’

Janey smiled softly as she took the washed plate from me
and started to dry it. “You thought about going back yet?”

I shrugged and rolled my lips, “What for? I might see if
I can find a job down here. There’s just something so relaxing here.”

She nodded but snorted, “I think there is only so much
peace a person can handle though before they go crazy.”

“Oh I dunno.” I passed her another plate as the news
reader started a spiel about a new government initiative to help the sick,
“Like that will ever happen.” I scoffed and turned to the TV to tell the
presenter my thoughts. “You really think disabled people don’t wanna go out
there and join the other few million who actually have jobs, you arsehole. You
think they prefer to sit indoors twenty four seven whilst you drain their bank
accounts and let them live on hand-outs?”

Janey started to laugh beside me and I scowled at her,
“I’m telling you. I think they would rather earn their money than depend on
people to give it to them.”

She nodded and pursed her lips mockingly, “Sweetie, I am
with you one hundred percent but I don’t think it’s that…”

The plate slipped from her grasp and shattered into tiny
pieces on the floor as Bulk’s face filled the television screen and my knees
buckled at the beautiful sight as a newsflash banner slipped across the bottom
of the screen and Janey reached for the remote and turned the volume high.

‘…We have just received news that Chase Donnelly, or
Bulk as he is generally known as, guitarist for internationally renowned rock
group Room 103, has given a statement that he is parting from the band. Brent
Howard, manager for Room 103 gave this statement on behalf of Mr Donnelly.’

A slight quiver attached itself to my heart and
kick-started the beat a little as my eyes drank in the sight of Bulk stood
beside Brent outside his house gates.

I jolted when Janey grabbed my elbow and I hadn’t realised
I was shaking until then, “Sweetie, sit down.”

I turned my face towards her, my brow crumpled in
confusion as I desperately tried to listen to what Brent was saying. My mouth
opened and closed but nothing came out as Janey steered me towards the table
and lowered me into a chair.

‘…has decided after considerable thought and
discussion with the rest of the band that it is time to move on and approach
another chapter in his life. Bulk wants me to pass on his heartfelt thanks to
all his fans for their support and backing during the last four years.’

Microphones came into view on the screen as they were
thrust before Bulk and Brent.

‘
Bulk, can I ask what you will doing now?’

Bulk smiled warmly at her before his eyes focused on the
camera and my breathing accelerated when I could read his thoughts in his eyes.

He was looking at me; I felt it, I knew it but I
certainly wouldn’t accept it.

‘Yes, I have made the decision to move to America. I
have friends over there who are expecting me.’

Another microphone.

‘And when will that be, Bulk?’

The camera zoomed in as people scurried about in the
background but I didn’t focus on them, all I could see was my baby’s daddy
deserting us.

‘
I will be performing one last time with the band
tomorrow and then I will be leaving.’

The building was crazy tonight as we played for a select
hundred in a small club and I grinned as Romeo pressed his back to mine and
came in with his piece whilst I gazed around at my best friends and controlled
the steel beneath my fingertips, the high pulsing my veins and electrifying my
brain with every pluck and slap of the strings.

We were playing all the old ones for my benefit, each of
them tearing a piece of my heart off as I performed them for the very last
time.

‘My Father always said

She’s just a girl, a hot-blooded woman

An invitation to pandemonium

Break it down boy, the Allure’s just emotion’

     The guy’s support and encouragement
had been epic, but Jen - Jen broke my heart.

She wouldn’t accept me leaving, saying it was just
because of Spirit. I didn’t tell her she was right.

My gut pulled at the thought of my little sinner but I
couldn’t be who she needed and I was tired of fighting it; fighting against
her, fighting
for
her, fighting the gut-wrenching pain every time I
thought about her and the overwhelming feeling of guilt. I needed a fresh
start, well away from where the temptation was becoming too much.

Romeo had been in touch with her a couple of times but I
hadn’t asked and he hadn’t offered, but he had divulged that she was good and
the pregnancy was going well.

She wouldn’t understand why I was doing this, so I hadn’t
been to see her but once I had settled in Miami, I would contact her and
arrange… I dunno, but arrange something. Just because I was across the other
side of the world didn’t mean I didn’t love the tiny little thing. It was my
flesh and blood and always would be, whatever happened.

