Desires (14 page)

Stacie shook her head at herself. She’d known him less
than twenty-four hours and was smitten, craving him. After Graham, Stacie had
sworn that she would never fall into that trap again. She had vowed to remain
wary and careful about her friends and the men she spent time with, yet here she
was, sitting with a man who had trapped her without him even realising it.

What on earth was going on in her mind and her body? Dan
was like a lightning bolt, striking her common sense numb while her emotions whizzed
and sparked, and her body trembled like a schoolgirl with her first crush,
willing to do anything and everything to be noticed and get his attention. She
felt free and rebellious, wanting to break every rule in the book, be a naughty
girl, do things that would have horrified strait-laced Graham. Stacie wanted
everything from Dan, sex, love, devotion, and passion and to be seduced in more
ways than she had ever imagined. She wanted to find the other side of Stacie,
the side that had been locked away for years. It was time she had some serious
fun, and allowed her body to let go and enjoy everything he could throw at her.

She watched the way he speared his pasta, staring at his
hands, firm and brown. She trembled as she imagined those hands wandering freely
around her body, not missing a single inch of her skin. The thought of his
lithe fingers caressing her, teasing her, taking her to another planet, made her
jiggle with excitement. He could use those hands to tie her to the bed, to lay
her completely open to his whims.
Now
where did that thought come from?
Stacie delicately cut another piece of duck,
chewing thoughtfully. She had never had the urge to be tied to the bed before.
But the thought of having Dan in complete control of her, doing whatever he
wished to her, made her feel quite faint.

The little she’d learned of him during their light conversation
had served only to increase her interest, not satisfy it. The most insistent question
on her mind was,
Is he in a relationship?
Maybe this was Dan’s secret life. Maybe this was how he got his kicks. Certainly,
Stacie knew she would never be happy with any boyfriend of hers working in a
place like this. Why did a young, sexy, intelligent, kind man allow old women
to watch him play with himself? Stacie struggled to understand why he would do this
kind of job.

“Is everything all right?” she heard him ask. Caught in
thought, she looked up, startled.

“Great,” she replied, faking a smile.

“You seem to be miles away.”

“Do I?”

“You do. What are you thinking about?” he asked.

Stacie cast about in her mind. “Oh, I was just wondering
what my next lesson’s going to be.”

He smiled at her. “Is that the first excuse you could
come up with?” he said, loading his fork with pasta. Stacie raised her
eyebrows. Was she so transparent? “You want to find out more about me,” he said,
pointing his fork at Stacie before popping it into his mouth.

Stacie just stared at him for a second, her mouth
working like a landed fish. How did he know?

“Go on, get it off your chest, as my mother always says.”

She cut another piece of duck and chewed slowly, debating
whether to tell him and be honest, or just let it lie. It didn’t matter what
his answer was, really. Despite her feelings for him, they couldn’t ever be
together, girlfriend or no.

She finally looked up and met his calm gaze. The pit of
her stomach lurched. “I just can’t figure out why a good-looking guy like you
is here doing this line of work.” Well, it was part of what she’d been
wondering.

“I enjoy it, especially when I get stunning clients.”
His mouth curved in a half smile.

The food she’d just put in her mouth turned to dust and
she had to force herself to chew. What did he mean by that? Was he referring to
her, or did he mean the other clients he had pleasured? Her mind rapidly went from
picturing his hands running all over her body, to imagining him caressing other
women, gorgeous women, begging for him to make love with them. She was shocked
at the surge of black jealousy that filled her.

Stacie stared back at him as he filled his mouth with
another forkful of food. “How can you do this without feeling some kind of emotion?”

He regarded her coolly as he emptied his mouth. “It’s all
about the money, honey.”

“Yes, but you said you had stunning clients.”

“Some are more attractive than others. Some are,
shut your eyes and do your job, Dan
. I
cannot and will not have emotions for my clients,” he told her bluntly.

“What about what you want?”

“What do you mean by that?”

Stacie stopped to think. Questions whirled around her
head. She had a feeling this wasn’t going to work out well. Was she smitten
with a man who purely loved himself? He was waiting and she struggled to work
out how to answer without sounding like she had feelings for him. “Don’t you
owe yourself more respect?”

“Why? I am happy, Stacie, doing what I am doing. It’s
great having sex with women knowing they aren’t going to expect more from me. Out
there,” he waved a hand vaguely at the window, “you get clingy women who are
always wanting more. Here, I can have fun without that attachment. I don’t want
commitment…I want fun. This club gives me security. The contract ensures that.”

Stacie put her knife and fork down. She wasn’t hungry
any more.

“Is the food not good?”

“It’s excellent. I’m just full.”

Stacie understood. He was no better than any other man,
just wanting as much sex as he could and nothing deeper than that. And he was
gorgeous enough to be able to actually get paid for it as well. Stacie didn’t
want to confront him anymore—she’d heard enough. His looks weren’t compatible
with his outlook on life, but wasn’t it always the good-looking ones that were
full of themselves and selfish.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked, not caring any
more what he thought of her.

“I cannot answer that question.”

“Do you often get nosy women?”

“Not usually.”

“What do you normally do with your clients?”

He grinned. “Have sex.”

“Am I a new experience?”

“Kind of.”

He clearly was going to give the shortest answers
possible. “Am I boring?”

“No one is boring, Stacie,” he said, his expression
changing to a look of mild censure. She stared at the food on her plate,
wishing she’d never started this pathetic question time.

