Diary of a Wanted Woman (26 page)

He sat up and looked at me.

“Baby, don’t go. Stay the night. Stay with me.”

I didn’t think that was a good idea. I would not be able to take anymore punishment. I knew that would happen if I stayed.

“Keith, I think I should just go home.”

He glared at me and I knew that Mr. Hyde was rearing his ugly head again.

“Then get the fuck out.”

I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my clothes. He jumped off the bed as I picked up my panties.

He snatched them and the rest of my clothes from me.

“Get the fuck out.”

I just looked at him. He had this crazy look in his eyes and I just wanted to go but he was holding my clothes hostage.

“Keith, I’m trying but you have my clothes.”

“You can go home without them.”

I tried snatching the clothes from him and he threw them behind him across the room.

I sighed.

I tried to move behind him to grab my clothes. He came at me hard and strong snatching me up before I could react. He slammed me against the wall and I screamed.

He was still angry so he flung me across the room and I fell to the ground.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!”

This time I didn’t hesitate. I jumped up and ran out of the room. I didn’t grab my clothes. Completely naked I ran down the stairs grabbing my purse at the door. I ran as fast as I could to my car. I sat behind the wheel trying to catch my breath.

I started the car and drove all the way to my home naked and hoping that I was not pulled over. I was in shock as I drove home. I didn’t know how to feel. I felt numb and humiliated. I knew that was his plan.

I instantly began to blame myself. I knew something didn’t feel right when I arrived and yet I stayed. It was my fault for being there I kept telling myself. When I arrived at my condo, I just sat in the car.

I didn’t know how I was going to make it in the house without anyone seeing me. I looked in my backseat which was normally a mess and saw I left my old gym clothes that were in a crumbled pile on the floor. I put the dirty clothes on and walked as fast as I could to my front door.

I was fumbling with the keys because my hand was shaking so bad. I just could not steady them. Suddenly I heard someone call my name.

“Hannah!”

My goodness
I thought,
he followed me
. I dropped the keys and tried furiously to pick them back up again.

David bent down and grabbed them looking at me worriedly. I just collapsed into tears. I was in a ball on the ground crying my eyes out.

He didn’t come to me at first. He used my keys to open my door and then he picked me up and carried me into my condo.

He walked over to the couch and sat me down gently. Then he walked over and shut the door.

He came back over to the couch and rubbed my back while I cried and cried.

“It’s okay baby. It’s okay.”

I could not stop crying. When I finally stopped, I turned and sat up to look at him.

“Why are you here?” I asked wiping the remainder of tears from my face.

“I came to talk about…,” he began and then he noticed the red ring that was forming around my neck. His eyes became very large and I could see anger growing there.

“Hannah, what the hell happened to you?” he questioned reaching out to touch my bruise.

I slapped his hand away.

“Nothing.”

“The hell it was nothing!”

He stared at me studying the marks turning colors by the second.

“Are those fingers?”

I didn’t say a word. I don’t think that I had to.

He turned his back to me and I knew he was trying to compose himself. Then he turned to me.

“Were you with Keith?”

I hesitated before I answered and I knew that gave me away.

“No,” I said quietly.

His face was red and his breathing was heavy. He was trying to contain himself but it wasn’t working.

“You’re fucking lying to me Hannah.”

“David…,”

“Fuck!” he yelled.

I flinched. I was still a nervous wreck from the events that happened tonight and I had enough of men blowing up on me.

“Why didn’t you listen?” he said coming towards me.

“I told you he was a fucking lunatic. I told you to leave him the fuck alone.”

He started to pace and I watched him. I was afraid of what he might do. He and Keith were team mates and no matter what he has to work with him.

“Fuck!” he yelled again and headed for the door.

“David, where are you going?”

He turned to me.

“Where do you think I’m going? I’m going to fucking kill him!”

I leaped off the couch and ran to him grabbing his arm.

“David, No!”

“Hannah, there is nothing you can say that will stop me from driving over to his house and beating the shit out of him.”

“David, please!”

It was all too much. I collapsed on the floor and started to cry again.

He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“Damn it Hannah!” he said burying his face in my shirt.

He was holding me and I realized at that moment I had never felt so safe and so secure. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me and I knew he would take care of me. He was my knight in shining armor here to save me.

He loved me and I knew without a doubt that I loved him.

“Hannah, for once and for all just say you’re done with him.”

I moved pushing him off of me and traveled across the room.

“David I can’t.”

“Hannah, look at you. Look at your neck. He hurt you badly,” he said pointing at me.

“David, he was hurting. It was my fault. I love him yet I let you make love to me. I should never have slept with you.”

“He did this because you slept with me? He hurt you like this and you still love him? He doesn’t deserve your love baby he deserves to be put in jail for what he has done.”

