Deviation (Deviate Series) (12 page)

Angel

I never thought I would be in this position again. When I saw Nevaeh the first time at that party, I knew there was something about her that was different. I knew she was strung out but I could see she had a purpose. She reminded me so much of myself that I intervened when her boyfriend tried to handle her. I saw it then, the same determination that just ran across her face as she swallowed the last bit of pills she was able to cram in her mouth before I reached her. And here I am, again, willing a higher power to spare her life. I’m to blame for this one. I’m the reason she felt the need to leave this world yet again, but damn it if I’m not pissed at her for actually going through with it.

I don’t know why I pushed her away. Maybe it was because she was finally giving into me. But that morning, three days ago
, when we were supposed to meet my mom, I couldn’t go through with it. I knew my mom would love her once she got to know her. After all, she was the one I made the promise to. When it was me sitting in the hospital bed getting my stomach pumped from my attempted overdose, mom made me promise if I made it out alive that I would help the next person like me. This is why I stepped in front of the fist that was flying toward Nevaeh that night. It’s because I saw myself in her shoes, and if someone would have stepped in for me maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad. I kept my promise to my mom, I helped get Nevaeh back on the straight path, but I never counted on actually having feelings for her. That was my mistake. I should have known from the moment we locked eyes, she was going to be my undoing. So what did I do when I realized just how important she became to me? I pushed her away; I pushed her so hard and far that I didn’t know where to find her. I knew today was her birthday. I knew she planned to come see them for the first time; it was here that I was going to apologize. It was here that I was going to confess everything to her. How much I loved her, but I was too late.

I can hear the sirens
getting closer to us but I don’t move. All I do is cradle her in my arms and rock slightly. If no one knew, it would just look like I was holding her, but I know, and the EMTs know. Before I can argue with the EMTs, Nevaeh is being pulled out of my hands and loaded into the ambulance. I can see them shoving a tube down her throat and I wince because I’ve been there. I know how it’s going to leave her throat sore and raw. I can hear a machine making a sucking noise as I get closer to her. I can also hear the beating of her heart coming from one of the machines, but her eyes aren’t open yet. I need to see her eyes.

The EMTs are shutting the doors and telling me to follow them to the hospital. I let one of the groundskeeper
s of the cemetery drive my car up to the front of the building and get on the bike to follow her to the hospital. She’s rushed through the ER and I’m told to wait in the waiting room. A few cups of coffee, a worn path in the linoleum floor, and a few hours later, the doctor comes out.

“Angel?” he asks me, holding his hand out.

“How is she?” I ask, at least that’s what I think I asked.

“It’s a good thing the EMTs had that tube with them. They were able to suck most of the pills out. A few got into her system so we had to give her some activated charcoal to absorb the rest. She’s going to be unconscious for a few days until everything has worked its way out
,” he says.

“Thank god. Thank you, can I see her yet?”

“She’s being put into a room now, once everything is good to go the nurse will come get you.”

He turns and walks away. I sit back down in the chair and let out the huge breath I was holding. She’s ok
ay, we’re going to be okay. Now I’m just going to have to beg that she’ll take me back.

I feel like a complete jackass for turning my back on her to begin with. I was steady
in convincing her to give me a chance and repeatedly told her I wasn’t going anywhere. But the first chance I got I broke that promise. How am I any better than them? They used and abused her, and so did I. Maybe not in the same sense that they did but I treated her like she was dismissible when I knew she was going to need me the most.

It seems like an hour
has passed but it’s only been twenty minutes. The nurse came out to get me and lead me back to the room. This has to be the last time I see her like this. I don’t know if I could take it again. She doesn’t belong in this room; she belongs at home with me. They told me to talk to her, that she can hear me, but what do I say? So I say what I know I wouldn’t have the courage to say otherwise. I tell her how sorry I am for letting her walk away. I tell her I’m sorry for pushing her and making her think that she was hiding something from me when I knew she wasn’t. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. I say everything that makes me lose the man card. I’m a complete girl right now and I don’t even care. If it brings her back to me so I can see the smile and sparkle in her eyes, I’ll gladly do it over and over again.

Whipped. I’m so damn whipped and if it was anyone else I would gladly embarrass them. But I guess what they say
is true, you never know what love can do to you until it happens to you.

“Come on
, beautiful, just open your eyes. Come back to me.” I say as I lay my head next to our hands.

I try to swallow and panic. My hands come up to my mouth and I feel a tube. I try to pull it out when my hands get slapped away. My brows furrow and I want to open my eyes to see what I already know
I’ll see, but I refuse. I managed to screw it up again. How can something as easy as death be so damn hard to accomplish? I have an annoying buzz in the back of my head and memories of hearing him say things while I couldn’t move or respond flood my mind. I even remember the doctor and nurse coming in to check on me, what I don’t get is why the damn tube is still in my mouth.

