Denying Heaven (Room 103) (17 page)

I threw my keys on the table, sagged down the wall and
cried; Danny’s words swirling around my head and assailing every single emotion
my body could cope with.

‘I forgive you, baby. I can’t stop loving you; I won’t
ever stop loving you, River, ever.’

Why now? Why the hell now? Everything had seemed to be
starting to make sense in my life. My past was easing, never healing, but
slowly getting easier with each of Bulk’s smiles, and the look in his eyes when
he watched me. The way his tongue would sneak out to tickle the piercing on his
lower lip when I looked at him and the way he touched me, like I was the
meaning to his life, his soft caresses and fierce passion were consuming but
now I was all confused.

I couldn’t read my heart or my head. They were both
battling with one another, both of them pulling this way then that way.

‘You have been my life for ten years River, don’t
waste that on a fucked up notion that stud out there can take care of you. He
doesn’t know you River; he doesn’t know what you want… what you need.’

As I placed my palm over my stomach, a small smile naturally
curled my lips as I looked down, but my brain shivered as I pictured the blood.

Fuck! Why wouldn’t these damn images leave me alone to
rest in peace?

My ears whistled when an echo of my screams filled my
senses, each horrific crack on my skull resurfacing all the pain and terror.
Every blow to my ribs sending a shot of pain through me as my body shivered
with the memories. The hatred on his face brought forward new tears, fresh
cries from my throat and I choked on the bile that was trying to climb out of
me.

I closed my eyes and started to sing.
Emile Sandé’s,
My kind of love
rasped out of me as my cries became louder and my body
quaked with each racking sob.

‘I can't buy your love, don't even wanna try.

Sometimes the truth won't make you happy, still I'm
not gonna lie.

But don't ever question if my heart beats only for
you, it beats only for you.’

But did it still beat for him? Everything was so
confusing, my mind felt like it was going to blow, the pressure behind my eyes
was unbearable and the compression in my chest was choking.

‘I know I'm far from perfect, nothin' like your
entourage.

I can't grant you any wishes; I won't promise you the
stars.

But don't ever question if my heart beats only for
you, it beats only for you.’

Danny had once promised me the stars and more. Had he
delivered? In the beginning, maybe. But after, when it had all started to go
wrong, he had taken me to hell, right up to the gates and pushed me through
them without a second thought.

‘Cause when you've given up.

When no matter what you do it's never good enough.

When you never thought that it could ever get this
tough,

That's when you feel my kind of love.’

And it never was good enough for him. When we first met,
he had taken my shit and sorted through the bad to show me the good, but then,
eventually, he had taken me back to the shit that I had been trying to run
from.

The day he ‘saved’ me was so fresh. The look on his face
the moment I had walked into Janey’s kitchen aged fourteen, him eighteen, as he
scrutinised my creased clothes and the way my hip bones had protruded through
my dress. The dark expression that had covered his face as his narrow eyes
lifted to mine suddenly disappeared. He had then inhaled deeply and smiled as
his eyes softened and he held out a hand to me.

I closed my eyes as I recalled his argument with my
parent’s that same night after he had driven me back to the shitty damp and
cold caravan in the field we shared with a few other hippies.

I had always done my best to keep everything clean, but
as Danny had taken my hand and led me through the broken door, my parents had
been on a bender and… well you can imagine.

He sent me back outside and then followed me after ten
minutes with a bin liner full of my stuff. From that day on I had stayed with
them, sharing Janey’s bed and gradually falling in love with her brother; my
knight in shining armour, once my saviour and then eventually my downfall.

“Oh dear God!” I whimpered, remembering that fresh faced
boy and the way he had idolised me, the way he had ultimately loved me, his
devoted statements of love and tender words of adoration.

And then, after eventually moving in together when I was
eighteen, came the struggles of life, relationships and homemaking. The daily
grind to find work, busking all hours with my dad’s guitar, the only thing I
had taken of theirs, as Danny scoured every shop, every business and every
factory in the area looking for work.