That freaked me out. I could not call the police on Keith. That was the farthest thing from my mind. I was panicking inside and I needed to be alone. I stood and walked back to the couch.

“Hannah…,”

“David, just leave.”

He looked confused. He stood and stared at me.

“What did you say?”

“I said get out.”

“No,” he simply stated walking over to the couch and sitting down.

“David, leave!”

“I am not going anywhere. I am not going to let you push me away anymore.”

I didn’t want him to see me like this. I needed him to leave so that I could deal with my nervous breakdown alone.

 
“David, just leave. I just really need to be alone right now.”

He shook his head.

“No. The last thing you need is to be alone.”

We stared at each other for a minute and I pleaded with him with my eyes. My pleas persuaded him and he sighed.

He stood from the couch and walked toward the door.

“I’m leaving now, but only because I love you and I don’t want to see you in anymore pain,” he said opening the door.

“But I am not done with you. If it kills me I am going to make you leave him alone. Tonight you were bruised, tomorrow he may kill you. That is not happening on my watch,” he proclaimed as he slammed the door shut.

Sometimes it feels like I am drowning. I sink and sink and can’t keep my head above water. The sadness in my heart and the pain that I feel weighs me down like a boulder chained to my ankle.

 
I was never taught how to swim. I can feel my lungs fill with water and I can’t breathe.

No matter how far forward I go I always end up back where I came from. I came from violence and pain and my entire life I have not strayed very far from it.

I can’t hide from it. Yet, I loved them both very much.

David has been my rock for almost a decade. He was always able to put a smile on my face when no one else could.

Keith knew what it meant to be damaged. There had to be something in his past that made him the way he was today. Was his situation similar to mine?

I never asked because I knew what it costs someone to admit something so painful.

I think that is what made me love him. I thought I could give him the love that no one gave me when I was young.

He helped me to see that even damaged and crazy people could still find love. He had me bound and gagged and loving every minute of it.

I have two men that love me and I realize that I do not deserve either.

It was morning and I awoke on the couch sore and stiff. My head was killing me and my mouth was dry. I eased off the couch and walked into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. When it was done I sat at my kitchen table thinking about the night before.

I was very bad at this love thing. I was making a big mess of it as usual. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different for me. I had never been in this kind of position before.

I looked up at the clock and realized that it was five in the morning. I sighed. I guess I wasn’t going to get much sleep. I thought about the way Keith treated me last night. It wasn’t enough to make me stop loving him. I didn’t know if there was anything that would make me stop.

He was in pain and it was pain that I put there. He didn’t know how to deal with pain. That was normally when Mr. Hyde reared his ugly head.

David was always composed and to see him fighting and as angry as I have ever seen him, unnerved me. It was a testament to what he was going through.

They both claimed they loved me and they would fight for me. No way did I deserve such affection. Especially not the way I was treating them.

I laid my head on the kitchen table and closed my eyes. My head was killing me and I tried for a second to get some kind of sleep.

The knocking at my door interrupted that. I sat up and walked to the door not sure who would be on my doorstep this early in the morning. I looked out the peep hole and could say that I was really shocked at the person standing there. He was holding a dozen roses and a warm smile.

I cracked the door and peeked out. When he saw me he smiled but I didn’t smile back.

He sighed.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

I stood there staring at him.

“Keith, it’s early.”

“I know but I really need to talk to you.”

I hesitated for a few seconds. Then I moved out of the way opening the door wider letting him inside. When he passed me I noticed that he smelled a little ripe. I closed the door behind him and leaned against it with my arms folded across my chest.

He handed me the roses but I didn’t budge.

“You’re really mad at me huh?”

I didn’t say a word.

He tried handing the flowers to me again.

“Here baby, take them.”

I finally reached out and took them.

“They’re beautiful.”

“Just like you.”

I looked at him suspiciously.

“Keith why are you here so early.”

He walked over and plopped down on the couch.

“Well, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I know that I lost my temper last night and I felt really bad. I decided to work out this morning and after I finish I come over here to see you.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I see you didn’t shower after working out.”

He laughed.

‘Can I use your shower?”

I was becoming impatient with him.

“Keith, just tell me why you are here.”

I could tell he had something to get off his chest and he didn’t know how to say it. I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. I was sleepy and cranky and after last night, I was not in the mood for bullshit small talk.

He patted the spot on the couch next to him. I shook my head no.

“Not until you tell me why you are here.”

He heaved a sigh.

“I came to tell you I am sorry.”

I wasn’t moved.

“What are you sorry for?”

He smirked.

“I see you are not going to make this easy for me.”

I sat the roses down on the table and folded my arms across my chest.

“Well you choked me until I bruised and you threw me out of your house naked,” I recalled reaching up to rub my sore throat.

He stood up and walked over to me. I took a step back. He stopped.