Just then the nurse comes in and see
s that my heart rate has picked up and comes over to me. When she touches my arm, my eyes open. She’s an older lady, you can tell by the marks of wisdom around her eyes and mouth as she smiles at me.

“Just stay calm
, dear, I’ll have the doctor come in and remove the tube. It’s not going to be pretty so I’ll grab some ice cream on my way back. Any preferences?”

I look at her like she’s crazy. It’s not like I can speak
, but just as I’m about to shake my head no, Angel answers her with, “Chocolate.” She smiles and walks out the door. I hear him get up and come to stand in front of me, but before he gets in my eyesight I squeeze my eyes closed. He makes a production of sighing and sitting back down. The doctor comes in, fills me in with a bunch of medical words that I don’t understand and then the tube is being pulled from my mouth and I wince from the extraction.

I’m told I won’t be able to speak for a few days and to eat a lot of ice cream. I also hear among the chatter that I’m being released into Angel’s care. I can’t be left alone. It was either going along with this delusion of staying back with him or becoming a resident at the local psych ward. The choice was easy, especially since I can leave once we are home.

I start building walls around my heart again. If I’m going to have to do this then I won’t let it happen again. I won’t let his eyes entrance me and I’ll keep my distance. Hell, I’ll even stay in the white room just to prove the point that I won’t be staying there for long.

I spend the last night in this godforsaken bed
, which reeks of sterilization and death. The only good thing is all the ice cream I get. Angel comes back into the room, even though it’s past visitation hours, and the nurse doesn’t tell him to leave or anything, instead they give him a blanket and pillow. She smiles at me and shuts the door.

He keeps trying to get my attention but I won’t look at him, I try the T.V. but it has nothing on. I try
to sleep but without no luck. Even though my heart is barricaded, locked up, and buried, my body responds to his. It’s singing, begging for him to touch it, and I fight it with everything in me. But I’m starting to lose the battle. My will is slowly coming undone and even though my eyes are squeezed shut, I feel them opening on their own. The chair they have in my room turns into a recliner and my eyes make their way up from his feet to his face. I can tell he’s uncomfortable by the way his body is cramped into the chair, but the moment my gaze reaches his, my heart lurches.

His eyes are on me and the pain that I feel is mirrored in his eyes. No
, Nevaeh. You won’t let him suck you back in. A tear escapes my eye and his close. Pain? Regret? Whatever it is that he is feeling is his own fault. I close my eyes while his are still closed and will myself to fall asleep. Just when I’m falling into darkness I hear him whisper, “I’m sorry.” Darkness pulls me under and for the moment I accept his apology.

Just as quickly as sleep
overcame me, morning is waking me up. I open my eyes and see flowers all around the room. I see a pair of jeans and a tank, with my converse next to them, and smile. I know what he’s trying to do but I’m just thankful for my normal attire. Hospital gowns suck. I get cleared to take a shower after the IV is removed from my hand, and then get dressed.  I’m checking out of the hospital. They let me take a bowl of ice cream with me since my throat still hurts. I can speak… some. I sound so feminine and shy because my voice is feather light.

Angel’s parked
in front of the door as the nurse helps me to the car with all my flowers, and he smiles at me. I smile back at him politely as I get into the car. The normal quiet that used to comfort me is charged with the unspoken words we both need to say but neither of us has any idea where to begin. The ten minutes in the car are extremely tense. I see my bike outside and the same happiness I felt when I lived here starts to make an appearance. As soon as the car stops, I’m out the door and running to the side gate. The backyard is my sanctuary, the one beautiful thing in a sea of ugly. I sit down and then lie back in the grass as the smell of the garden takes over all senses.

I close my eyes and let the sun work its magic on me. I feel a cup being placed next to me and know its ice chips to soothe my throat. I smile and then hear him retreat back into the house. I’m treading on a thin line and I know it. But
it’s going to take a lot from him to change my mind and give him another chance. At least I hope it does. However the emotions swirling in me say different. I know I’m on the precipice and it could go one of two ways… one, I can allow myself to fall into the unknown and hope for the best, or two, I can turn away and say to hell with him and let the love I feel fester until there’s nothing left of me.

I can feel the sun setting and a slight breeze starts to pick up. Shivering from the drop in temperature, I sit up to glance around. Everything is the same. I look toward the pool and remember when Angel had to save me… again. I swear this boy is really a guardian angel. It’s like he’s so attuned to when I decide I’m going to attempt suicide and he just appears. It spurs an idea of a tattoo and I file it away for when I get my check from Martha, or tips, whichever I get more of first. Getting up, I head inside before the ever watchful comes outside to tell me to come in. As I’m walking in,
he’s heading out, and stops in his tracks when he sees me walk through the door. At least this time there’s no collision, that’s the last thing I need.

“Hey
, I was just coming to get you,” he sounds surprised.

“Yeah, it started getting cold.” As if to prove my point my body shivers.

“Why don’t you go take a hot shower, I’ll order us some pizza,” he offers.

