Divine Misfortune (2010) (8 page)

A wide-shouldered god in a black-and-red suit stepped into view behind Charon.

“He’s my ride,” said Charon.

“Hades, my man.” Lucky chuckled. “You know I just kid because I love.”

The lord of the underworld cracked a smile. “Forget it. I’m just here for the beer.”

“Fridge is thataway.” Lucky jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and Hades headed toward the kitchen.

“By the way, I’m in front of a hydrant,” remarked Hades. “Could you direct my driver to the designated parking?”

“Geez, that guy is a cheapskate,” whispered Lucky. “Owns half the real estate in the underworld, and you still can’t keep
him away from free booze.”

He and Charon chuckled. Dust and ash rose off Charon’s robes. Teri inhaled it and fell into a short coughing fit.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I came straight from work. Didn’t have time to change.”

“You can borrow something from Phil’s closet. I’m sure he won’t mind, right, Teri?”

She nodded while struggling to clear her sticky throat.

“Charon and I will grab a shirt while you take care of Hades’s ride and start on the decorations.”

She tried to protest but Lucky and Charon had already vanished into the bedroom.

Hades’s ride was a black chariot adorned with silver skulls and twisted thorns. The wheels were aflame, and it was drawn by
a pair of muscular beasts, vaguely horselike except for the snorting of fire and the slavering jaws.

The driver was a specter in a chauffeur uniform. He opened his skull and howled at Teri.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Just park it over there, I guess.”

The driver cracked the reins, and a clap of thunder shook the sky. The beasts roared, stamped their hooves hard enough to
crack the asphalt, and pulled the chariot away. Its flaming wheels left a trail of bubbling tar.

The neighbor across the street threw Teri a dirty look. She didn’t know his first name. Or his wife’s. Or those of their two
or three kids. She’d never actually talked to any of them, only nodded politely.

Within an hour, the house was overrun with gods, demigods, and legendary creatures. The gods and their entourages turned out
to be first-class mooches. After they drank all the beers, they devoured everything consumable in the refrigerator. They even
ate the steaks in the freezer. Didn’t even bother to cook them. It still wasn’t enough. A harpy and her lizard-creature boyfriend
eyed Teri and Phil hungrily.

A blue djinn in an equally blue leisure suit defused the problem. Teri wished for more food, and he snapped his fingers, creating
a magical tablecloth that produced as many beers, fruits, and cheese crackers as the gods could consume. The harpy and her
boyfriend pounced on the table. Teri thought about reaching for a cracker, but figured it was a good way to lose an arm.

“Normally, I don’t do this without throwing in a little curse, too,” said the djinn, “but what the hell? You guys throw a
helluva party.” He slipped off to flirt with a woman with horns growing out of her forehead.

Teri scanned the party. So far, it was a casual affair. The gods and demigods were all behaving themselves. She’d been worried
about the guy with the smoking head, but once they removed the batteries from the smoke detectors, he wasn’t any trouble.
The snail god wasn’t nearly as slimy as she’d first expected, and he’d given her a voucher for a free carpet shampooing. Phil
was having a good time. He’d arranged an impromptu video game tournament, and was currently beating down Hades in a round
of Death Ninja 3. The lord of the underworld snarled as Phil’s digital samurai executed his finishing move.

Janet called out to Teri from across the crowded room. Teri motioned for Janet to follow her into the backyard so they could
talk.

“Wow,” said Janet. “I didn’t know you were throwing a party! Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It was spur-of-the-moment.”

“I am so glad I brought my camera. How do I look?”

Teri had known Janet was attractive, but she’d never realized just how attractive. With her hair down and in a form-fitting
red dress, she was beautiful. It wasn’t made-up beauty either, that sort of prettiness that comes from having the right clothes
and the right hair and makeup. It was just a natural appeal. The low neckline emphasizing her breasts didn’t hurt either.

“You look fabulous,” said Teri, feeling a little self-conscious about her own appearance.

Lucky and a large serpent with sparkling rainbow scales and feathered wings stepped into the backyard. The serpent held a
beer in the clawed fingertips at the end of his wings.

“There you are, Teri,” said Lucky. “Been looking all over for you. I’d like to introduce you to my good buddy Quetzalcoatl.”

