Deviation (Deviate Series) (6 page)

Fuck. I throw my keys at him and walk back into my closet slamming the door shut. I can hear him laughing. “Fuck you
, Angel,” I yell through the door causing him to laugh more. If war is what he wants, two can play that game.

Being in this closet
, surrounded by the dark is comforting. Lying on the hard floor is like being back at home. Home in the sense that it’s familiar. I can always count on the hardness, its coldness, the never ending feeling of discomfort and disappointment. It’s like me in a way.

I remember when I would try to hide behind the clothes when I was in one of the bad homes. I would open the window so it looked like I ran away and then I would escape to the back of the closet. I would try to flatten myself to the wall as much as I could,\ hiding behind thick, winter coats while boxes filled with shoes and sweaters would cover my legs. My breathing would give me away, though. I had asthma, so I wheezed when I was scared or when the clothes were dusty. Eventually I stopped hiding, stopped fighting, and stopped believing anything would be different. I stopped pretending that hope was a possibility and opened my eyes to the bleakness of reality.

I squeeze my eyes shut as if it would clear the thought
s away. It doesn’t. Nothing ever takes the thoughts away except being high. I curl myself into a ball and let the tears fall. I’ve cried so much that I don’t even make a sound anymore. Sobbing loudly only brought more punishment, so I learned to do it quietly until eventually there was no tears left to fall.

My body is starting to get stiff and my stomach growls. I don’t remember the last time I ate, hell I don’t even know how long I’ve b
een sitting in this closet. I heard him come into the bathroom a few times to check and see if I decided to leave my cave, but I won’t. If he wants to play this game then I can play too.

It’s amazing how much you can see in the dark once your eyes
become adjusted. I find my backpack easily and open it up. I know I have crackers in here so I grab a package and open it.  It hurts to swallow and my mouth is starting to go dry so I stop eating them.

Tap Tap Tap

I hold my breath.

Tap Tap Tap

I don’t say anything. I know who it is and I know he wants me to come out but I won’t cave. I won’t follow his terms no matter how thirsty or hungry I am.

“If I leave something to eat and drink on the counter will you please come out and get it? You’ve been in there for
two days now, Nevaeh. I’ll even shut the door to the bathroom so you won’t have to see me,” Angel’s voice is soft.

I don’t reply.
Two days is running through my mind. I’ve been in here for two days and the only thing that took over my mind was how frustrating Angel is. How my stiffness is a welcomed feeling, but Angel, Angel is the one thing I couldn’t push away.

“So stubborn
,” he says under his breath but I hear him.

Then there’s noise and a door shutting. I was going to stay in the closet but my tongue is starting to stick to the roof of my mouth and I need to use the bathroom. I open the door as quietly as I can and peek out. Not seeing him
, I open the door more, ready to shut it if I have to. Seeing no one around I go to the bathroom door and lock it. I hear a sigh on the other side of the door. I make it a point to just pee and not touch the food. I do drink the water from the bottle he brought. I also fill it up to take back with me into the closet. Now do I unlock the bathroom door? I look at the plate of food and decide I better; otherwise it might get pretty smelly in here.

I unlock the door
, and as I’m turning around walking back to the closet, the door is pushed open and I’m tackled. I don’t even register what’s happening until its too late. My face hits the tile floor and I feel warmth falling from my nose. I lift my head off the floor to see a pool of blood and the way each drop of blood falling from my nose adds to it, making it grow bigger and bigger. I raise my hand to my face to touch my nose and move it away. Yup, it’s definitely coming from my nose.

“Shit
,” Angel says while he gets off me.

I’m still on the floor
transfixed on the pool of my blood. I hate blood but I can’t look away. It’s like I’m frozen but my mind is going a mile a minute trying to recall something. Sirens are screaming their way through my head, voices yelling, and then there’s a light in front of my face. I look around me and see that I’m in a car, my sister is next to me but she’s not moving. The blanket that was in my lap is filled with blood. Her blood, my blood, a pool of blood and then I’m being ripped away.

“Nevaeh! Nevaeh look at me!
” He screams.

I blink a few times and then look up at him. Terror
fills his face as he covers my nose with a towel and pulls me up, sitting me on the edge of the tub. He grabs another towel and covers up the blood, bringing me back to the present. I get up and walk to the sink. I remove the towel and rinse the remaining blood from my nose and hands.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t think I was coming at you that hard. I just wanted you
to come out of the closet and eat.  I knew if I waited you would lock yourself back up,” Angel says so fast that I barely understood it at all.

I clear my throat and wince, “It’s not a big deal
, Angel, don’t worry about it.” My voice is still raspy like I’ve been a smoker for years. “If it’ll make you feel better I won’t go back into the closet.”

He sighs, shoulders relaxing as he walks up to me. He brings his hands up to my face tilting my head back to make sure I’m not bleeding anymore. He touches around my
nose making sure I’m okay and I just shrug. The corners of his lips turn up slightly and I can feel his lips on mine again.  My face flushes as I move my eyes to his and try to step back. His hands don’t fall from my face like I thought they would. Instead he steps forward, keeping that same distance. I can see he’s trying to make a decision and for once, I feel hope. It’s this unexplainable burst of light in the dark.

