Diary of a Wanted Woman (23 page)

“I didn’t come,” I plainly stated.

He didn’t say a word. He just slid off the bed and walked over to his trunk. He reached in and pulled out a large dildo. He threw it at me and it hit me in the leg.

“Ouch!”

“Knock yourself out,” he smirked and walked into his master bathroom shutting the door behind him.

I looked at the vibrator and I was hurt. I knew he was mad at me. When he came out of the bathroom, he stopped and looked at me.

“Why are you still here?”

I sat up.

“I am not leaving until you talk to me.”

“Hannah, what do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about your little love affair with David? How you lied to me and told me you were not sleeping with him?”

I looked down at my hands. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there.

“You have nothing to say? I didn’t think so.”

I slid off the bed and grabbed my clothes. I felt so sad. I spent my whole life avoiding commitments and just when I am ready to belong to someone, I blow it again.

A tear dropped down my cheek and I hurriedly wiped it away.

Keith grabbed the clothes from my hand and threw them back on the floor.

“Keith…,”

“Sit down.”

I sat on the bed and he sat down next to me.

“I’m angry with you. Very angry. Yet, you can change that if you do something for me.”

I was expecting some form of punishment and I was prepared for that. I rather he punish me severely and get it out of his system than leave me.

“I’ll do anything.”

“I need you to be honest with me. Do you love me?”

I was taken aback. He was serious. He wanted to know if I loved him. I knew that I did but to tell him would confirm my bind to him.

“Hannah, I’m waiting.”

I looked up at him.

“Yes, I love you.”

He didn’t smile.

“Do you love David?”

I should have known that question was coming. He wanted honesty so I would give it to him.

“Yes I do.”

He didn’t look happy with me.

“So you want to be with David?’

“David has a girlfriend.”

He laughed.

“So that’s the only thing stopping you? If he were available you would be with him?”

I thought about that. Would I be with David if he wasn’t with Kim? It was more to it than that.

“No, I wouldn’t.”

He seemed intrigued to hear that.

“Why is that?”

I sighed.

“Because I don’t think that I am good enough to be with David. I’ll only hurt and disappoint him.”

He looked at me. I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be to my confession.

“Would you hurt me?”

“No.”

“Why would you hurt him and not me?”

I didn’t have to think about my answer.

“Because David wants perfection and I am not perfect. You see all my flaws and you accept me despite what you know.”

He smiled then leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

“I don’t want to talk anymore baby. I want to take a nap.”

When you love someone you should let them go especially when you have the capacity to hurt them and cause them pain.

Loving them is letting them find their happiness when you know that it cannot be found with you.

What happens when that person you finally let go comes back willing to take on your shit tenfold?

Do you consider it fate?

Do you call it bad luck…for them?

I hold onto him and he pushes me away. The moment I got the nerve, swallowed my pride and my selfishness, he comes back demanding that I get back to that place where he was the center of my world.

I guess I am just as stuck to him as he is to me. No other woman is enough and he can’t deal unless he is with me.

That should make me happy but I haven’t changed. I am still the same woman. I still am very capable of causing him great pain. Then again, no matter what I do he is in pain especially if I am not with him.

The only thing that could make him happy is if he has me. I still try to resist. Yet he stares at me and demands that he gets the opportunity to love me. I don’t think I can resist those sparkling blue eyes…

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was having lunch with Stacey at her house. She decided to make some hamburgers and
french
fries and I couldn’t turn them down. However, once they were sitting in front of me I discovered that I didn’t have much of an appetite.

While I sat there and played with my food she spent most of her time on the phone trying to calm down a distressed client of ours who was freaking out about kitchen tile.

I was sitting there making faces at her trying to get her to laugh with “Mrs. Congeniality” on the phone when I heard her front door open and close.

I assumed it was John but was highly shocked and surprised when David walked into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw me and glared at me for a second. Stacey barely noticed as she went back and forth with our client on the phone.

I didn’t want to see him look at me like that anymore so I just dropped my head and stared at the food on my plate. He didn’t say a word. He just walked over to the stove and began to make himself three burgers and pile a mountain of fries on top. He walks over and sits in the stool farthest from me.

Stacey finally hangs up the phone and looks at me.

“There is just no reasoning with that woman. She wants to meet me at her house.”

“When?” I asked trying to ignore how uncomfortable I felt with David in the room.

“Now! She wants to meet right now.”

She grabbed her purse.

“You guys stay,” she said kissing her brother on the cheek.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she said storming out before we had a chance to protest or say anything to her.

It was not like I could leave. Stacey was my ride.

So there I was alone with David and I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to just leave but I couldn’t. Deep down, a part of me was happy to see him.

He ate and I just sat staring at my plate and my cell phone.

Finally he spoke to me.

“So, how’s it going?”

I slowly looked up at him.

“I’m fine,” I said staring at my phone like there was something important on the screen.

There was more silence and I saw him move to place his empty plate in the sink. I wanted to laugh. He knew how to destroy food.

He walked over and sat on the stool right next to me. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He placed them on the table and slid them next to me.

I looked at them confused. He could see the puzzled look on my face.

“What is this?” I asked looking him in the eye for the first time since he arrived.

“They are keys,” he said chuckling.

“I know they are keys David. I want to know what the keys are for?”

“Well Stacey told me you have been having lots of trouble with your car and you were thinking about renting one for a while. Well, I have a few cars that I barely drive so I figured you could use mine until you get a new one or get that one fixed.”

I looked down at the keys and back up at him. He noticed my hesitation and he sighed.