“Sounds good. Extra peperoni for me
, please, and there’s money in my backpack wherever you put that,” I say walking off.

I can hear him grunt at even the prospect of me paying for food
, and feel his distaste from the way he grunted. It causes me to smile. I walk back into my old room and everything is the same, even the feel. It’s like I never left. All my makeup is still spread out on the counter in the bathroom, my shoes are strewn all over the closet, and all the clothes are still intact. Even the yellow sundress is lying across the center island in the closet were my intimates are contained.

Odd. I wonder why it’s still laying out. Shrugging it off, I grab a regular t-shirt, and some boy short panties with the bra to match. Shutting the bathroom door, I
turn the water on hot and get in. Since I had a shower that morning I don’t stay in this one long. I get dressed, grab my throw blanket off the bean bag, and make my way to the kitchen. No one’s in there. I hear the TV on so I walk into the living room and Angel is in some pajama bottoms. That’s it. I think I’m going to have a heart attack.

I try to recall if I’ve seen his naked chest before and can’t. I know I have because it seems familiar, but recalling past events are impossible. Intense desire is coursing through me. When I’m able to pull my eyes away from his chest to his face, he’s smirking at me. I roll my eyes not caring that I got caught. If he wants to play this game, I can play it too. Instead of sitting on the couch next to him
, I move the coffee table a little to the side so I can lay my blanket down in front of the TV. I sit and eat a slice of my double pepperoni pizza, drink some of the water he brought, and relax. Once I’m done with the pizza I stretch out on the blanket, facing the TV on my stomach. When I lean on my elbows, bringing my hands up so I can rest my face in my hands, the back of my shirt rides up. , Angel coughs like he’s choking on something, and I look over my shoulder to see him banging on his chest and drinking water. I just shake my head, smiling, and continue to watch whatever crap show is on.

A blanket is thrown on me and I laugh
, causing my throat to hurt and me to wince, stopping the laughing at once. I rise up to my knees and then Angel’s legs are in front of me.
I will not look up. I will not look up.
His hand comes into view and I grab it. He lifts me up effortlessly but instead of letting go like he should, he holds my hand while the other is rising up to my face. I step away, but he still doesn’t let go of my hand. I tug on it but he just tightens his hand around mine. He’s not going to let go until I look up at him. So instead, I turn to walk to the kitchen, I don’t make it far. He’s like a damn brick house. I only make it a few steps, the length of our arms, before I’m tugged back. Have you seen people dance and they spin the girl out and with a flick of the wrist she comes twirling back? That’s what he did. And yes, I ended up in his arms, just like they do.

My breathing
speeds up and my heart rate skyrockets. Damn him, and his god-like body, for having this effect on me. With one of his arms wrapped securely around me, I’m rendered still. His free hand is tugging my chin up, and being the stubborn person I am, I close my eyes. I hear his annoyed sigh at my reluctance to look at him. I won’t break, I won’t. Instead of waiting for me to open my eyes, he places his lips to mine. It’s not like all the other kisses we’ve shared. This one is pure need. Rough, undying need. It’s like he doesn’t believe I’m actually here and he’s trying to prove it to himself with this kiss.

I can tell the moment it sinks in that he really does have me here. The kiss turns soft, probing
, as he flicks his tongue over my swollen lips, begging me for entrance. When he nips at my bottom lip I gasp, allowing his tongue access. I don’t even feel us moving but we must have because my back is now up against a wall somewhere in the house. I’m pinned to the wall with his hips and his hands pull my hips into him. All of him, every hard inch of him, and just when I’m going to pull myself up to wrap my legs around him, he drops his head to my shoulder breathing loudly, and then steps away.

Confused
, I slide down the wall until my ass hits the cold floor. I can feel his eyes on me but I still won’t look at him. Not after that. Not after all the confusion that’s still swirling around inside of me. Damn it to hell, why can’t guys just be honest? All these games we play, it’s no wonder I’m so damn confused. I use the wall to help me get up, totally forgetting what I was getting up in the first place to do. Was there even a purpose or was this just another game? I don’t even know. I’m so rattled by the kiss and my hand comes up to touch my lips. I can feel the heat from his kiss and I can still taste him on my lips. The fact that they are swollen proves that he kissed me thoroughly. With my hand still touching my lips, my head is level with the floor. Slowly, I rake my eyes upwards, from his bare feet to his face. Looking through my eyelashes, his intense gaze causes me to take in a shaky breath.

Just
like before, the instant our gazes lock, it’s like we are both lost in one another. I’ve never seen it in him before, but he’s just as affected by me as I am by him. I revel in that, but it doesn’t make what this is between us any easier. If anything, it complicates it. Breaking whatever it is that pulls us into each other, I walk down the hall and into my room. As I look around and think about sleeping in the white room, I realize the “statement” I was planning to make is ridiculous. As much as I hoped I would be able to walk away, I won’t be able to. Not again, I don’t have the strength to stay away from him again.