Deviation (Deviate Series) (7 page)

There comes a point when you have to look back on your life and realize the only person to blame is yourself. It’s so easy to blame others for the horrific things that happened to you, but when you actually take the time to sit there and think about it, it’s you. The one common entity that all these events have in common is staring back at me.

I’ve never been fond of mirrors. Random, I know, but think about it. You can hide yourself from everyone by playing the part, dressing the part, hell you can hide yourself by believing you’re someone else. But when you stand in front of a mirror all you see is yourself. It’s a deeper connection than the one around you. Do you know why? I can tell you why, because I’ve played that part. I’ve put on a front for so long that I was consumed by the role. I became the role.

Before my sister and parents died I wasn’t the perfect teenager but I wasn’t this…mess that I’ve become. I was a straight A student in school, but not the nerdy girl. I was one of those girls who could fit in anywhere and everywhere. I
was that girl you passed in the halls that always had a smile on her face. I was never popular but I didn’t lack friends either. I could sit anywhere and be happy. That all changed the day they left me here. I seem to get lost in thoughts about the past more often when Angel is around. I think it’s because he makes me feel safe. He asks me about what happened, about who I used to be, but I’m not ready to open up to him, not completely.

Angel thinks I need to go to a counselor to talk about the past
, their deaths, about what happened to me in foster care, and about my addictions. He thinks that it will help me. He’s wrong. I can feel the itch every day, the insane need to drown it all away, to reach into the darkness and surrender myself to oblivion again. He says he understands, that it’s a process but I don’t think he grasps just how much I struggle. Angel’s been there. He’s a recovering addict. He wants me to open up to him and part of me wants that; the part that’s completely head over heels in love with him. But then there’s this whole other side of me. A side that craves his touch, his intense gazes that promise so much more, but that’s also the part of me I’m trying to lock away; the part of me that screams trouble. Trouble, that if released again, I won’t be able to control.

I’m staring at myself in the
bathroom mirror. It’s 3 am and I’m fighting with my reflection. Each part of me is demanding to be brought to the surface. The one looking at me is the girl I used to be. She’s begging to be let out, to be more than a reflection. Then there’s me, the one in the here and now, the damaged one looking to take over completely. Fighting, always fighting, it’s like a never ending battle raging within me and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it, I don’t know if I want to. It’s a constant reminder that this is the path I chose. The path so off course that I don’t know if I can ever return to the original one. I didn’t leave bread crumbs like Hansel and Gretel, although those didn’t work out well for them either.

I walk out of the bathroom and go to
the bookcase to look for a book. I can see I’m not going to be going back to bed anytime soon, so I might as well do something productive, in an attempt to get my mind off of the war raging within. Running my fingers over the bindings of the books, head tilted to the right reading the spines, I come to this worn blue book. It looks completely out of place with the others. Where they look new, you can tell this one is old. It has no writing on the spine, so I pull it out to see what it is. Inscribed on the front, in the most beautiful cursive I have ever seen is the word
Divinity.
Completely intrigued to find out what this book is about, I head over to the lamp by the bean bag, turn it on, and collapse into the soft material. .

The book contains p
age after page of information on destiny and the course we are on, including different people’s takes on fate and whether they believe that we are all destined for a certain path. There was a story about how this girl didn’t believe she would ever get back to her given path; her destiny is what she called it. After years of working on righting the wrongs she’d committed in the past, she finally believed she was on her predestined path and was finally happy. I close the book after her story to think about what I’ve read. If they’re right and we are destined for something, what the hell could I be destined for? How can this be the life laid out for me by the fates? I guess they have a sick sense of humor. Maybe they pick people to have issues in order keep themselves entertained.

What if the book holds truth? Can I be like that girl? Maybe I was on the right path up until everything happened and I’ve been deviating ever since. Is there a way to get back to that?
To free the girl trapped in the mirror? But if she’s free, would the present me go into the mirror, or is there a way to merge the two? Maybe accepting all that I’ve done for what it is will be the key to becoming myself again.

“Nevaeh?” Angel’s voice breaks my concentration.

From the look on his face and pitch of his voice, he’s been standing in front of me for a while now calling me. “I’m sorry, I got lost in thought.”

