Divine Misfortune (2010) (29 page)

Teri’s coupe, horn blasting, came crashing through the front gate. The indestructible car zoomed toward Gorgoz. It collided
with him. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve bounced harmlessly off the god, but he was still weakened from his recent
battle. The power of a Hephaestus-driven motor carried him forward. The coupe smashed into Worthington’s Jag, pinning the
god between the two vehicles.

Gorgoz strained to free himself. The car’s wheels spun in the lawn, pushing back.

Teri jumped out of her car. The vehicle’s navigation charm kept the wheels turning.

“I thought I told you to stay home,” said Quick.

“You’re not my god.”

Phil and Teri hugged. He winced as she squeezed a bit too tight.

“You are such an idiot,” she said.

“I missed you, too.”

Syph had recovered enough to stand. She studied the two embracing mortals from a distance, both physical and metaphorical.
It’d been a long time since she’d seen anything of the sort. It wasn’t that mortal affection was difficult to find, but her
own influence made it a rarity for her.

Quick peeled away his ashen skin to reveal fresh scales. “See? Not all romance is doomed.”

She shrugged. “Eh, give it a few years.”

Gorgoz flipped the coupe into the air. The vehicle bounced several times, landing on its side.

Roaring, he hefted the Jag with Worthington still inside and hurled it. Quick and Syph deflected the vehicle.

“Oh, shit,” said Worthington, just before crashing into his crumbling mansion. The entire building collapsed, burying him
and his ambitions in one unceremonious instant.

“Whoops,” said Gorgoz. He hadn’t meant to kill Worthington. While he wasn’t the kind of god to regret the loss of one insignificant
mortal life, he also preferred to kill his disciples on purpose. Otherwise, it just didn’t seem as enjoyable. Like eating
a particularly tasty potato chip and only realizing afterward.

Quick and Syph braced themselves for Gorgoz’s charge. He batted them aside like paper dolls. Phil and Teri cowered before
the furious god.

A globe of light shot from the sky, engulfed the mortals, and swept them out of the way. Lucky and his globe of light soared
over the raging Gorgoz.

“You came back,” said Teri.

“Did you ever doubt I would?” asked Lucky. He followed that up with a hasty, “Don’t answer that.”

Gorgoz expanded. He fired a few blasts of shadow at the globe, which Lucky dodged.

“Face me like a true god, you coward,” said Gorgoz.

Lucky touched down in front of the enormous deity. He stood between Phil and Teri and the furious Gorgoz.

“Okay,” said Lucky. “This ends now.”

“You’re braver than I gave you credit for. Now watch, foolish mortals, as I rend your pathetic god limb from limb and set
his bones to bleach in immortal agony until the end of time itself. Steal my girlfriend, will you?”

“I knew it!” said Syph. “You did start this vendetta because of me!”

“You? No, it was never about you. It was about me. No one takes what is rightfully mine. No one.” Gorgoz growled. “And now
you will finally pay.”

“Ain’t gonna happen,” said Lucky.

“Your arrogance is only matched by your—”

Lucky pointed his finger at Gorgoz and winked.

“Bang.”

Gorgoz exploded in a small mushroom cloud. Lucky’s power kept Teri and Phil from being disintegrated, but the rest of the
area was engulfed in righteous atomic fire. The blast shook the ground and scorched the earth bare. It took thirty seconds
for the sound of the explosion to fade and a full minute for Teri and Phil’s vision to clear enough for them to see Gorgoz
standing there, seared but otherwise unharmed.

Gorgoz chuckled.

“Nice try.”

Lucky shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

“Anything else?” asked Gorgoz. “Anything at all?”

“No, that’s it from me. Almost every ounce of saved power I had in me.” He turned to Phil and Teri and lowered his sunglasses.
“Don’t worry, kids. I have enough left over to protect you from what’s coming.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong,” said Gorgoz.

“I hate to break it to you, buddy, but this isn’t going to play out the way you expect. I know you were looking forward to
beating the ever-living crap out of me in front of these two lovely mortals. But did you take a moment to ask yourself what
that will really accomplish? Other than giving you a sick thrill?”

“Isn’t that enough?”

Lucky sighed.

“You really are an asshole.”

Gorgoz shrugged. “It’s my nature.”