“Call me Quick.” The serpent tipped his party hat, letting the elastic snap back into place. “Everyone does.”

Janet elbowed Teri and cleared her throat.

Lucky smiled. “And who might this lovely mortal be?”

Before Teri could introduce her, Janet pushed her way forward, knelt down, and introduced herself. Lucky took her hand in
his paw and mimed a kiss.

“Any friend of Teri’s is a friend of mine. Care for a beer?”

“I’d love one.”

“If you’ll excuse us, gang. Watch out for this guy, Teri.” Lucky poked Quick. “If you’re not careful, he might get you drunk
and strap you to his altar.”

Lucky and Janet went back inside.

“So…” Quick ran his long tongue around a fang.”… Cool party.”

“Thanks.”

Awkward silence passed between them.

“How long have you known Lucky?” she asked to make conversation.

“A while now,” replied Quick. “He helped me out when I was going through a rough time.” He flapped his wings. “I mean, I only
turned my back for a second. Who’d have thought a few conquistadors could cause so much trouble?”

“Yeah, that was a helluva thing,” she agreed.

“Y’know, he was only joking about the altar thing,” said Quick. “I was never into human sacrifice, even when it was legal.”

“Oh, I know. Conquistador propaganda.”

“Damn straight.”

They tapped their beers together and shared a swig.

A dryad stuck her head out the door. “Excuse me, but where are your facilities?”

Teri excused herself to give directions. She showed the dryad the line to the bathroom. An ogre lumbered up to Teri. He spoke
with a dry, cracked voice. “Are you Teri Robinson?”

She nodded.

“There’s a fury looking for you.” The swung his arm toward the front door. “And she looks pissed.”

The fury invoked by the homeowners association was a cruel, pale woman in a crimson pantsuit. She’d been called down to enforce
the code, and she did so with all the dedication with which her other sisters might chase down murderers and tax evaders.
She could detect the smallest violation ranging from improper lawn ornamentation, loose shingles, and bird-houses with an
improper motif. Teri considered passing her off to Phil, but he was still in the middle of his tournament and having a good
time. So she decided to handle it.

The fury glared with deep red eyes. “Mrs. Robinson, you are aware you are in violation of several important regulations.”

“Can I offer you a beer?” asked Teri.

“No.” The fury’s frown deepened. “Thank you, but I’m on duty.” She clicked a pen and began filling out a citation. “You are
aware that all parties require two weeks’ notice?”

“It’s not really a party.”

“Any gathering that involves more than five cars or eight nonresident guests is defined as a party according to the code.
You’d know that if you read the regulation book.”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that, but I’ve been really busy lately and—”

“Ignorance of the code is no excuse.” The black veins on the fury’s skull-like face throbbed. She ripped the citation from
the pad and thrust it accusingly at Teri. “I’ve issued a warning this time, as per homeowners association guidelines.” The
fury smiled, revealing sharp teeth perfect for ripping out the throats of murderers, traitors, and those damned souls who
dared to stick plastic pink flamingoes on their lawn. “Don’t let it happen again.”

Lucky appeared beside Teri. He hopped up and intercepted the citation.

“Edna, is that you? You’re looking scarier than ever.”

“Lucky, you ol’ son of a bitch.”

“Hey now, what’s this?” He scanned the citation. “You’re not raining down wrath on my girl Teri here, are you?”

“Just doing my job,” said Edna, sounding a bit guilty. “She’s not one of yours, is she?”

“Yep. But more importantly, she’s a good kid.”

“Rules are rules.”

“We’re celebrating, and it got a little out of hand. My fault, not hers. Can’t we look the other way just this once?”

“Well…” The fury’s fury faded. The citation disappeared in a flash of white flame. “I could never say no to you, Lucky.”

“Come on in. Have a beer.”

“One can’t hurt, I suppose.” She pulled out the stiletto knives keeping her hair in a bun. The black curls cascaded down past
her shoulders as she joined the party.

“Thanks,” said Teri.

“Don’t mention it, kid.” He winked. “All part of the service, right? Do yourself a favor, Teri. Relax a little. Have a good
time. Mortal life is too short to be worried all the time.”

Janet showed up, handed Lucky a fresh beer. “Didn’t you promise to introduce me to that fox-eared demigoddess?”

He led her away.

Teri found Phil in the kitchen.