“I see you found the book about paths?” He asks with a smile.

Times like this the ugly me turns her head. The first thing that wants to come out of my mouth is
no shit captain obvious
, but instead I just smile and nod my head.

“Do you believe in this?” I ask.

“I do. I think we all have a path we’re meant to take and when we stray too far from it people are placed in our lives to give us the option to be lead back or to ignore them and keep on the current path we are on,” he says.

I don’t know if anyone
else shares in my attraction to an extremely hot guy speaking the way Angel just did. I know it’s not something miraculous but there is just something so sexy to me about a guy with a head on their shoulders.

“Nevaeh, you’re spacing out on me again
,” he says through a smile.

I shrug my shoulders, “Yeah, well it’s your fault. Don’t sound so smart if you want to keep my undivided attention.”

With that he laughs and I blush. The damn heat in my face flares when my gaze reaches his and I can see the fire burning within them. My breath catches in my throat and the atmosphere is charged with electricity that caresses every piece of exposed skin. That’s when I realize I’m only in a tank and some boy shorts. It’s about the same time Angel notices my lack of clothes and takes a step forward. His gaze never waves as he brings his hand up to my face and pushes a piece of my hair behind my ear, sending sparks through my body.

“I very much believe that we all have a path. Sometimes our paths cross with another
’s path and destiny is reshaped. Sometimes we cross at the exact moment when we are needed most. Nevaeh, maybe our paths crossed a week ago to get us here. Maybe this is our destiny,” he says huskily, eyes hooded.

Alt
hough everything in me is telling me to give in, it’s obvious we both have this insane attraction to one another. An attraction   easily taken care of by removal of clothes and joining of limbs, but there’s a nagging voice at the back of my mind saying to wait. If this is supposed to happen, if he is my destiny like he thinks, then he’ll wait. He’s searching my face and when he sees that I’ve made my decision his hand drops away from my face and he backs out of the door, closing it softly without looking back.

Disappointment
, it floods my body like the unwanted emotion it is. I hate doing this to him but he has to know that I’m not ready for whatever it is he’s offering. Even if I want it, crave it, it just can’t happen like everything else. It can’t be rushed, pushed, forced. It needs to develop. I need to find the person I lost years ago. I need to find who I am before I can move forward with anything in my life. I can’t be this girl who gets naked because she has the undeniable urge to run her hands all over his body, to feel him in every way possible.

Clearing my thoughts,
I walk straight to the closet to grab some jeans, put them on, and walk out of the room to the kitchen where I hear Angel banging things around. It’s starting to get a little easier working the button with my left hand. Hopefully this cast will be coming off soon. Straightening my back I walk into the kitchen and run right into his chest. For the love of all that’s holy, can I not walk without falling or walking in to someone? Before I can help it, a giggle escapes. Angel freezes and looks down at me, my hand covers my mouth and my eyes are wide. I haven’t laughed or giggled genuinely in so long that it sounds foreign to me. I step back to put a little distance between us, “We need to talk.”

He nods
towards the chairs at the bar and we sit down. Giving myself a quick pep talk, I dive right it. “Okay, Angel, we obviously have this crazy attraction to each other and I know we both want to act on it, but I can’t. “ His face drops. “I need to find who I am first. I’m not saying that I don’t want to spend time with you, or get to know you as you get to know me. Or at least, the person I want to be, but until then I think its best we start off as friends and let it work out. No rush, good ole fashioned getting to know one another first,” I say.

He’s looking me over and through a smile he says, “Nevaeh, I know exactly who
you are but if you need time to figure things out for yourself, I can do that.”

“Okay, we
’ll play it by ear then.” I smile at him and feel optimistic about everything.

After the talk you would think that the atmosphere around us would lighten up a little or in the very lease dissipate. It does everything but that. It increases to the point that I’m fanning myself with a piece of paper that was lying on the counter. I can’t even look Angel in the eyes right now
. Hell, it’s hard to even be in the same room with him. How the hell am I going to be his roommate for however long it takes me to get a job and save up enough to get out on my own?