Stacie stood up and walked toward the large window. She stared
out at the dark winter evening, wishing they could have a proper conversation.
“It’s not easy for me, being here.”

“I know. You’re doing really well.”

Stacie began thinking about her time with Graham and how
cheap he’d made her feel. When they married, she didn’t have a clue what mind
games he was capable of. He’d manipulated her and that was just the beginning.
She had been brainwashed until there was nothing but crap in her head, being
told so often she was worth nothing that she came to believe it. She became his
servant—
If you loved me you’d want to
look after me
—lost everyone who was important in her life—
You should only want to spend time with me. You’re
supposed to love me
—lost her glamorous beauty—
Who do you need to dress up for? I don’t want other men looking at you
—and
had become a woman who was so low on self-confidence, she was afraid of
everything and everyone.

“What are you thinking?”

Stacie gave a short, humourless laugh. “Just thinking
about my husband.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What, tell you how pathetic and blind I was, not seeing
what mind games he was playing with me. How he left me with nothing and how stupid
and naïve I was?”

Stacie’s breath began to come short, closing her eyes
and picturing Graham in her head, standing over her, shouting down at her,
telling her she was a stupid fucking cunt as she curled up in a ball at one end
of the sofa, her hands over her ears. He’d always made it seem like it was her
fault, that it was something she’d said or done that made him lose his temper.
If she tried to get away from his vicious tongue, he’d follow her. One time
he’d followed her to the bedroom to continue his tirade, only to barricade the door
with his body when she tried to leave, preventing her from getting out. And
then, every time she told him that was it, she really was leaving him this
time, he’d cry, tell her he was sorry, tell her he’d try harder next time. And
she always gave in, always believed him, ignored that tiny voice telling her
she was stupid, that he’d never change,

She tried to calm her panicked breathing. It was over.
He couldn’t get her any more. Dan was waiting. “It was a friendship that
progressed. I met him through a friend. We all used to go out as a foursome. It
was great. Fun, fun, fun was our language— nightclubs, expensive weekends away,
even a holiday. It was a fantastic time. I was having the time of my life. I
was young and madly in love. He would do anything for me. When he proposed it
was like a fairy tale. Two dozen red roses, the best champagne, a stunningly
gorgeous ring. I jumped around for months, bouncing around like a mad woman, so
excited, getting everything prepared. I even bought my dream dress. It was so
expensive, but I looked amazing.” She smiled, remembering how she’d looked in her
stunning satin gown, with a chapel-length train, her hair curled and pinned on
the top of her head and crowned with a tiara.

“I bet you did.” Dan’s comment was so quiet she hardly
heard it.

She continued. “The day was totally hectic, everyone
running around me like I was a queen. It was a fabulous day—you just couldn’t
get me down the aisle quick enough. The venue was perfect and in the evening we
drank champagne all night. I just couldn’t stop staring at him, planning our
future in my head. Our honeymoon was incredible. I just knew that he was the
perfect man for me and that I would live the dream of a happy and fulfilling
marriage. Boy, was I wrong.

“I couldn’t believe how it had turned into such a
disaster. It was like my world had shattered. No one else saw it. My family,
friends, everyone loved him and thought he was the bees knees. No one could
fault him. He was helping, caring, considerate…the perfect son-in-law. But
behind the front door, he turned into a monster.”

She dared a glance at Dan. His eyes were sober, full of
compassion.

“The first time was the worst. We’d just got back from
our honeymoon. I had been at work all day and I was heading home. I was so
excited to get home to my husband. I walked through the door and rushed into
the kitchen to see his face full of anger. I asked him what the problem was and
he went mental, screaming at me, waving his fists, and then he hit me and,
guess why?” she asked Dan, knowing full well he wouldn’t know the answer.

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t wash the breakfast dishes before going
to work,” she said, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I couldn’t
believe it. I fell to the floor begging and pleading with him to stop, but he
began kicking me. I was crying and screaming, but it didn’t help. He called me
names, useless bitch, stupid tart and fucking useless whore, told me no man
deserves a useless lazy wife. Once he stopped, I could barely move. I managed
to sit up and curl myself into a ball. I had no idea what had happened. I spent
the night trying to make head or tail of it, but it was as if he was a totally
different person. I even attempted to talk to him, but he wouldn’t even look at
me. The following day I called my mum, and do you know what she said after I
told her what happened?”

“What?”

“She asked, what did I do to provoke him?” Stacie spat
the words out. “It must have been my fault, obviously, as Graham wouldn’t
behave that way. What chance do you have if your own mother isn’t on your side?
I cried a lot, but then after a while I began to wonder whether it was me and
how I could prevent that situation in the future. Maybe he’d just had a bad day
and it was a one-off.

“He was furious I’d spoken to my mum. The next day I
walked in the house and he was fuming. He rushed over to me, pinning me to the
wall with his face right in mine, telling me if I ever mention him hurting me
again, he would beat me black and blue so no one would recognise me. After that
he used to give me a list of jobs he expected me to do, so me being a complete
mug and with my mum saying a wife should look after her man, things just went
on from that evening.”

“Why did you not leave him straightaway?

“Why indeed? I asked myself that same question over and
over. But I didn’t want to admit that I’d failed in my marriage. And I guess I
thought this was something we could work on together. I wanted to help him with
his anger problems, support him, not just walk away from him. Isn’t that what a
wife is supposed to do, support her husband? And I was so in love with the nice
Graham that I figured I could put up with the nasty one. I know how silly that
sounds. I shouldn’t have had to put up with that from my husband, but it’s
amazing what you tell yourself.”