The skies rumbled. The startled Gorgoz raised his eyes heavenward as a thunderbolt struck beside Lucky. Zeus, towering King
of Olympus in all his golden-tracksuit, tanned, silver-bearded glory, materialized.

Mut, in the form of a white vulture, settled on the other side of Lucky. The bird transformed into the striking goddess, wearing
a red dress, carrying a staff topped with a golden ankh.

She was followed by Marduk, a twenty-foot deity who just fell from the sky without any show other than the tremendous, earth-shaking
thud of his landing.

“See?” said Lucky. “Unlike everyone else involved in this little fiasco, I had the good sense to call in a little backup.
You’ve overextended yourself. Even the big guns of the heavens can’t ignore it any longer.”

“This is all you have?” Gorgoz laughed as he crackled with cosmic darkness. “It will take more than these three to stop me.”

“We know,” said Lucky with a smile.

The sky spit out several more deities. Chernobog, horned god of darkness, and Yongwang, dragon of the sea (wearing his seldom-used
dragon form) floated downward. Lacambui, in all his divine plumpness, with a bucket of chicken in one hand and a blazing sword
in the other, descended beside Nanook, astride an elephant-size polar bear. Jurupari, Pele, Izanami, Bobbi-Bobbi, and Kunapipi
were right behind them.

“Am I supposed to be impressed? Frightened?” Gorgoz roared at the gods. “I will crush you all and cast you into—”

Lucky cleared his throat.

“We’re not done yet.”

The skies opened again, and a barrage of lesser deities spilled forth. Vesta, Fabulinus, and Ogma were among the most prominent
of the obscure. But there were a dozen others among them. Gods of accounting, ichthyology, baking, bricklaying, and footwear.
Goddesses of gambling, dreaming, agriculture, dowsing, and writing. Nearly every sphere of human endeavor was represented
among the divine gathering. Except for the god of overkill. But his presence was hardly necessary.

Gorgoz’s eyes widened.

“Congrats, buddy,” said Lucky. “You’ve managed to do what no other force in all the universe has accomplished. You’ve united
the heavens themselves. No squabbling, no bickering, no grabs for glory. We all agree on this one.”

Divine power surged in the assembled gods. The sky turned red, and the earth quaked.

Lucky lowered his sunglasses to the tip of his nose.

“You’ve got to go.”

The explosion of divine force was beyond any earthly measure. It could’ve easily split the planet in two and caused the sun
to blink out of sheer embarrassment for its meager output. The destruction was only a portion of the power unleashed. Half
the gods were there simply to contain the force and keep it from wreaking irreparable damage to the mortal sphere. It was
mostly successful, though the city’s water did transmute to grape soda and every pregnant dog on Earth gave spontaneous birth
to a litter of winged puppies. Jormungandr, the world serpent, stirred in the ocean’s depths, but a glance at his calendar
informed him that Ragnarok wasn’t due for at least another two millennia, so he rolled over and went back to sleep.

Phil and Teri, encased in Lucky’s protective globe, shielded their eyes from the dazzling white light. The blast was completely
silent, except for the far, far cry of Gorgoz.

It was over quickly.

Lucky dropped his shield. A crater was all that was left of Worthington’s estate. And Gorgoz sat at the very bottom, looking
very, very small.

“Be right back, kids.”

Lucky floated to the bottom of the crater. Gorgoz, being only two inches tall, stripped of every ounce of power, glared.

“You cheated,” said Gorgoz in a squeaky voice.

Lucky plucked Gorgoz up by the scruff of the neck. “My mistake. I didn’t know there were rules.”

One of Hephaestus’s golden executives presented an adamantite cat carrier. Lucky chucked Gorgoz into it.

“Catch you later, Gorg.”

The golden woman and most of the gods ascended into the heavens without saying a word.

Lucky returned to Phil and Teri’s side. He winked at Zeus and Mut, the last two remaining divinities.

“Thanks for the help, guys.”

Zeus and Mut looked down on the mortals and their god.

“Yes, thank you,” said Phil.

Teri stepped forward. “Could I possibly trouble you for an autograph? It’s not for me. It’s for a friend of mine. She’s a
big fan.”

Grinning, Zeus and Mut disappeared in a burst of light and a clap of thunder. Two autographed photos were left in their place.

“Wow,” said Teri. “She’ll love these.”

“Yeah, the big guys are always class acts,” said Lucky.

“Is that it?” asked Teri. “He’s gone? Gorgoz is gone?”