As
I stand up to get a bottle of water out of the fridge, Angel reaches for the door handle. . Our hands connect and I freeze. Literally, I don’t breathe, don’t move an inch while his hand is on top of mine, and I can’t help but revel in the warmth his touch brings. The tingles that are slowly traveling up my arm, across my chest, down to the tips of my toes and back up to my head are making me delirious. Love drunk? Is that the term I’ve heard? It sounds completely insane but extremely accurate. My eyes close on their own and I breathe in his intoxicating smell.

If feels like minutes are going by as we stand there.
My breath comes out as a whimper. Angel’s hand entwines with mine, while his free hand turns and tilts my face to him. I leave my eyes closed before I can see the expression on his face. I can feel the desire pouring off of him, pulsating in waves that are begging me to crush myself to him. To let him take me right now on the floor, the counter, hell against the fridge that way we don’t have to move too far. But I won’t cave. I won’t let sex interfere with whatever this is. If this is real then he’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not going to make the same mistakes I’ve made over and over again. It’s not going to be easy; it’s going to be downright torture in every sense of the word, and an absolute test of self-control on both our parts. Self-control that I’m not sure I have. Self-control that’s disappearing as I inhale his scent and let his touch electrify me until I turn to mush.

His forehead is resting against mine,
and I feel his breath fan across my face. I open my eyes at the same time he does. Looking at me are those electric blue eyes, eyes that haunt every moment of every day. Pink used to be my favorite color, but if anyone was to ask me right now, it would be blue. Not just blue. A vibrant blue that looks electric. A blue so amazingly unique there’s no color to match it. I can see the hunger in his eyes, feel it in the way his chest is rising and his breaths are coming in short, rapid gasps. I can feel it in the way his hand is now resting on the back of my neck. In the way the other hand is no longer holding mine, but digging into my hip. If he was to kiss me right now, there’s no way I would be able to put on the breaks. No way.

His eyes flicker down to my lips as my teeth pull my lower lip in to stop me from kissing him. He lets out a guttural growl, closes his eyes, and steps back. I open the fridge, grab a bottle of water, and dash for my room. As soon as the door closes, my back hits the door and I slide down it. How am I going to do this? If every moment is going to be like that, there’s no possible way for us to stay fully clothed.

Zero.

Zilch.

Nada. This attraction is beyond intense. It’s borderline obsessive.

I have to get my mind off of Angel right
now; otherwise I’ll go finish something that wasn’t started. I walk over to my massive bean bag and plop down in it. Picking up the book I was reading earlier, I dive back in. More talk about paths and destiny. More people’s stories and beliefs, blah blah blah. Then my eyes catch on something.
Devine Destiny. It is said that once, every hundred years, fate stumbles upon an echo. The echo is thought to be a blessing but in the past, all echoes have been cursed. Echoes are offered more chances to change the way they live in hopes of being a blessing, in hopes of bringing a change to their own life or that of someone around them. Many fail and succumb to their sins in the form of stimulants. There is a legend that states two echoes will be born in one year and their paths will cross. Each will save each other bringing forth Devine Destiny, a chance for everyone’s sins to be cleansed.

I don’t believe in legends but if I did, I
would feel as though the book is pointing at me and Angel. However, it’s one of those things that takes faith to believe in and I’m not sure I have any.

“Lost in that book again
, I see,” he laughs.

“Jesus Christ
, Angel, can you make some noise before you enter and give me a heart attack?” I say jumping in my seat.

I’m rewarded with more laughter. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone laugh as much as Angel. His laugh is entirely his own. It suites h
im perfectly and is contagious, so much so, that I find myself laughing. It’s an odd feeling. Going from never laughing to being able to do it freely, is liberating. And I feel like the girl trapped in the mirror is making herself known, but she’s blending with who I’ve become. One black, one white blending together to form grey. It may not be the prettiest of colors, and I’m not sure if I would even call grey a color, but it’s better than being two separate pieces to a whole.

“I swear Nevaeh, you’re always of
f in la-la land when I’m around you. Where did you just go?” he asks with a smile.

“Honestly?” I ask. He nods. “Well, I was just thinking that it’s been so long since I’ve laughed. Like actually laughed, that I feel the old me coming to the surface. Then
I thought about it. How the old me is resurfacing but not taking over. It’s like two pieces of me, the old and the new, are coming together to form this big mass of grey,” I say looking up at Angel.