If I was honest with myself, I hadn’t been to see her
because I knew I wouldn’t be able to turn and leave again.

‘But me, I always say

Break it down boy, the Allure’s fucking E,

Just fucking E.’

The mass went wild with Jax’s edited ending to Allure as
E walked on stage with the final beat.

“E, E, E, E…” The familiar chant started and E grinned
and saluted the crowd as she approached the mic.

We all turned and observed her, her soft eyes catching
mine as she tilted her chin, gesturing for me to join her.

Screams and cheers erupted as I joined her and slipped an
arm over her shoulder, pulling her close and dropping a soft kiss to her head
as her eyes filled with tears, triggering my own ducts to moisten.

“Good evening!” E shouted and received a huge comeback.
She curtseyed and grabbed my hand, holding it high above her head as she waved
to the gathering.

“I’m sure you are all aware by now that Bulk has decided
that he doesn’t like his friends anymore.” She winked at me with a smile as everyone
booed and whistled.

She shook her head as she laughed and Jax, Romeo and Boss
joined us, all of them surrounding both me and my heart.

“Seriously…” she continued with a heavy sigh as she
turned to me, swallowing heavily and blowing out a deep breath. “You will
always be with us Bulk, wherever you are cos’ you’re glued to our hearts so securely
that when you leave you’ll tear a piece of each and take them with you.”

I closed my eyes and squeezed her hand, my heart pumping
wildly and my stomach knotting further with each of her words.

“There’s nothing more to say, other than we love you big
guy and be happy, Bulk please,” She choked out in a strangled voice.

I opened my eyes and she stared over my shoulder, her
throat bobbing as she flicked her eyes back to mine, a slight panic flitting
through them as she sucked on her lips.

I frowned and turned as the room suddenly went silent.

My body roared to life as she stood at the corner of the
stage, twiddling with the cuff of her sleeve as her eyes held mine. The sadness
in them brought on a gasp but I sucked it back.

She took a step closer and I could feel my body heat up
immediately, the hairs on my arms lifted and my hands started to shake with the
adrenaline that surged through me.

“Hello Bulk,” she said quietly with a gentle smile when
she reached me.

My eyes were all over her, on her beautiful face, on her
round belly, back up to her perfect face, down to her fidgeting hands, on her
sweet lips and then finally resting on her gorgeous green eyes.

“Spirit… What… what are you…?”

God damn, I couldn’t speak, I felt tongue-tied as her
eyes dropped to my mouth and then back up. She gulped and pulled in a deep
breath as she timidly looked around the room as all the attention settled on
her. “Uhh, can we talk?”

Oh god. It wasn’t a good idea. We both weren’t strong
enough for this; we were breaking more and more as each minute ticked by and I
could feel my heart start to slide, its beat becoming irregular and rampant.

“I don’t think…”

“Please,” she choked out brokenly as a tear trickled from
the corner of her eye. Embarrassment coursed through her face and she lowered
her gaze and pretended to scratch a spot of skin on her face as she wiped the
tear away.

I lifted the strap of my guitar from my neck and placed
it on the floor as a diversion, pretending not to notice her shame.

I shook my head slightly and swallowed my anger at
myself. I was going to be tough. I was going to have to hurt her to free her.

I just wished I could free myself at the same time.

“No,” I forced out bluntly.

She blinked up at me and my stomach retched at the shock
on her face but then almost instantly she covered the hurt and ran her tongue
around her teeth. “Well, there are some things I need to say.”

I steeled myself, building a wall around me quickly as I
prepared to crumble her belief. “Sorry but there’s nothing really to discuss.”

I felt like shit, my heart was pounding and I’m sure
there was a layer of sweat lingering on my brow as my body chilled with the ice
that flowed through my veins and the heat that surged my heart as I took in
everything about her.

One last time.

“What?” she asked in bewilderment, her face paling
painfully as self-hatred ate away inside me.

“I said no, Spirit. Just go, there’s no reason for you to
be here.”

