Diary of a Wanted Woman (17 page)

I stood outside of David’s house feeling like I should have just stayed at home. I guess I could only avoid him for some long. He called asking me to come over and talk to him.

He was flying out for an away game and wanted to get some things off his chest before he left. I was afraid of what he wanted to say to me but I was more afraid of his reaction after I tell him what I wanted to say.

After spending so much time with Keith, I decided that I didn’t want to give up what I had with him. I wanted David and I wanted Keith. I was hoping David wouldn’t take his ultimatum literally. I wasn’t sure I could live without either one of them.

I knocked on the door and it instantly opened. I think he was looking out of the window or something waiting for me.

“Hey babe, come in.”

He moved and I made my way past him into his home.

I turned and looked at him. He was standing there with his arms out. I walked into them and we embraced. He grabbed my hand and led me through his foyer and into his living room. We both sat down on the couch and he slid his arm across my shoulders.

We sat there for a few minutes in silence. I could tell that we were both nervous about what we wanted to say to the other.

I for one just like Stacey hate awkward silences so I just had to say something.

“So, you’re all ready and packed?”

He smiled.

“I guess. I have my nice suit and for the rest of the time it’ll probably be uniform and jerseys.”

He moved closer to me on the couch and placed his hand under my chin. He lifted my gaze until we locked eyes. He placed a kiss on my lips. He deepened the kiss sliding his tongue into my mouth and capturing mine.

He buried his fingers in my hair kissing me like he had never kissed me before.

I could feel my body heating up at his touch and I wanted him to lift me up and carry me into his bedroom. I didn’t know how to explain the feeling that came over me. I felt a wave of guilt. I thought about Keith and the promise I made to him. I wanted to be with Keith and I wanted to show myself that I could be faithful to him in our special way.

I knew what I had to do and it just made me sad. It was a sadness that I could not explain. I knew I had to tell him before this went any further.

I pushed away from him.

He didn’t look happy that I had done that and he glared at me.

“What?” he asked folding his arms across his chest.

“I have something that I want to say.”

He sighed.

“Why do I have a feeling that I am not going to like what’s about to come out of your mouth?”

I took a deep breath.

“David, I have an answer to your ultimatum.”

He looked down for a minute, and then he looked up at me.

“So what’s it going to be?”

I ran my fingers through my hair. I could feel my eyes fill up with tears.

“I just can’t be your girlfriend.”

He was silent for a few minutes. I just sat there looking at him waiting for him to speak.

He sighed.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

I didn’t answer. I just looked down at my hands. I wasn’t sure what I could say that would not hurt his feelings. I am not known to have very much tact.

“I had a feeling that when I told you I loved you, you might run. For some reason you are afraid of being hurt. I am convinced it has something to do with your past but you never say.”

“It has nothing to do with me being hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He just didn’t seem to get it. Either that or he just didn’t hear me.

“Why do you assume that you are going to cheat or hurt me? What makes you think you can’t be a good girlfriend?”

I want to shout to him that I could love him but I could not just settle for a sexual relationship with him for the rest of my life. I could not do it with Keith either and he realized that and was willing to sacrifice to have me.

“David, I’m just not capable of it.”

He looked at me suspiciously.

“Hannah, be honest with me. Are you seeing anyone else?”

I was shocked that he would ask that question. Did he know about Keith and me?
 
Did he know about our strange relationship? Keith and I agreed to keep things between us private.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Well, Stacey said you have been taking quite a few private phone calls lately and skipping out early a lot. I thought maybe you were seeing someone else.”

“So you guys have been talking about me,” I said trying to distract him.

“Don’t get offended. It’s just a conversation between two people that really care about you. We worry about you and a lot of the bad decisions you make. So are you seeing anyone?”

I didn’t want to lie to him but I didn’t want to tell him the truth either. If he knew I was sleeping with one of his teammates there might not be any salvaging of our friendship.

“No, I am not seeing anyone,” I lied avoiding his eyes.

He sighed as if he were relieved.