“You’re afraid of me now?”

Now? I have always been afraid of him.

“Yes,” I confessed.

He came toward me again and this time I didn’t move. He analyzed my neck.

“Is it a bad thing that your bruises are making my dick hard?”

I could not believe that he said that. Then again it was Keith.

“Keith, that does not help your cause.”

He grabbed my hand and brought me back over to the couch. We sat down and he draped his arm across my shoulders.

“I know you are angry with me but just let me talk for a few minutes.”

I leaned against him.

“I’m listening.”

He took a deep breath and adjusted himself on the couch.

“Hannah, when I was growing up we didn’t have very much. My father was never there and my mother raised me and my sisters. I looked a lot like my dad so she didn’t treat me particularly well.”

I looked up at him. I always knew there was something in his eyes that never went away and now I knew why.

“It took years for me to stop hating her for treating me the way that she did.”

He took another deep breath and continued.

“My mother died a couple of years ago. I think that I felt guilty that I didn’t care that much.”

He ran his hands over his face and I reached out placing my hand on his back.

“I think she fucked me up. I want to be better and I want to be with someone.”

I continued to rub his back feeling his heartache.

“Hannah, I have been with a lot of women. I have used and abused a lot of women.”

I stared at him with one eyebrow raised.

“Oh don’t give me that look,” he said. “You’re no fucking girl scout.”

I smirked and he continued.

“I didn’t think I would ever find a woman that was on my level. A part of me felt like it was mainly because I didn’t want to find her. I was content to play my games, fuck and move on.”

“What changed that?” I asked

He smiled and looked down at me.

“You. You changed me.”

He leaned over and kissed me on the side of my head.

“I have always been a man that knew what I wanted. When I wanted it I went after it until I got it. I have groupies and bitches that want to be down but even I know that shit won’t last.
 
Deep down I want something that will last.”

He turns to me.

“Hannah I want you and I will not stop until I have you.”

He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips.

“I am sorry that I got so upset with you. I have abandonment issues and I flipped out when I thought you were leaving me. I need to know baby. Are you going to stay with me?”

“Keith, I can’t make that decision now.”

“Look baby, I am not a patient man. I am never willing to wait and I think I have waited long enough to know who you want to be with.”

“I just can’t.”

“Hannah, how long do you plan to take? We both will not wait forever. I know I can’t wait forever. You are not being fair to either of us.”

He was right and I knew that he was right. It didn’t change the fact that my decision wasn’t easy.

“Hannah, you need to remember that we have so much more to explore together. David cannot give you what I can give you. We are like two fucked up peas in a pod. We are made for each other. If we are going to be fucked up we might as well be fucked up together.”

He had a point. He understood all my demons and was ready to take them head on no matter what. He was broken and so was I.

“Baby, David can’t say that. He grew up in a cookie cutter house with a cookie cutter family. He will never understand you. It’s not his fault but it’s the truth.”

I had similar thoughts.

He leaned over and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and deepened the kiss. He pushed me back on the couch and began to undress me. He pulled off my dirty gym shorts and I took off my shirt. He undressed himself until he was only in his boxers.

In only his underwear, he adjusted my body on the couch. He began to kiss me on the neck, down my collarbone and to my breasts. I was lost and could not free myself from the temptation. He looked up at me and smiled. I could feel his fingers trailing a path down my stomach and into my panties.

I moaned.

Just as he trailed his head down to follow the path his fingers made, there was another knock at my door.

Damn! Why am I so fucking wanted today.

I tried to push Keith off me but he wouldn’t budge.

“Shit, baby, let whoever that is knock.”
   

I pushed him again and this time he moved. I put back on my shorts and shirt and walked over to the door. I looked out of the peephole and groaned.

I opened the door and David stood there with his hands in his hoodie pocket.

“Can I come in?”

I sighed.

“Yes David.”

I moved and he walked past me into the house. He noticed Keith and stopped. The men looked at each other and didn’t say a word.

“So, does anyone want coffee?”

They ignored me and continued to stare at each other.

“Hannah, what the fuck is he doing here? After last night he shouldn’t be here. He should be in jail.”

Keith looked angry.

“You called him?”

“He came over and saw me…,”

“I saw her curled up in a ball with bruises on her neck. I should kick your ass right now,” David interrupted taking a step closer.

Keith, who had redressed, stepped closer as well.

“Hannah doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. She never has a problem when I fuck her unconscious and inflict pain on her. When I make her bend her fat ass over and paddle her, she begs for more.”

I knew Keith was trying to get under David’s skin. From the look on David’s face, it was working.

David looked disturbed. He looked at me to confirm what Keith said. I looked away. I guess that was confirmation enough.

“I don’t want you ever to touch her again,” he said too calmly.

“What. Do you mean like this?”

Keith walked over and grabbed my ass.