We argued lots, begged and stole to live and then found
the escape in coke, leading to the utter release heroin provided and the final
end to our relationship.

I needed a hit so bad, I needed to liberate my mind and
stop the pulse in my veins. I swallowed as my mouth dried with the hunger and
my teeth tingled.

“Jesus, fucking lord!” I licked my lips to moisten them
as I pushed myself up the wall and stumbled into the kitchen, my head screaming
with need as my breathing laboured and my chest restricted with an intense
hankering for abandonment.

I grasped the worktop, holding my body upright as it seemed
to vibrate violently whilst I closed my eyes and endeavoured to get a control
on everything.

It was so hard and my body shook cruelly, prompting a
fierce chatter of my teeth and a tight contraction of my larynx as my tongue
seemed to swell and my blood thickened generating a fierce thump in my chest.

My knees collapsed but as I fell, my body finally
defeated and weak, I was suddenly lifted and scooped into strong arms.

“Shit Spirit, breathe honey, breathe.”

I gasped at Bulk as my tongue swelled further and my body
convulsed brutally. I flapped my hands around trying to tell him I couldn’t
breathe but I think he had gathered that anyhow.

He nodded calmly, his eyes firm and secure on mine, as he
soothed me with words and touch. “Baby, listen to me. You’re having a panic
attack, that’s all. I’m gonna put you on the sofa and I want you to put your
head between your knees for me. Okay?”

He spoke slow and softly and I nodded, my throat now
making funny noises as he slipped me onto the couch. I did as he asked, and
lowered my head between my knees and closed my eyes.

“Concentrate on drawing in a breath, nice and slow. Like
sucking through a straw, suck it in.”

He took my hands in his and I concentrated on the soft
stroke of his thumb over my knuckles. “That’s it Spirit, nice and slow. Bring
it in and hold it for me.”

I managed to pull in a little air as I focused on the rub
of his thumb. “Good girl, now hold it. One – two – three, and release… slowly
Spirit, slowly.”

I huffed it out and my head swam. He chuckled lightly
when I widened my eyes on him. “Hit the high, baby?”

I blinked and lowered my head again as Bulk placed a hand
on the nape of my neck and gently pushed me back down. “And again, keep going
but slowly this time.”

We kept going for a few minutes, Bulk’s soft instructions
bringing me back to take steady regular breaths again.

“Okay now?” he asked as I rose upright and nodded, still
taking small little breaths but feeling near normal.

“Thank you.” I wheezed.

He smiled but placed a finger over my lips, “Get your
breathing back to normal before you talk. I’ll make coffee.”

I nodded and watched him walk across the room, my eyes
deftly dropping to watch the smooth way his jeans encased his magnificent backside
when he bent to pick a piece of fluff from the floor.

My blood heated and I removed my gaze, frightened of
bringing my heartbeat back up now that it had settled.

“Sugar?” he shouted from the kitchen and I smiled.

“What?” I replied and smirked as I waited for his answer.

He popped his head around the doorframe, “I uhh, I meant
how many, not…”

I laughed and held a single finger up to him; notifying
him I liked one spoon of sugar. He rolled his eyes and huffed before he
disappeared again.

My phone alerted me to a text and I went in search of my
bag to retrieve it. I found it, in the kitchen, in Bulk’s hands as he read it
out, his tone dark and low.

“River, think about what I said, baby and I’ll pick you
up tomorrow, eight. Goodnight my angel. Kiss, kiss, kiss.”

I chewed on my lip rapidly as Bulk snorted and dropped my
phone on the side like it had burnt his fingers. He turned and passed me my mug
as he smiled sweetly, “Your coffee –
angel
.”

“Bulk, please,” I tried but he shrugged as he took a sip
of his own coffee and regarded me over the rim.

“Not a problem, honey. If he’s
what you want, then go for it. It’s absolutely no skin off my nose. We were
just fucking anyway, nothing special.”

Ouch.