His hand slides down my arm to rest on my hip as his other slides to the back of my neck
and knots in my hair.  My mind is telling me to push back, to move, but my heart is telling me to stay. I stand there as his face inches closer and his lips meet mine in a slow kiss. The moment his lips meet mine everything disappears, everything. My hands move up to hook around his neck and I pull him closer to me. It’s a slow kiss, a kiss that means more than it should, than it possibly could, right? His hand has moved to my lower back pulling me toward him and I moan at the contact. He bites my bottom lip then soothes the bite with a swipe of his tongue causing me to open my mouth.

He angles his head, deepening the kiss as our tongues dance around each
other. The kiss is becoming needier as we stay locked together. His hand is now under my shirt, caressing my back, sending goose bumps all over my body. Just when I’m about to move my hand to his shirt to pull it off he breaks the kiss. With the both of us breathing heavy he rests his head against mine, eyes closed, and arms around me.

As much as I want to continue what we were on the verge of doing, I’m glad he stopped us. I’m lost and
I fear I might be falling for this guy I don’t know. I was with Timo for about four years and he never made me feel like this. He never took away the thoughts or cravings like Angel is doing. The only thing I find myself craving is him and that scares me more than craving drugs. Angel could leave me, he could be the final thing to break me to the point of no return and there’s nothing I could do to stop that. He’s so far under my skin in a matter of what, three, four days? I’m terrified of what’s going to happen at the end of the week.

I step away from him and feel panic setting in. That suffocating feeling I get is full blown and I’m trying to catch my breath
, but can’t. I collapse on my knees as I try to calm down but it’s only making it worse. I can feel him behind me. I can hear him telling me to take a deep breath and to let it out, over and over again. It’s not working this time. I start to crawl away from him when he bends down in front of me, demanding I look at him. I try to avoid his gaze but then he grabs my face forcing me to look at him. His eyes capture mine and he says, “Just breathe, baby.”

Baby? For some reason that does the trick, I start calming down and my breathing
becomes normal. Then I get angry. I have no reason to be angry, I know that, but lashing out is what I do. It’s what kept me alive. I lash out at the only person that cares about me.

“I’m not your baby. Don’t ever call me that again.
And while you’re at it, don’t ever kiss me again.” I push away from him and want to retreat to my cave but he’s too close. So I settle for going into the room and sitting in the bean bag chair.

He doesn’t say anything as he walks out of the bathroom. He doesn’t even look at me. He just walks out of the room shutting the door behind him. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse than I did yesterday when he pulled me out of the pool
, but apparently I can. I keep telling him I’m going to break his heart, maybe he’ll eventually believe me and let me go to ruin my life the way I’ve been doing. Maybe then he’ll see that he’s too good for me like I know he is.

Push. That’s what I do. I push anyone and everyone that could possibly ever care about me away. I alienate myself to the point where no one wants to be around me. It’s easier that way.

The sun is starting to set on another day. That means I have only a day and a few hours left with Angel. One more day to stay in my room to avoid him, to hate him, to do everything I can but let myself get attached to him. There’s no rehab for that. He’s an addiction even if he doesn’t know it. He’s the worse kind and best kind of addiction rolled into one sexy package.

As the light in the room gets dimmer and dimmer I wait to see if he’s going to come back, but he doesn’t. Good. It’s now dark outside and I’m aware of every
movement in the house. I can hear him in the kitchen and as he walks to his room, he pauses at my door, but then continues on and my heart sinks. It’s what I wanted. I wanted him to keep his distance but a part of me hoped he wouldn’t. That’s the part of me that I’m upset with, that’s currently using every cuss word under the sun to tell myself off.

I get up off the bean bag and go to the window. It looks beautiful outside. I wonder if I could sneak out the back door so I can sit on the deck and look up at the sky. I make my way to the door as quietly as I can, turn the nob and look in the direction of his room. His door is shut and I can hear the TV on so I slip out, shutting the door quietly. I stand still for a moment and then tip toe to
the kitchen. As I open the door I grab a jacket hanging on the back of the chair and step onto the deck. I slip it on as I lower myself into one of the lounge chairs and look up. I start connecting stars, making silly shapes the way my little sister and I used to do when we would camp in the backyard. I smile at the memory and then think how I must be disappointing her. I think how angry she would be with me if she could speak to me. Then I become angry with myself because what if she was alive? What kind of role model would I be right now? A tear slides down my face.

That’s when everything shifts in my mind. That’s when I know I’m not going to go back to doing drugs or drinking. I’m going to be someone my sister would be proud of. I’m going to be that daughter my parents would show off to their friends or colleagues
, because I can be. Maybe then I can be good enough for Angel. First I have to stay until the week is up and then find a job. I smile a real smile, one that I know is reaching my eyes if I could see it.

I’m so deep in my thoughts
, drifting away, thinking about all the things I can do, that I don’t hear him come outside. I look over at him standing by the door and my heart beat stutters. The moonlight cascading over him gives him this ethereal glow. It’s like he matches up to his name, Angel, my guardian Angel. I smile at him and I can see the confusion on his face. I laugh and his brows furrow. I pat the space next to me; he looks hesitant but walks over and sits down.