A choked sob finally escaped her and my fists clenched as
I watched my words break her down, her eyes darkening and her face hardening.

She shook her head as she bit into her bottom lip
savagely. I jolted when she grabbed my hand and slapped it against her stomach,
“Your son is reason for me being here, Bulk.”

I muffled the strangled sound that rumbled up my throat
as her words whipped me and thrashed around inside my head, “I… you’re having a
boy?”

She nodded but didn’t answer and I just stood staring at
her full belly as my fingers gently curled into her flesh as though I would be
able to actually feel him. I was virtually touching my son, my boy, my child.

‘Chase quick,” Shona shouted from the bathroom and I
hurried in at her frantic yell.

“Shona? What? God, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

She laughed at my face and grabbed my hand, quickly
planting it against her round belly as her beautiful face beamed with
happiness.

I gasped. I felt it. It was soft but it was definitely
there as Shona’s incredible laugh soothed my nerves and filled me with joy.
“You feel him, darling, you feel your son?”

I laughed with her but frowned when I realised what
she had said, “We’re… we’re having a boy?”

She palmed my cheek tenderly, her happiness slipping
slightly as she saw my apprehension. “Yes, you are having a beautiful son,
Chase Donnelly and your son is having an amazing, wonderful dad who will love
and protect him to the end of the earth.”

“What if…”

She scowled at me and shook her head sternly, “Just because
your father was… who he was, makes no difference to how you will be.”

I nodded and smiled, her words soothing me as a small
feeling of anguish held in my gut. What if history was deemed to repeat itself?
What if my parenting skills were hereditary and I let Shona down; let both her
and my son down?

“Chase,” she slipped her hand around my head until she
cupped the nape of my neck and pulled my face down to hers tenderly.

Her lips hovered over mine as she pressed my hand
further into her belly to feel our son, “What have I said, darling. Your past
doesn’t rule your future, Chase.”

I snatched my hand back from Spirit’s stomach as though
it burnt me. I shouldn’t be enjoying feeling like this when Dylan was… was
dead.

Oh Christ, I couldn’t cope with this and I felt my knees
start to jerk as my restraint started to crumble away.

“I’m sorry… Spirit, I… I’m so sorry.”

I slipped both hands into her hair, memorising the sweet
scent as I buried my face in her and took huge desperate breaths as though
breathing her into my lungs would bury her within me forever. “I can’t…”

I placed a kiss on her forehead, refusing to catch her
eyes as I turned and walked to the end of the stage, jumping down and walking
through the passageway the crowd had cleared for me down the centre of the
room.

‘Made a wish, I can dream,
I can be what I want to be,
Not afraid to live life,
And fulfil my fantasies.’

My foot stuttered as I heard her soft voice singing
Gabrielle’s,
Sunshine
, the beautiful mellowness to her tone flowing through the air from
behind me.

‘I learnt a lot of tricks to help me live my life,
You helped me find my paradise,
when you came you were like,’

Her voice was so soft and timid, and you could hear a pin
drop around it with the silence in the room. Then the guitar rhythm broke in
with her song and I closed my eyes, my whole body trembling with a longing to
turn round and wrap her in tight and never let go.

‘Sunshine through my window,
That's what you are,
My shining star,
Sunshine
Making me feel,
I'm on top of the world,
Telling me I'll go far.’

Her rich tone penetrated my ears, forcing its way into my
head and lifting everything inside me. I had never heard her sing solo before
and I wondered why she never did with a voice as beautiful as what she had.

‘Reaching out, for new highs,
You inspired me to try,
I felt the magic inside,
And I felt that I could fly,
I'm looking at the world in an optimistic light,
You made me appreciate my life,
Cos when you came you were like.

Sunshine through my window,
That's what you are,
My shining star
Sunshine
Making me feel,
I'm on top of the world,
Telling me I'll go far.

    You are the calm,
I am the storm,
You are the breeze that carries me on,
When I set adrift,
You wink at me,
You're there for me.’

What did she want from me? Why the hell was she doing
this to both of us. Our relationship was cursed before we’d even started.

I couldn’t give her what she needed, and as she sang the
last line I carried on walking and quietly shut the door behind me.