“There’s a place where they stick the troublemakers. Less said about it, the better. He might get time off for good behavior,
but I wouldn’t count on it. Either way, he won’t be seeing the light of day for a few thousand years.”

“All you had to do this whole time was call in the gods?” asked Phil.

“You make it sound so easy. Have you ever tried to get two gods to agree on anything, much less a hundred?”

“So you just called in the cavalry?”

“It’s a little deus ex machina, I’ll grant you. But hey, who do you think invented that kind of thing?” Lucky made a show
of wiping his hands. “Problem solved. Now, we can stand around and continue to debate the merits of my victory or we can get
you guys home.”

Teri’s coupe rolled up. The windshield was cracked, the tires were melted, and the tailpipe spit out clouds of black smoke.

“Gotta hand it to Hephaestus,” said Lucky. “He sure makes a great car.”

The earth split open and a new god, one apparently pieced together from carpet scraps, emerged.

“Sorry, Kutkh,” said Lucky. “You missed all the action.”

“Ah, damn. He owed me money.”

Grumbling, Kutkh descended into the earth.

Though she was technically not among Syph’s followers, it took Bonnie several months to get rid of the goddess. The goddess
herself didn’t bother Bonnie so much. It was the constant visits by heartbroken mortals that proved more annoying. She was
sick of hearing them whine about their failed relationships. She realized that Syph would never be out of a job as long as
she trafficked in emotional baggage and bad breakups. Syph realized that, too, and it was why the goddess was never going
back to love. It was easier to exact vengeance, and Syph was a lazy, lazy goddess. She’d rather lounge around the apartment
and exact vengeance than find a new temple and try to bring people together. It was a step up, though. At least now she wasn’t
sitting around feeling sorry for herself. She was still ruining lives, but it was with a wider distribution and less damage
on a per-mortal basis. It wasn’t strictly legal, but, unlike Gorgoz’s operation, it wasn’t likely to draw more than a written
reprimand and a slap on the wrist from the heavens.

And it wasn’t Bonnie’s problem anymore. Even Syph couldn’t ignore an official order from the Court of Divine Affairs, one
that Bonnie happily presented to the goddess in the middle of one of her consultations.

Syph read the order quietly. She cut short her session, promising to fill some poor schmuck’s car with toads, and showed the
client the door.

“Bonnie, can’t we work something out?” asked Syph.

“Nope. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

Syph reread the order, then crumpled it.

Bonnie showed the goddess the door.

“You’ll miss me when I’m gone,” said Syph.

“I’ll get over it,” replied Bonnie as she slammed the door shut.

The ever-present chill in her apartment vanished. She’d been living with it so long, she’d stopped noticing. But now that
it was gone, she felt cozy and warm and safe. Right now, the forces of the cosmos couldn’t give a damn about her happiness
or misery. She was just a speck of dust in charge of her own life again. And that wasn’t such a bad place to be.

The phone rang. It was Walter. He apologized for breaking up with her and asked if she wanted to get together for dinner.

She told him no.

With Syph gone, Bonnie realized that she hadn’t ever really liked Walter. She’d just stayed with him because it’d been easier
than breaking up. But now the breaking up was done, and she might as well take advantage of it. She went to the window, opened
the curtains. The sky was gray, a combination of smog and clouds. But it was just the weather. It had nothing to do with her.

She smiled.

Everything was going to be just fine.

Teri opened the second can of banana-and-chocolate soda of the day. She sniffed it, scrunching her nose.

“I can’t believe he likes this stuff.” She poured the soda into the bowl held by the ceramic raccoon. The altar accepted the
offering, drinking down the beverage with a loud slurp.

“I guess there’s no accounting for taste,” said Phil. “We’re almost out. I checked the supermarkets, but they say it’s no
longer being made. Guess we’ll have to figure out something else once we open the last case.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much,” said Teri. “He’ll probably let us slide for a while.” She crushed the can. “He better.”

Phil took her in his arms. “You’re not still mad, are you?” I’m over it.

He squeezed her shoulders and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not
completely
over it,” she said. “He did nearly get us killed. That’s a lot to forgive.” She shrugged. “But nobody’s perfect, and he is
our god. He did come through for us in the end. And it doesn’t hurt that we’ve recovered enough loose change this month to
pay our mortgage, all for the price of a few cans of soda.”