“Okay…” I croaked quietly as I fought back the tears with
his hurtful words. “I… uhh…”

I really didn’t know what to say but wow, really. My
stomach knotted as something pierced my heart painfully. “Okay” I repeated
stupidly, not knowing what else to say.

He tipped his head and inhaled noisily through his nose,
“You thought it was something else?” His tone was flat and blunt and I couldn’t
quite get a grasp on his attitude but I stared at him with slight confusion.

“Well… I, uhh…”

He didn’t give me chance to finish as he placed his cup
in the sink and started scrubbing it with the scourer, his fingers whipping
around inside the ceramic so roughly I thought he might crack it as his
shoulders stiffened with his bitter laughter. “Oh come on Spirit, I saw the way
you looked at each other. That’s not something you want from me or anything I’m
even capable of giving, so why should you not?”

He spun round then, his eyes hard and cold as he studied
me. “Tell me, how long were you together?”

I continued to stare in stunned silence as his cruel
remarks chipped away at my heart, little by little, each of his harsh words shedding
the surface of it and leaving the centre to be pounded and beaten with more
hatred and disgust.

“Six years” I whispered as my throat closed in and I
struggled to obtain a stronger tone.

Why was he doing this? Were these actual thoughts or was
he just saying them to protect himself from hurt?

He nodded reverently as he pursed his lips, “Wow, so you
what? Dated, lived together,” his eyes hardened, “Married?” He finished as he
leaned back against the sink and folded his arms over his chest.

“We lived together.”

He nodded, “Right, proper love stuff then. So what
happened?”

I swallowed heavily and lowered my face to the floor,
giving him a slight shake of my head, “It doesn’t matter.”

He snorted and my eyes whipped back up as I broke a
little more when he could obviously see the pain in me but brushed it off
spitefully. “Oh Spirit, Spirit. I can see the fucking pain you hold with your
separation. It’s so thick and murky its damn choking. Come on, I want to know.”

His callous tone riled me but I held it back as I refused
to look at him and turned around, “I think you’d better go.”

His hand gripped my arm and he spun me round so fast, I
lost my footing and stumbled against him. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I
snapped at him.

“Me?
ME?
Jesus Christ, Spirit!”

“Bulk, please, just tell me cos’ I’m already struggling
here and I don’t need your haughty offensiveness on top of everything else.”

What was wrong with this damn man? What the hell had
I
done wrong actually? His hostility was the last thing I needed right now. I
would kill for a hit and at the moment, Bulk was looking pretty good to
practice on.

His chest was heaving as he glared at me. His jaw was
clenched and his top teeth were biting his bottom lip so much the flesh was
going to pop any second.

He took a step towards me as I took a step back, “I just
think I have a right to know what’s happening. Where this puts me?”

“But I don’t understand. This doesn’t put you anywhere.
This doesn’t make any difference to us, why would Danny make a difference to
us?”

“Because you’re obviously gonna be sliding onto his cock very
soon, Spirit!” he barked and my jaw dropped in shock.

My hand shot out and sliced his cheekbone with a severe
slap, the harsh sound echoed through the silence in the room but I stood firm
against it and glared at him. “What the fuck do you take me for? I am not a
fucking whore!”

He growled at me as he palmed his cheek then checked his
hand for blood. “Thank you for that!”

“You – are – very – fucking – welcome!!” I spat, “Now get
the fuck out!”

He quirked a brow and took another step into me, backing
me against the wall with his huge body and my pulse quickened as a rush surged
through me. God damn! Why the hell was this turning me on?

This man was fucking crazy and sex should be the last
thing on my mind.

“You want me to reciprocate, honey. You want my palm on
your tight backside, giving you what you need?”

“Fuck – you!”

My eyes dipped as his tongue slipped over his lip and his
mouth twisted into his familiar unique arrogant smirk, “You didn’t say please.”

He crushed his mouth over mine, his lips hard and
controlling as his fingers wrapped my hair around his hand and he tugged my
head hard, pulling my mouth onto his firmly.