He’s standing there in thought and just
as I’m about to tell him to forget what I said, he speaks. “I didn’t realize how deep you are. The way you look at things is refreshing. I know what you mean about forming grey, though I am surprised you chose those colors and not something more girly like red and white to make pink,” he laughs.

“Hey! I don’t know if I should take offense to that or not but the reason I said grey is because that’s what black and white make. The person I am now is so corrupted by drugs and alcohol which would be associated with evil, hence the black. Who I was before was pure, untouched by life and the drama that comes with everyday living, also known as white.” I shrug, “Everything in life is a balance. Some people are blacker than they are white or vice versa, but I like to think that with my experience I’m an equal amount of both. Grey
may not be a pretty color but it’s one that makes sense.”

“You’re very philosophical
, Nevaeh.  I can tell I’m going to enjoy holding conversations with you, but before we explore our minds further, we have to get your license,” Angel smirks.

My brows knit together, “Wait, what? What license?”

“I assume you don’t have a license for driving your bike?” He looks at me like he knows what I’m going to say.

“Well actually
, I do. I just don’t have the license with me. It’s back with Timo at the place we stayed at,” I look away.

“Ah well, I guess that means we will be heading to the DMV to get you a new one?” his face has harden
ed.

“I suppose I need ID to get a job
, right?” I ask.

“Oh that reminds me. There’s this coffee house a few streets over that’s looking for help. Our neighbor on the right side owns it and asked if I
knew anyone who was looking. I told her you were, I hope you don’t mind, but it might be a good start,” he shrugs like it doesn’t matter but I know it does.

This is his indirect way of keeping an eye on me. I know I should feel some sort of excitement but I’m a little put out. I mean he should trust me right?

“Angel, is this your way of keeping an eye on me because you worry about me or is it because you can have someone you know, make sure I don’t relapse?” I ask without looking at him. I’m afraid of the answer.

A few seconds go by and I get up to walk out of the room when he grabs my hand. He waits until I look up at him, “Either
way I answer that question you’re going to get mad. Yes, I would like for you to work there because I know it’s safe. Yes, I want you to work there so you can have someone who understands addiction and can keep a watchful eye one you. Is that wrong and slightly possessive? Maybe. Do I care? No, not really. I don’t care how angry you get if it means me protecting you.”

And just like that all the anger that was simmering is extinguished
. Just like that the last remnants that encased my heart, shatter and get carried away by the jarring emotions that are taking over. I see the same emotions reflected in his eyes and he must see them in mine, as well, because he’s smiling. His eyes are shining as bright as the stars on a clear summer night in the country. I don’t know when it happened or why it happened, but my addictions are no longer what they used to be. My addiction is now this embodiment of everything I don’t deserve, but everything I can’t live without.

So I do it. I break my promise and hope that we will be able to stop before it goes too far. I bring my
left hand up to his face and stroke his cheek. I run the pad of my finger over his lips and when they part, I feel his breath. Before I can change my mind, I turn into him. My casted hand on his chest the other on his arm; I lean forward and kiss him.

It’s not like our first kiss, but this one means so much more. I kiss him slow,
putting as much passion into the kiss as I can gather. My hands make their way to his neck, melding me to him. His hands snake around my back, pressing me into him, encasing me. I should be stiffening, freezing, but I’m not. Angel has managed to erase my fears with his touch, his kiss, and his warmth. In his embrace I’m home, I’m safe, I’m just Nevaeh. My want is building; the need to claim him before he can change his mind is clawing at me. I pull back, breaking the kiss by resting my head against his for a moment before I go back in for another kiss, then another.

Smiling, eyes closed, “I don’t know what it is about you
, Angel, but when we’re like this I feel as if nothing can touch me. Like I’m safe. Like I’m home.” I whisper the last part.

I lay my head on his chest for a moment, his heart is beating erratically, but I know if I was to listen to my own it would be singing the same tune. What we have might be unconventional, it might be miniscule, it might be the death of
us both, but for right now it’s everything. It’s the sun shining down on us right now, the air we’re breathing, and the blood flowing through our veins. It’s all that keeps us alive, but it’s also all that can kill us.

End us.

Change us forever.