“Hannah, I love you and I want to make you happy. You just keep trying to hammer into my head and your own that you can’t be a good woman to me when I know you are. You are a great friend and I know that you would make an amazing girlfriend. I just think that if you were happier you could see what I see.”

He didn’t think I was happy? I mean I am not all smiled and bubbly all the time but I felt like I was pretty happy.

“What makes you think I’m not happy?”

He sighed.

“Hannah I look at you and you put on this front that you don’t cry and you are so strong and beyond-everything. It’s all a front.”

“I am happy and I make my own decisions. I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.”

“Hannah, I get that. I really do. Yet, that doesn’t mean that all your decisions are the right ones.”

He grabbed my hand and held onto it tight. I could tell his mood changed and he was serious.

“You know I would look at you and I would see this happy woman with really sad eyes. I always wondered what you were hiding and why you weren’t really happy.”

 
“David, I am not hiding anything from anyone,” I continued to lie.

“I don’t believe you. Only people that are unhappy do things that would only make their lives worse.”

I pulled my hand back.

“Whatever David.”

“Look,” I said standing from the couch.

I turned to him.

“I just came here to let you know that I care about you. You are like family to me but I can’t do more than that.”

He stood and we were standing face to face. Well, not face to face. More like face to stomach.

“I am not satisfied with that?”

He was really not going to give up on this. It was draining me and I didn’t have the strength to deal with this. I was hoping he would forget about his ultimatum.

“David, we have been good friends for years now and I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want our friendship to end over this.”

He cocked his head to the side.

“I don’t think it will mess things up. I think it will only get better if you’re with me.”

I shook my head.

“David, you can’t know that.”

He laughed.

“Baby, I do know that. I know how good it gets when two people are made for each other. I know how happy you make me and I know how happy we will be together.”

I was ready to cry but I tried to hold it inside.

“David, I can’t!”

I didn’t mean to get loud with him but I felt like I had to be clear as much as I possibly could. Plus I wanted to drown out the little voice in my head that was pleading with me to give in to him.

He looked a little sad when he walked over to me and placed his hands on my arms.

“Baby, I want to give you the world. I want to make you the happiest person on this planet.”

I knew that he could. I knew he could make me happy. That was never in question. I just knew that one man was just not enough for me and the sooner he knew that the sooner he would understand.

“David, are you willing to be with me and let me see other men sexually?”

I cannot begin to describe the look on his face.
 
He was shocked, confused and disgusted at the same time. I didn’t like his look. I could feel a tightness growing in my chest.

“I don’t even think I should justify that with an answer,” he said running his fingers through his hair.

“Fuck no! Why would you ask me a stupid question like that?”

I wanted to cry at that moment. It made me very sad to think that I now disgusted him. I for sure could not tell him about Keith and me now.

I sighed.

“Then we can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

He reached over and tipped my face up to look into his eyes.

“Do you really feel that you can’t love me enough to be faithful to me?”

I didn’t think that love factored into it. I loved him but it I knew it would not keep me here. I could not open my mouth to say those words however.

“Hannah, can you really look at me and tell me you feel nothing for me.”

“That’s not the point David.”

He sighed.

“Hannah,” he began calmly. “I love you. Can you honestly say that you don’t love me?”

I loved him. He knew that I did. Yet, that didn’t mean it was going to work. I was with Keith now and what Keith was offering sounded promising. I couldn’t walk away from it.

“David, I love you, but…”

“No buts!” he interrupted.

“Hannah, I would never hurt you and I don’t think you will ever hurt me. I just want you for who you are nothing more, nothing less.”

He was not giving up and the longer I stayed here the more likely it was that I could give in to him. He looked so upset and I hated to see him that way. I just wanted all his pain to go away.

“David I’m sorry,” was all I was able to say.

“Oh, you will be,” he said snatching me up and lifting me over his shoulder.

“David!”

He laughed.

“There is no point in arguing with me Hannah.”

He continued to carry me over his shoulder up the stairs and down the hall into his bedroom.

When we reached his room, he laid me gently down onto his bed. He slowly began to undress me. He kissed every part of me once it was exposed. He then climbed off the bed and began to undress himself.