“Look, I know I haven’t talked to you lately and I have been rather distant, but I still care about you and want you to be okay. I’ve known you too long to just not care about you no matter how angry I am.”

I was floored. He was giving me keys to his car. The last interaction I had with him was a text telling me to stop calling him and to stay the hell away. Now he was giving me keys to his car?

It touched me deeply. He still cared about me. I felt emotions for him rise to the top and choke me. I knew at that moment that I cared more for him than I have ever cared about anyone ever in life. He was the sweetest and most generous person I have ever met.

However, the revelation only made things worse for me. I knew that I could never have him the way that I wanted, the way he had wanted at one point and that made me angry. I was angry at myself and realized that I was better off knowing he hated me than that he still cared.

It’s always natural for me to sabotage a good thing and today was no different. I just had to let the bitch in me seep out.

“Does your girlfriend know you’re loaning me a car?

He folded his arms across his chest.

“No, and it doesn’t matter. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.”

He turned completely to face me and the look on his face said it all. He was still very much angry at me.

“What is your problem Hannah? I come over here because my sister wanted us to make up. I come over and I try. I try to be nice to you and like always you are just nasty for no reason. I’m trying to be a friend here.”

I looked into his blue eyes and I just felt like such an awful person.

“David, I’m sorry. Thank you but I can’t accept these,” I said placing the keys back on the counter.

He stood from the stool and looked over at me.

“Why can’t you accept a gift from a friend?”

“David, I just can’t.”

I think it made him very angry. He stood from the stool and started to pace.

“Are you afraid your boyfriend wouldn’t approve?”

Actually Keith would not approve but that wasn’t the reason.

I folded my arms across my chest.

“David, I don’t want to make you angry but I just don’t want you giving me things. You know I have never liked that.”

“Babe, why can’t you let me do this for you? Do you turn down Keith’s gifts?”

I felt like he was fishing for information and that he was jealous. I could see it. I was the same way with him and Kim. I didn’t want him to know that the only thing I accepted from Keith was the diamond collar. I really didn’t have any choice in the matter.

“Hannah, I don’t understand why you are still with him.”

I sighed.

“David, I love him.”

He turned and looked at me. I could see disbelief and pain in his eyes.

“Do you know how long I waited for you to say those words? I just thought they would be for me.”

He stopped pacing and looked at me.

“What does he have that I don’t? What makes you love him and not me?”

The problem is I do love David. I have loved him for a long time now, but I was so afraid to act on it. I didn’t answer him. I just couldn’t answer him.

He sighed.

“I miss you Hannah. I really do. I tried to get over you. I tried to move and on and not think about you but that has been impossible for me. I am miserable without you.”

I was blindsided by his words. I assumed he was happy with Kim and was over me.

“David, what about Kim?”

He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes.

“I broke up with Kim.”

I was shocked.

“Why?”

He glared at me.

“You know why.
 
You know that I love you.”

He came to sit down next to me again.

“I just want to know what he has that I don’t. What makes you want to be with him and not me?”

I wanted to be frank with him so he could see where I was coming from.

“He lets me sleep with other people.”

His eyes were huge as he stared at me. I looked away from him.

“Really? Is that what you really want? A man that is willing to loan you out to people?”

I looked at him.

“He doesn’t loan me out!”

“Umm, yes. Yes he does if he is letting you sleep around.”

I ran my hands through my hair.

“David you see me a certain way. You see me as this amazing woman that can be with you and have little kids with you and live in a white picket fence for the rest of our lives. I am not that woman. I am not the perfection that you are looking for!”

“You think I want you to be perfect? Hannah, I love you just the way you are.”

“David you don’t know me.”

“That’s because you won’t let me know you Hannah!”

He grabbed me by the shoulders and brought me to him.

“I tried to you get you to talk to me to let me in but you refuse and now it’s my fault because I don’t know you? Why won’t you let me in?”

I took his hands from my shoulders and stood. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. I just needed a little space. I didn’t want David to know how damaged I was. I have hid it from him for so long and I was afraid he would not look at me the same if he knew all the gory details.

What if I let him in and he was disappointed with what he saw. I could not bear it. It was just easier for me to let him go.

He followed me into the living room.”

“Hannah, answer me!”

“Because I’m scared!”

Sobs consumed me and I could not stop crying. I buried my head in my hands and cried. It was too much for me. I loved them both and yet I didn’t know what to do.

He collected me in his arms and just held me. He smelled so good and I felt so secure there. He hadn’t held me in a while and I missed him being this close.

“Hannah, baby. What are you afraid of? I would never hurt you.”

“I’m afraid that if you knew me, the real me you wouldn’t like what you see.” I said between sobs.

“Hannah, tell me.”

“David I love you but I am afraid that I am too damaged to deserve your love back.”

He didn’t say anything. He just held me.

“David?”

He sighed.

“Hannah, you and I have been friends for over ten years. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I have not left and I am not going anywhere. You say I want perfection. That could not be farther from the truth.”

He let me go and encouraged me to look into his eyes.

“Stacey told me a long time ago about your parents and what you went through as a child. I know your stepfather molested and abused you. I know everything. Is that what you are hiding from me?”

I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. David knew all along. I started to shake and I could not control myself.

“Hannah, I knew and I loved you anyway. I love you, the amazing woman I have known this whole time. I can love you better than Keith.”

He came close again, this time with his face only inches from mine.

“I can’t sleep at night knowing that you’re probably in his bed. The thought kills me. I want you in my bed babe. I want you with me.”

He kissed me soft and gently. His hand came up to my face and he caressed me.