“I don’t think I’ve told you properly, but thank you.” He
attempts to say something but I put my hand up and continue, “Thank you for standing up for me against Timo and for approaching me that night at the lake. Thank you for taking a chance on me and bringing me to your home. Thank you for offering your help, for dressing and undressing me when I couldn’t.” His face turns scarlet but I continue, “Thank you for bringing me back from the other side, thank you for showing me that a kiss could mean more than a prelude to sex. But most of all thank you for making me realize that things can get better.” I lean over and kiss his cheek.

I can see him processing everything I just said
, trying to formulate a reply.  “Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye then?”

“I guess in a way I am. I mean in what
, a little under a day and a half, it’ll be a full week and you’ll be free of me,” I say quietly.

He’s studying my face, eyes searching my own, looking for something that I hope he can’t see. He does though. I can see it when it registers in his eyes because they smile.

“What if I said you could stay here? I know you’re going to want to leave but you can stay here until you have enough saved to get your own place. I can even put a good word in wherever you go to apply.” He’s hopeful and playing slightly dirty.

I laugh. “Oh
, Angel, I don’t know if that would be a good idea, I mean I love your house but I don’t know.”

“Well I think it’s a good idea
, besides where else can you go that will keep you on the right path?” He asks.

Damn it. I hate when he’s right and his cockiness shows. Can I do it? Can I live with him without showing my true feelings? Only one way to find out, “Fine, just for right now though and I’ll leave as soon as I can. Deal?”

“Deal,” he sticks his hand out for me to shake.

I shake his hand trying to ignore the tingles that spread through me
with our contact. I groan inward, knowing this is going to be the sweetest torture possible. Flirting never hurt anyone as long as we don’t take it past that. Friends can flirt, right? He turns away from me looking around the yard, a smile is playing across his lips and I can’t help but smile too.

Oh hell what did I get myself into?
This is going to be a totally different game and I have no idea how to play it. I just hope we both come out in one piece.

We sit next to each other in a comfortable silence
, charged with desire. Looking at the stars, I can feel his gaze sweeping over my body, always lingering on my face until I smile. Then he looks away and I stare at him until he looks at me. Each stare makes the air around us thicker and I have no idea how we are going able to keep our hands to ourselves. I have to literally sit on my hands so I don’t reach out and run my fingers through his hair.

All of a sudden,
Angel stands up and walks inside but I’m not ready to go in. I plan to stay out here all night looking at the stars, making plans under them. I sink lower in my chair and start to fall asleep. I’m being moved to a sitting position and then lowered again. My head is on a hard chest as a blanket covers us. I bring my left hand to rest on his chest and curl myself into him, sighing. I feel his chuckle and I smile digging my head into his chest more as his arms wrap around me securing me to him. I allow myself to feel safe and secure in his embrace, knowing that when I wake up he will be there next to me. With a kiss to the top of my head, I fall a little more as I slip into the darkness that accompanies sleep.

*******

It takes one day to realize the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy and leave. Two days to realize you’re as pathetic as the asshole you stayed with. Three days to get a combination of drugs out of your system. Four days to wish life would end so you take matters into your own hands. Five days to be saved. It takes a week to realize everything each of those days has in common, are the vibrant blue eyes that are staring at me right now. A week. Just one week to see that I’m broken but not unfixable, one week to realize everything doesn’t come with a price. One week to fall in love with love. One week to fall in love with you.

Who meets someone and falls in love in a week? Is love a controllable emotion? If I walk away right now will the love I think I feel disappear? Just the thought of walking away makes my stomach clenching in anxiety and my heart race.
No. No, I couldn’t walk away and hope this feeling would disappear. The thing is, does he feel the same way? I feel it in his kiss, the way he kisses the top of my head. In the way he looks at me, seeing me, not the pretty package on the outside. He sees the me that lies within. He doesn’t know all the specifics, but he knows I have a past and he still looks at me like… like I’m the sun.

I keep searching Angel’s face for
that thing that’s going to give something, anything away, but he just sits there with the most adorable smirk on his face, content, and dare I say happy. Happy, like he’s the one who has won this amazing prize and can’t stop staring at its magnificence. He’s wrong though. He didn’t win a prize, I did. Now I just have to prove I deserve it.

Angel makes us some breakfast and we eat outside. It’s so b
eautiful in his backyard that I seriously consider staying in this spot forever. I can feel myself relaxing, opening up to that possibility; can I be a forever girl for Angel? Does he deserve better than me? Definitely, but I also know I can become a better. I can be the girl that I used to be. The girl that Angel would love, could love. The girl that deserves more than what I allow myself now.

For the first time since I
lost my old life, I feel like myself. I feel the walls inside of me cracking under his heated gaze. His hand grabs mine on top of the table, causing more pieces to crumble, and when he smiles the remaining pieces shatter. I’m completely vulnerable and I’ve never felt more alive. The only way I can describe the feeling that’s flowing through my veins, is by getting up and proving to everyone in my past that I’m not just a shell and live the life that keeps being given to me.