“So how did the tournament go?” she asked.

“You are now looking at Red Ronan, reigning Death Ninja 3 champion of Heaven and Earth.”

She put her arms around him and gave him a kiss. “I think we made the right decision.”

“Are you sure? No more doubts?”

She shrugged. “Maybe a little bit of doubt. But not very much.”

“All I can ask for at this stage, I suppose,” said Phil.

She kissed him again.

Charon poked his head into the kitchen. “Hades is burning for a rematch, Ronan. Dare you accept?”

“You’re on.”

Bonnie had horrible dreams. They weren’t like ordinary nightmares, neither vague nor surreal. More like an edited playback
of her life, as if someone had shot a movie, cut out all the good parts, and left only a parade of tragic, painful, and humiliating
moments. She awoke, feeling as if she hadn’t slept a wink.

Syph, head bowed, sat in the corner of the bedroom.

“Oh, Jupiter,” groaned Bonnie. “What are you doing?”

The goddess raised her head. Her hair fell across her face, but she gazed at Bonnie with one colorless eye.

Bonnie covered her head with the blanket. She turned over and tried to go back to sleep. But she could feel the goddess still
looking at her. Bonnie just wanted to get some sleep, to find refuge in unconsciousness. But even asleep, there was no escape
from Syph.

“I’m sorry,” said the goddess. “About the dreams. In time, you’ll get used to them.”

“That’s what you think,” mumbled Bonnie from under the blanket. She had no intention of getting used to any of this, and she
wasn’t about to surrender to the goddess’s influence. She hadn’t asked to follow Syph, and there had to be a way of getting
out from under her.

The alarm blared.

She didn’t want to get up. She just wanted to lie here and wither away. But that was the goddess, not her. Bonnie was a happy
person. She tried to stay positive no matter what. It wasn’t always easy. Not after her mom died. Or when she broke her leg
and lost her dance school scholarship. Or that time her dog was hit by a car. And there was that car accident when she thought
she might’ve had whiplash. And that other time when—

Bonnie sat up and blocked the negative thoughts seeping into her mind.

“Sorry.” Syph stood. “Would you like some breakfast? I can go make some eggs, if you’d like.”

“That’d be nice,” replied Bonnie insincerely. She wasn’t hungry, but it’d get Syph out of her hair.

After the tattered goddess left the room, Bonnie felt a little better. She was able to drag herself out of bed and get dressed.
She couldn’t make herself take a shower, but she did run a comb through her hair and find the energy to brush her teeth. It
was important to keep going through the motions, despite the weight bearing down on her. Bonnie couldn’t give in to the hopelessness.

Syph had a plate of runny eggs, burned toast, and a bowl of cereal sitting on the table.

“Don’t eat the cereal,” she said. “The milk has soured.”

“I just bought that milk,” said Bonnie.

Syph shrugged. “Sorry.”

“Do me a favor, will you? If you’re not going to leave me alone could you at least stop all the apologizing?”

It might’ve been a trick of the light, but Bonnie thought Syph almost smiled.

“Your eggs are getting cold.”

Though the scent of cooking was still fresh in the air, the eggs were ice-cold. Bonnie could tell just by looking because
ice was forming on the plate. She didn’t eat them, didn’t even touch them. Accepting a gift from a goddess of heartbreak would
only compound her problems.

“Thanks,” said Bonnie, “but I’m running late. I’ll grab something on the way.”

“No, you’re not,” replied Syph, “but thank you for bothering to make an excuse.”

Bonnie took the bus to work. Syph didn’t follow her out of the apartment, but the goddess still managed to beat Bonnie to
the bus. Syph even saved her a seat.

A burly man with a permanent scowl occupied the seat behind her. His radio blasted out hard-core speed metal, where the guitarist
played so fast the notes bled together and the vocalist roared. Thirty seconds after she boarded the bus the radio started
playing twangy country songs about broken hearts and shattered lovers. He fiddled with the knobs to try to tune in another
station and even changed the CD with no effect. Eventually he gave up and turned it off.

Syph didn’t get off the bus with Bonnie, but when she reached the bookstore, the goddess was already there, perusing the magazine
section. Bonnie decided she would do her best to ignore Syph. Maybe if she was offered no acknowledgment Syph might push off
and bother someone else.